Tuesday, March 30, 2010

if pride and prejudice were on facebook

so my sister posted this on her bloggy blog the other day and i love it. so i'm stealing it. and even our friend eliza stole it for her blog. it's awesome.

"Pride and Prejudice" News Feed

Charles Bingley is checking out real estate in Hertfordshire.

Mrs. Bennet became a fan of single men of good fortune.

Kitty Bennet has a cough.

Mr. Bennet is tired.

Nine of your friends are attending The Meryton Assembly.

Jane Bennet and Charles Bingley are now friends.

Fitzwilliam Darcy is so over this.

Elizabeth Bennet is tolerable, but not tempting.

Mr. Bennet politely requests that, next time, Bingley sprain his ankle after the first dance.

Mrs. Bennet joined the group Insulted Mothers Against Pompous Paramours.

Elizabeth Bennet would streak Meryton before she'd dance with Mr. Darcy.

Jane Bennet is attending A Girls' Luncheon at Netherfield.

Jane Bennet removed "riding horseback in the rain" from her interests.

Elizabeth Bennet is walking to Netherfield.

Fitzwilliam Darcy likes what exercise does to the ladies.

Elizabeth Bennet is tired of social niceties.

Elizabeth Bennet poked Fitzwilliam Darcy.

Fitzwilliam Darcy poked Elizabeth Bennet.

Fitzwilliam Darcy added "feisty girls with crazy families" to his interests.

Caroline Bingley wishes the earth would open up and swallow Longbourn whole.


Mr. Collins is looking to change his relationship status.

Elizabeth Bennet and George Wickham are now friends.

George Wickham is a fan of slander, but he's totally not intimidated.

Fitzwilliam Darcy is attending A Ball at Netherfield.

George Wickham is not attending A Ball at Netherfield.

Elizabeth Bennet would have preferred streaking Meryton.

Jane Bennet tagged six of your friends in the note "How to Go Out in Public Without Humiliating Your Family."

Charles Bingley changed his relationship status to "It's complicated."

Mr. Collins thinks his cousin's modesty adds to her perfections, and is thus by no means discouraged.

Mr. Collins needs a new place to crash.

Caroline Bingley will not be looking back on her way to London.

George Wickham is making excuses.

Charlotte Lucas and Mr. Collins are engaged.

Jane Bennet thinks London might make for a nice change of scenery.

Charlotte Lucas created the event Please Visit Hunsford Before I Strangle My Husband.

Elizabeth Bennet is on her way to the parsonage.

Colonel Fitzwilliam wonders why Darcy is dragging him to Rosings.

Mr. Collins is *thrilled* to be dining at Rosings, bathed in the generosity of her ladyship's spirit.

Lady Catherine de Bourgh must have her share of the conversation!

Fitzwilliam Darcy's heart is arm-wrestling his common sense. And it's winning.

Elizabeth Bennet joined the group Consider Civility in Declarations of Love.

Fitzwilliam Darcy tagged Elizabeth Bennet in his note A Faithful Narrative.

Elizabeth Bennet just is.

Lydia Bennet is following the SOLDIERS to Brighton!!$%@#!

Elizabeth Bennet is touring Derbyshire.

Elizabeth Bennet became a fan of Pemberly.

Fitzwilliam Darcy is hopeful.

Elizabeth Bennet is uncomfortable.

Fitzwilliam Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet are now friends.

Lydia Bennet changed her relationship status to hahahahaha-wheeeeeee!!

Jane Bennet tagged Elizabeth Bennet in her note Come Home!

Fitzwilliam Darcy joined the group Gentlemen Against George Wickham: The Sequel.

Mrs. Bennet is a fan of overwrought weeping in bedchambers.

Lydia Bennet and George Wickham are now married.

Lydia Bennet Wickham removed "keeping secrets" from her interests.

Mrs. Gardiner tagged Elizabeth Bennet in her note He's Not Just Doing This Out of the Goodness of His Heart.

Charles Bingley is headed back to Netherfield.

Mrs. Bennet wants nothing more than for Bingley to shoot her birds.

Elizabeth Bennet wonders why the silent, grave and indifferent bother to show up at all.

Charles Bingley and Fitzwilliam Darcy are attending Dinner at Longbourn.

Mrs. Bennet invites you to hang Kitty.

