Saturday, January 31, 2009

want to know what cute is?

my adorable baby (who will be one in two weeks, can you believe it?) who has learned to take off his pants, then crawl around the house dragging them with him. then sitting up, holding them, shaking them, looking at them proudly, and off he goes, dragging them behind him.

i think he believes he is "the shiz" for taking his pants off all by himself. and i am one proud mama.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

A Mighty Power of Healing


originally posted at modern molly mormon

How can praying for those who have wronged us bring peace?

"[Cast] all your care upon him; for he careth for you." (1 Peter 5:7).

During his final days, the Savior's chief Apostle denied even knowing Him. The Savior could have condemned Peter, but he did not (see Luke 22:55-62). And Peter responded with deeper faith and commitment, eventually presiding over the Lord's church.

Jesus Christ could also have condemned the Romans' cruel crucifixion. But, as he hung on the cross, even in his agony, Jesus forgave those who crucified him, asking his Father, "Forgive them; for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).

From "A Mighty Power of Healing," Liahona, May 1996.

If Jesus Christ will forgive Peter for denying him, he will forgive us for our mistakes. We are asked to forgive others for their mistakes, as well. We can become better people, more like the Savior, if we choose to forgive those who have wronged us, no matter how difficult it may be. If we pray to Heavenly Father for them, the way Christ did, we can show our willingness to forgive to the Lord. We will be casting our cares upon Him, and He will bless us.

Monday, January 26, 2009

I Resolve to Comfort My Inner Child

my first guest post! Marj aka Thriver blogs at Survivors can Thrive! and runs the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. i have been very impressed with the way Marj has used her experiences to help others. thank you for allowing me to post this, Marj!
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After having a much better Christmas than usual or expected--okay, here's the whiny-wiener bad news--I fell while cross-country skiing and injured a few ribs. Then, I got a bad cold. While I was sitting around feeling pain and feeling sorry for myself, I realized that physical illness and injury are big trauma triggers for me.

At my therapist appointment on Thursday, my T said, "You know the actual physical trauma of child abuse gets overlooked and neglected in therapy quite a bit. We focus so much on the emotional trauma and working on feelings, that we don't spend much time on the physical part. As a little girl, you were very, very hurt physically. And most of the time your physical injuries were ignored and received no medical attention."

After she said that, I realized the childhood memory that my recent injury was reminding me of. It wasn't an abuse injury, but the incident reminds me of how many times my childhood injuries and/or illnesses were ignored, overlooked and not attended to in any appropriate, parenting sort of way.

My parents had divorced and, being the upstanding, attentive, appropriate, sane father that he was, dear old "Dad" got full visitation rights with us kids. He had his old, red, two-door jalopy parked in our driveway, waiting to take us to his place for our "visit." I remember that it was winter and there was snow on the ground. My older brother was already seated in the front seat, and my twin sister and I were scooting into the back seat when it happened.

I remember we were all in a hurry to get out of there (even if it was to be with our monster father) because our parents were yelling across the yard at each other: It was the same old topic of, "Where's the child support money?" I got into the back seat first. In her haste to get in after me and close the door behind her, my sister accidentally slammed one of my hands in the heavy car door. I immediately began to wail in pain, while my sister and brother scrambled to get the door back open and release my hand.

My father was oblivious to all this commotion. Instead, he chose this exact moment to zero in and focus on a tiny hole in the knee of my pants, about the size of a dime. Immediately he began to rage. "What the hell do you think you're doing, dressing like this for your visit with me?! Of all the hard-earned money I send to your mother every month, she can't dress you any better than this?! You both have a lot of nerve! Go in and change your clothes immediately! We're not going anywhere with you dressed in rags!" I remember his words and the look of disbelief and outrage on his face. The details of what happened next, however, are rather a blur.

I know my hand hurt like hell. I know all three of us kids did go back inside the house. I know my parents kept on yelling until my father finally drove away alone. I know I did not receive any medical attention--parental attention of any kind--for my smashed hand. There was no emergency room, no doctor's call, no ice pack, nothing. I think I went into the bathroom and ran some cold water in the sink to soothe my throbbing hand.

Now, with a broken rib, all you can do is wait for it to heal. You're not put into a cast. About all you can do is ice it down and take pain meds. It takes about six to eight weeks--and you wait and wait--to get back to normal activity while your ribs heal. That's about all I can do.

There's not much else to be done on this rib issue, when it comes to my healthy, present day self care. But, I started thinking that there are so many ways I can nurture and heal my inner child. This remembrance is an opportunity for me to mourn my lost and neglected childhood and to grieve for the emotional and physical pain that I, as a little girl, had to endure alone. What types of nurturing and basic care did you not receive from the people who were supposed to be your parents?

Hhmmm...let's start a list. Mothering we didn’t get: reassurance, warmth, comfort, empathy, compassion, protection, optimism, confidence, faith, songs, rocking, attachment, holding, gentleness, patience, allowance, acceptance, guidance, safety, reliability, consistency, TLC, caring, attention, medical attention, adoration, play, wisdom, tenderness, joy, trust, LOVE, unconditional love, nurturing, delight...

Delight. Yes. Don't you like that one? Is it so much to ask that a mother actually take delight in her precious child? It comes so easily for me with my own beautiful son. The day I brought my tiny newborn home from the hospital was about the most elated I've ever been in my life. I was so delighted with my new child. Why was it such an overwhelming burden and impossibility for my own mother?

This is one of the reasons why I did what many may consider an odd thing--I bought a baby doll and I sing to her. In a mindful and sincere way, I sing to my inner child: "You're my beautiful baby girl. You're an angel in this world. You're adorable. My beautiful baby girl."

