bucket list progress

awhile ago i posted some bucket list items here and here.

well....a few of those things have been checked off my list.  hard to believe, but it's true.


1.  get married in the Salt Lake City temple

August 25, 2006.  i married my best friend.

2.  become a mother

my sweet princess...the second time i became a mother.  

18 weeks in utero...2009.
i have the two most amazing children i could ask for.

3.  confront and forgive my abuser

4.  dye my hair black

october 2010.  i kind of miss it.  it made me feel exotic.  

5.  play Frank Lloyd Wright's piano 

may 2004.  i played "polonaise in G minor" by chopin.

6.  own red high heels

bought my first pair this month...february 2013.  i LOVE them.

7.  have my own gallery show.  even if it means building my own gallery in my backyard out of refrigerator boxes and inviting the neighbors.

8.  visit europe...paris, london, venice, florence, prague, rome.  at least.

9.  see a rothko, pollock, and klimt in person.

the first time i saw a rothko painting, on my birthday...december 30, 2012.  

i cried, it was so beautiful and i couldn't believe i was finally seeing one.

the first pollock i saw...happened to be the same day i saw an original rothko!  

it was amazing.

10.  feel beautiful.

11.  be able to sit for five minutes and feel nothing but peace...no worry, anxiety, depression.  just peace.

12.  watch my children grow up to be happy people.

13.  finish an associate's degree.  finish a bachelor's degree, maybe a graduate degree.  in art.  

graduated with an associate's of science with honors, may 2012 

14.  feel like a real artist...not an amateur pretending to be a real artist.

15.  have a room in my house that i can hang art prints all over, so when i'm depressed, i can walk into that room and be surrounded by joy.

16.  find out the secret to being happy.

17.  go to the smithsonian, moma, louvre, musee d'orsay and any other art museum i can get myself to.

18.  see a broadway play on broadway.

19.  fly.....

20.  watch a sunset that takes my breath away from beginning to end.

21.  write a book.

22.  learn to play clair de lune.  if not perfectly, then at least accurately.

23.  take more piano lessons.  get better at playing.  find time to practice.

24.  learn to make those around me happy.  with no reservations.

25.  speak another language passably.

26.  purchase an original work of art that i love.  buy a couch to match the art.  inform couch salesman that it is ridiculous to buy art to match a couch.  it should be done the other way around.

27.  paint something i am truly happy with, that i can look at without second guessing or critiquing.

this one is pretty close....january 2013.

28.  own a four-poster canopy bed.

29.  dress up in a regency ball gown.

30.  be a good person, wife, mother, daughter and friend.

31.  sleep under the stars on a clear night; learn to identify a few constellations.

32.  finish my kids' scrapbooks

33.  play roller derby

34.  mail something in to post secret

35.  put blue highlights in my hair

36.  own as many animals as i can--including a giant fishtank

37.  have another baby.  before i'm 30.

38.  inspire someone to do something great.

39.  figure out what i really believe about life and religion, without worrying about what anyone else thinks.  (this one is a work in progress.)

40.  hire a maid to clean my house top to bottom while i sit on the couch and read a magazine and drink an ice cold coke.  pretend i'm a millionaire.

41.  find new friends and be comfortable in our new home--we are moving cross-country in two months.  acclimate to a totally different region and culture of the US, and support my hubby in graduate school the way he needs and deserves. (this one is also a work in progress.)

I Have A Question: Forgiveness and Contact with Your Abuser

originally posted at modern molly mormon

The following article hits home with me, as my abuser is a member of my family: my uncle. Many abusers are family members, close ones: brothers, fathers, mothers, grandfathers. It can be extremely difficult to heal and figure out if interacting with your abuser will cause more problems. It is possible to forgive and choose to stay away from your abuser completely. Sometimes that is the best way to protect yourself emotionally. Some people are able to be around their abuser. I have chosen to stay away from mine completely, at least for now. There is nothing wrong with this. I can still work toward forgiving him without being around him.

Question: Am I in error to avoid all contact with a family member who has seriously wronged me and continues to emotionally abuse me? I harbor no bitterness toward this person, yet my spouse wonders if I am nevertheless being unforgiving.

By Maxine Murdock, “I Have a Question,” Ensign, June 1994, 60–61 Maxine Murdock, retired member of the Brigham Young University Psychology Department.

Emotional abuse and mistreatment that occur over an extended period of time can be devastating. Those so wronged have the right and responsibility to protect themselves.

If a perpetrator is not a family member, avoiding all contact might be easy. But terminating contact with an abusive family member is difficult, particularly for Latter-day Saints, because of the emphasis we place on the importance of family ties. Nevertheless, victims of abuse must protect themselves from family members and others who freely choose to mistreat them.

