having faith

thursday there was a post up at mormon mommy blogs called faith versus fear. it was a fantastic post and i highly recommend it. there was a quote from jeffrey r. holland that really stuck out to me, though, and i'd like to share it:

"First, we must never let fear and the father of fear (Satan himself) divert us from our faith and faithful living. Every person in every era has had to walk by faith into what has always been some uncertainty. This is the plan. Just be faithful. God is in charge. He knows your name and He knows your need.

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ—that is the first principle of the gospel. We must go forward. God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future—to love it, rejoice in it, and delight in your opportunities."

someday i want to have faith like this again.

Easter spells out beauty, the rare beauty of new life. (S.D. Gordon)

happy easter, everyone!

in lieu of posting a picture of the resurrection we have all seen a hundred times (not that they aren't beautiful or meaningful) i chose instead to post this painting--"doubting thomas" by caravaggio. i love this painting. (see John 20:24-29.) thomas was an apostle who refused to believe without direct, physical evidence that it was, in fact, Christ as a resurrected being.

"...blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed." (John 20:29)

i have not seen--not with my physical eyes--and yet i believe. many would put me down for this. tell me that i am a fool. but in my heart i believe, i feel it, and i am so thankful for my testimony of Christ and His resurrection.

"There is not room for Death,
Nor atom that his might could render void:
Thou - Thou art Being and Breath,
And what Thou art may never be destroyed."
~Emily Bronte

my Savior gave His life for me. for me, and for you. for my children. for my family. for people on the other side of the world that i will never know--past and present, and future. easter is so much more than a celebration of Christ's resurrection--but one of our own resurrection, as well. philip brooks puts it beautifully: "Let every man and woman count himself immortal. Let him catch the revelation of Jesus in his resurrection. Let him say not merely, 'Christ is risen,' but 'I shall rise.' "

let's all remember as we are stuffing ourselves with reese's eggs, chocolate bunnies, and jelly beans, that the beauty of easter is sacrifice and joy, a new beginning, the sprouting flowers amidst the frozen snow.

"The resurrection gives my life meaning and direction and the opportunity to start over no matter what my circumstances." ~Robert Flatt

and with the joy of easter---comes the joy of chocolate.

i hope you all have a fantastic day, hopefully spent with your friends and family.

happy easter!

tomorrow is easter.

i know that for a lot of survivors of child abuse, holidays can be really bad. full of triggers, and hard to deal with.

i am so lucky in the fact that i don't have that. i don't really remember any abuse taking place on a holiday, although i guarantee that most of those holidays (at least before the age of 10) were spent in the company of my extended family, and therefore my abuser. holidays are a fun thing for me, not a day full offlashbacks and triggers. for those of you who have a hard time with holidays....i'm sorry. i wish i could take it all away from you.

yesterday we went to my in-laws to dye hard boiled eggs. today we will be doing little buddy's easter with his basket and egg hunt once hubby gets home from work because tomorrow we will be going to my parents' for dinner.

even though it's fun to dye eggs, and fill them with candy, and go for easter egg hunts is so fun, it's important (at least to me) to remember why we have easter. on easter, Jesus Christ was resurrected, rising from the dead to overcome mortality. i believe that this really happened.

from the first presidency's easter message (of the LDS chuch):

At this Easter season of hope and renewal we testify of the glorious reality of the atonement and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ. The empty tomb brought comforting assurance and provided the answer to the question of Job, “If a man die, shall he live again?” (Job 14:14).

Because of the Savior’s resurrection we will overcome death and become the beneficiaries of His mercy and grace. In a world of trouble and uncertainty, His peace fills our hearts and eases our minds. Jesus is in very deed “the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6).

We give our sure witness that Jesus is the Christ. Though He was crucified, He rose triumphant from the tomb to our everlasting blessing and benefit. To each member of the human family He stands as our Advocate, our Savior, and our Friend.

the touch of the Master's hand

it was battered and scarred and the auctioneer

thought it scarcely worth his while

to waste much time on the old violin,

but held it up with a smile;

"what am i bid good folks?" he cried,

"who'll start the bidding for me?

a dollar, a dollar, then two! only two?

two dollars and who'll make it three?"

"three dollars once and three dollars twice.

going for three..." but no,

from the room far back, a gray-haired man

came forward and picked up the bow;

then wiping the dust from the old violin

and tightening the loose strings,

he played a melody pure and sweet

as a caroling angel sings.

the music ceased, and the auctioneer,

with a sad voice that was quiet and low,

said, "what am i bid for the old violin?"

and he held it up with the bow.

