being a mother is the most amazing thing in the world.
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
the energy in my soul
being a mother is the most amazing thing in the world.
Monday, March 4, 2013
all you need is love....love is all you need
being a mother is the most difficult and most amazing thing i've done. every day i am responsible for not only taking care of the physical needs of my children, but also their emotional needs--and teaching them to be fine, upstanding members of society. it's hard. i lose patience sometimes. i just want to turn on the tv some days. i try very hard to play with them, or plan projects or games, or do arts and crafts....but frankly, there are times where just giving them food and keeping them from killing each other is the best i can do.
but then i remember....
....and then everything is much easier. no one could love my children more than hubby and i do. no one could be a better mother to them than me--because they are a part of me. they mean everything to me and i would die for them. so even when princess is throwing toys at buddy's head and he is screaming hysterically and all i want to do is scream, i just need to remember that LOVE is all i need.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
finding something beautiful
one of the things i've struggled with my entire life (at least as far back as i can remember) is self-esteem, especially when it comes to my appearance. after my babies were born it got worse. suddenly my entire body changed--and not for the better, in my opinion. things were suddenly sagging and no longer where they should be. i had a major layer of extra fat, and skin covered in stretch marks. for the last five years i've hated the way my stomach looks.
i came across a photograph of a woman's stomach that looked much like mine on pinterest awhile ago. along with it were these words:
A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me.
It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it ugly. That's okay. It was your home. It's where I first grew to love you, where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be. It held you until my arms could, and for that, I will always find something beautiful in it.
now, when i look in the mirror, i try to remember these words.
i came across a photograph of a woman's stomach that looked much like mine on pinterest awhile ago. along with it were these words:
A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me.
It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it ugly. That's okay. It was your home. It's where I first grew to love you, where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be. It held you until my arms could, and for that, I will always find something beautiful in it.
now, when i look in the mirror, i try to remember these words.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
bucket list progress
awhile ago i posted some bucket list items here and here.
well....a few of those things have been checked off my list. hard to believe, but it's true.
1. get married in the Salt Lake City temple
August 25, 2006. i married my best friend.
my sweet princess...the second time i became a mother.
18 weeks in utero...2009.
i have the two most amazing children i could ask for.
i have the two most amazing children i could ask for.
3. confront and forgive my abuser
4. dye my hair black
october 2010. i kind of miss it. it made me feel exotic.
5. play Frank Lloyd Wright's piano
may 2004. i played "polonaise in G minor" by chopin.
6. own red high heels
bought my first pair this month...february 2013. i LOVE them.
7. have my own gallery show. even if it means building my own gallery in my backyard out of refrigerator boxes and inviting the neighbors.
8. visit europe...paris, london, venice, florence, prague, rome. at least.
9. see a rothko, pollock, and klimt in person.
the first time i saw a rothko painting, on my birthday...december 30, 2012.
i cried, it was so beautiful and i couldn't believe i was finally seeing one.
the first pollock i saw...happened to be the same day i saw an original rothko!
it was amazing.
10. feel beautiful.
11. be able to sit for five minutes and feel nothing but peace...no worry, anxiety, depression. just peace.
12. watch my children grow up to be happy people.
13. finish an associate's degree. finish a bachelor's degree, maybe a graduate degree. in art.
graduated with an associate's of science with honors, may 2012
14. feel like a real artist...not an amateur pretending to be a real artist.
15. have a room in my house that i can hang art prints all over, so when i'm depressed, i can walk into that room and be surrounded by joy.
16. find out the secret to being happy.
17. go to the smithsonian, moma, louvre, musee d'orsay and any other art museum i can get myself to.
18. see a broadway play on broadway.
19. fly.....
20. watch a sunset that takes my breath away from beginning to end.
21. write a book.
22. learn to play clair de lune. if not perfectly, then at least accurately.
23. take more piano lessons. get better at playing. find time to practice.
24. learn to make those around me happy. with no reservations.
25. speak another language passably.
26. purchase an original work of art that i love. buy a couch to match the art. inform couch salesman that it is ridiculous to buy art to match a couch. it should be done the other way around.
27. paint something i am truly happy with, that i can look at without second guessing or critiquing.
this one is pretty close....january 2013.
28. own a four-poster canopy bed.
29. dress up in a regency ball gown.
30. be a good person, wife, mother, daughter and friend.
31. sleep under the stars on a clear night; learn to identify a few constellations.
32. finish
my kids' scrapbooks
33. play
roller derby
34. mail
something in to post
secret
35. put blue
highlights in my hair
36. own as
many animals as i can--including a giant fishtank
37. have
another baby. before i'm 30.
38. inspire
someone to do something great.
39. figure
out what i really believe about life and religion,
without worrying about what anyone else thinks. (this one is a work in progress.)
40. hire a
maid to clean my house top to bottom while i sit on the couch and read a
magazine and drink an ice cold coke. pretend i'm a millionaire.
41. find new
friends and be comfortable in our new home--we are moving cross-country in two
months. acclimate to a totally different region and culture of the US,
and support my hubby in graduate school the way he needs and deserves.
Monday, October 24, 2011
new paintings
both are done in acrylic on 16x20 wrapped canvas.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
catching up
wow....can you remember the last time i posted on this blog? i can't, unless i look, which i'm not going to do. :) for any readers left....how about an update? (and a blog post riddled with links just for the fun of it?)
life here in the cornnut household is pretty crazy. princess just turned two (which is insane....remember when i couldn't figure out what the heck was wrong with me...and i ended up being pregnant?) little buddy is three and a half now and in preschool. (ALSO hard to believe he was only six months old when i started this blog.)
i am in school, hooray, and have officially been cleared for graduation in may. i will be graduating with my associates in general studies, which is a nice way of saying i got all of my crappy general ed classes finished in community college so i can take the fun classes at a university. i'm so stinking excited to have that piece of paper that says i did something with my education. i've worked hard and so far have a 4.0. yay me :) too bad i left my math classes for my last two semesters. i hate math.
hubby got a new job, he is now a forensic investigator with the local police department. real-life CSI, which means i refuse to watch CSI with him now. apparently TV is nothing like real life. sheesh. i'm so proud of him...new job, and he graduated with his bachelor of psychology degree in june, and he's just kicking butt all around.
i'm working too...as a photographer. for lifetouch, in one of their JC Penny portrait studios. people pay me to hold their adorable babies. so if you live in my area and need a photographer, look me up.
hubby and i celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary in august. hard to believe we've been married five years....we've had a lot of ups and downs, but we're still here, still working together to overcome the downs. we've been through and dealt with a lot. thanks babe...for sticking with it and helping me do the same. i love you.