Jane Bennet and Charles Bingley are engaged.

Elizabeth Bennet removed "meddling aunts" from her interests.

Lady Catherine de Bourgh doesn't understand when people refuse to bow in the face of her awesomeness.

Fitzwilliam Darcy added "meddling aunts" to his interests.

Elizabeth Bennet and Fitzwilliam Darcy walked on without knowing in what direction.

Seven of your friends joined the group "Lizzy and Darcy are Getting Married!"

Mr. Bennet is quite at leisure.

then eliza, being the genius she is, added a few more:

"Jane Bennet fears other peoples remarks."

"Elizabeth Bennet has never seen a house so happily situated before."

"Mary Bennet removed public piano playing on her list of interests."

"Lydia Bennet is sure she would love sea bathing."

"Mary Bennet would prefer a book to Brighton."

"Mary Bennet wants to remind everyone that loss of virtue in a woman is irretrievable."

i'm also going to steal liza's question... :)

What would you put down for your Pride and Prejudice Facebook status?

Sunday, March 28, 2010


the nightmare, by john henry fuseli, 1781

i keep having nightmares again. every night...seems like all night long.

why do i go for so long without one, just to have them over and over again, for weeks in a row?

this painting is really what it's like for me. these little demons, on my chest, making it hard to breathe, getting in my head...white-eyed terrifying horses, pounding and screaming....while i am laying there helpless, vulnerable, and alone inside the nightmare.

i wake up feeling like i haven't slept at all, dark circles under my eyes, headache, anxiety in my chest. poor hubby keeps asking me how he can help...but i don't think he can reach inside my head and pull out the darkness. trust me, i wish he could.

what do you do when you have nightmares? how do you handle it? have you ever had one so real it's hard to separate sleep from reality?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

one wall finished...

little buddy's room...i am so excited about how this is turning out! i just had to share. it's only partially done, it's taken me a lot longer than i thought it would.


i took the kids to the library last week. i love the library. it is a little difficult with the two kids, and i can never spend as much time as i'd like. the stroller is a bit awkward down the narrow aisles, and being "quiet" is pretty much laughable when you have a 5 1/2 month old and a 2 year old. they get impatient and bored after about 10 or 15 minutes. i usually have an idea of exactly what i want to get, go straight to it and get out. last time i went i picked up about four books in the kids section, all alphabet books, for little buddy. he loves his ABCs (and has known them all since he was about 23 months old...what a genius my kid is). i didn't even bother to open them as i knew i wouldn't have time. so we got home and looked through them.

one of the books i picked up was called alphab'art, by anne guery and olivier dussutour. i figured it would be some cool artsy type letters, based on the cover. i was wrong! i opened this book and immediately fell in love. the concept is this: for each letter there is a painting. a painting by a famous artists (and several of my favorites). the letter is hidden somewhere in the painting, and you are supposed to find it. at the end, there are the answers--along with explanations of what the painting is about, a bit of history, and little biographies of the artists. it is a beautiful book.
so as little buddy and i were reading it, and he was telling me the names of the letters, i helped him find them in the paintings. i then told him the names of the artists and he repeated them back to me. i have never heard a cuter pronunciation of "modigliani" before in my life.

so if anyone wants a great idea for a gift for me....this book would be a great one. :) it's for sale on amazon....hahaha!

(for those of you who know me in real life...i have a video of little buddy saying the names of the artists that i will upload to facebook. it's so cute you just have to check it out!)

Monday, March 22, 2010

i want some. now.

my dear friend kaitlyn shared this via google reader...and i am so in love. mondrian cake? yes, please.

p.s. day two of working out accomplished. i feel great.
p.p.s. another reason why today rocks: i can put on (one) pair of my pre-pregger pants...and ZIP THEM UP! and i can get the button done! still too tight to wear...but hey.

i'm a buff mom (or going to be)

wow. it's monday...again...already. i swear that as a kid time seemed to crawl by so slowly, and now as an adult, it flies.

i am happy to say that the celexa really seems to be helping me. i am feeling a lot better and i am very happy about that. i think hubby would probably agree with me. as much as i hate taking meds, there are positive results.