"a thousand dollars, and who'll make it two?

two thousand and who'll make it three?

three thousand once and three thousand twice

and going, and gone," said he.

the people cheered, but some of them said,

"we do not quite understand.

what changed its worth?" quick came the reply,

"'twas the touch of the Master's Hand."

and many a man with life out of tune

and battered and scarred with sin,

is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd,

much like the old violin.

a mess of pottage, a glass of wine,

a game and he travels on.

he's going once and going twice,

he's going and almost gone.

but the Master comes and the foolish crowd

never can quite understand

the worth of a soul and the change that's wrought

by the touch of the Master's hand.

although this poem refers to a man whose life is battered by sin, it speaks to me of my life, battered by abuse. the Master, just as he helps the sinner find his worth, helps those whose worth has been hidden in the tragedy of abuse find theirs as well.

since the announcement of the theme "rebirth and renewal" was made for april's blog carnival against child abuse i have been thinking about it a lot. what does rebirth and renewal mean to me, and how does it apply to my past abuse?

over the course of my childhood i lost sight of who i was. i was angry and i didn't know why. i had no self-esteem and little confidence in myself and my abilities. i was depressed and unable to deal with everyday problems. i began going to counseling at thirteen, which helped some. as i progressed through junior high and high school, i began to see more glimpses of who i really am underneath the pain and anger. but i am still unable to grasp at that knowledge all of the time--in fact, it seems, i rarely am able to see myself for who i really am, who i was before the abuse.

i have had a number of "rebirths" throughout my life and i am sure that i have many more ahead of me. there is one, however, that i am looking forward to with both anticipation and apprehension. a few months ago i spent a week working on myself, working on bringing myself to a point to be ready to confront my past and push myself into the future. while on this difficult and painful journey, with the help of a counselor, i made a decision.

the only way for me to truly be able to move on and let the past be is to tell my abuser what he has done to me.

this statement sends chills of fear and excitement running down my spine. i have a knot in my chest and terrifying images enter my head. i relive nightmares of him laughing at me, throwing it back in my face, victimizing me all over again. and yet there is a part of me that is larger than it has ever been that is determined to tell him exactly what he has done to me, and to my life. a part of me that will demand an apology, that will stand up for myself and dump all of my crap on him--and never look back. that would truly be a rebirth for me.

i have found that no matter what steps i take toward a renewal of the knowledge of who i am, i always fall short--unless i have help. unless i allow myself to be like the old violin, unless i let the Master wipe away the dust of pain and guilt and hurt, to tighten my loose strings, to use His love to play the notes of peace and joy in my soul. just as i am working toward this major step in my healing, i know that i will never make it without His love, His understanding, and His strength bolstering me up. as i think about His love, and His sacrifice for me, the knot in my chest slowly eases, the anxiety i feel slowly ebbs away, and is replaced with peace and a calm assurance that i can do this. my tears of fear and hurt turn to tears of joy and gratitude. i CAN overcome my fears. i CAN put the past behind me and move forward with determination, with confidence, with hope for the future instead of dread.

and the crowd may never understand. in fact, i may never understand what changed within me. but the worth of my soul, as a child of God, will shine through the pain, and the change in my heart will show through the hurt, all because of the touch of the Master's hand.

be still, my soul

haven't posted in awhile. i've been really sick. going to the dr again tomorrow. hubby had to give me an IV to get some fluids in my system....one day i was so weak i couldn't even walk. and my grandma is doing much worse. they didn't think she would make it through the night. we are heading over to the hospital as soon as hubby gets off work. i am scared and worried.

went to a baby blessing this morning. i actually blow dried my hair, did my makeup, and shaved my legs. crazy, i know. i feel better about myself when i get dressed up but hate doing it. on the way there i listened to a CD i got at a youth conference 8 years ago. for the life of me i can't remember the artist's name but the CD is full of beautiful hymn arrangements that are all about the Savior.

i want to share one of my favorite hymns with you...i'm trying to sing it in my head and take the words to heart right now.

be still, my soul: the Lord is on they side;
with patience bear thy cross of grief or pain
leave to thy God to order and provide:
in ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
be still, my soul, thy best, thy heav'nly friend
thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
to guide the future as He has the past.
thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

annunciation

this is an automatically generated post, because i am away for a few days, working on getting my life in order. i would love to come back to an inbox full of comments, from my readers sharing their thoughts with me. so please leave a comment!

much of the art world revolves around religious art, especially throughout the baroque and pre-renaissance and renaissance periods. many paintings were done of a single biblical occurrence. i've always loved to compare these, especially across time periods. recently i've been intrigued with depictions of the annunciation.

artist: Fra Angelico

what do you think mary was feeling as the angel told her she was to carry the Son of God?

artist: Francesco de Goya

what do you think she felt? fear? excitement? inadequacy? determination?

artist: Leonardo da Vinci

i've wondered if she ever shed tears over her calling. if she was just so scared of failure. if she thought she couldn't do it, even for a moment. or was she chosen to be the mother of Christ because Heavenly Father thought she wouldn't feel that way?

artist: Sandro Botticelli

i think that she probably did. she was scared, unsure of herself, afraid of what would happen. she was human, just like you and i, and i can't possibly believe that Heavenly Father expected her to take such a difficult calling without any doubts, ever. we are all given challenges, we are all given difficulties in life. i'm sure many people would be upset at my view of Ave Maria, especially those religions that pray to her. i love the catholic view on Mary, that she is benevolent, an intercessor on their behalf. the quintessential mother-figure to everyone on earth.

as a mother myself, i feel fear, and doubt, and uncertainty about my own calling. i worry about what kind of a mother i will be and if i can provide everything necessary to my children. what must mary have thought, knowing she would be the mother to Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world?

artist: El Greco

if you are a parent, what do you think, how did you feel when you discovered you were expecting a child? if you are not, how do you think you would feel?

not my article but important to share anyway

this morning i read the latest post over at the segullah blog. by the end of it, i was in tears. i would send you all over to read it, which i am telling you to do, but i also believe that many of you won't click the link and read it. and i think that it is a beautiful thing that everyone should read. I am going to post it here for you as well.