Using my motherly list I started above, I wrote a poem, which I can also put to music in my head and sing to my inner child. Here it is:

Nurture My Soul

I love you
There, there
Let me comfort you

I care
It’s Okay
It’s okay to cry

I’ll protect you
I’m here
It’s safe now for you to rest

Lay your head down
Here’s my shoulder
I will stroke your hair

It’s okay
You can show me
I will dress your wounds

Sleep now
Close your eyes
I will stay with you

No need to hide
It’s safe for you now
You can be you with me

Run to me
When you’re scared
I will protect you

You can feel
Even your rage
It is safe with me

You are beautiful
The way you are
I find great joy in you

I am patient
With your not knowing
And I will show you how

My arms are open
Fall into them
I will gently rock you

You’re frightened
It’s dark
Be still; I’ll sing to you

Everyone has fears
But the world can be a wonderful place
I’ll help you to see that It’ll be okay.

Copyright 2009 Marj McCabe ~ All Rights Reserved

Sunday, January 25, 2009

my 99

(okay so i actually did this about three weeks ago and i'm just getting around to posting it. so i hope you all enjoy it!)
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this little meme has been going around, i thought i'd do it for fun. ;)

Things I have done are listed in BOLD (my comments in parenthesis)

1. Started your own blog (or two or three or...you get the point)

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band (i'm going to count the orchestra as a band, i played in the elementary and junior high school orchestras)

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity (if you count tithing, i've done that many times. 10% may not seem like a whole lot but sometimes it really is.)

7. Been to Disneyland/world

8. Climbed a mountain (hiking counts as climbing, right? if you mean actually climbing with harness and stuff, i will count the fake one at the rock climbing gym.)

9. Held a praying mantis (fyi, don't piss one off. if they hook you it hurts like hell. happened when i was about nine.)

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight (who hasn't? seriously?)

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping (in my own backyard)

27. Run a Marathon (i am told i am not allowed to tell my dad he is old or make fun of him for being old until i beat him in a marathon. i say i just wait until he's too old to run one and then i can say that i could beat him in a marathon, even if i walked it over the span of three or four days.)

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person (too little to remember, but i have)

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing (oh, here's the rock climbing question, so i guess hiking does count as climbing a mountain.)

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted (you know us weird artists, as students we're constantly painting each other. i have a whole bunch of drawings of fellow students, plus a million more of myself, because when you have no one else you have a mirror and your own face.)

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie (i was in a keith urban music video once, does that count? i was also an extra in an episode of touched by an angel once)

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business (we filed paperwork and paid for it, never did anything with it)

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Gotten flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy (a whole bunch of them, actually)

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper (a few times, the first time i was in third grade. then a few times in high school.)

85. Read the entire Bible

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life (i think so. i talked someone out of suicide once. actually...more than once...also pulled my sister out of the road before she got hit by a car once)

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake (bunches of times! i grew up right next to it.)

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee (last time was just before i started seventh grade, i stepped on one.)

Friday, January 23, 2009

taking a break

i'm feeling really apathetic to a lot of things lately. difficult to concentrate on stuff, more than it was before. so i have been slacking out in the blogosphere.

forgive me for using my "mark all as read" button too much over the past few days.

hopefully soon i'll be back to "normal" (haha)!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Let Bitterness Be Put Away From You

originally posted at modern molly mormon

How do I put away feelings that I didn't ask for in the first place, emotions that I feel so strongly?
The scriptures suggest that bitterness is not something just to be tolerated but something to be given up. Paul counseled, "Let all bitterness...be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." (Eph. 4:31-32.)
We must reconsider our view of where bad feelings come from. Bitterness, and feelings like it, cannot develop into a lasting attitude unless we cultivate these feelings. In clinging to bitterness, we blind ourselves to the fact that we are doing just that.
When we harden our hearts, gospel counsel looks unrealistic or impossible. But when we soften our hearts, amazingly, we begin to ask different questions of ourselves and allow the Lord to comfort us in our search of peace. A scriptural example of this is the account of Enoch's vision. When Enoch was shown the fate of those in the Flood, "he had bitterness of soul, and wept over his brethren, and said unto the heavens: I will refuse to be comforted." (Moses 7:44).
Even Enoch had to learn that to refuse to be comforted is to consciously spurn the comfort of God. "The Lord said unto Enoch: Lift up your heart, and be glad; and look." (Moses 7:44). Enoch's refusal to be comforted and his bitterness of soul went hand in hand. Yet the Lord did not abandon him, but continues the vision, showing Enoch that the descendants of Noah would all be given the possibility of sanctification and eternal life.
If the Atonement is applicable to Enoch, who repented of his "bitterness of soul," then persons suffering bitterness about abuse, about divorce, about any negative experience can similarly repent and similarly receive comfort. But we must first accept the idea that we are agents, capable of acting rather than simply being acted upon. We gain greater understanding by asking ourselves the following questions:
Have I refused to be comforted by the Lord?
In prayer have I truly sought meekness and lowliness of heart in order to be comforted by the Lord?
Am I willing to cast my burden on the Savior so that I can get on with life and be at peace?
Excerpts taken from 'Freedom From Bitterness' in the 1991 Ensign, by Terrence Olsen

Monday, January 19, 2009

another give-a-way!

mormon mommy blogs is having a big january giveaway!

but don't go enter because i want to win. ;)

(just kidding. okay, not really.)

Sunday, January 18, 2009

because i've been showing off everyone else's art this week

i decided to post some of my own art. these images aren't the best, i just took pictures of them because many are too large to scan.

i would love some feedback...but in a specific way. i'm going to number each one. please leave a comment and tell me one word to describe the feeling/emotion you get when looking at that piece. if you only want to mention one, or two, whichever ones really strike you, that's great. the whole point to my art is to evoke emotion, and to portray the emotions i feel at the time i am producing the art.

1.

2.
3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

so...one word. how does it make you feel?