i also have to post about how proud of myself i am. this is something i can rarely say, and really mean it. i took the kids to the library a few days ago. for awhile (um...like five years) i've been saying i'm going to start working out again. well, i decided i'd go look at the workout dvds they had at the library, and i did. and i checked one out. (in case you're wondering, it's the "buff moms: beyond baby body" video.) and i brought it home. that's a step in the right direction. then for two days it sat on my counter. and last night? i actually did it! put the kids to bed, hubby sat on the couch to support me, and i did it. and now my legs are sore. but i am so proud of myself for doing it. the first time...that's a big step for me. i tend to do lots of talking and not much doing when it comes to things like this. so now, i need to stay motivated and keep doing it. i really want to get back my pre-baby body. actually...i really would like to get back my 18-year old body. i know i'll never be the same. two kids does that to you. but i can lose some weight, right? the next step will be adjusting my diet, i think, but i'm definitely not ready for that one. i've got to keep working on the motivation factor. tonight i'll be working out again. (i love feeling sore, always have. makes me feel like i really did something. it's a constant reminder of how i actually did something good for myself!)

i love getting things accomplished. makes me so happy.

you know what else makes me happy? my new couches. all because of my wonderful, hard-working, loving husband. he makes me happiest. but my couches make me happy too. red microfiber. LOVE them.

i'm in a good mood today. i'm going to really enjoy it while i can. maybe tomorrow will be a good day, too.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

the funeral

today was grandma's funeral.

it was a beautiful service. the viewing was last night. she looked so...unnatural. i can't explain it. i think because even at 87 my grandma was always so full of life, so bright and animated, so...lit up. seeing her so still was just...wrong. and i don't think i've ever had that feeling before at a viewing, and i've been to several.

in spite of the fact that it was a funeral, i did enjoy it. it was fun to hear about my grandmother and her life. my dad played the piano, her favorite song: laura's theme from dr. zhivago. my great-aunt and uncle sang. all of her great-grandchildren (including me) sang. her children all spoke (with the exception of my grandmother, who was too sick, my aunt read a poem for her).

i was dreading the viewing, and the funeral. not because it is so sad that my grandmother has passed. but because i knew my uncle would be there. and i did not want to see him, to be anywhere near him. and yet...there is no way in HELL i would have missed being there.

he avoided me, and my husband. even visibly changing his path when he saw us coming his direction. but just being in the same room made me anxious. the thing that made me most upset is the fact that nearly everyone there (except my immediate family, parents and siblings, me and hubby) acted as if nothing had happened. my cousins were all around him, talking to him. it makes me sick. they all know what happened to me and my sister. they all know he's a convicted sex offender. and yet it seems as if they don't care that their small children are around him. it's so....invalidating. like no one cares about what i've been through, what he's put me through, what he's put the family through. i saw him holding his daughter and i ached inside. for her. i hope he hasn't touched her. i hope she will be okay. but who knows? and what on earth was his wife thinking, marrying and having children with a known pedophile? he was convicted while they were dating. apparently she didn't care considering they've got two kids together now.

i'm so glad that i had my hubby there. he is such a huge support to me. he took care of the kids who didn't want to sit still or be quiet so i could sit through the entire funeral services and listen. he ran after little buddy so i could talk to my family, many of whom i rarely see. (only at weddings, funerals, and the rare family reunion.) he was there for me when i needed him, and i felt much stronger being around my uncle because i knew he was there to protect me.

i am glad that is behind me. i am glad i can move forward, instead of living with the anxiety of knowing i have to be around him.

i have been wondering over the past week or so, what my grandma is thinking as she sees us from a different perspective now. i believe she is with my grandpa. and her other family and friends who have passed on. is she proud of me? would she be proud of what she sees? of who i am and what i am doing? i don't know. i know she wouldn't be proud of a lot of what i do. but i also know that she loves me no matter what. i want to make her proud. i want to make hubby proud. i want to make myself proud.

i have a lot of work to do. i just don't know where to begin. another appointment with my therapist tomorrow. we will be starting back into my abuse. i'm nervous. i'm anxious. i don't want to talk about this...but i want to. because i need to. i'm ready to put this behind me, to start fixing, REALLY fixing, my problems...taking care of my anger, growing and maturing emotionally.

wish me luck.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

miss you...

i found out last night my great-grandmother is dying.