As A Woman?
By Kathryn Soper
Posted at Blog Segullah

A few days ago I posted this quote from Chieko Okazaki at Times & Seasons, and asked readers if they believed it was true.

We know that on some level Jesus experienced the totality of mortal existence in Gethsemane. It’s our faith that he experienced everything–absolutely everything. Sometimes we don’t think through the implications of that belief. We talk in great generalities about the sins of all humankind, about the suffering of the entire human family. But we don’t experience pain in generalities. We experience it individually. That means Jesus knows what it felt like when your mother died of cancer–how it was for your mother, how it still is for you. He knows what it felt like to lose the student-body election. He knows that moment when the brakes locked, and the car started to skid. He experienced the slave ship sailing from Ghana toward Virginia. He experienced the gas chambers at Dachau. He experienced napalm in Vietnam. He knows about drug addiction and alcoholism.

Today I’m sharing the next segment of the quote. Ready?

There is nothing you have experienced as a woman that he does not also know and recognize. On a profound level, he understands about pregnancy and giving birth. He knows about PMS and cramps and menopause. He understands about rape and infertility and abortion.

His last recorded words to his disciples were, “And lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world.” (Matthew 28:20) What does that mean? It means he understands your mother-pain when your five-year-old leaves for kindergarten, when a bully picks on your fifth-grader, when your daughter calls to say that the new baby has Down syndrome. He knows your mother-rage when a trusted babysitter sexually abuses your two-year-old, when someone gives your thirteen-year-old drugs, when someone seduces your seventeen-year-old. He knows the pain you live with when you come home to a quiet apartment where the only children who ever come are visitors, when you hear that your former husband and his new wife were sealed in the temple last week, when your fiftieth wedding anniversary rolls around and your husband has been dead for two years. He knows all that. He’s been there. He’s been lower than all that.

I believe Jesus comprehends all of my experiences in mortality, including those unique to womanhood. Why? because I interpret the scriptures to say that Jesus is connected with every human being (not to mention every living thing) through the medium of the spirit, and that through this avenue he experiences everything that we experience. He’s aware of everything happening to everyone at every moment. He suffers and rejoices along with us–and there’s no division along gender lines.

Yes, Jesus has a male body, but the life in every body is the holy spirit. There’s not a separate spirit for men and women. Whatever I sense, think, and feel is part of the current that is constantly flowing through him.

What about you? Do you believe that Jesus truly understands your experiences–including those rooted in womanhood? And if so, why?

please leave your comments here. but also, if you are going to comment on this post, please take the few minutes to go over to the original post and leave comments for the author. she spent the time to write this. i just thought it was so beautiful i wanted my readers to share in it as well.

Use the Lord's Healing Power

Excerpt from "Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse" by Elder Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 1992


"If you feel there is only a thin thread of hope, believe me, it is not a thread. It can be the unbreakable connecting link to the Lord which puts a life preserver around you. He will heal you as you cease to fear and place your trust in him by striving to live his teachings.

Please, don't suffer more. Ask now for the Lord to help you. Don't view all that you experience in life through lenses darkened by the scars of abuse. There is so much in life that is beautiful. Open the windows of your heart and let the love of the Savior in. And should ugly thoughts of past abuse ocme back, remember his love and his healing power. Your depression will be converted to peace and assurance. You will close an ugly chapter and open volumes of happiness."

also published on modern molly mormon

becoming Lazarus

when i was a senior in high school, i took an advanced lit class. one of the books we were required to read was crime and punishment, by fyodor dostoevsky. this is a pretty standard required read in high school and even in college. i never had a desire to read it, but as i got into the novel i was immediately hooked. i have since read it six times and it has become one of my favorite books. (if you haven't read it, i would highly suggest that you do.)

the novel follows a young man, rodion romanovitch raskolnikov. raskolnikov is a poverty stricken, intelligent, moody person. he hates being around other people. he has a theory that there are two kinds of people: the regular, common people, bound by laws. the second kind of people are the "napoleons" of the world, those who are not bound by law. these people can, and in fact are morally obligated to, commit crimes to provide a way to better the world. raskolnikov murders and robs an old woman and her sister in an effort to prove his a member of this elite class. the novel follows his thought process before and after the crime is committed, and delves into the psychology of a criminal.

another central character to the novel is sofya semyonovna marmeledov (sonia). she is also poverty stricken, and has been forced to prostitute herself to feed and provide for her father, a drunk, her step-mother, who is consumptive, and her three younger step-siblings. she is the savior to her family, although she is sinning to do so. raskolnikov befriends sonia. one day, he goes to visit her. he forces her to read the story of lazarus from the bible aloud to him.

"Sonia opened the book and found the place. Her hands were shaking, her voice failed her. Twice she tried to begin and could not bring out the first syllable.

'Now a certain man was sick named Lazarus of Bethany....' she forced herself at last to read, but at the third word her voice broke like an overstrained string. There was a catch in her breath.