Saturday, January 17, 2009

i'm back!

so my little break is over, and i feel rejuvenated and hopeful. it's kind of a weird feeling, this optimism and hope. i'm almost afraid to be feeling this way, i'm afraid it's not real, that it won't last. but i am holding on to every shred of happiness i can right now. and i am so happy to be back with my family.

thank you all for your comments while i was gone! i was SHOCKED and just THRILLED to come back to find 61 new emails! 61! holy cow! i've never been so popular. i should go away more often.....(okay, not really.)

also, please forgive me for not catching up on all of your blog posts over the last week. i opened my reader and saw that i had 316 unread items. there was my second holy cow, only not a thrilled one. (haha!) so i did just hit the "mark all as read" button. i will be back to reading your blogs as you post them. there is no way i can go back and read everything i've missed.

i hope that you are all doing well and have had a good week. thanks again for all of your comments. :)

perfect

this is an automatically generated post, because i am away for a few days, working on getting my life in order. i would love to come back to an inbox full of comments, from my readers sharing their thoughts with me. so please leave a comment!

taken from the archives of my private blog
"Color is the keyboard,
the eyes are the hammers,
the soul is the piano with many strings.
The artist is the hand that plays,
touching one key or another,
to cause vibrations in the soul."
- Vassily Kandinsky

Yellow Red Blue

Black-Violet

Composition 8

what do you think of kandinsky? do you like abstract art, or are you more of a realist kind of person?

Friday, January 16, 2009

annunciation

this is an automatically generated post, because i am away for a few days, working on getting my life in order. i would love to come back to an inbox full of comments, from my readers sharing their thoughts with me. so please leave a comment!

much of the art world revolves around religious art, especially throughout the baroque and pre-renaissance and renaissance periods. many paintings were done of a single biblical occurrence. i've always loved to compare these, especially across time periods. recently i've been intrigued with depictions of the annunciation.

artist: Fra Angelico

what do you think mary was feeling as the angel told her she was to carry the Son of God?

artist: Francesco de Goya

what do you think she felt? fear? excitement? inadequacy? determination?

artist: Leonardo da Vinci

i've wondered if she ever shed tears over her calling. if she was just so scared of failure. if she thought she couldn't do it, even for a moment. or was she chosen to be the mother of Christ because Heavenly Father thought she wouldn't feel that way?

artist: Sandro Botticelli

i think that she probably did. she was scared, unsure of herself, afraid of what would happen. she was human, just like you and i, and i can't possibly believe that Heavenly Father expected her to take such a difficult calling without any doubts, ever. we are all given challenges, we are all given difficulties in life. i'm sure many people would be upset at my view of Ave Maria, especially those religions that pray to her. i love the catholic view on Mary, that she is benevolent, an intercessor on their behalf. the quintessential mother-figure to everyone on earth.

as a mother myself, i feel fear, and doubt, and uncertainty about my own calling. i worry about what kind of a mother i will be and if i can provide everything necessary to my children. what must mary have thought, knowing she would be the mother to Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world?

artist: El Greco

if you are a parent, what do you think, how did you feel when you discovered you were expecting a child? if you are not, how do you think you would feel?

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Forgiveness Often Does More For the Forgiver


originally published at modern molly mormon

Is it required of me to truly forgive someone who has altered my life so drastically?
In the January 1974 Ensign, Elder Marion D. Hanks said the following.
"What is our response when we are offended misunderstood, unfairly or unkindly treated, or sinned against, made an offender for a word, falsely accused, passed over, hurt by those we love, our offerings rejected? Do we resent, become bitter, and hold a grudge? Or do we resolve the problem if we can, forgive and rid ourselves of the burden?"
"The nature of our response to such situation smay well determine the nature and quality of our lives, here and eternally."
Forgiveness can be one of the hardest steps that we have to take as victims of abuse. It is often a long process, which requires a lot of prayer and fasting. Often it seems unfair that the Lord would require us to forgive when we have been wronged. However, if we will remember everything our Father in HEaven requires of us is for our own good, we will begin to understand that forgiveness is really for us, the wounded ones.
Boyd K. Packer said it like this.
"This is my counsel to you. If you have festering sores, a grudge, some bitterness, disappointment, or jealousy, get hold of yourself. You may not be able to control things out there with others but you can control things here, inside of you. It will then be as though a cloudy, dirty film has been erased from the world around you' and though the problem may remain, the sun will come out. The beam will have been lifted from your eyes. There will come a peace that surpasseth understanding." (Ensign, November 1977)
And H. Burke Peterson summed it all up very well when he counseled,
"Forgiveness of others for wrongs, imaginary or real, often does more for the forgiver than for the forgiven." (Ensign, November 1983)
Forgiveness is something I am still working on. I still harbor some very negative feelings toward my abuser. However, I know the importance of forgiveness. And although it may take many more years, I will continue to work toward being able to truly forgive him for what he has done to me.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

another warhol post

this is an automatically generated post, because i am away for a few days, working on getting my life in order. i would love to come back to an inbox full of comments, from my readers sharing their thoughts with me. so please leave a comment!

another ode to andy warhol. these photos are by billy name.




which one is your favorite? don't you love this superficially humorous quotes? it's great to not think so much sometimes, to just look at something on the surface.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

sweet sweet fantasy

this is an automatically generated post, because i am away for a few days, working on getting my life in order. i would love to come back to an inbox full of comments, from my readers sharing their thoughts with me. so please leave a comment!

i adore this painting. the romance! the intrigue! are they secret lovers? are they newly married? is he leaving her for a long period of time, to have adventures in a far-off land? are they running away together?


The Kiss
Francesco Hayez

i feel wistfully romantic when i look at this piece. makes me think of all those beautiful romantic moments in my life.

does this painting make you think of a romantic moment you've had? or does it incite a fantasy? i can see it now--my handsome hubby, in that hat with a feather and a sweeping cape, whisking me away in secret to steal a kiss just before we run away together.

are you as sickeningly romantic as i am?

Monday, January 12, 2009

what does it say to you?

this is an automatically generated post, because i am away for a few days, working on getting my life in order. i would love to come back to an inbox full of comments, from my readers sharing their thoughts with me. so please leave a comment!
i recently came across this painting, in an art book my in-laws gave me for christmas. i instantly fell in love with it. one of my favorite things about art is wondering what is going on in the painting. why did the artist depict the subject this way? what was the artist trying to convey?
The Lady in Blue
Jean Baptiste Camille Corot

Such a beautiful woman, in a beautiful dress. Such a sad expression on her face. Or is it contemplative?