today i was told she is unresponsive, her kidneys shut down, and she is not expected to make it through the day.

while i am so sad and upset about this, it is also a blessing. the day before my wedding she was diagnosed with non-hodgkin's lymphoma. she has slowly been deteriorating. last time i saw her was at a bridal shower in november...and she couldn't remember my sisters' names.

her husband, my great-grandfather, passed away in february of 1997....just over thirteen years ago. i could not imagine living thirteen years past the death of my best friend and husband.

hubby and i were talking today about knowing grandparents. his grandparents have all passed but one, and didn't know any great-grandparents. i have been lucky enough to know five of my great-grandparents, one great-great grandmother, and all of my grandparents are still living. i regret that my daughter was unable to meet her great-great grandmother, but so glad that my son was able to--although he will not remember it.

i was the first great-grandchild. i have photos of me as a baby being held by my great-grandparents, as a child helping my great-grandfather blow out the candles on his 80th birthday cake. (they really did put 80 candles on that cake.) photos of my great-grandmother at my wedding. photos of five generations, of my great-grandmother holding my son as an infant. i know she loves me. and i love her. and i will miss her.

i am so glad that i believe what i do about life after death...that i will see her again. that she will be reunited with my great-grandpa, and my great-uncle eddie, her son that she lost so many years ago.

i love you grandma. i will miss you.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

coat of arms illustration

***to read my personal coat of arms, see part one here and part two here

last month i posted my personal coat of arms, and said i was going to do an illustration for it.

i started a draft but never finished it. i will still probably do a drawn illustration eventually...but i've been really busy lately.

i decided to illustrate on polyvore, which i have never done. so many survivor bloggers use polyvore as an art therapy tool. i have to say i rather enjoyed it, although i became frustrated by being unable to import a lot of copyrighted pictures. :)

1. something i am proud of: my art. this is what the palette represents.
2. something i hold dear: my family. silhouettes of my husband with our son, and me with our daughter.
3. child self. this is what the teddy bear represents. (i have written about my teddy bear before.)
4. future goals. the sun. i want to be happy, to shine, like the sun.
5. resilience. this is the daffodil--one of my favorite flowers. in spite of dying every winter, the daffodil reemerges, sometimes in the snow, every spring, just as beautiful as before.
6. hope. the butterfly. beauty and grace, hope from turning into a beautiful butterfly from a drab caterpillar, gaining wings and learning to fly.

my personal motto: i am a passionate, loving, and creative woman who is striving to be a better person in order to enrich the lives of my family, friends, and all with whom i come into contact.

this is who i am.

Monday, March 8, 2010

sisters speak: teaching about sexual abuse

there is a magazine called the exponent II. this magazine is a publication for and by LDS women, started in 1947. there is a blog that goes along with the magazine, the exponent blog. i love reading this blog. here i can relate other women who are not only LDS, but feminist, strong, and intelligent, who do not always agree with every part of LDS doctrine. women who have substance.

there is a section in the exponent II magazine called "sisters speak." this column features a specific question and responses from various sisters. sort of like a "dear abby," if you will. in january a question was posted on the blog regarding abuse. i am going to post the question here, but you can view the article and all comments here.

Our first question comes from Emily. She writes, “For the past couple years, I’ve been wondering how the Church could teach/protect its members from sexual abuse. I’m dying to do a lesson in Primary or Relief Society on the topic, but I’m no professional and feel ill equipped to deal open a can of worms without knowing what to do. It kills me because statistically-speaking, I’m sure there are people under my charge who are dealing with sexual abuse in some way. I’m wondering how other wards deal with this.”

-If you were given the chance to do a lesson on sexual abuse, what points would you especially want to make?

-What issues surrounding this topic should people be sensitive towards?

-Have you had any experience with wards approaching this issue? What are the potential pitfalls of doing so?

i posted a comment on this article, and here is what i said.

When addressing sexual abuse, I think an important thing to talk about, especially to adults, are the signs that sexual abuse has occurred to a child. There are a lot of warning signs, and many children are afraid to go to an adult. This is true even if they have been told to and taught how. Many times the abuse is coming from a “trusted” adult. The child may not understand what is going on, just that the adult is telling them to do something, playing a game, etc., and they are supposed to consent. Quite often if abuse is going to be made known it will be because a perceptive adult notices a change in a child and lovingly talks to the child–without pushing, which can cause even more damage.