Raskolnikov saw in part why Sonia could not bring herself to read to him, and the more he saw this, the more roughly and irritably he insisted on her doing so. He understood only too well how painful it was for her to betray and unveil all that was her own. He understood that these feelings really were her secret treasure, which she had kept perhaps for years, perhaps from childhood, while she lived with an unhappy father and a distracted stepmother crazed by grief, in the midst of starving children and unseemly abuse and reproaches. But at the same time he knew now and knew for certain that, although it filled her with dread and suffering, yet she had a tormenting desire to read and to read to him that he might hear it, and to read now whatever might come of it!...He read this in her eyes, he could see it in her intense emotion. She mastered herself, controlled the spasm in her throat and went on reading the eleventh chapter of St. John. She went on to the nineteenth verse:

'And many of the Jews came to Martha and Mary to comfort them concerning their brother.

'Then Martha as soon as she heard that Jesus was coming went and met Him: but Mary sat still in the house.

'Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if Thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.

'But I know that even now whatsoever Thou wilt ask of God, God will give it Thee....'

Then she stopped again with a shamefaced feeling that her voice would quiver and break again.

'Jesus said unto her, thy brother shall rise again.

'Martha said unto Him, I know that he shall rise again in the resurrection, at the last day.

'Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection and the life: he that believeth in Me though he were dead, yet shall he live.

'And whosoever liveth and believeth in Me shall never die. Believest thou this?

'She saith unto him,'

(And drawing a painful breath, Sonia read distinctly and forcibly as though she were making a public confession of faith.)

'Yea, Lord: I believe that Thou art the Christ, the Son of God Which should come into the World.'

She stopped and looked up quickly at him, and controlling herself went on reading. Raskolnikov sat without moving, his elbows on the table and his eyes turned away. She read to the thirty-second verse.

'Then when Mary was come where Jesus was and saw Him, she fell down at His feet, saying unto Him, Lord if Thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.

'When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled,

'And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto Him, Lord, come and see.

'Jesus wept.

'Then said the Jews, behold how He loved him!

'And some of them said, could not this Man which opened the eyes of the blind, have caused that even this man should not have died?'

Raskolnikov turned and looked at her with emotion. Yes, he had known it! She was trembling in a real physical fever. He had expected it. She was getting near the story of the greatest miracle and a feeling of immense triumph came over her. Her voice rang out like a bell; triumph and joy gave it power. The lines danced before her eyes, but she knew what she was reading by heart. At the last verse 'Could not this Man which opened the eyes of the blind...' dropping her voice she passionately reproduced the doubt, the reproach and censure of the blind disbelieving Jews, who in another moment would fall at His feet as through struck by thunder, sobbing and believing....'And he, he---too, is blinded and unbelieving, he, too, will hear, he, too, will believe, yes, yes! At once, now,' was what she was dreaming, and she was quivering with happy anticipation.

'Jesus therefore again groaning in Himself cometh to the grave. It was a cave and a stone lay upon it.

'Jesus said, Take ye away the stone. Martha, the sister of him that was dead, saith unto Him, Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days.'

She laid emphasis on the word four.

'Jesus saith unto her, Said I not unto thee that if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldest see the glory of God?

'Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid. And Jesus lifted up His eyes and said, Father, I thank Thee that Thou hast heard Me.

'And I know that Thou hearest Me always; but because of the people which stand by I said it, that they may believe that Thou has sent Me.

'And when He thus had spoken, He cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth.

'And he that was dead came forth."

(She read loudly, bold and trembling with ecstasy, as though she were seeing it before her eyes.)

'Bound hand and foot with graveclothes; and his face was bound about with a napkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him and let him go.

'Then many of the Jews which came to Mary and had seen the things which Jesus did believed on Him.'"

this story meant so much to sonia, and eventually to raskolnikov, because they, too, would be resurrected from their sins. though dead, they would live again, through the healing power of Jesus Christ. i never thought deeply about the story of lazarus before i read crime and punishment. it was a miracle, and it was amazing, but it was (to me) like the rest of the miracles that Christ performed while on earth. after reading the story from sonia's perspective, it became much more three dimensional to me. suddenly, i was sonia. i was raskolnikov. i was lazarus. the Lord was raising me from the dead. the death of abuse, the death of depression, anguish, loneliness.

if i trust in the Lord, if i have faith in Him and his ability to heal me, i can be healed. i can be a new person, and begin my life over again. no matter our situations--for raskolnikov, it was repentance for a crime; for sonia, it was knowing that the Lord would forgive her in doing what was necessary to feed her family; for me, it is overcoming my abuse; perhaps for you it may be moving past the grief of losing a loved one, the difficulty of moving your family across the world, struggling with an illness, or feeling lost and discouraged.

"Said I not unto thee that if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldest see the glory of God?"

broken

please, everyone, take the time to watch this.

it just might change your outlook on your life at this moment.

it did for me.

thank you to mile 191 for sharing this.

finding joy

today i feel very blessed.

i am watching my beautiful baby play with a book. he is such a good boy--so well-behaved, and sweet, and such a happy, laid back baby. he is fun to watch and his smile makes my whole world better. he is strong, and healthy, and looks just like his handsome daddy.

i am so blessed to have such a hard-working, supportive, loving husband. i can't believe he is still here by my side after everything i have put him through. i have a lot of unresolved issues, as you all know, and the effects of those have been devastating to our relationship, to his feelings, and to me. but he is still here, still asking me what he can do to help me, and still loving me. he took the day off today to be with us and i am so glad!