What do you think she is thinking? What do you think is going on in her life? What does this painting say to you, right this second?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

not my article but important to share anyway

this morning i read the latest post over at the segullah blog. by the end of it, i was in tears. i would send you all over to read it, which i am telling you to do, but i also believe that many of you won't click the link and read it. and i think that it is a beautiful thing that everyone should read. I am going to post it here for you as well.

As A Woman?
By Kathryn Soper
Posted at Blog Segullah

A few days ago I posted this quote from Chieko Okazaki at Times & Seasons, and asked readers if they believed it was true.


We know that on some level Jesus experienced the totality of mortal existence in Gethsemane. It’s our faith that he experienced everything–absolutely everything. Sometimes we don’t think through the implications of that belief. We talk in great generalities about the sins of all humankind, about the suffering of the entire human family. But we don’t experience pain in generalities. We experience it individually. That means Jesus knows what it felt like when your mother died of cancer–how it was for your mother, how it still is for you. He knows what it felt like to lose the student-body election. He knows that moment when the brakes locked, and the car started to skid. He experienced the slave ship sailing from Ghana toward Virginia. He experienced the gas chambers at Dachau. He experienced napalm in Vietnam. He knows about drug addiction and alcoholism.

Today I’m sharing the next segment of the quote. Ready?


There is nothing you have experienced as a woman that he does not also know and recognize. On a profound level, he understands about pregnancy and giving birth. He knows about PMS and cramps and menopause. He understands about rape and infertility and abortion.

His last recorded words to his disciples were, “And lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world.” (Matthew 28:20) What does that mean? It means he understands your mother-pain when your five-year-old leaves for kindergarten, when a bully picks on your fifth-grader, when your daughter calls to say that the new baby has Down syndrome. He knows your mother-rage when a trusted babysitter sexually abuses your two-year-old, when someone gives your thirteen-year-old drugs, when someone seduces your seventeen-year-old. He knows the pain you live with when you come home to a quiet apartment where the only children who ever come are visitors, when you hear that your former husband and his new wife were sealed in the temple last week, when your fiftieth wedding anniversary rolls around and your husband has been dead for two years. He knows all that. He’s been there. He’s been lower than all that.


I believe Jesus comprehends all of my experiences in mortality, including those unique to womanhood. Why? because I interpret the scriptures to say that Jesus is connected with every human being (not to mention every living thing) through the medium of the spirit, and that through this avenue he experiences everything that we experience. He’s aware of everything happening to everyone at every moment. He suffers and rejoices along with us–and there’s no division along gender lines.

Yes, Jesus has a male body, but the life in every body is the holy spirit. There’s not a separate spirit for men and women. Whatever I sense, think, and feel is part of the current that is constantly flowing through him.

What about you? Do you believe that Jesus truly understands your experiences–including those rooted in womanhood? And if so, why?



please leave your comments here. but also, if you are going to comment on this post, please take the few minutes to go over to the original post and leave comments for the author. she spent the time to write this. i just thought it was so beautiful i wanted my readers to share in it as well.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

long way to happy

i love pink. not the color, the singer. i love her music. the other day i was listening to her cd "i'm not dead" and this song struck me in a way it never had. i think i was finally really listening to the lyrics, and i hadn't before. so tell me what you think. what does this song say to you? what do you think about it?

Long Way to Happy

One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Left my childhood behind
In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head(losing my head)
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
Too young to know I had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it (didn't hurt to lose it)
Didn't hurt to lose it (didn't hurt to lose it)
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long, long, long, long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

(you can listen to it below if you'd like)


so what do you think?

Friday, January 9, 2009

because i am bored

it's 11 pm and i am not asleep. why? because although i'm depressed as hell (hooray for depression...NOT) my mind thinks that sleep is unnecessary. so instead of laying in bed staring at the ceiling fan and being incredibly jealous of hubby sleeping next to me i will thrill you with this fun little meme.

What is bothering you right now?
the fact that i can't sleep, and i want to. and my back. :P

What does your last received text message say?
i'm not sure because my phone is upstairs charging. probably "luvu"

When was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life?
i'm not sure

What are you doing tonight?
blogging

What was the last voicemail you received about?
dr's appointment

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
yes, a whole bunch

Do you look at the keyboard when you type?
no

Do you think your last ex deserves to die?
no

Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
i never go to sleep smiling, my face relaxes when i go to sleep

Did you have a good day yesterday?
it was okay, better than a lot of recent days

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
i married him! i talk to him daily

What is your current mood?
tired, kind of scared and apprehensive

What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
getting on the road to healing, being a better person. little buddy's first birthday!

How's your heart lately?
pumping like normal!

Will this weekend be a good one?
i hope so! looking forward to seeing some friends tomorrow and spending as much time with hubby and little buddy as i possibly can.

Who hugged you last?
hubby

What is your relationship status?
married

Look behind you, what do you see?
a wall

Any summer plans for 2009?
not so far!

How's your life lately?
scary. i don't know what's going to happen, i'm out of control and i hate that.

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
my own

Do you miss anyone?
yes. i miss myself. i hope i can get myself back again soon. i hate who i am right now.

Is there one place you'd like to visit?
florence, venice, paris (that's three but maybe if we say EUROPE it will count as one place.)

Have you held hands with anyone today?
hubby

Ever been swimming in a lake or river?
both. once, in high school, i went swimming in the river at dark. actually, i jumped out of a tree into the river but i couldn't see where the rocks ended and the river began. i also didn't know how deep it was there. pretty stupid, huh?

Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
yes. a few friends i've lost touch with.

What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
told hubby i loved him

Do you give out second chances easily?
usually yes. but it depends on why that person needs a second chance.

What woke you up today?
little buddy, like every day.

Your ex shows up randomly at your house what do you say?
get off my property

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
you bet! my hubby.

Two days from now this time, where will you be?
hopefully in bed asleep

Have you ever thought you were going to marry someone?
ever? yeah, like about a million guys, beginning when i was three. like most girls.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
little buddy

How late did you stay up last night and why?
i don't remember

When was the last time you did something you knew was wrong?
not sure exactly

Have you ever been nice to someone who treated you like crap?
yes

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
"anything," yes. but not very much like it. last year i was not a mommy. a lot has changed, i have changed.

