happy thanksgiving

i hope you all have a great thanksgiving full of lots of laughter, love, and yummy food!

this year i am so incredibly grateful for my family--my supportive husband and beautiful children. i would be nothing without them.

i am grateful for a home to live in, food to eat, a car to drive, clothing to wear, heat, indoor plumbing, electricity and all of the little things that i usually take for granted.

i am thankful for my friends.

i am thankful for medical care, therapy and medication that is slowly putting my life back in order.

i am thankful for pretty flowers, christmas lights, good smelling candles, fires in our fireplace, the sound of laughter and my piano. i am thankful for the ability to see, hear, taste, touch and feel. i am thankful for the sunlight, good books to read and the many wonders of my iphone. i am thankful for HD TV, cable, the radio, and the library.

most of all, i am thankful for my hubby's hard work, integrity and love for me and our children. i am thankful for the smiles, kisses, and "i love you"s that i get from my babies.

The One of My Heart

There are so many people in the world, dear,
but there's no other one that will do.
You are the one of my heart, dear,
and I am the one who loves you.
I have so many stories to tell you.
I know wonderful places to see.
And because we can see them together,
they'll be nicer for you and for me.
Let's race in the sun and be happy.
Let's splash in the stream and drip dry.
Let's roll down a hill and be silly.
Let's lie and watch clouds drifting by.
Let's sit nose to nose and share secrets.
Let's wish on a star, eyes shut tight.
Let's whisper our dreams in the darkness.
Let's snuggle together at night.
If you need me, I'll be there beside you.
If you're lonely, I'll hug you awhile.
If you're lost, I will be there to guide you.
If you're sad, I won't quit till you smile.
Hand in hand, we will greet every morning.
Hand in hand, we will meet every day.
You are the one of my heart, dear,
and nothing can take that away.
No matter how much you may change, dear,
or whether we're near or apart,
I will love you forever and ever,
for YOU are the one of my heart.

I love you, Hubby...YOU are the one of my heart.
Thank you for all of the extra love and support you have given me, for a strong shoulder to cry on, for big hugs and kisses, for patience and understanding........especially over the last month. I wouldn't be here without you. Thank you.

(poem from Bear of My Heart by Joanne Ryder....has been slightly modified)

i will never forget

yesterday hubby and i were talking about how we couldn't believe it is the eighth anniversary of september 11. it does not seem like it's been that long, and yet i think about how my life has changed in the past eight years and it seems forever ago.

i was fifteen years old in september of 2001. for some reason, school had a late start that day. i was in my bedroom listening to a cd and getting ready to leave when my dad came downstairs. he told me that i needed to go upstairs right away, there was something i needed to see. at first i thought i was in trouble. until i walked upstairs and watched the news in my parents' bedroom.

i was shocked, and didn't really know how to react. as i watched the news the second tower was hit. a few minutes later i was walking out my front door on my way to school.

the whole day was spent watching the news. every class i went to the tv was on, we all sat watching the footage being played over and over again. i learned of the attack on the pentagon and also of flight 93. i was horrified. i was appalled. i was scared and unsure of what the future held for our country, for me, for my family. but i did not cry that day.

looking back it is blantantly obvious to me that i did not fully understand the implications of that day. as an adult i am much more affected by it. i've probably teared up at least five or six times already today.

i will never forget the nearly 3,000 people who lost their lives that day. i will never forget the courage of the first responders, who were running in to the towers as everyone else was running out. i will never forget the way our nation was united in the days following. i will never forget the sacrifices made. this picture was taken last year at a local healing field. (there are many across the country. look here to see where....if there is one near you i would definitely recommend going.) hubby and i go every year. along with the flags for every life lost on september 11 are flags for every soldier from our state who has lost their life since in the war on terror. every year i cry, i pray, and i thank god for my country and the opportunity i have to live here with my family.

last year i witnessed one of the most beautiful things i have seen in my life. there was a woman with a bouquet of flowers, kneeling at the base of a flag....crying and praying for her soldier. attached to the flag was a yellow ribbon and a card with the soldier's name, rank, area of service, and the date he died. i cannot even imagine what she must have been thinking and feeling. it is an image that will never leave my mind. her soldier gave the ultimate sacrifice for our country, for our way of life, for our safety and freedom.

from the national september 11 monument at ground zero:

"May the lives remembered, the deeds recognized, and the spirit reawakened be eternal beacons, which reaffirm respect for life, strengthen our resolve to preserve freedom, and inspire an end to hatred, ignorance and intolerance."

and may we all remember to be grateful for our lives, our families, our country, and all of the freedoms which we take for granted every day.

god bless america, and god bless our american heroes.