i am amazed at how many gifts we have under our tree. we didn't think we would have much of a christmas because money is tight here (like everywhere else). but then some things worked out for us--i got a christmas bonus--hubby worked overtime--and we figured out how to get some gifts for each other. and some fun gifts for little buddy! (even a bone for the dog!)

i am so blessed to have such a beautiful home. i love this little house. i wish we could pick it up and transplant it elsewhere. but i am grateful that we have a house that we can pay the mortgage for. i'm glad we aren't one of the millions of people going through foreclosure. we have heat, we have power, we have running water, we have a roof over our heads to protect us from the freezing weather outside.

i am also grateful for my extended family. my grandparents, who are on a fixed income, sent us a check for $120 last week. i nearly cried. i am so lucky to have family who loves me so much. for my parents and my siblings. even though they can be crazy, i still love them. and i know they love me. they may go about doing things differently than i would, but i know they have the best of intentions and want nothing more than for me to be happy. same for my in-laws. i love them, too, and in some ways get along with them better than my own family. the crazy is there, too, but they still love us. and i know they love me. i have been surprised at how they have treated me like their own child.

i'm grateful for my dog. sometimes she is stupid. sometimes she gets in trouble. she is sick a lot, which is frustrating. she is almost always in the way, right under your feet. but she is a sweet dog, and she would do anything to protect us. she is so good with the baby. she gets so worried when he cries, and runs to him when he gets hurt. for the most part she obeys us, even though she hasn't had any kind of training.

i also have the best cat in the world. she loves to cuddle, she talks to me, she's good with the baby too (as in she runs away from him instead of swiping at him) and she is just so fun.

i'm grateful for my cell phone, for the internet, for this laptop i use every single day, for the tv, for the ability to learn, and grow, and change. i'm grateful for warm blankets and fuzzy socks. i'm grateful for hot water, bubble baths, and blow dryers. i'm grateful for food to eat and the ability to cook a decent meal. i'm grateful for my talents--art, music, writing. i'm grateful for beauty in the world. i'm grateful for good friends that stick by me through everything. some of whom have been there for me through my insanity since the second grade. i'm grateful for the childlike joy i get when a christmas card comes, looking at christmas lights, our christmas tree, and the pretty little nativity scene we have.

i'm grateful for the knowledge that i have of Jesus Christ and his atonement. not so much for repentance--although i'm grateful for that, too--but for the fact that he knows my pain. he knows my struggles. he knows exactly how i feel, and what i am going through. he has borne my cross, my cross of depression, of the pain of abuse, of the self-hatred and of the self-doubt. i know that i am not alone, even when i feel so alone and cut off from every other human being on the planet.

i'm grateful for christmas, for the constant reminders of Christ we get at this time of year, for the opportunities to serve others.

Obedience Can Bring Us Peace and Comfort: Part 1

originally posted at Modern Molly Mormon

"Obedience is the first law of heaven, the cornerstone upon which all righteousness and progression rest."
-Bruce R. McConkie

Abuse may distort our perceptions about obedience. As victims we may have been taught to obey at all costs. Any mistake may have led to severe physical, emotional or sexual punishment. As adults we may have adopted perfectionist tendencies, or live in fear of punishments that may come if a mistake is made. Sometimes victims of abuse go to the other extreme and rebel against authority and/or God.

Many who have been abused find it difficult to feel the influence of the Holy Ghost as well as to feel answers to prayer. Although we may interpret this as a lack of Heavenly Father's love, there is another explanation. A basic defense children use against sexual abuse is to shut down their feelings, helping them to get through the trauma. Yet this response also cuts them off from positive feelings. As a result, those who have been abused may have difficulty feeling the love of Heavenly Father, His servants, and other nurturing people in their lives.

One of Adam's great religious acts has become the classical illustration of perfect obedience. This first man of all men was commanded by the Lord to offer the firstlings of his flocks as a sacrifice, which he did. "Thereupon an angel appeared to him and asked: 'Why dost thou offer sacrifices unto the Lord?' and Adam said unto him, 'I know not, save the Lord commanded me.'" Then the angel told him the purpose and significance of sacrifice. (Moses 5:5-8) It should be noted that obedience preceded receipt of the new revelation.

As shown by Adam, obedience requires trust and faith, two attributes that are often damaged by abuse. When we align ourselves with God, everything in our life will either fall into place, or it will fall out of our life.

I have found in my life that I do not feeling as if I am controlled by anyone or anything. This has been a major roadblock in my being obedient--to my parents, my leaders, and even Heavenly Father. I responded to the abuse by rebelling in many ways, which caused a lot of disharmony in my family relationships. Now that I am an adult, I can handle these situations more maturely. But I still don't like feeling as if I am being told to do something. I am continuing to work on the obedience aspect of the gospel.

Almost without exception, we are encouraged to seek answers and healing from scripture reading and prayer. It is almost a cliche and we may fear that as we seek help from a church leader we will be dismissed with an unsympathetic "read your scriptures and pray." Unfortunately, in many cases this is what we may encounter. Yet, as we humble ourselves and turn to the Lord through prayer and scripture study, we can receive help we wouldn't have found otherwise.

President Benson said, "'From a child thou has known the holy scriptures, whicdh are able to make thee wise unto salvation' (2 Timothy 3:14-15). My dear brethren [and sisters], this is an answer to the great challenge of our time. The word of God, as found in the scriptures, in the words of living prophets, and in personal revelation, has the power to fortify the Saints and arm them with the Spirit so they can resist evil, hold fast to the good, and find joy in this life."