I would also discuss ways to support loved ones that have been abused. I know that there are many resources out there discussing this. I believe LDS social services has a link on their website, as well. Talk about how to listen, what to say, what NOT to say, and how to encourage a victim to get help.

Avoid a discussion format. Comments can be made, even if on topic, that can be extremely hurtful to an abuse survivor, no matter the intent. In your approach to a discussion on “forgiveness” it is important to stress that forgiveness is a process that can take many, many years, and is different for each person. Forgiveness may even be something that, while worked on during this life, may not be completed until the next (in my opinion).

I have never given a lesson on sexual abuse in a ward setting, but as a university student I did in front of one of my classes. These are the topics I touched on, because as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself, this is what is important to me. It took eight years before the knowledge of my abuse at the hands of an uncle came out. I wish that my parents had known more about the warning signs I was exhibiting at the time. I am, however, grateful for the way they handled the news, and the way they supported me–much because of the research they did about the best way to help me was, and with help from my therapist.

It is also important to remember that inappropriate comments from an adult can be considered sexual abuse. I would talk about ways to handle that as well as inappropriate touching.

Good luck with this lesson. It is something that needs to be discussed, no matter how difficult it is. My mindset has been that even if it helps just one person, it is worth the stress and discomfort the subject may cause.

i can't tell you how thrilled i was when a few weeks later i received an email from the post author caroline, who would like to use my comment in the magazine! my comment will be published for all readers of the exponent II to see--how exciting. i am so glad that a topic i am so passionate about will be brought to the attention of so many people. teaching others about abuse, how to handle it, how to prevent it, how to recognize it, is so important. i am honored to be able to use my experiences to help others. at least, i hope it will help.

and for curiosity's sake, i would love to know how my readers would answer these questions. many of you are not LDS, but are religious. how would you address this topic in your own church setting? if you aren't religious, how would you address it among a group of your peers? in a school, at a community meeting, etc.? i'm curious to know what aspects of educating others about abuse is most important to you. and if you have not been abused, what would you most like to hear about?

Sunday, March 7, 2010

moving means unpacking.

wow. it's been a long week and a half. we were without internet for a week here in our new apartment, and since then i've been really busy!

moving day was the 25th, last thursday. and...well...it was a long day, as moving days usually are.

the movers were late, which wasn't that big of a deal. what was a big deal? the fact that they couldn't get the truck up the driveway. yeah. the driveway, which is dirt, and steep, and about 100 yards long. and wet and slippery because it had snowed. so the poor movers and hubby got to haul all of our crap down a slippery driveway in the snow to put in the truck. hubby was stressed beyond belief because he was worried it was going to cost us way more than we had budgeted, due to the stupid driveway. after all was said and done, we were actually under budget, yay! 5 1/2 hours though. sheesh.

i am really liking our apartment. it's so quiet here. i haven't heard our neighbors at all. the kids have their own rooms, and i've started painting a cute border on little buddy's wall. (i will post pics when it is done, i'm so excited for it!) i also started teaching piano lessons last week. things are going pretty well here. i finished unpacking yesterday, which is nice, and everything is put in its place. until we empty our storage unit, which shouldn't be as big of a deal because most of it is staying in boxes.

my depression has been rearing its ugly head again, though. i am now going back onto my celexa, which i haven't been taking because i've been nursing. i can still nurse on it though, which is good. hopefully it will help.

also since moving day, princess has learned to roll over from back to front. she rolls all over the place now. she has also cut her first two teeth, her bottom front ones. she is learning to fall asleep on her own in the crib (which means lots of crying) and is doing better. last night only 20 minutes of screaming! yeah! nap times have not been successful, and for some reason i can't deal with the crying during the day the way i can at night. so the swing is becoming a crutch. i will start with naps more consistently once she gets falling asleep at night down without a problem. (if anyone has any suggestions, i'm definitely open to them.) little buddy is adjusting to nap times, too, and staying in his bed...and not playing with the toys, which are now in his room instead of the living room. (so nice to not be falling over toys in the front room!)

now on to find a job. i haven't gotten enough piano students to cover our extra bills now that we're in our new place so i need something part time. keep your fingers crossed for me!