still stumped on post titles

today i have an appointment with my doctor. i am 11 weeks today. in some ways i feel this pregnancy is dragging on and on, and then when i think about the fact that it's already march 9 and i am nearly in my second trimester i can't believe how fast time flies. with little buddy, my pregnancy was the longest nine months of my life. but this time, i think because i already have one child to take care of, it is going by a little faster.

i am so grateful that i have such a loving and supportive husband. i know that this has been so hard on him. i have been so sick that he has had to take on a lot around the house. in addition to doing more for the baby, plus working 40 hours a week, taking care of me, and sometimes coming home from work early because i just can't take care of little buddy the way he needs. he has been awesome and i couldn't do anything without him. i can't imagine being married to someone who wouldn't help out or would complain about it all the time.

my in-laws and my family have helped, too. my mother in law has come over to help with little buddy and saturday my little brother and sister took turns helping me. i'm so glad that they are close enough to help, and willing to do so. my sister even told me i should call her more. i guess it helps that my son is the most adorable baby in the world and they all love him like crazy.

i really need to get back to work. i know that they are hurting without me there, and we sure need the money. i have been so sick....i just need to figure out a way to get back as soon as i can. luckily i seem to do a little better in the afternoons, when i would be working. mornings are bad and nights are terrible. somehow it will work out. hopefully sooner rather than later.

i am so jealous of all those women who have pregnancies that are easy. even those who are nauseated all the time but still able to handle daily life. if it weren't for these stupid headaches, and the vertigo, and the risk of syncope, i'd be able to deal with the nausea and throwing up without it totally interfering with my life. some women never even have the nausea. i guess it's useless to wish and to be jealous, it won't change anything and really makes me feel worse. i am grateful that i am able to have children. i have so many friends who aren't, or who have had difficulty doing so, and i know how hard it is for them. when i think about that i just feel so guilty for complaining. being a mother is the best thing in the world and i wouldn't give it up for anything.

happy birthday hubby

this is for my husband, who turns 26 today. i wish you a very happy birthday, honey. i just want you to know that i love you and admire you, and even if things aren't perfect you make them better than they are. i know i've shared this with you before, but i want you to re-read it and remember them, because even when i'm crazy i still feel this way.

as for everyone else, you can read them and be jealous!

75 reasons why i love my hubby:
1. he remembers little things, like how i like forks better than spoons.
2. he talks to me via email while i'm at work.
3. he can be very romantic and spontaneous, and i love that.
4. he has such an incredible work ethic! he works so hard for our family, even though it is not easy.
5. i can trust him completely, with anything.
6. i know that he loves me unconditionally.
7. he is such an incredible father! he loves our baby so much.
8. he is fiercely loyal--which is one of the reasons i fell in love with him.
9. he has the sexiest butt! :) it's nice and tight and i love it.
10. i love the way he laughs when he things something is really funny!
11. he tells me i'm a good mommy a lot.
12. he helps me out with things around the house when i ask him to.
13. he's a really good cook.
14. he likes to sleep in with me
15. he brings me cokes randomly because he knows i love them
16. he supports me in my work
17. he is so intelligent and learns things quickly.
18. i know he would do anything to protect me and our baby.
19. he gives the best hugs and kisses :)
20. he always wants to fix things when they go badly. no matter how badly.
21. he has a very black and white sense of what's wrong and what isn't.
22. he wants everything to be good, and right, and people to be respectful
23. he is respectful of other people's rights.
24. he is strong physically and mentally--i know i can lean on him, which i do, a LOT.
25. he is always worried about my health and well-being.
26. he is so good about taking care of our finances, he's never been late on any payments.
27. he always does what he says he will do.
28. he is so responsible!
29. he tells me he loves me a million times a day.
30. he is committed to our marriage and to making things work.
31. he has the bluest, most incredible eyes i've ever seen.
32. i know that if there is an emergency he can stay calm and take care of it.
33. i don't have to worry about leaving the baby with him--he does such a good job of taking care of him!
34. he knows so much about medical things, i love that he carries a huge first aid kit in his car.
35. he'll eat just about anything :)
36. i love it when he calls me "pretty eyes"
37. he always asks what he can do for me, and how he can help me.
38. he knows how to make me smile and laugh when i'm mad at him. it's so hard to stay upset when he does that!
39. he watches trashy reality tv with me.
40. he rubs my back when i ask him to and does a great job
41. he always checks the mileage every time he gets gas
42. he shreds his receipts. endearing even if it is messy.
43. he encourages me to do things i love, like scrapbooking, playing the piano, etc.
44. he understands that my family is important to me.
45. he helps me to relax because i stress out a lot over stupid things.
46. he likes to cuddle with me when we're watching tv
47. he has accomplished so much in his life! he has so many certifications and has experienced so many things.
48. i am so impressed with everything he knows. i can't believe how intelligent he is.
49. i fall more in love with him every day, no matter what.
50. i know that i couldn't live without him, he makes my life complete.
51. i am happier with him than i have ever been.
52. he is a stickler about time, and we are never late to anything.
53. he always stays on top of current events, constantly checking the news websites and watching it on tv.
54. he says what he thinks no matter what. i never have to wonder what he's thinking.
55. he is very opinionated and stubborn, just like me! makes things interesting.
56. i feel special knowing he dated sooooo many girls, and could have had just about anyone he wanted, and he picked me.
57. he gets jealous when i think an actor or a singer is cute
58. even though he hates pictures he lets me take them of him because he knows how important they are
59. he is the most handsome and attractive man in the world ;)
60. he is there for me no matter what, no matter what happens or what i do.
61. he always does things the best that he can.
62. he is willing to do things he doesn't want to do when he knows how important it is to me.
63. he wants me to be happy and does what he can to make me happy.
64. he goes to the mall and wanders around with me even though he gets bored.
65. he likes to go places like the zoo and the aquarium with me
66. when he eats crab he gets butter ALL OVER the place! and when he eats ribs he gets BBQ sauce all over too!
67. he uses paper to floss after he eats.
68. he has a really good singing voice even though he doesn't think so. i loved to hear him sing hymns in church (since that's really the only time he sings)
69. he surprises me with things like concert tickets and flowers every once in awhile
70. he teaches me things about life, and football, and everything he knows.
71. he makes extra effort to get along with people at work, even though i know it's hard for him because they can be obnoxious.
72. he would do anything to help out a friend in need.
73. he apologizes when he realizes he's wrong.
74. he always makes sure to give me a kiss goodnight and before he leaves (even if i'm asleep!)
75. he is the best husband i could ask for, and i am so blessed and so proud that he is mine.