for those of you who remember...i've made peace with my parents. some really tough stuff happened a few months ago and we were able to reconnect and overcome our issues because of it. i'm really grateful to have a good relationship with them again, and for everything they have done for me. my kids love being around them too. we were able to spend some time with them yesterday, and i am just so glad we've worked things out and have been able to move forward.
my baby brother (who really isn't a baby anymore, so i should probably stop calling him that) is currently in the MTC (missionary training center). he is serving a mission for the LDS church, and will shortly be headed to Peru. i can't believe how grown up he is. it's kind of giving me an identity crisis, because it makes me feel so OLD. i'm only 25, you know....even if i look 30...and feel 50.
my youngest sister is a STAR and plays volleyball for a pac12 team! i'd tell you which one but since this blog is supposed to be anonymous to anyone who doesn't actually know me in real life i'm not telling. :) if you do know me, you've already heard be brag about her, so i'm pretty sure you know where she plays. she is aiming for the olympics...rio de janeiro, baby! guess i better start putting my pennies in a jar.
new obsession: pinterest. holy cow, is that thing awesome or what? love love love finding new inspiration and fun projects to do. (and i've actually done them, not just pinned them! accomplishment!) plus facebook and saving tons of money shopping....i'm a couponer! (NOT like extreme couponing on TLC.) i do save anywhere from $100-$200 on my monthly shopping trips, which is pretty darn cool. i am teaching classes on how to do it, too, so if you know me and want to host a class....you should!
next month we are moving again. same city, new place. we got new management in our apartment complex and things have really gone downhill, plus we've had issues with our neighbors and our rent is pretty ridiculous. we are moving into a townhome that is nicer and $300 a month cheaper. i'm really excited, even though i hate packing, and unpacking, and moving, and the mess that is associated with it. we are also downsizing to a two bedroom so the kids will be sharing...that will be interesting.
as many of you know.....halloween is coming, and it is my favorite-est holiday EVER. this year's costumes are fun. hubby is a banana again, mostly because he's not into dressing up the way i am, we don't have a lot of money, and we have a banana costume. i got a snow white costume from freecycle (freecycle=awesomeness, find the one near you!) that fits perfectly and looks pretty cool, if i say so myself. (in fact, we took the kids to a halloween festival our city puts on and i had moms stopping me to take pictures with their little girls....kind of surreal.) little buddy is super why, and i made his costume myself. while i am a perfectionist and will accept the quality of the costume, he loves it. that's all that matters. princess is a pirate. why? because my little two year old loves pirates. she is the cutest little buccaneer the world ever did see. she goes around saying, "arrrrr, matey" in her adorable toddler voice, only she does it deeper and gravely and sounds just like a pirate toddler should. everyone fawns all over it, including her mama. the kids are falling in love with halloween, probably thanks to me, and think witches and ghosts and skeletons and bats are the coolest things ever.
and, for your viewing pleasure, the pretty awesome sign my mom helped me make yesterday:
i saw a sign similar to this at Michael's for $20. it was on a stake. i loved the concept (i do have my own little monsters, after all) but flat out refuse to spend $20 on something like that. and i wanted one to hang on my door, since i don't have a yard. so....with three pieces of scrap wood (my mom had them and cut them for me), a little acrylic and puff paint, wire and ribbon (also all thanks to mom's supply), i have an adorable sign for my front door. it's about a thousand times cuter than the one at Michael's, and we added the hands to it. that was also mom's idea. we traced little buddy's and princess's hands and turned them into monster hands. so not only is it cute, but in ten years when i pull it out for halloween i'll get to see how small their little hands were when i made the sign. i really love it!
so i'm pretty sure that's about it...at least i hope so. :) i kind of miss my blog, even though its purpose (to help me heal and hopefully help others) has been mostly served, at least on my end. i hope i still have new readers coming across the blog and finding some kind of inspiration and maybe comfort in knowing they aren't alone. i definitely don't want to start over with a new one. after three years with this blog, and several hundred posts, it's hard to imagine a new one. i've probably lost most of my readers, though---if you're still there, still reading, let me know you're here, and how you're doing. it would be nice to kind of catch up with a lot of you.
until next time!
life here in the cornnut household is pretty crazy. princess just turned two (which is insane....remember when i couldn't figure out what the heck was wrong with me...and i ended up being pregnant?) little buddy is three and a half now and in preschool. (ALSO hard to believe he was only six months old when i started this blog.)
i am in school, hooray, and have officially been cleared for graduation in may. i will be graduating with my associates in general studies, which is a nice way of saying i got all of my crappy general ed classes finished in community college so i can take the fun classes at a university. i'm so stinking excited to have that piece of paper that says i did something with my education. i've worked hard and so far have a 4.0. yay me :) too bad i left my math classes for my last two semesters. i hate math.
hubby got a new job, he is now a forensic investigator with the local police department. real-life CSI, which means i refuse to watch CSI with him now. apparently TV is nothing like real life. sheesh. i'm so proud of him...new job, and he graduated with his bachelor of psychology degree in june, and he's just kicking butt all around.
i'm working too...as a photographer. for lifetouch, in one of their JC Penny portrait studios. people pay me to hold their adorable babies. so if you live in my area and need a photographer, look me up.
hubby and i celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary in august. hard to believe we've been married five years....we've had a lot of ups and downs, but we're still here, still working together to overcome the downs. we've been through and dealt with a lot. thanks babe...for sticking with it and helping me do the same. i love you.
for those of you who remember...i've made peace with my parents. some really tough stuff happened a few months ago and we were able to reconnect and overcome our issues because of it. i'm really grateful to have a good relationship with them again, and for everything they have done for me. my kids love being around them too. we were able to spend some time with them yesterday, and i am just so glad we've worked things out and have been able to move forward.
my baby brother (who really isn't a baby anymore, so i should probably stop calling him that) is currently in the MTC (missionary training center). he is serving a mission for the LDS church, and will shortly be headed to Peru. i can't believe how grown up he is. it's kind of giving me an identity crisis, because it makes me feel so OLD. i'm only 25, you know....even if i look 30...and feel 50.
my youngest sister is a STAR and plays volleyball for a pac12 team! i'd tell you which one but since this blog is supposed to be anonymous to anyone who doesn't actually know me in real life i'm not telling. :) if you do know me, you've already heard be brag about her, so i'm pretty sure you know where she plays. she is aiming for the olympics...rio de janeiro, baby! guess i better start putting my pennies in a jar.
new obsession: pinterest. holy cow, is that thing awesome or what? love love love finding new inspiration and fun projects to do. (and i've actually done them, not just pinned them! accomplishment!) plus facebook and saving tons of money shopping....i'm a couponer! (NOT like extreme couponing on TLC.) i do save anywhere from $100-$200 on my monthly shopping trips, which is pretty darn cool. i am teaching classes on how to do it, too, so if you know me and want to host a class....you should!