When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking?
a few days ago. panic attacks tend to make you feel that way.

Who are your favorite people to talk to when you’re down?
hubby, my friends kaitlyn and steph, now that i'm an adult my mom and dad

Does the person you like, like you back?
i think so. i'm pretty hard to live with lately.

When was the last time you talked with the opposite sex on the phone? Who?
hubby, on my way home from work

Are you friends with someone who lies about the stupidest stuff ever?
yes

Pick a word that starts with the first letter of your first name:
cornnut (haha)

What's something that always gives you the chills?
a beautiful, powerful piece of music.

How was the past week for you?
long. a lot has changed as far as the future goes in the last week.

Whats your favorite color?
red

What are you listening to?
the tv, and the heater

What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
chocolate. i really only like pb in reese's.

If the year only consisted of one season which would you choose?
fall

If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you?
if it were someone other than hubby, no way is a cool way. if it were hubby, i like hugs.

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
nope

What's one thing you want more than anything in your life?
emotional stability

What was on your mind most today?
next week

Last person you gave something to?
gave hubby a kiss

Do you like winter time?
parts of it

Do you believe that if you want someone bad enough you'll get them?
define "bad enough." no--if i spent my entire life pining after, say, some celebrity, no matter how "badly" i wanted him i seriously doubt i'd get him.

What's your favorite fruit?
i like all fruit. i love pears. and fresh pineapple, coconut, raspberries, oranges...

Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
nope i definitely can't

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
in a heartbeat

Do you know anyone named Taylor?
yes, a few people

Are you friends with someone who is older than you?
yep

In the past week have you felt stupid?
frequently. i keep getting my words jumbled and saying stupid and or incoherent things.

Do people ever mistake you for being a different race?
haha. no way. i'm as white as they come.

Do your nails ALWAYS have to be painted?
no. in fact i rarely paint them because the paint chips within 30 seconds and then it bugs me so bad i have to chip it all off.

Do you have your baby picture in your room?
not my baby picture

What did you do today?
cleaned, took care of the baby, worked, visited with my parents, spent time with hubby

What happened at 4AM this morning?
nothing i'm aware of, i was sleeping

Were you happy when you woke up today?
no. baby woke earlier than usual.

Last thing received in the mail?
ads

Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines?
yes and i hate it, i always sound retarded

Do you have any career ideas yet?
a few. mommy, art therapist, art historian, graphic designer. i'd love to be everything all at once. too bad i can't do that.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
every night

At this time yesterday, what were you doing?
i think i was actually asleep

Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?
hubby

so now that you're thoroughly bored, feel free to do it yourself. maybe then you won't be bored.

let the freak out begin

i sold a drawing.

what? what was that i said?

you heard me right. i sold a drawing.

i am freaking out. seriously? seriously! i've been chatting a bit with this woman over at the child abuse survivor network. i'd posted a bunch of my art, which is a huge part of my healing and my ability to deal with the abuse. she contacted me and asked if i would be willing to sell it to her. (i'm not going to tell you how much, out of respect for her, but i was thrilled with the price we decided on.)

it is going to be difficult for me to part with it i think, although it isn't one of my absolute favorites. this is a drawing i did in 2004 when i was really starting to heal quickly and i was doing better than i ever had. it is, in fact, a drawing that depicts the healing side, rather than the painful side, of my experience.

this is the painting i sold. it is untitled. pencil/prisma.


i cannot tell you how thrilled i am. as an artist, it is a huge validation of my thought process, of my time, of my work, of me, when someone appreciates my art.

if you want to see more of my art, i posted some of them here. and if you're interested in purchasing one, or commissioning one, you can leave me a comment with your email, or email me at cornnut32 AT gmail DOT com.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Use the Lord's Healing Power

Excerpt from "Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse" by Elder Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 1992


"If you feel there is only a thin thread of hope, believe me, it is not a thread. It can be the unbreakable connecting link to the Lord which puts a life preserver around you. He will heal you as you cease to fear and place your trust in him by striving to live his teachings.

Please, don't suffer more. Ask now for the Lord to help you. Don't view all that you experience in life through lenses darkened by the scars of abuse. There is so much in life that is beautiful. Open the windows of your heart and let the love of the Savior in. And should ugly thoughts of past abuse ocme back, remember his love and his healing power. Your depression will be converted to peace and assurance. You will close an ugly chapter and open volumes of happiness."

also published on modern molly mormon

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

so georgie over at decisionally challenged (this great blog i recently ran across) posted this little meme. i decided it would be a fun thing to do to kind of relax a bit.

so here's the deal: she gave me a letter (the letter E) and i have to come up with 10 things i love that begin with the letter e. so here we go!

1. elephants: i love elephants. they are my mom's favorite animal, and i think she gave that to me (even though they aren't my favorite.) they're majestic animals, beautiful, and i love to watch them move. did you ever see that episode of reading rainbow (or is it sesame street?) where they show the elephants getting a bath? to the tune of "splish splash." i always thought it was so cool they used these huge brooms to scrub them down.

2. energy: i couldn't live without it. lately i have had NONE to do ANYTHING (even eat, most of the time) and i sorely miss it. i look forward to getting it back!

3. email: what would we do without email? what did we do before we had email? the instantaneous communication is awesome. plus, you don't have to go looking for stamps. or buy stamps. (even though i ADORE snail mail, there is a reason why it is called snail mail.) hubby and i communicate through email a lot when i'm at work, and it's great.

4. egyptian art: pyramids, frescoes, statues, idols, tapestries...oh the list could go on. beauty meets function. hubby and i were watching antiques roadshow the other day (which i love teehee) and some guy brought in this little idol of a falcon, which was supposed to be for the god horace, i think. anyway, the inside was hollow and it used to contain a mummified falcon as an offering to the god. beautiful. i loved it.

5. electricity: oh, electricity. heat. light. a/c. the ability to use my computer/blow dryer/plug in my cell phone/listen to my cds/watch tv/live comfortably.