I have found in my own experience that my greatest joy comes from doing the things the Lord has asked of me. Lately I have really struggled when it comes to scripture study--and even my own personal prayers. It has been a rough couple of years and my faith has really been tested. It is still being tested. I am making a goal right here, right now, to get myself back on track, to facilitate my continued healing, to progress in my growth as a person, a wife, and a mother, by obeying the Lord's commandments.

"For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven." (D&C 58:2)

I would like to challenge each of you to do your best in keeping the Lord's commandments. We each struggle with something different. For me, it is scripture study and prayer. For someone else, it may be swearing. For another, the word of wisdom, and for another, it may be something very different. I know that the Lord loves all of us. He wants us to be happy. He has told us that happiness comes from obedience. He has given us the way, now we just need to follow it. We are His children, and He wants only the best for us. Let's live up to our potential as His children and work hard to do as He has asked.

the shepherds

go check out this post at modern molly mormon that was written by my little sister, about the shepherds present at the birth of Christ.

suffering messengers of light

originally posted at modern molly mormon

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this article came from the ensign in august of 1986. i tried a few times to take a few parts from it to write this post, but found that it was impossible to do so and have the meaning conveyed well. this week, instead of sharing my personal experience, i will let this article speak for itself.

"I Have a Question"
by Carlfred Broderick, professor of Sociology, University of Southern California

"Q: So many children are abused, offended, and abandoned. If little children are precious to God, what justification can there be for permitting some to be born into such circumstances?

A: As children of God, we have been given the great gift of choice.

We may choose to help, or we may choose to hurt. Unfortunately, as the Lord explained to Moses, the iniquities of one generation are often visited upon the heads of following generations. (See Exodus 20:5) Anyone can see the truth of that saying by looking at many families in the world today. Often, troubled families seem to pass on their pain and darkness—virtually intact—to their children and grandchildren. The victim of one generation becomes the victimizer of the next.

On the other hand, the Lord told the prophet Ezekiel:

“What mean ye, that ye use this proverb concerning the land of Israel, saying, The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge? As I live, saith the Lord God, ye shall not have occasion any more to use this proverb in Israel. Behold, all souls are mine; as the soul of the father, so also the soul of the son is mine: the soul that sinneth, it shall die.” (Ezek. 18:2-4)

This scripture suggests that children need not merely replicate the sins of their fathers, but that each generation is held accountable for its own choices.

Indeed, my experience in various church callings and in my profession as a family therapist has convinced me that God actively intervenes in some destructive lineages, assigning a valiant spirit to break the chain of destructiveness in such families. Although these children may suffer innocently as victims of violence, neglect, and exploitation, through the grace of God some find the strength to “metabolize” the poison within themselves, refusing to pass it on to future generations. Before them were generations of destructive pain; after them the line flows clear and pure. Their children and children’s children will call them blessed.In suffering innocently that others might not suffer, such persons, in some degree, become as “saviors on Mount Zion” by helping to bring salvation to a lineage.

I have had the privilege of knowing many such individuals people whose backgrounds are full of incredible pain and humiliation. I think of a young woman who was repeatedly abused sexually by her father. When at last she gained the courage to tell her mother, the girl was angrily beaten and rejected by her.

These experiences made the girl bitter and self-doubting. Yet, despite all odds, she has made peace with God and found a trustworthy husband with whom she is raising a righteous family. Moreover, she has dedicated her energies to helping other women with similar backgrounds eliminate the poison from their own lineages.

I think of a young man whose mother died when he was twelve and whose father responded to that loss by locking his son in his room, then drinking and entertaining women in the house. When he would come to let the boy out, he would beat him senseless, sometimes breaking bones and causing concussions.

As might be expected, the young man grew up full of confusion, self-hate, and resentment. Yet the Lord did not leave him so, but provided friends and opportunities for growth. Today, through a series of spiritually healing miracles, this young man is preparing for a temple marriage to a good woman. Together they are committed to bringing children up in righteousness and gentleness and love.

In a former era, the Lord sent a flood to destroy unworthy lineages. In this generation, it is my faith that he has sent numerous choice individuals to help purify them.

In the days of Jeremiah, the Lord used some of the same language he would later use in speaking to Ezekiel:

“In those days they shall say no more, The fathers have eaten a sour grape, and the children’s teeth are set on edge. But every one shall die for his own iniquity: every man that eateth the sour grape, his teeth shall be set on edge.” (Jer. 31:29–30.)

Then he went on to say of this new, covenant generation: “I will put my law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and will be their God, and they shall be my people.” (Jer. 31:33.)

Most of us, I believe, are acquainted with one or more of these valiant, struggling spirits. In the latter stages of their progress, they are easy to recognize and appreciate. But sometimes in the early stages they are suffering so much from their terrible wounds that it takes a mature degree of spiritual sensitivity to see past the bitterness and pain to discern the purity of spirit within. It is our duty and our privilege to befriend such individuals and to provide whatever assistance and support we can in helping them to achieve their high destiny.

Others of us may be, ourselves, the suffering messengers of light. Let us be true to our divine commission, forgoing bitterness and following in our Savior’s footsteps."

using faith to heal: part 2

originally posted at modern molly mormon

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i read this excerpt from a book called "believing Christ" by stephen e. robinson.