next month we are moving again. same city, new place. we got new management in our apartment complex and things have really gone downhill, plus we've had issues with our neighbors and our rent is pretty ridiculous. we are moving into a townhome that is nicer and $300 a month cheaper. i'm really excited, even though i hate packing, and unpacking, and moving, and the mess that is associated with it. we are also downsizing to a two bedroom so the kids will be sharing...that will be interesting.
as many of you know.....halloween is coming, and it is my favorite-est holiday EVER. this year's costumes are fun. hubby is a banana again, mostly because he's not into dressing up the way i am, we don't have a lot of money, and we have a banana costume. i got a snow white costume from freecycle (freecycle=awesomeness, find the one near you!) that fits perfectly and looks pretty cool, if i say so myself. (in fact, we took the kids to a halloween festival our city puts on and i had moms stopping me to take pictures with their little girls....kind of surreal.) little buddy is super why, and i made his costume myself. while i am a perfectionist and will accept the quality of the costume, he loves it. that's all that matters. princess is a pirate. why? because my little two year old loves pirates. she is the cutest little buccaneer the world ever did see. she goes around saying, "arrrrr, matey" in her adorable toddler voice, only she does it deeper and gravely and sounds just like a pirate toddler should. everyone fawns all over it, including her mama. the kids are falling in love with halloween, probably thanks to me, and think witches and ghosts and skeletons and bats are the coolest things ever.
and, for your viewing pleasure, the pretty awesome sign my mom helped me make yesterday:
so i'm pretty sure that's about it...at least i hope so. :) i kind of miss my blog, even though its purpose (to help me heal and hopefully help others) has been mostly served, at least on my end. i hope i still have new readers coming across the blog and finding some kind of inspiration and maybe comfort in knowing they aren't alone. i definitely don't want to start over with a new one. after three years with this blog, and several hundred posts, it's hard to imagine a new one. i've probably lost most of my readers, though---if you're still there, still reading, let me know you're here, and how you're doing. it would be nice to kind of catch up with a lot of you.
until next time!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
being a mother
sometimes being a mother is so hard.
don't get me wrong. i wouldn't trade my kids for ANYTHING. being a mom is the best thing in the whole world. i love them to death and i love being a mom. but that doesn't make it easy.
my poor baby is sick again. she's got bronchiolitis. coughing, chest congestion...no fun. this poor little girl is sick all the time, i swear! it breaks my heart every time she coughs. i feel so helpless...there's nothing i can do. i just want to take it all away from her.
little buddy just got over being sick, too. some kind of stomach flu. poor kid. he spent a day vomiting. one good thing about it, he was sick enough to want to cuddle. he sat in bed with me and cuddled a whole morning! he hasn't done that since he was a baby. i'm glad he's doing better.
i took princess to the doctor today, since she is sick. i'm sure i looked rather comical. little buddy has discovered a new game. when you hold his hand so he can walk, he goes limp in the knees and throws himself on the ground. pretty frustrating when you're in the middle of a parking lot. so...i picked him up. i wish someone would have taken a picture of this. i had a giant (and i mean giant) diaperbag and my very large purse (which is, in fact, a cool looking laptop bag, just to tell you how big it is) on one shoulder. in my arms, a squirming toddler who is very large for his age. i was clutching his pants and holding on for dear life. poor kid probably had the wedgie from hell. in the other hand, i was toting princess' carseat. this girl weighs nearly sixteen pounds. she is not light. so, hip jutted out trying to keep little buddy from slipping, his pants scrunched up, hauling a heavy carseat, and frazzled because buddy is squirming, baby is coughing, and we better hurry up because there's a car coming....i can only imagine what it looked like.
friday is little buddy's birthday. he will be two. i really just want to cry about it. does that make me pathetic? i'm sure it does. my baby is growing up. he's becoming more independent. he refuses help now going down the stairs. "no! no! no!" is what i hear from him, all day, because he wants to do it himself. he's so big! so grown up! i just can't believe it. i just want to hold him and cuddle him and have him be my baby boy forever.
on the other hand, i sure can't wait for the toddler tantrums to pass. the whining...the not listening...well, on the other hand, i guess that doesn't really go away, does it? i still don't listen to my parents, haha. and i'm sure hubby will gladly attest to my whining.
i wish i could make my kids eternally happy. i don't ever want them to be sick, or hurt, or upset, or scared. i don't want them to experience all of the terrible things that i have, that their daddy has. i want to protect them from the scary parts of the world. i want them to learn, and grow, and be healthy and safe and secure and confident. too bad keeping them in a padded room won't foster that...at least they'd be safe, right?
everyone told me how hard being a parent would be. i knew it would be hard. but i was not prepared for how hard it actually would be. and i'm not just talking about screaming babies at 3 am, and diaper blowouts in the middle of the car shop, and carrying a toddler and a baby, and living on little sleep, and the money, and all. i'm talking about how hard it is to watch your child and know all of the terrible things that are out there in the world. to see your sweet baby be sick and know there isn't a thing you can do about it. to watch your son fall on the sidewalk and scrape his hand...to hurt for the damage they will incur from society, from the hard knocks of life. to worry about their happiness. to wonder if they will be teased in school, if they will have friends, what kind of things they'll be up against, just to be who they are. my heart aches with the desire to protect them from every negative thing out there.
sigh. i better stop this line of thinking before it gets out of hand.
how do you be a parent, knowing that such bad things are out there, and still be okay?
i can't imagine how my parents must have felt when they found out they had failed to protect me from my uncle...what a betrayal of trust, what a massive blow, knowing that their baby was hurt and they hadn't prevented it.
i don't know what i would do if i found out someone hurt my babies like that.
guess you could all visit me in prison.
don't get me wrong. i wouldn't trade my kids for ANYTHING. being a mom is the best thing in the whole world. i love them to death and i love being a mom. but that doesn't make it easy.
my poor baby is sick again. she's got bronchiolitis. coughing, chest congestion...no fun. this poor little girl is sick all the time, i swear! it breaks my heart every time she coughs. i feel so helpless...there's nothing i can do. i just want to take it all away from her.
little buddy just got over being sick, too. some kind of stomach flu. poor kid. he spent a day vomiting. one good thing about it, he was sick enough to want to cuddle. he sat in bed with me and cuddled a whole morning! he hasn't done that since he was a baby. i'm glad he's doing better.