i love you honey...i hope you know that. i want you to know that no matter what happens in our lives or with each other that i love you and that i want to be with you forever. i am so proud of you, for everything you do. i appreciate all of your hard work. you are the best!

happy birthday!

finding joy

today i feel very blessed.

i am watching my beautiful baby play with a book. he is such a good boy--so well-behaved, and sweet, and such a happy, laid back baby. he is fun to watch and his smile makes my whole world better. he is strong, and healthy, and looks just like his handsome daddy.

i am so blessed to have such a hard-working, supportive, loving husband. i can't believe he is still here by my side after everything i have put him through. i have a lot of unresolved issues, as you all know, and the effects of those have been devastating to our relationship, to his feelings, and to me. but he is still here, still asking me what he can do to help me, and still loving me. he took the day off today to be with us and i am so glad!

i am amazed at how many gifts we have under our tree. we didn't think we would have much of a christmas because money is tight here (like everywhere else). but then some things worked out for us--i got a christmas bonus--hubby worked overtime--and we figured out how to get some gifts for each other. and some fun gifts for little buddy! (even a bone for the dog!)

i am so blessed to have such a beautiful home. i love this little house. i wish we could pick it up and transplant it elsewhere. but i am grateful that we have a house that we can pay the mortgage for. i'm glad we aren't one of the millions of people going through foreclosure. we have heat, we have power, we have running water, we have a roof over our heads to protect us from the freezing weather outside.

i am also grateful for my extended family. my grandparents, who are on a fixed income, sent us a check for $120 last week. i nearly cried. i am so lucky to have family who loves me so much. for my parents and my siblings. even though they can be crazy, i still love them. and i know they love me. they may go about doing things differently than i would, but i know they have the best of intentions and want nothing more than for me to be happy. same for my in-laws. i love them, too, and in some ways get along with them better than my own family. the crazy is there, too, but they still love us. and i know they love me. i have been surprised at how they have treated me like their own child.

i'm grateful for my dog. sometimes she is stupid. sometimes she gets in trouble. she is sick a lot, which is frustrating. she is almost always in the way, right under your feet. but she is a sweet dog, and she would do anything to protect us. she is so good with the baby. she gets so worried when he cries, and runs to him when he gets hurt. for the most part she obeys us, even though she hasn't had any kind of training.

i also have the best cat in the world. she loves to cuddle, she talks to me, she's good with the baby too (as in she runs away from him instead of swiping at him) and she is just so fun.

i'm grateful for my cell phone, for the internet, for this laptop i use every single day, for the tv, for the ability to learn, and grow, and change. i'm grateful for warm blankets and fuzzy socks. i'm grateful for hot water, bubble baths, and blow dryers. i'm grateful for food to eat and the ability to cook a decent meal. i'm grateful for my talents--art, music, writing. i'm grateful for beauty in the world. i'm grateful for good friends that stick by me through everything. some of whom have been there for me through my insanity since the second grade. i'm grateful for the childlike joy i get when a christmas card comes, looking at christmas lights, our christmas tree, and the pretty little nativity scene we have.