Avoiding contact, for a while at least, may sometimes be the only way to achieve that end. When the time is right and if a perpetrator has repented and abandoned abusive behavior, minimal contact might be initiated, perhaps through cards or letters on holidays. Later, a phone call might be appropriate. It may help to make such contact impersonal at first. When renewing personal visits, those who have been wronged should consider doing so in group situations that provide a safe atmosphere and an opportunity to gauge the offender’s behavior and reaction toward renewed contact.

Visits should be brief at first. One of the best ways to determine how, when, and whether to proceed is to appeal for heavenly help through prayer. Those who have been abused, not their well-meaning friends or relatives, must determine when to reinitiate contact.

The ability to discard bitterness is a big step toward reconciliation and forgiveness. Many individuals who have been abused express frustration over their inability to grant forgiveness. The offended often receive great pressure from others to forgive their offender. They are told, “You can’t heal until you forgive.”

Forgiveness is a personal and often lengthy process. Condemning those who have difficulty forgiving places an additional burden on them. Sometimes, under pressure, they will say, “Yes, I forgive,” while deep inside, the hurt not only remains but is compounded by guilt because they do not really believe their own words. On the other hand, those who have been abused should remember that forgiveness is a gospel principle that eventually brings peace of mind. Forgiveness is not only possible but is an essential part of healing, though in some cases it may take years to forgive. “You cannot erase what has been done, but you can forgive,” said Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve. “Forgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds, for it allows the love of God to purge your heart and mind of the poison of hate. It cleanses your consciousness of the desire for revenge. It makes place for the purifying, healing, restoring love of the Lord” (Ensign, May 1992, p. 33).

The Savior said, “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven” (Matt. 5:44–45). Although we do not have the same degree of knowledge that the Lord has, we do have his counsel. While he will forgive whom he will forgive, it is required of us, no matter how arduous the task, “to forgive all men” (D&C 64:10).

Small offenses may be fairly easy to forgive—especially those resulting from accidents, carelessness, or insensitivity. But offenses that are long lasting or that cause deep wounds to the soul are much more difficult to forgive, particularly when an offender does not care, feel sorry, apologize, or even recognize the offense.

Elder Scott further taught, “Forgiveness … can be hard to understand, even more difficult to give. Begin by withholding judgment. … Leave the handling of aggressors to others. As you experience an easing of your own pain, full forgiveness will come more easily” (Ensign, May 1992, pp. 32–33).

True forgiveness often develops slowly, a little at a time, perhaps even unconsciously at first. No one can predict how long it should take to forgive. As friends, family, priesthood leaders, or professional helpers, we must be patient with those seeking to forgive. Few of us can see or feel the invisible wounds they have suffered.

Forgiveness does not require acceptance of abuse or acceptance of an abusive person. But when hurt has healed, when victims have realized that the abuse is not something they caused or deserved, when they have tried sincerely to understand the offender, and when they have prayed for charity and spiritual guidance, then peace of mind and true forgiveness will come.

Forgiveness Can Heal

originally posted at modern molly mormon

Forgiving instead of nurturing retribution will help heal the conflicts that fracture our society.

Just as important, when we forgive, our own wounds begin to heal. As we faithfully surrender to the Savior the pain caused us by others, the power of the Atonement heals our wounded hearts, lifts our burdens of sorrow, and brings peace to our families, to our neighborhoods, and to our own souls.
The Apostle Paul reminds us, "Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." (Eph 4:32)

The judgment and forgiving are the Savior's perogative, for only he can forgive and wash away our sins. He reminds us, "This is my church. It is my name through which they will be saved. It is through my sacrifice. It is I who will judge." (See Mosiah 26:10-24)

How often do we forget who has the right to judge? Forgiveness of sin depends on Him, not on us.

The Savior Requires Us to Forgive

originally posted at modern molly mormon

Am I required to forgive my abuser even if they have not repented?

It is sometimes hard to forgive others, especially when we have been deeply hurt. We may replay an offender's sin against us long after the person has repented -- and even after God remembers the sin no more (see D&C 58:42).

This is especially true when the hurt and needed repentance is between family members. But harboring hurts from others can canker our souls. It prevents us from experiencing the full blessings of the Atonement. Indeed, when we fail to forgive, we bear the grater sin (see D&C 64:9-10).

President Gordon B. Hinckley has said, "There is a mighty power of healing in Christ, and...if we are to be his true servants, we must not only exercise that healing power in behalf of others, but, perhaps more important, inwardly." It takes true faith in Jesus Christ to submit offenses against us to the power of his atonement.

The Savior requires us to forgive. We cannot fully heal if we do not put the hurt and bitterness behind us. The Lord understands how difficult this can be, especially with something like abuse. Even if our abuser does not recognize his or her sins against us, we are still required to forgive them. The Lord will justly deal with them. For us, we are required to be like the Savior, and forgive.