i took princess to the doctor today, since she is sick. i'm sure i looked rather comical. little buddy has discovered a new game. when you hold his hand so he can walk, he goes limp in the knees and throws himself on the ground. pretty frustrating when you're in the middle of a parking lot. so...i picked him up. i wish someone would have taken a picture of this. i had a giant (and i mean giant) diaperbag and my very large purse (which is, in fact, a cool looking laptop bag, just to tell you how big it is) on one shoulder. in my arms, a squirming toddler who is very large for his age. i was clutching his pants and holding on for dear life. poor kid probably had the wedgie from hell. in the other hand, i was toting princess' carseat. this girl weighs nearly sixteen pounds. she is not light. so, hip jutted out trying to keep little buddy from slipping, his pants scrunched up, hauling a heavy carseat, and frazzled because buddy is squirming, baby is coughing, and we better hurry up because there's a car coming....i can only imagine what it looked like.
friday is little buddy's birthday. he will be two. i really just want to cry about it. does that make me pathetic? i'm sure it does. my baby is growing up. he's becoming more independent. he refuses help now going down the stairs. "no! no! no!" is what i hear from him, all day, because he wants to do it himself. he's so big! so grown up! i just can't believe it. i just want to hold him and cuddle him and have him be my baby boy forever.
on the other hand, i sure can't wait for the toddler tantrums to pass. the whining...the not listening...well, on the other hand, i guess that doesn't really go away, does it? i still don't listen to my parents, haha. and i'm sure hubby will gladly attest to my whining.
i wish i could make my kids eternally happy. i don't ever want them to be sick, or hurt, or upset, or scared. i don't want them to experience all of the terrible things that i have, that their daddy has. i want to protect them from the scary parts of the world. i want them to learn, and grow, and be healthy and safe and secure and confident. too bad keeping them in a padded room won't foster that...at least they'd be safe, right?
everyone told me how hard being a parent would be. i knew it would be hard. but i was not prepared for how hard it actually would be. and i'm not just talking about screaming babies at 3 am, and diaper blowouts in the middle of the car shop, and carrying a toddler and a baby, and living on little sleep, and the money, and all. i'm talking about how hard it is to watch your child and know all of the terrible things that are out there in the world. to see your sweet baby be sick and know there isn't a thing you can do about it. to watch your son fall on the sidewalk and scrape his hand...to hurt for the damage they will incur from society, from the hard knocks of life. to worry about their happiness. to wonder if they will be teased in school, if they will have friends, what kind of things they'll be up against, just to be who they are. my heart aches with the desire to protect them from every negative thing out there.
sigh. i better stop this line of thinking before it gets out of hand.
how do you be a parent, knowing that such bad things are out there, and still be okay?
i can't imagine how my parents must have felt when they found out they had failed to protect me from my uncle...what a betrayal of trust, what a massive blow, knowing that their baby was hurt and they hadn't prevented it.
i don't know what i would do if i found out someone hurt my babies like that.
guess you could all visit me in prison.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
she's here!
monday afternoon was my last appointment with my doctor. it was my due date and boy was i feeling sorry for myself, i was still pregnant and still uncomfortable! my doctor told me that if i hadn't gone into labor before friday, they would induce me. so we scheduled the induction for 7 am friday morning.
we got all of our plans put together for the weekend, who would take care of little buddy, got the house cleaned, bag packed, etc. thursday night my in-laws took us out to eat at olive garden, and i started having contractions. by midnight that night they were about 10 minutes apart and getting more painful. i went into labor the night before i was supposed to be induced.
we arrived at the hospital about 6 am and i was in some major pain--lots of back labor. i had already progressed to about 5.5 cm and we were thrilled. an epidural and a few hours later, our little princess was born, at 11:34 am.
she was 8 pounds, 6 ounces, about 5 ounces heavier than her brother. she was 2o.5 cm long--exactly the same as her brother. and she was beautiful! the delivery was a breeze compared to little buddy and i can't believe how quickly i have recovered already. we brought her home on sunday.
i still can't believe that i'm a mommy of two now. hubby has been such a great help--doing so much with little buddy and our new little princess. he's helping me at night and letting me sleep during the day. little buddy is doing really well with the adjustment so far i think. he's listening a little less and today he refused to nap, but overall i've been happy with how well he's done. he's a great big brother and i can tell he loves his little sister.
having two kids now isn't just twice the work--i think it's more like ten times the work. but so far it has definitely been worth it. i'm loving all the little pink things all over the house and the sweet little sounds she makes. i love how soft her dark hair is and the way she looks at me in the few minutes she's awake.
being a mommy sure is the best thing in the world.
we got all of our plans put together for the weekend, who would take care of little buddy, got the house cleaned, bag packed, etc. thursday night my in-laws took us out to eat at olive garden, and i started having contractions. by midnight that night they were about 10 minutes apart and getting more painful. i went into labor the night before i was supposed to be induced.
we arrived at the hospital about 6 am and i was in some major pain--lots of back labor. i had already progressed to about 5.5 cm and we were thrilled. an epidural and a few hours later, our little princess was born, at 11:34 am.
she was 8 pounds, 6 ounces, about 5 ounces heavier than her brother. she was 2o.5 cm long--exactly the same as her brother. and she was beautiful! the delivery was a breeze compared to little buddy and i can't believe how quickly i have recovered already. we brought her home on sunday.
i still can't believe that i'm a mommy of two now. hubby has been such a great help--doing so much with little buddy and our new little princess. he's helping me at night and letting me sleep during the day. little buddy is doing really well with the adjustment so far i think. he's listening a little less and today he refused to nap, but overall i've been happy with how well he's done. he's a great big brother and i can tell he loves his little sister.
having two kids now isn't just twice the work--i think it's more like ten times the work. but so far it has definitely been worth it. i'm loving all the little pink things all over the house and the sweet little sounds she makes. i love how soft her dark hair is and the way she looks at me in the few minutes she's awake.
being a mommy sure is the best thing in the world.
Monday, May 25, 2009
dear 16...
hey, everyone go check out my guest post at mormon mommy blogs! i'm excited it's finally up!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
the mommy times
this made me laugh and cheered me up a little.
a friend of my mom (and family), Bettijo (pronounced Betty Joe, in case you were wondering), runs a blog called the mommy times. it's a great blog, full of good stories and helpful tips.
this morning my mom sent me an email and told me i should check out this post. the email said:
want to find out why i'm "infamous"? you better read this article....it's appropriately called "Babysitter's Worst Nightmare". and i promise it will make you laugh. and think about what angels your children are.
(and the fact that my mother used the term 'LOL' made me laugh even more. ha!)
a friend of my mom (and family), Bettijo (pronounced Betty Joe, in case you were wondering), runs a blog called the mommy times. it's a great blog, full of good stories and helpful tips.
this morning my mom sent me an email and told me i should check out this post. the email said:
Thought you might like to know... you are "infamous". LOL Bettijo emailed me last week and asked for some stories. I shared several, but she posted this on the mommy times. Read it, it'll make you laugh! It's fun to look back! I have to admit, when she said it was sent in by a grandma, I wondered why she sent it to me, I figured it must have been written by her mom. I forget I wear that title now...Have a great day- Love you- Mom
want to find out why i'm "infamous"? you better read this article....it's appropriately called "Babysitter's Worst Nightmare". and i promise it will make you laugh. and think about what angels your children are.