"i was sitting in a chair reading. my daughter, sarah, who was seven years old at the time, came in and said, 'dad, can i have a bike? i'm the only kid on the block who doesn't have one.'

well, i didn't have the money then, for a bike, so i stalled her. i said, 'sure, sarah.'

she said, 'how? when?'

i said, 'you save all your pennies, and soon you'll have enough for a bike.' and she went away.

a couple of weeks later i was sitting in the same chair when i heard a 'clink, clink' in sarah's bedroom. i asked, 'sarah, what are you doing?' she came to me with a little jar, a slit cut in the lid, and a bunch of pennies in the bottom. she said, 'you promised me that if i saved all my pennies, pretty soon i'd have enough for a bike. and, daddy, i've saved every single one of them.'

my heart melted. my daughter was doing everything in her power to follow my instructions. i hadn't actually lied to her. if she saved all over her pennies, she would eventually have enough for a bike, but by then she would want a car. i said, 'let's go look at bikes.'

we went to every store in town. finally we found it-the perfect bicycle. she was thrilled. then she saw the price tag, and her face fell. she started to cry. 'oh, dad, i'll never have enough for a bicycle!'

so i said, 'sarah, how much do you have?'

she answered, 'sixty-one cents.'

'i'll tell you what. you give me everything you've got and a hug and a kiss, and the bike is yours.' then i drove home very slowly because she insisted on riding the bike home.

as i drove beside her, i thought of the atonement of Christ. we all desperately want the celestial kingdom. we want to be with our Father in Heaven. but no matter how hard we try, we come up short. at some point all of us must realize, 'i can't do this by myself. i need help.' then it is that the Savior says, in effect, all right, you're not perfect. but what can you do? give me all you have, and i'll do the rest."

i love this story. this little girl had faith that if she did what her daddy told her, and save all her pennies, she would get a bike. she did what he asked--but her father made up the rest.

the same it is with us, and Christ. we must have faith that we can be healed through the atonement. we must do our best, work our hardest, and allow the Lord to make up the rest.in going through the healing process following my abuse, i spent many nights praying in tears. pouring my soul out to the Lord, telling Him that i couldn't do it. that there was no way i could get through this, that i could heal and overcome this. it was just too hard. i was so discouraged. for years i believed that i would be miserable forever. and honestly, i still believe that sometimes. but the truth is that i won't be, if i do my part and allow the Lord to do His. sometimes our part is just like this story--coming up with sixty-one cents when the cost is a hundred dollars. that that hundred dollars is there for us. we must ask the Lord for His help.

as i come to realize more and more that i cannot do this alone, i am starting to ask for help. i am relying more upon the Lord and His strength. and i am healing. slowly--and many times painfully--but the result is there. the wounds are healing. the scars are fading. i will never forget what i have been through. i will never forget the pain and the struggle. but i can look back on it, and see it, and see how far i have come, and have no pain.

there is no way for me to fully heal without the Lord's help, and love, and understanding. but there is no way for me to take advantage of His help without first believing that He can and will.and He can help. and He will help. He wants to help, more than we could ever understand.

the rock

I Will Not Fail Thee

Derek Hegsted

i love this painting. it has always been one of my favorites. i first came across this painting when i was in jr high, one of the darkest times of my life.

last night when i wrote that post on depression, i was in a deep pit of despair and frustration. today i woke up feeling much the same way. but i decided i'm not going to allow that to continue. i'm going to do what i can to pull myself out of this rut. i know i cannot do this by myself. i have my wonderful husband who is there for me. who is taking me out to dinner to get me out of the house, spending money we don't really have, to help me feel better.

i also have the lord. i was going through my SOLE manual (read more about SOLE here) and came across this story.

The Rock (Author Unknown)

There is a story told by a Father Mary about a man who was asleep one night in his cabin, when suddenly his room filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told him he had a work for him to do, and showed him a large rock explaining that he was to push against that rock with all his might.

This the man did, and for many days he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulder set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the rock pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.

Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to enter the picture, placing thoughts in the man's mind such as, "Why kill yourself over this; you're never going to move it," or "Boy, you've been at it here a long time and you haven't even scratched the surface," etc. giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was an unworthy and unprofitable servant because he wasn't moving the massive stone. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man and he started to ease up in his efforts. "Why kill myself," he thought, "I'll just put in my time putting forth just the minimum and that will be good enough." And that he did, or at least planned on doing until one day he decided to take his troubles to the Lord. "Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting forth all of my strength to do that which you have asked me. Yet after all this time I haven't even budged that rock half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am i failing?"

To this the Lord responded compassionately, "My friend...when long ago I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you to push against the rock with all of your strength, and that you have done. But never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it! At least not all by yourself. Your task was to push! And now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you had failed and ready to quit. But is that really so? Look at yourself, your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewed and brown. Your hands are calloused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much and your ability now far surpasses that which you used to have. Yet you still haven't succedded in moving the rock, and you come to me now with a heavy heart and your strength spent. I, my friend, will move the rock. Your calling was to be obedient and push, and to exercise your faith and trust in my wisdom." (emphasis added)

how true that is in life. the lord has allowed me this burden, this depression, these traumas. he has given me the opportunity to grow and change for the better. it is so difficult. so hard. so unbearably HARD. but just like the man in the story, i know that after i give everything i have, when my strength is spent, the Lord will move my rock. i only have to put my trust in Him and do what He has asked me to do. i have to have faith that He will help me. this is, perhaps, the most difficult thing. i want to be in control of my life. i have such difficulty giving up my will to the Lord. but when i have in the past, the Lord has helped me. i just need to get to that point once again.