6. eyes, and eyesight (i'm combining the two): i am an artist. i adore art history. what would i do without my eyes? my life would not be the same. i would not be the same. plus, i think it's pretty darn cool that i can check out hubby's butt (which is pretty darn sexy). and to see the smile on my baby's face, and his beautiful blue eyes. i would be miserable without my eyesight.

7. eiffel tower: someday i want to visit. someday i want a cliche kiss from hubby at the top, overlooking paris at night. ah, c'est la vie.

8. ernie (as in burt and ernie from sesame street): georgie mentioned sesame street on her blog and it made me think about ernie. he was my favorite character on sesame street, with his rubber ducky. when i was a kid i had an ernie doll that taught me how to do buttons, zippers, tie shoelaces, etc. you know, one of those fun dolls. i loved it.

9. education: i love learning new things. i'm glad i've been able to have such a great education. i adored high school (at least the academics, haha) and was kind of a nerd, i always got good grades and studied hard. i would love to be able to go back to college someday and finish my degree. i think a good education is vital, not just in the career world but also to increase our brain capabilities.

10. english: one of my favorite subjects. mostly because i love to read. i hated grammar, which i suck at. i know what is and what isn't correct (most of the time) but you ask me to point out the participle and i'll give you a blank stare. ask me to point out the noun and verb in "the dog ran" and i could do it but that's probably about it.

if anyone would like to participate in this and put in on their own blog, leave me a comment with your email address and i'll pick a fun letter for you!

even better, go into your blogger profile and enable the reply by email thingy so every time you leave a comment i can reply by email. you have no idea how often i go to reply to the fun comments you leave and i can't because there's no email! and i usually don't reply right on my blog, because i seriously doubt most of you, if any of you, check back to see if i left you a comment. i never do when i leave comments on other blogs. and, if i were to respond on your blog, it would be all weird and out of place. so that would be freaking awesome.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

lessons from a sparrow

it was a beautiful spring day, march of 2005. i was on campus at the university i attended. i had been battling a bout of depression, had been seeing a therapist on campus (that i didn't really like) and was struggling.

it was during class time and i was basically alone, in an area between buildings on the end of campus that not many students roam down. i threw down my backpack on the grass, layed down with my back toward the sidewalk and closed my eyes. and i prayed.

i prayed for strength, for help, for so much help, because i just couldn't do it by myself any more. i was ready to give up. i've been ready to give up, or given up, so many times in my life. i knew i was on the verge of total meltdown and needed as much help as i could get.

as i was laying there, silent tears streaming down my face, i heard a bird chirping pretty close to me. i looked up. about four feet from where i was laying was a pine tree, about six feet tall. there was a tiny little sparrow under it. the sparrow had found an acorn laying in the grass, from the large oak trees just beyond a fence. the sparrow picked up the acorn, which was much too large for his beak, and hopped up the tree, from one tiny branch to the next. no more than two or thee hops later, and the sparrow lost the grip on the acorn and flew back down to the ground to start again.

i watched this bird try to carry the acorn up the tree for half of an hour. over and over again he would drop the acorn and start over. the whole time chirping and trying again. he never paused, he never gave up. sometimes he would make a little more progress, but never farther than a foot up the tree.

at first i watched him and thought, "what a dumb bird! that nut is obviously too big for him. why doesn't he just give up and find a smaller one?" but after about fifteen minutes, i realized this was my answer. this was the answer to my prayer for strength.

half an hour watching this beautiful little bird try his hardest to get his prized nut up the pine tree. half an hour of watching the sparrow try, and try, and work, and work, and never give up. no hesitation, no outward show of frustration. just perseverance.

i realized that my depression was like that nut that was too big for the sparrow to carry up the tree. i was struggling, just as he was. but unlike the sparrow, i was ready to give up and run away. i was ready to sit on the ground and cry about my problems instead of continuing to fight.

i have reached that point again in my life. the point where i just want to sit down and cry. i want to hide in my closet, crawl in my bed under the blankets, and run away from everything. but i won't. i refuse to. i know that the weeks ahead of me will be full of challenges i have never faced before. they will be full of tears, and struggles, and i will want to sit and cry. i will want to hide. but i won't. i won't. because i am going to be like that silly little bird: no matter how big, how insurmountable the task seems, i will not hesitate. i will not stop working at it, hopping one tiny little branch to the next all the way up the 15 foot tree i have ahead of me. when i fall, and i will, i won't give up no matter how much i want to. i will pick that acorn up in my too-small beak and i will just keep on moving forward.

and i will never forget that sparrow. the sparrow who, after half an hour when i left, was still trying to get the acorn up the tree.

art is what you can get away with

did any of you see the movie "factory girl"? i wanted to see it. never did though.


i've always liked andy warhol. a lot of people don't care for pop art (or for him). but beyond his art, i like andy warhol. he was intelligent, he was secure, he is opinionated, he was everything he wanted to be--he was happy.
i wish i could have such a positive influence on the world around me.

"What’s great about this country is that America started the tradition where the richest consumers buy essentially the same things as the poorest. You can be watching TV and see Coca-Cola, and you know that the President drinks Coke, Liz Taylor drinks Coke, and just think, you can drink Coke, too. A Coke is a Coke and no amount of money can get you a better Coke than the one the bum on the corner is drinking. All the Cokes are the same and all the Cokes are good. Liz Taylor knows it, the President knows it, the bum knows it, and you know it." (from the philosophy of andy warhol, 1975)

Monday, January 5, 2009

Modern Mollies Abuse Support Group


Because abuse is such a prevalent thing in our society, I believe it is so important to do everything we can to facilitate healing among us. A while ago I posted a link to a network for survivors of child abuse. I have been active in this network, and I have been absolutely amazed at how kind, loving, and supportive my fellow survivors are. It has helped me so much to be able to share my struggles with them and know that they understand what I am going through.

This got me thinking. At Modern Molly Mormon have access to forums as well. One thing that the other survivors I have become friends with don't completely understand is my religious views and how they have helped me. But here, we can use the gospel and our knowledge of Christ, the atonement, and the words of the prophets to facilitate our healing. What better way to be able to share this than in a Modern Mollies Abuse Support Group?