(and the fact that my mother used the term 'LOL' made me laugh even more. ha!)
Friday, February 20, 2009
fun to be one!
yesterday was my baby's birthday. i can't believe he is one. the last year has just flown by. he looks so grown up my heart aches. i feel as if i have missed the first year of his life, even though i was there watching him grow and learn. it is incredible the changes a single year can bring. my sweet boy is a toddler now. i feel like an outsider already. i can't imagine how hard it will be when he is a teenager!
things have been increasingly difficult for me over the past week. i am getting more sick. my headaches are so painful i want to cry every time i speak or move. i am dizzy and weak. i'm stressed out beyond belief. hubby is having a very hard time as well and that makes me feel guilty. i feel terrible that i have not been working; we desperately need the money. he has been keeping the house clean and taking care of the baby. yesterday we got into an argument and i lost my temper (again). financially we are close to losing everything. his anxiety is through the roof and i can't help him. i feel like a terrible wife, and a terrible mother, because i have been so sick i can't give my son the attention i want to.
i am having nightmares more and more. nothing so far related to the abuse. but nightmares still. i hate them. i don't sleep well as it is. the nights i wake up shaking are terrible. last night i woke from a nightmare and saw the face of a woman in front of me, her eyes boring into me, a half-smile on her face as if she knew something horrible that i didn't. i know it was from my dream, and i was in a waking nightmare. when i closed my eyes she was still there staring at me. within a few minutes i fell back asleep and it was gone. more often i have been having those...apparitions...hallucinations...when i am half-asleep and waking from a nightmare. one night i awoke from a nightmare to find spiders crawling up my wall. (i am terrified of spiders and frequently have nightmares about them.) it took me blinking and clearing my head for a few minutes before they went away and i could relax again. these dreams become increasingly real and i hate it.
it disgusts and angers me the way that the abuse i have been through permeates every part of my life and who i am. it makes me sick to think about how i could be if i hadn't been so traumatized. because of someone else's choices i will suffer, my family will suffer. i don't understand how someone could possibly think it is okay to hurt a child, especially in such a sexual and perverse way. i am tired of being angry all the time. i am tired of hating myself. i am tired of being afraid. i am tired of the nightmares, the panic attacks, the flashbacks. i am tired of this interfering so negatively with my marriage.
i want it to end. i just want it all to go away. but it never will. no matter how much i work at this it will always be there. sure, i may feel better, it may affect my life less negatively eventually, but after ten years of working on it i am still struggling. will it never just...end?
things have been increasingly difficult for me over the past week. i am getting more sick. my headaches are so painful i want to cry every time i speak or move. i am dizzy and weak. i'm stressed out beyond belief. hubby is having a very hard time as well and that makes me feel guilty. i feel terrible that i have not been working; we desperately need the money. he has been keeping the house clean and taking care of the baby. yesterday we got into an argument and i lost my temper (again). financially we are close to losing everything. his anxiety is through the roof and i can't help him. i feel like a terrible wife, and a terrible mother, because i have been so sick i can't give my son the attention i want to.
i am having nightmares more and more. nothing so far related to the abuse. but nightmares still. i hate them. i don't sleep well as it is. the nights i wake up shaking are terrible. last night i woke from a nightmare and saw the face of a woman in front of me, her eyes boring into me, a half-smile on her face as if she knew something horrible that i didn't. i know it was from my dream, and i was in a waking nightmare. when i closed my eyes she was still there staring at me. within a few minutes i fell back asleep and it was gone. more often i have been having those...apparitions...hallucinations...when i am half-asleep and waking from a nightmare. one night i awoke from a nightmare to find spiders crawling up my wall. (i am terrified of spiders and frequently have nightmares about them.) it took me blinking and clearing my head for a few minutes before they went away and i could relax again. these dreams become increasingly real and i hate it.
it disgusts and angers me the way that the abuse i have been through permeates every part of my life and who i am. it makes me sick to think about how i could be if i hadn't been so traumatized. because of someone else's choices i will suffer, my family will suffer. i don't understand how someone could possibly think it is okay to hurt a child, especially in such a sexual and perverse way. i am tired of being angry all the time. i am tired of hating myself. i am tired of being afraid. i am tired of the nightmares, the panic attacks, the flashbacks. i am tired of this interfering so negatively with my marriage.
i want it to end. i just want it all to go away. but it never will. no matter how much i work at this it will always be there. sure, i may feel better, it may affect my life less negatively eventually, but after ten years of working on it i am still struggling. will it never just...end?
Friday, January 16, 2009
annunciation
this is an automatically generated post, because i am away for a few days, working on getting my life in order. i would love to come back to an inbox full of comments, from my readers sharing their thoughts with me. so please leave a comment!
much of the art world revolves around religious art, especially throughout the baroque and pre-renaissance and renaissance periods. many paintings were done of a single biblical occurrence. i've always loved to compare these, especially across time periods. recently i've been intrigued with depictions of the annunciation.
what do you think mary was feeling as the angel told her she was to carry the Son of God?
what do you think she felt? fear? excitement? inadequacy? determination?
i've wondered if she ever shed tears over her calling. if she was just so scared of failure. if she thought she couldn't do it, even for a moment. or was she chosen to be the mother of Christ because Heavenly Father thought she wouldn't feel that way?
as a mother myself, i feel fear, and doubt, and uncertainty about my own calling. i worry about what kind of a mother i will be and if i can provide everything necessary to my children. what must mary have thought, knowing she would be the mother to Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world?
much of the art world revolves around religious art, especially throughout the baroque and pre-renaissance and renaissance periods. many paintings were done of a single biblical occurrence. i've always loved to compare these, especially across time periods. recently i've been intrigued with depictions of the annunciation.
artist: Fra Angelico
what do you think mary was feeling as the angel told her she was to carry the Son of God?
artist: Francesco de Goya
what do you think she felt? fear? excitement? inadequacy? determination?
artist: Leonardo da Vinci
i've wondered if she ever shed tears over her calling. if she was just so scared of failure. if she thought she couldn't do it, even for a moment. or was she chosen to be the mother of Christ because Heavenly Father thought she wouldn't feel that way?
artist: Sandro Botticelli
i think that she probably did. she was scared, unsure of herself, afraid of what would happen. she was human, just like you and i, and i can't possibly believe that Heavenly Father expected her to take such a difficult calling without any doubts, ever. we are all given challenges, we are all given difficulties in life. i'm sure many people would be upset at my view of Ave Maria, especially those religions that pray to her. i love the catholic view on Mary, that she is benevolent, an intercessor on their behalf. the quintessential mother-figure to everyone on earth.as a mother myself, i feel fear, and doubt, and uncertainty about my own calling. i worry about what kind of a mother i will be and if i can provide everything necessary to my children. what must mary have thought, knowing she would be the mother to Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world?
artist: El Greco
if you are a parent, what do you think, how did you feel when you discovered you were expecting a child? if you are not, how do you think you would feel?