"[Cast] all your care upon him; for he careth for you" (1 Peter 5:7)

the picture of my most life-changing experience

i don't know if anyone will really read this. i'm not sure if anyone is actually reading this blog--it is pretty new. but for the last week or so i haven't been able to get this out of my head.

i believe 100% that i am being prompted to write this. i don't know why. i don't know for who. maybe it's just for me. but i decided a very long time ago that if at all possible, i would use this experience to help other people. so, if this helps, then that's wonderful.

as a child (approximately from the age of 6 to the age of 8) i was sexually molested by a close family member. i will not go into detail as that is not my purpose in writing about this. all you need is the background, really: my parents did not become aware of the abuse until i was 13, after an unsuccessful suicide attempt. it was battled in court for almost 6 years, due to a loophole in state law.

i spent my teen years (and even into college) in and out of therapy,battling major issues with depression, my self-esteem, guilt and flashbacks from the abuse. i became aware that my experiences are not uncommon. i was extremely upset by this. i had been through hell, i could not stand to think that so many others would experience what i have. as i went through counseling and saw the HUGE difference it made in every aspect of my life, i decided that i would do everything i could to help others with my experiences. this is not something i talk about a lot. this is not something i will discuss with just anyone. i have found that i have been prompted to share my experiences with some very different people, some i know well and some i do not.

at 18, my senior year of high school, i began seeing a new counselor.she was with lds social services. i had never seen a counselor from ldsss before. my counselor told me of this new program, a class specifically for women who had been through some form of abuse. the class did not concentrate on the abuse itself, but on learning to heal through Christ. so that is how i found myself attending an eight week class with 9 other women. the name of the class is called SOLE:Survivors of Life Experiences.

walking into class the first week, i was extremely apprehensive. i was by far the youngest woman in the class. i have no idea what type of abuse those amazing women had been through--i believe some had dealt with spousal abuse, some parental neglect, others physical, emotional,and sexual abuse. but really, it didn't matter. we were there to support and love each other, to pray for each other, to help each other overcome the struggles we dealt with daily as a direct result of the horror we had each been through.

in the front page of the manual we received was this quote:

"The gospel of Jesus Christ is not insurance against pain. It is a source in the event of pain, and when that pain comes (and it will come, because we came here to earth to have pain among other things),when it comes, rejoice that you have the resource to deal with your pain."
-Carl Broderick

how true this is! life happens. terrible, horrible, unspeakable things happen as a result of the choices of others, and even as a result of living here on earth. but i know that Christ is there to help me heal from my pain, the same as he is for every other person.

over the next few weeks we discussed who we were as children of God.we talked about who He is, how we can find peace in faith and obedience to Him. we discussed forgiveness, repentance, humility, and the application of the atonement in our lives. through the scriptures,talks and stories from apostles and prophets, and each other, we learned how we can endure to the end--with the help of our Savior.

one night stood out to me the very most. each lesson was accompanied by some sort of interactive object lesson. this particular night our counselors set up an obstacle course. they blindfolded us, put us in a dark room, and one by one handed us the end of a rope. this rope was tied to desks, chairs, wound around stacks of books, portable blackboards. the rope went under desks, led us in circles, and at times was tied in so many knots it was difficult to tell where it led.my counselor gave me a little push and i was on my own. completely.slowly and methodically i felt my way forward with my feet. at first i tried using one hand on the rope. this did not work well at all! after a few steps i ended up using both hands. one inch at a time i scooted forward, feeling my way in the darkness. i crawled under desks. i stepped over chairs. once i even had to get on my tummy and scoot under a row of desks--all to keep from losing grip on the rope. after what seemed like forever in darkness, i felt a hand on my shoulder. i was pulled into a tight embrace. my counselor held me for a moment,and in my ear she whispered: "well done, thou good and faithful servant. welcome home." (see Matthew 25:21)

i felt the tears roll down my face. this was it. i knew, the entire time, she was there, watching me. she was helping me and i didn't even know it. the whole time i was wandering in the dark, she had been right by my side, just waiting for me to get to the end, to welcome me home.

and so it is with my Savior. i cannot see him. sometimes i don't even know he is there. and yet, he is right by my side, helping me, cheering for me, crying with me. he loves me. he knows the pain i have gone through, the pain i continue to go through. the nightmares. the flashbacks. the neuroses, the struggles, the temptations, the hurt and anger i have been through. he knows that i still struggle, on an almost daily basis. and he is there weeping for me, and bolstering me up. he believes in me.

"Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days" (D&C 24:8). i hope this has helped whomever it is meant for. i am more than willing to talk to anyone who needs someone to listen. someone who has been through something similar--or even not. i will be more than happy to give suggestions of scriptures, talks, quotes, and poems that have helped me get through the worst.

but most importantly: do not forget that you are loved. you are not alone. you can get through this, whatever it may be. be strong. rely on the Lord, he is there for you.

i look forward to the day that i will hear in my ear,

"Well done, thou good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy Lord."