A Mighty Power of Healing

originally posted at modern molly mormon

How can praying for those who have wronged us bring peace?

"[Cast] all your care upon him; for he careth for you." (1 Peter 5:7).

During his final days, the Savior's chief Apostle denied even knowing Him. The Savior could have condemned Peter, but he did not (see Luke 22:55-62). And Peter responded with deeper faith and commitment, eventually presiding over the Lord's church.

Jesus Christ could also have condemned the Romans' cruel crucifixion. But, as he hung on the cross, even in his agony, Jesus forgave those who crucified him, asking his Father, "Forgive them; for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).

From "A Mighty Power of Healing," Liahona, May 1996.

If Jesus Christ will forgive Peter for denying him, he will forgive us for our mistakes. We are asked to forgive others for their mistakes, as well. We can become better people, more like the Savior, if we choose to forgive those who have wronged us, no matter how difficult it may be. If we pray to Heavenly Father for them, the way Christ did, we can show our willingness to forgive to the Lord. We will be casting our cares upon Him, and He will bless us.

Let Bitterness Be Put Away From You

originally posted at modern molly mormon

How do I put away feelings that I didn't ask for in the first place, emotions that I feel so strongly?

The scriptures suggest that bitterness is not something just to be tolerated but something to be given up. Paul counseled, "Let all bitterness...be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." (Eph. 4:31-32.)

We must reconsider our view of where bad feelings come from. Bitterness, and feelings like it, cannot develop into a lasting attitude unless we cultivate these feelings. In clinging to bitterness, we blind ourselves to the fact that we are doing just that.

When we harden our hearts, gospel counsel looks unrealistic or impossible. But when we soften our hearts, amazingly, we begin to ask different questions of ourselves and allow the Lord to comfort us in our search of peace. A scriptural example of this is the account of Enoch's vision. When Enoch was shown the fate of those in the Flood, "he had bitterness of soul, and wept over his brethren, and said unto the heavens: I will refuse to be comforted." (Moses 7:44).

Even Enoch had to learn that to refuse to be comforted is to consciously spurn the comfort of God. "The Lord said unto Enoch: Lift up your heart, and be glad; and look." (Moses 7:44). Enoch's refusal to be comforted and his bitterness of soul went hand in hand. Yet the Lord did not abandon him, but continues the vision, showing Enoch that the descendants of Noah would all be given the possibility of sanctification and eternal life.

If the Atonement is applicable to Enoch, who repented of his "bitterness of soul," then persons suffering bitterness about abuse, about divorce, about any negative experience can similarly repent and similarly receive comfort. But we must first accept the idea that we are agents, capable of acting rather than simply being acted upon. We gain greater understanding by asking ourselves the following questions:

Have I refused to be comforted by the Lord?
In prayer have I truly sought meekness and lowliness of heart in order to be comforted by the Lord?
Am I willing to cast my burden on the Savior so that I can get on with life and be at peace?

Excerpts taken from 'Freedom From Bitterness' in the 1991 Ensign, by Terrence Olsen

Forgiveness Often Does More For the Forgiver

originally published at modern molly mormon

Is it required of me to truly forgive someone who has altered my life so drastically?

In the January 1974 Ensign, Elder Marion D. Hanks said the following.

"What is our response when we are offended misunderstood, unfairly or unkindly treated, or sinned against, made an offender for a word, falsely accused, passed over, hurt by those we love, our offerings rejected? Do we resent, become bitter, and hold a grudge? Or do we resolve the problem if we can, forgive and rid ourselves of the burden?"

"The nature of our response to such situation smay well determine the nature and quality of our lives, here and eternally."

Forgiveness can be one of the hardest steps that we have to take as victims of abuse. It is often a long process, which requires a lot of prayer and fasting. Often it seems unfair that the Lord would require us to forgive when we have been wronged. However, if we will remember everything our Father in HEaven requires of us is for our own good, we will begin to understand that forgiveness is really for us, the wounded ones.

Boyd K. Packer said it like this.

"This is my counsel to you. If you have festering sores, a grudge, some bitterness, disappointment, or jealousy, get hold of yourself. You may not be able to control things out there with others but you can control things here, inside of you. It will then be as though a cloudy, dirty film has been erased from the world around you' and though the problem may remain, the sun will come out. The beam will have been lifted from your eyes. There will come a peace that surpasseth understanding." (Ensign, November 1977)

And H. Burke Peterson summed it all up very well when he counseled,
"Forgiveness of others for wrongs, imaginary or real, often does more for the forgiver than for the forgiven." (Ensign, November 1983)

Forgiveness is something I am still working on. I still harbor some very negative feelings toward my abuser. However, I know the importance of forgiveness. And although it may take many more years, I will continue to work toward being able to truly forgive him for what he has done to me.