Sunday, January 4, 2009
the mother i want to be
i scrapbooked last night. while i couldn't sleep. i did some pictures from last april and may. i was amazed at how much little buddy has changed. he has grown up so fast. i feel as if i'm missing it, when he is right before my eyes.
will i remember exactly what it is like? will i remember his little wave, and the way he is when i walk into his room in the morning? will i remember the way he climbs on me to give me hugs when i'm sitting on the floor? will i remember how he pulls the laundry out of the basket or how he tries to chew on my cell phone? will i remember that little face he makes at me, when his eyebrows go up?
i am looking forward to his getting older. i'm excited for the day he tells me he loves me. i'm excited for him to be able to feed himself and dress himself. i can't wait to be that proud mamma at the school christmas program. i'm excited to see who he will become as he grows up.
how will he remember me? when he is an adult, how will he look back at his childhood? will he remember a mom who is a total basketcase (which i am), whose behavior is completely erratic, who loved him but wasn't capable of taking care of him the way he needed? will he remember a mother who was there for him, emotionally and physically, who made sure he had everything he needed, who loved him and taught him well?
when i look back on my own childhood, it was a mess most of the time. my mother, whom i love, is bipolar. she wasn't diagnosed with bipolar disorder until i was 17, but she suffered from it for years. her behavior was extremely unpredictable. her mood swings nearly unbearable. i know my mother loved me. but she could not provide the support i needed sometimes, because she was emotionally incapable of doing so, not because she didn't want to.
last night i was talking to my mom. i haven't told her anything about my recent struggles with depression or my flashbacks. but she could tell. twice she asked me if i was ok, both times i told her i was fine. then the third time she said, "are you sure you're okay? you sound really down." so i told her. i told her i've been having nightmares, and flashbacks, and struggling with depression. i told her i was going back to counseling. (tomorrow, by the way.) and instead of the reaction i thought i would get, that i've gotten so many times (we have provided every opportunity for you to get help and you just don't seem to want to work at it. now you are going back to counseling and you should have taken advantage of it when you were at home with us), i was shocked. do you know what she said to me? "i'm so glad you're going back to counseling. and please know that i am here for you. if you ever need to talk, you can always call me, no matter what time." she said that twice.
i am so glad my relationship with my mother is better now that i am an adult. but it saddens me that we didn't have that when i was growing up. not all of it was because of her mental illness. part of it was mine, too. my depression, my anger after being abused, and the fact that i didn't want to understand her issues. she has come a long way since i was a kid. she is still off the wall a lot, she complains (and yells) almost all the time. but at least she tries so hard to be understanding and supportive.
my greatest fear is (and has been for a long time) that my kids will think about me the way i thought about my mother when i was a kid. when i was little i was terrified of her. when i was a teenager, i hated her. (most kids hate their parents, i get that. but i'm pretty sure my issues went further than most.) even after i grew up and moved out, i couldn't stand her. my friends know how crazy she can be. most of them were scared of her, too, i think. so will i be like that? will my mental illness interfere with my ability to be a good mother all of the time?
i'm so proud of my mom for everything she has done to change. i'm proud of her for continuing to work on it in her own way, even though she can be difficult to be around sometimes. i'm grateful for all of the good things she has taught me. she taught me a lot of good things, mixed in with the bad. i know she did her best now, now that i am a mother, now that i am dealing with some of the same issues she has.
i hope that i can overcome this. i hope that i will be able to find the resources to fix myself. that i will find the strength to do so, and the desire to keep it up even when it's hard. i hope that i can be a better wife and a better mother. i hope that my son will not remember a mother who is depressed all the time. i hope that he will remember the good things i did for him, the way i loved him with everything i had. i hope we can have a positive relationship throughout his entire life, not just when he's an adult.
will i remember exactly what it is like? will i remember his little wave, and the way he is when i walk into his room in the morning? will i remember the way he climbs on me to give me hugs when i'm sitting on the floor? will i remember how he pulls the laundry out of the basket or how he tries to chew on my cell phone? will i remember that little face he makes at me, when his eyebrows go up?
i am looking forward to his getting older. i'm excited for the day he tells me he loves me. i'm excited for him to be able to feed himself and dress himself. i can't wait to be that proud mamma at the school christmas program. i'm excited to see who he will become as he grows up.
how will he remember me? when he is an adult, how will he look back at his childhood? will he remember a mom who is a total basketcase (which i am), whose behavior is completely erratic, who loved him but wasn't capable of taking care of him the way he needed? will he remember a mother who was there for him, emotionally and physically, who made sure he had everything he needed, who loved him and taught him well?
when i look back on my own childhood, it was a mess most of the time. my mother, whom i love, is bipolar. she wasn't diagnosed with bipolar disorder until i was 17, but she suffered from it for years. her behavior was extremely unpredictable. her mood swings nearly unbearable. i know my mother loved me. but she could not provide the support i needed sometimes, because she was emotionally incapable of doing so, not because she didn't want to.
last night i was talking to my mom. i haven't told her anything about my recent struggles with depression or my flashbacks. but she could tell. twice she asked me if i was ok, both times i told her i was fine. then the third time she said, "are you sure you're okay? you sound really down." so i told her. i told her i've been having nightmares, and flashbacks, and struggling with depression. i told her i was going back to counseling. (tomorrow, by the way.) and instead of the reaction i thought i would get, that i've gotten so many times (we have provided every opportunity for you to get help and you just don't seem to want to work at it. now you are going back to counseling and you should have taken advantage of it when you were at home with us), i was shocked. do you know what she said to me? "i'm so glad you're going back to counseling. and please know that i am here for you. if you ever need to talk, you can always call me, no matter what time." she said that twice.
i am so glad my relationship with my mother is better now that i am an adult. but it saddens me that we didn't have that when i was growing up. not all of it was because of her mental illness. part of it was mine, too. my depression, my anger after being abused, and the fact that i didn't want to understand her issues. she has come a long way since i was a kid. she is still off the wall a lot, she complains (and yells) almost all the time. but at least she tries so hard to be understanding and supportive.