i'm grateful for the knowledge that i have of Jesus Christ and his atonement. not so much for repentance--although i'm grateful for that, too--but for the fact that he knows my pain. he knows my struggles. he knows exactly how i feel, and what i am going through. he has borne my cross, my cross of depression, of the pain of abuse, of the self-hatred and of the self-doubt. i know that i am not alone, even when i feel so alone and cut off from every other human being on the planet.

i'm grateful for christmas, for the constant reminders of Christ we get at this time of year, for the opportunities to serve others.

oh, joy to the world!

god bless my boss, for handing out christmas bonuses today.

annoyance: people who have very loud personal conversations in public (especially when it's quiet, like standing in line at the courthouse to file documents)

exhaustion: not sleeping in a week

beauty: listening to "bella's lullaby" that i just downloaded. i love classical piano.

regret: words and actions toward a loved one that can't be taken back

joy: watching my baby smile

sorrow: being unable to change

excitement: i can't wait to see my baby on his first christmas morning!

longing: to finish school

frustration: feeling like i'm not being listened to or heard

boredom: the only thing on tv saturday mornings are japanese animation cartoons

apprehension: for the future

loneliness: missing my friend

confidence: trying to find it!

anger: i can't figure out what the name of that song is that i love!

happiness: looking at my beautiful christmas tree

surprise: there is no downloadable ringtone (free one, anyway) for love story

fear: i will mess up my son

curiosity: i wonder what my baby will grow up to be

satisfaction: i found that song! "leave out all the rest" by linkin park. i love that song. i love linkin park.

unwind: by listening to really loud music in the car and singing at the top of my lungs.

love: my family

gratitude: for all of the second chances i've been given

what i'm going to do next: turn off all the lights. put on "clair de lune" and lay down. try to relax and push the depression out of my head.

it truly is a wonderful life...

"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? "

hubby and i watched this movie this week. one of my all-time favorites. i've been watching it every christmas since i was an infant. and, like every year before, i cried in the end. what a beautiful reminder to all of us. if you haven't seen it (and even if you have!) go watch "it's a wonderful life." because it really is. even if you have a job you hate, you struggle financially, you have a hard time with business relationships, you have a sick child, you are jealous of those who may be better off than you, you live in a drafty house with a banister that comes off all the time, you've lost a loved one. there is so much to be thankful for, so much to love. so much joy around you.

"Remember, no man is a failure who has friends."

thank you for being my friend!

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and a few more fun quotes from the movie!

Zuzu: Look, Daddy! Teacher says, every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.

George: That's right! That's right! Atta boy, Clarence!

George: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary.
Mary: I'll take it. Then what?
George: Well, then you could swallow it, and it'd all dissolve, see? And the moonbeams'd shoot out of your fingers and your toes, and the ends of your hair... Am I talking too much?
Old Man: Yes! Why don't you kiss her instead of talking her to death?
George: How's that?
Old Man: Why don't you kiss her instead of talking her to death?
George: Want me to kiss her, huh?
Old Man: Ah, youth is wasted on the wrong people!

Young Mary: George Bailey, I'll love you til the day I die!

George: I wish i had a million dollars! Hot dog!

Sam Wainwright: Hee Haw!

George: Look, who are you?
Clarence: I told you, George. I'm your guardian angel.
George: Yeah, yeah, I know. You told me that. What else are you? What...are you a hypnotist?
Clarence: No, of course not.
George: Well, then, why am I seeing all these strange things?
Clarence: Don't you understand, George? It's because you were not born.
George: Then if I wasn't born, who am I?
Clarence: You're nobody. You have no identity.
George: What do you mean, no identity? My name's George Bailey.
Clarence: There is no George Bailey. You have no papers, no cards, no driver's license, no 4-F card, no insurance policy...They're not there, either.
George: What?
Clarence: Zuzu's petals. You've been given a great gift, George. A chance to see what the world would be like without you.

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so what's your favorite part/quote from this movie?

have a blonde thanksgiving

a happy thanksgiving to everyone!

i am so looking forward to all of the wonderful food tomorrow, and more importantly the time with my family.

i am so grateful for my hubby, and my little buddy. i'm grateful for my parents and siblings, and in-laws, and extended family. we are so blessed to have so many people that love us.

i am also grateful for blonde jokes. so i would like to share one.

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went. "Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter. "Did it not taste good?" her mother asked. "I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

do you share my love for blonde jokes? what are some of your favorites?