Saturday, January 3, 2009

an untitled emotion?

from the archives of my private blog--sorry all, my depression is kind of kicking my butt lately and i haven't had a whole ton of great things to talk about.

i've always found this painting fascinating. today i feel like this. not sure if it's because of exhaustion, or stress, boredom, depression...
A Bar at the Folies Bergere, 1881-2
Edouard Manet

this girl is surrounded by happy, talking, laughing people. she is even talking to someone...or he is talking to her. (as seen in the reflection of the mirror behind her.) and yet...if you look at her face...she is far away somewhere. but what is she thinking? it's interesting to me that depending on my own mood she is thinking about something different almost every time i see it. today she is thinking about how much she hates her job, she is tired and misses her baby, and doesn't feel like being social. or maybe she feels alone in a crowded room. isn't it funny how you can feel that way? to be surround by people, even interacting with those people, and still feel completely alone.

human emotions are so complex. i am frequently confused by my own. wouldn't it be amazing to be able to sort through your own emotions, to be able to put specific names with them, understand why you feel that way, where they come from, make them into logic. i think that is a pretty lofty goal. in my experience people can be divided into a few groups fairly easily. people like me, who are emotional about everything but can usually control their actions. people who cannot control their emotions, and therefore let their emotion control their actions, let them rule their lives. people who shut emotion out completely. people who shut emotions out most of the time and other times have outbursts. and then those who can recognize the emotion and choose how to display it, in appropriate ways. (these are few and far between, i believe.) and then those who have one or two emotions the majority of the time. i float between a few of these 'categories' most of the time.

but the real question is...what is the best way to deal with emotion? and how do you get to that point? does suppressing them until you can be alone to let it out really help? crying all of the time doesn't seem to do much in my experience. i cry when i'm happy, sad, mad, hurt, get the point. and i can't seem to control it. trying to stop the tears makes me more upset. i mean, last night i was singing primary songs to my son and started to cry. i can't get more than two lines of "i feel my savior's love" out without my voice cracking.

maybe this is why i love art so much. it is a way for me to express emotion without tears. although, and hubby will attest to this, i cannot enter an art museum without crying at least once. mostly i am so in awe of everything that surrounds me. i could stand in front of a single painting for an hour without moving, probably.

i suppose i am overanalyzing things at this point.

am i the only one that does this?


Bev said...

I over annalize thing all the time. I often feel alone in a group of people it has been that way every since I can remember. I think it has to be with being abused and feeling like I was an alien.

cornnut32 said...

i completely understand what you mean. i feel like that, too. especially when i'm in large groups like at church. i hope that things get better for you. just remember that you really aren't alone. i would be willing to bet that in those groups, at least one other person feels the same way.

Melissa B. said...

I rather prefer Monet over Manet, but all of these guys are pretty awesome! This is how I talk when I go back home to Texas! Hey there, you Superior Scribbler, you! Melissa B., The Scholastic Scribe, here, checking in with fellow Scribblers! BTW, I've got a couple of things on my mind today. First off, don't forget Sx3's a stitch! And I've got a pretty good chance of snagging a superior blog award...thanking you in advance for your support!