my greatest fear is (and has been for a long time) that my kids will think about me the way i thought about my mother when i was a kid. when i was little i was terrified of her. when i was a teenager, i hated her. (most kids hate their parents, i get that. but i'm pretty sure my issues went further than most.) even after i grew up and moved out, i couldn't stand her. my friends know how crazy she can be. most of them were scared of her, too, i think. so will i be like that? will my mental illness interfere with my ability to be a good mother all of the time?
i'm so proud of my mom for everything she has done to change. i'm proud of her for continuing to work on it in her own way, even though she can be difficult to be around sometimes. i'm grateful for all of the good things she has taught me. she taught me a lot of good things, mixed in with the bad. i know she did her best now, now that i am a mother, now that i am dealing with some of the same issues she has.
i hope that i can overcome this. i hope that i will be able to find the resources to fix myself. that i will find the strength to do so, and the desire to keep it up even when it's hard. i hope that i can be a better wife and a better mother. i hope that my son will not remember a mother who is depressed all the time. i hope that he will remember the good things i did for him, the way i loved him with everything i had. i hope we can have a positive relationship throughout his entire life, not just when he's an adult.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
me, a slacker? i don't think so-oo!
whew! what a busy week it has been. i know i have been slacking here in the blogging world but i've been working my butt off in the real world. so sorry for those of you who care that i've been absent. :)
last night was our christmas party, and if i may say so, i believe it was a smashing success. i was a little worried about where we were going to put everyone, but it turns out we had just enough space! we had yummy food that our guests brought and played some awesome games. charades (always a classic), a gift wrapping race and some trivia games. and then to end the night a white elephant exchange. i think our guests had a good time. i know i enjoyed myself, and so did hubby. and little buddy miraculously slept through it all!
today we went christmas shopping for little buddy as well. it was fun to find gifts for him then bring them home to wrap. we have gifts under our tree now. now we'll have to see if they can stay there, because i'm pretty sure little buddy will want to unwrap them.
tonight hubby is out with some friends. he is looking at joining a local masonic lodge. one of his good friends/coworkers is a mason. hubby has been very interested in it for a long time--before he met his friend. he is really interested in the history, and tradition, and comraderie that comes with being involved in the lodge. he is also looking for something to help him become a better person, husband, and father. the masons do a lot of community service. he's checking things out, meeting the members of the lodge, and learning more about it. i'm glad that he is doing something for himself, something that will help him be happier. i don't know a whole ton about masonic beliefs, but what i do know is positive. (the feminist in me is a little ticked that it's a fraternal group, but if it makes my hubby happy then i'm good with it. :) i tend to get a little bent out of shape over dumb things like that...)
so while hubby is out making new friends i'm chillin' at home. poor little buddy had kind of a bad night, and i'm not really sure why. he normally doesn't cry at bed and he just howled for 45 minutes. he wouldn't really eat before bed, either....poor kid. he finally fell asleep and he's been sleeping like a rock. my guess is he's growing and was totally exhausted. it's so hard to listen to my boy cry, especially like that. it's even harder when i get frustrated. i'm not a very patient person, but i have been amazed at the patience and understanding i've had with little buddy. but for some reason tonight i was lacking in the patience department. i finally put him in the crib, sat downstairs and listened to him cry...and get more and more anxious and frustrated. then he fell asleep and i sat feeling like a terrible mother for getting so worked up over something so small. so now i'm watching law and order: svu and hate/loving it (i always hate/love the episodes having to do with sexual crimes....hate watching it and reliving my own issues and love watching those bastards get what they deserve in the end) and waiting for hubby to come home.
so now i'm off to chug-a-lug the leftover pepsi in the fridge and do some more hate/loving while watching l&osvu.
last night was our christmas party, and if i may say so, i believe it was a smashing success. i was a little worried about where we were going to put everyone, but it turns out we had just enough space! we had yummy food that our guests brought and played some awesome games. charades (always a classic), a gift wrapping race and some trivia games. and then to end the night a white elephant exchange. i think our guests had a good time. i know i enjoyed myself, and so did hubby. and little buddy miraculously slept through it all!
today we went christmas shopping for little buddy as well. it was fun to find gifts for him then bring them home to wrap. we have gifts under our tree now. now we'll have to see if they can stay there, because i'm pretty sure little buddy will want to unwrap them.
tonight hubby is out with some friends. he is looking at joining a local masonic lodge. one of his good friends/coworkers is a mason. hubby has been very interested in it for a long time--before he met his friend. he is really interested in the history, and tradition, and comraderie that comes with being involved in the lodge. he is also looking for something to help him become a better person, husband, and father. the masons do a lot of community service. he's checking things out, meeting the members of the lodge, and learning more about it. i'm glad that he is doing something for himself, something that will help him be happier. i don't know a whole ton about masonic beliefs, but what i do know is positive. (the feminist in me is a little ticked that it's a fraternal group, but if it makes my hubby happy then i'm good with it. :) i tend to get a little bent out of shape over dumb things like that...)
so while hubby is out making new friends i'm chillin' at home. poor little buddy had kind of a bad night, and i'm not really sure why. he normally doesn't cry at bed and he just howled for 45 minutes. he wouldn't really eat before bed, either....poor kid. he finally fell asleep and he's been sleeping like a rock. my guess is he's growing and was totally exhausted. it's so hard to listen to my boy cry, especially like that. it's even harder when i get frustrated. i'm not a very patient person, but i have been amazed at the patience and understanding i've had with little buddy. but for some reason tonight i was lacking in the patience department. i finally put him in the crib, sat downstairs and listened to him cry...and get more and more anxious and frustrated. then he fell asleep and i sat feeling like a terrible mother for getting so worked up over something so small. so now i'm watching law and order: svu and hate/loving it (i always hate/love the episodes having to do with sexual crimes....hate watching it and reliving my own issues and love watching those bastards get what they deserve in the end) and waiting for hubby to come home.
so now i'm off to chug-a-lug the leftover pepsi in the fridge and do some more hate/loving while watching l&osvu.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
a few things i love most about being a mommy
the way little buddy giggles when i tickle him (and how giggly he gets at night when he's tired---you look at him and he laughs hysterically!)
how big he grins at me!
the compliments we get from people about what a good baby he is and how adorable he is (because he is the cutest, most well-behaved baby i've ever seen!)
the way he watches me when i'm moving around
baby toes...baby fingers...baby hair (like cornsilk)...his BIG blue eyes...soft baby skin...his cute little baby bum...baby fat rolls on his thighs....tiny little teeth...
how he will crawl after me if i go into another room
the way he reaches out for me to hold him
when i pick him up he (usually) stops crying--even if someone else was already holding him
getting to cuddle with him when he eats. he used to be so cuddly--he wouldn't sleep at all unless he was being held. now he won't sleep at all if he is held. he has so much energy, the only time he will sit still and let me cuddle him is when he's eating.