If you are a survivor of abuse, or if you want to show your love and support for those that are, please come join our discussion. Our group will only be beneficial if we are actively involved in it.

I look forward to getting to know you all better there!

happy birthday hubby

this is for my husband, who turns 26 today. i wish you a very happy birthday, honey. i just want you to know that i love you and admire you, and even if things aren't perfect you make them better than they are. i know i've shared this with you before, but i want you to re-read it and remember them, because even when i'm crazy i still feel this way.

as for everyone else, you can read them and be jealous!

75 reasons why i love my hubby:
1. he remembers little things, like how i like forks better than spoons.
2. he talks to me via email while i'm at work.
3. he can be very romantic and spontaneous, and i love that.
4. he has such an incredible work ethic! he works so hard for our family, even though it is not easy.
5. i can trust him completely, with anything.
6. i know that he loves me unconditionally.
7. he is such an incredible father! he loves our baby so much.
8. he is fiercely loyal--which is one of the reasons i fell in love with him.
9. he has the sexiest butt! :) it's nice and tight and i love it.
10. i love the way he laughs when he things something is really funny!
11. he tells me i'm a good mommy a lot.
12. he helps me out with things around the house when i ask him to.
13. he's a really good cook.
14. he likes to sleep in with me
15. he brings me cokes randomly because he knows i love them
16. he supports me in my work
17. he is so intelligent and learns things quickly.
18. i know he would do anything to protect me and our baby.
19. he gives the best hugs and kisses :)
20. he always wants to fix things when they go badly. no matter how badly.
21. he has a very black and white sense of what's wrong and what isn't.
22. he wants everything to be good, and right, and people to be respectful
23. he is respectful of other people's rights.
24. he is strong physically and mentally--i know i can lean on him, which i do, a LOT.
25. he is always worried about my health and well-being.
26. he is so good about taking care of our finances, he's never been late on any payments.
27. he always does what he says he will do.
28. he is so responsible!
29. he tells me he loves me a million times a day.
30. he is committed to our marriage and to making things work.
31. he has the bluest, most incredible eyes i've ever seen.
32. i know that if there is an emergency he can stay calm and take care of it.
33. i don't have to worry about leaving the baby with him--he does such a good job of taking care of him!
34. he knows so much about medical things, i love that he carries a huge first aid kit in his car.
35. he'll eat just about anything :)
36. i love it when he calls me "pretty eyes"
37. he always asks what he can do for me, and how he can help me.
38. he knows how to make me smile and laugh when i'm mad at him. it's so hard to stay upset when he does that!
39. he watches trashy reality tv with me.
40. he rubs my back when i ask him to and does a great job
41. he always checks the mileage every time he gets gas
42. he shreds his receipts. endearing even if it is messy.
43. he encourages me to do things i love, like scrapbooking, playing the piano, etc.
44. he understands that my family is important to me.
45. he helps me to relax because i stress out a lot over stupid things.
46. he likes to cuddle with me when we're watching tv
47. he has accomplished so much in his life! he has so many certifications and has experienced so many things.
48. i am so impressed with everything he knows. i can't believe how intelligent he is.
49. i fall more in love with him every day, no matter what.
50. i know that i couldn't live without him, he makes my life complete.
51. i am happier with him than i have ever been.
52. he is a stickler about time, and we are never late to anything.
53. he always stays on top of current events, constantly checking the news websites and watching it on tv.
54. he says what he thinks no matter what. i never have to wonder what he's thinking.
55. he is very opinionated and stubborn, just like me! makes things interesting.
56. i feel special knowing he dated sooooo many girls, and could have had just about anyone he wanted, and he picked me.
57. he gets jealous when i think an actor or a singer is cute
58. even though he hates pictures he lets me take them of him because he knows how important they are
59. he is the most handsome and attractive man in the world ;)
60. he is there for me no matter what, no matter what happens or what i do.
61. he always does things the best that he can.
62. he is willing to do things he doesn't want to do when he knows how important it is to me.
63. he wants me to be happy and does what he can to make me happy.
64. he goes to the mall and wanders around with me even though he gets bored.
65. he likes to go places like the zoo and the aquarium with me
66. when he eats crab he gets butter ALL OVER the place! and when he eats ribs he gets BBQ sauce all over too!
67. he uses paper to floss after he eats.
68. he has a really good singing voice even though he doesn't think so. i loved to hear him sing hymns in church (since that's really the only time he sings)
69. he surprises me with things like concert tickets and flowers every once in awhile
70. he teaches me things about life, and football, and everything he knows.
71. he makes extra effort to get along with people at work, even though i know it's hard for him because they can be obnoxious.
72. he would do anything to help out a friend in need.
73. he apologizes when he realizes he's wrong.
74. he always makes sure to give me a kiss goodnight and before he leaves (even if i'm asleep!)
75. he is the best husband i could ask for, and i am so blessed and so proud that he is mine.

i love you honey...i hope you know that. i want you to know that no matter what happens in our lives or with each other that i love you and that i want to be with you forever. i am so proud of you, for everything you do. i appreciate all of your hard work. you are the best!

happy birthday!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

the mother i want to be

i scrapbooked last night. while i couldn't sleep. i did some pictures from last april and may. i was amazed at how much little buddy has changed. he has grown up so fast. i feel as if i'm missing it, when he is right before my eyes.

will i remember exactly what it is like? will i remember his little wave, and the way he is when i walk into his room in the morning? will i remember the way he climbs on me to give me hugs when i'm sitting on the floor? will i remember how he pulls the laundry out of the basket or how he tries to chew on my cell phone? will i remember that little face he makes at me, when his eyebrows go up?

i am looking forward to his getting older. i'm excited for the day he tells me he loves me. i'm excited for him to be able to feed himself and dress himself. i can't wait to be that proud mamma at the school christmas program. i'm excited to see who he will become as he grows up.