getting up with him at night, when it's quiet and dark, and nursing him. i love to just hold him and watch him eat. (even though getting up a lot at night isn't so fun.)
watching him grow and learn new things. i can't believe how big he is, and how fast he is learning. i bet he will be walking very soon, and he's only 9 months old.
listening to the way he "sings" himself to sleep
watching him with my husband. he sure loves his daddy.
listening to him talk. he loves to hear himself make noise!
seeing him sleep at night, with his legs curled under him and his butt stuck up in the air.
getting to dress him in fun clothes, and watch as he grows out of them (so fast!)
having a reason to walk down the toy aisle at wal-mart :)
how he will reach out and touch my face when i'm holding him
seeing his personality emerge as he gets older
knowing (usually!) why he is upset, and what he needs, and how to take care of it
the way he climbs all over everything
how he puts a toy in his mouth and crawls around with it dangling
the sound of him panting like a dog--he loves to do that!
being so proud of him, and feeling more love for him than i ever thought was possible
learning more about myself, who i am and what kind of person i can be, just by being a mother
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what are your favorite things about being a mommy (or daddy)? and if you don't have kids yet, what do you look forward to the most?
how big he grins at me!
the compliments we get from people about what a good baby he is and how adorable he is (because he is the cutest, most well-behaved baby i've ever seen!)
the way he watches me when i'm moving around
baby toes...baby fingers...baby hair (like cornsilk)...his BIG blue eyes...soft baby skin...his cute little baby bum...baby fat rolls on his thighs....tiny little teeth...
how he will crawl after me if i go into another room
the way he reaches out for me to hold him
when i pick him up he (usually) stops crying--even if someone else was already holding him
getting to cuddle with him when he eats. he used to be so cuddly--he wouldn't sleep at all unless he was being held. now he won't sleep at all if he is held. he has so much energy, the only time he will sit still and let me cuddle him is when he's eating.
getting up with him at night, when it's quiet and dark, and nursing him. i love to just hold him and watch him eat. (even though getting up a lot at night isn't so fun.)
watching him grow and learn new things. i can't believe how big he is, and how fast he is learning. i bet he will be walking very soon, and he's only 9 months old.
listening to the way he "sings" himself to sleep
watching him with my husband. he sure loves his daddy.
listening to him talk. he loves to hear himself make noise!
seeing him sleep at night, with his legs curled under him and his butt stuck up in the air.
getting to dress him in fun clothes, and watch as he grows out of them (so fast!)
having a reason to walk down the toy aisle at wal-mart :)
how he will reach out and touch my face when i'm holding him
seeing his personality emerge as he gets older
knowing (usually!) why he is upset, and what he needs, and how to take care of it
the way he climbs all over everything
how he puts a toy in his mouth and crawls around with it dangling
the sound of him panting like a dog--he loves to do that!
being so proud of him, and feeling more love for him than i ever thought was possible
learning more about myself, who i am and what kind of person i can be, just by being a mother
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what are your favorite things about being a mommy (or daddy)? and if you don't have kids yet, what do you look forward to the most?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
what i think should change as i get older
no more zits. seriously. i thought i'd get out of my teen years and be acne free---HA! yeah, right!
i should be more mature. no more of this stupid teenage angst crap. but i still get that...way too often. mood swings...immature emotions...over reacting to stupid stuff...egh.
i should be uber-intelligent. i mean, i know i'm smart. i've never lacked in the brain area. but i should be even smarter, and able to quote the dictionary or something, right? instead i'm LOSING brain cells. that shouldn't happen until i'm about 75 or so.
i should still have a social life. you know, go out with friends and such. i got married and my single friends basically fell off the map. since now that i'm married i'm boring and all....and my married friends are busy. okay, i'm busy. but i should still have a social life, darn it. (we do go out with our married friends...like every couple of months or so. i just mean MORE.)
i should be making like fifty grand a year now that i'm older and wiser (haha). but i don't think that will happen.
i should be debt free. nope!
i should be incredi-mom. you know, super-wife. still lacking there, too...i guess i have years to improve...but my poor hubby deserves more.
so now that i'm done with the "shoulds"....
i love that i'm a mommy now. and i have a super duper hubby. it is awesome to know that i have my own family--the cornnut and hubby and little buddy family. just us! when i say "my family" now i don't mean my parents and siblings. (not that they're not awesome too, but, you know.)
i love that i can make decisions with my hubby and on my own. no more asking for permission and being told no, unless i clean my room, do the dishes, etc.
i love that even though we have a lot of financial struggles, we both have good jobs. steady jobs. jobs that we WON'T GET FIRED FROM. :) (praises to hubby who got a freaking awesome review at work this week! and they want him to train newbies! yay!)
i love that i get to live with my best friend. no more saying goodbye at the end of a date. it's just us, together, forever. better than roommates!
so what are the pros/cons of getting older for you? it's not like i'm that old or anything...but it sure seems like i'm ancient some days.
i should be more mature. no more of this stupid teenage angst crap. but i still get that...way too often. mood swings...immature emotions...over reacting to stupid stuff...egh.
i should be uber-intelligent. i mean, i know i'm smart. i've never lacked in the brain area. but i should be even smarter, and able to quote the dictionary or something, right? instead i'm LOSING brain cells. that shouldn't happen until i'm about 75 or so.
i should still have a social life. you know, go out with friends and such. i got married and my single friends basically fell off the map. since now that i'm married i'm boring and all....and my married friends are busy. okay, i'm busy. but i should still have a social life, darn it. (we do go out with our married friends...like every couple of months or so. i just mean MORE.)
i should be making like fifty grand a year now that i'm older and wiser (haha). but i don't think that will happen.
i should be debt free. nope!
i should be incredi-mom. you know, super-wife. still lacking there, too...i guess i have years to improve...but my poor hubby deserves more.
so now that i'm done with the "shoulds"....
i love that i'm a mommy now. and i have a super duper hubby. it is awesome to know that i have my own family--the cornnut and hubby and little buddy family. just us! when i say "my family" now i don't mean my parents and siblings. (not that they're not awesome too, but, you know.)
i love that i can make decisions with my hubby and on my own. no more asking for permission and being told no, unless i clean my room, do the dishes, etc.
i love that even though we have a lot of financial struggles, we both have good jobs. steady jobs. jobs that we WON'T GET FIRED FROM. :) (praises to hubby who got a freaking awesome review at work this week! and they want him to train newbies! yay!)
i love that i get to live with my best friend. no more saying goodbye at the end of a date. it's just us, together, forever. better than roommates!
so what are the pros/cons of getting older for you? it's not like i'm that old or anything...but it sure seems like i'm ancient some days.
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