how will he remember me? when he is an adult, how will he look back at his childhood? will he remember a mom who is a total basketcase (which i am), whose behavior is completely erratic, who loved him but wasn't capable of taking care of him the way he needed? will he remember a mother who was there for him, emotionally and physically, who made sure he had everything he needed, who loved him and taught him well?

when i look back on my own childhood, it was a mess most of the time. my mother, whom i love, is bipolar. she wasn't diagnosed with bipolar disorder until i was 17, but she suffered from it for years. her behavior was extremely unpredictable. her mood swings nearly unbearable. i know my mother loved me. but she could not provide the support i needed sometimes, because she was emotionally incapable of doing so, not because she didn't want to.

last night i was talking to my mom. i haven't told her anything about my recent struggles with depression or my flashbacks. but she could tell. twice she asked me if i was ok, both times i told her i was fine. then the third time she said, "are you sure you're okay? you sound really down." so i told her. i told her i've been having nightmares, and flashbacks, and struggling with depression. i told her i was going back to counseling. (tomorrow, by the way.) and instead of the reaction i thought i would get, that i've gotten so many times (we have provided every opportunity for you to get help and you just don't seem to want to work at it. now you are going back to counseling and you should have taken advantage of it when you were at home with us), i was shocked. do you know what she said to me? "i'm so glad you're going back to counseling. and please know that i am here for you. if you ever need to talk, you can always call me, no matter what time." she said that twice.

i am so glad my relationship with my mother is better now that i am an adult. but it saddens me that we didn't have that when i was growing up. not all of it was because of her mental illness. part of it was mine, too. my depression, my anger after being abused, and the fact that i didn't want to understand her issues. she has come a long way since i was a kid. she is still off the wall a lot, she complains (and yells) almost all the time. but at least she tries so hard to be understanding and supportive.

my greatest fear is (and has been for a long time) that my kids will think about me the way i thought about my mother when i was a kid. when i was little i was terrified of her. when i was a teenager, i hated her. (most kids hate their parents, i get that. but i'm pretty sure my issues went further than most.) even after i grew up and moved out, i couldn't stand her. my friends know how crazy she can be. most of them were scared of her, too, i think. so will i be like that? will my mental illness interfere with my ability to be a good mother all of the time?

i'm so proud of my mom for everything she has done to change. i'm proud of her for continuing to work on it in her own way, even though she can be difficult to be around sometimes. i'm grateful for all of the good things she has taught me. she taught me a lot of good things, mixed in with the bad. i know she did her best now, now that i am a mother, now that i am dealing with some of the same issues she has.

i hope that i can overcome this. i hope that i will be able to find the resources to fix myself. that i will find the strength to do so, and the desire to keep it up even when it's hard. i hope that i can be a better wife and a better mother. i hope that my son will not remember a mother who is depressed all the time. i hope that he will remember the good things i did for him, the way i loved him with everything i had. i hope we can have a positive relationship throughout his entire life, not just when he's an adult.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

an untitled emotion?

from the archives of my private blog--sorry all, my depression is kind of kicking my butt lately and i haven't had a whole ton of great things to talk about.

i've always found this painting fascinating. today i feel like this. not sure if it's because of exhaustion, or stress, boredom, depression...
A Bar at the Folies Bergere, 1881-2
Edouard Manet

this girl is surrounded by happy, talking, laughing people. she is even talking to someone...or he is talking to her. (as seen in the reflection of the mirror behind her.) and yet...if you look at her face...she is far away somewhere. but what is she thinking? it's interesting to me that depending on my own mood she is thinking about something different almost every time i see it. today she is thinking about how much she hates her job, she is tired and misses her baby, and doesn't feel like being social. or maybe she feels alone in a crowded room. isn't it funny how you can feel that way? to be surround by people, even interacting with those people, and still feel completely alone.

human emotions are so complex. i am frequently confused by my own. wouldn't it be amazing to be able to sort through your own emotions, to be able to put specific names with them, understand why you feel that way, where they come from, make them into logic. i think that is a pretty lofty goal. in my experience people can be divided into a few groups fairly easily. people like me, who are emotional about everything but can usually control their actions. people who cannot control their emotions, and therefore let their emotion control their actions, let them rule their lives. people who shut emotion out completely. people who shut emotions out most of the time and other times have outbursts. and then those who can recognize the emotion and choose how to display it, in appropriate ways. (these are few and far between, i believe.) and then those who have one or two emotions the majority of the time. i float between a few of these 'categories' most of the time.

but the real question is...what is the best way to deal with emotion? and how do you get to that point? does suppressing them until you can be alone to let it out really help? crying all of the time doesn't seem to do much in my experience. i cry when i'm happy, sad, mad, hurt, shocked...you get the point. and i can't seem to control it. trying to stop the tears makes me more upset. i mean, last night i was singing primary songs to my son and started to cry. i can't get more than two lines of "i feel my savior's love" out without my voice cracking.

maybe this is why i love art so much. it is a way for me to express emotion without tears. although, and hubby will attest to this, i cannot enter an art museum without crying at least once. mostly i am so in awe of everything that surrounds me. i could stand in front of a single painting for an hour without moving, probably.

i suppose i am overanalyzing things at this point.

am i the only one that does this?

Friday, January 2, 2009

good mooooorning, good moooooooorning!

so 2009 is here. i just started a new year in my life: i turned 23 a few days ago, and the world moved into a new year as well. i hope that this next year will be full of more ups than downs.

i had another rough night last night. no nightmares (thank goodness) but i think our mattress needs to go the way of the dodo bird. my body aches, and my joints ache, and my neck hurts, and my back hurts, and i blame it completely on that piece of crap. oh well, at least i have a mattress, right? i could be sleeping on the floor covered in burlap sacks.

i took down all of our christmas decorations yesterday. it's crazy how much bigger the house feels, and kind of empty, too. but cleaner, which is nice. i also did a speed clean of the house, because i thought my grandma was going to come see it but she didn't. too bad....but at least the house is sorta clean now. today i have laundry and dishes to do. (gross!)

well off i go to clean the house. i hope everyone had a fantastic new year's!