Beautiful People

The most beautiful people we have known
are those who have
known defeat,
known suffering,
known struggle,
known loss,
and have found their way out of the depths. 

These persons have
an appreciation,
a sensitivity,
and an understanding of life
that fills them with
compassion,
gentleness,
and a deep loving concern. 

Beautiful people do not just happen.

-Elizabeth Kubler Ros

Turning Darkness Into Light

In what ways can I use what I have learned from my abuse to help myself grow and to serve others?

Sometimes the Lord calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.

We have all heard popular sayings like this, designed to encourage us and push us forward.

A piece of coal must go through thousands of years of heat and pressure before it becomes a diamond.

A beautiful pearl is the result of irritation and pain caused by a single grain of sand.

As survivors we often feel that we have had all the heat, pressure, irritation and pain we can possibly handle! But, if we allow ourselves to look back at all the things we've learned, the wonderful people we've met, our increase in compassion and understanding, and our slowness to judge those around us, hopefully we can honestly say that we are grateful for what we have gained. We must learn to turn the darkness of the past into light.

As we struggle to make something good out of that which is so wrong and ugly, we can find hope and peace in the following scripture:

"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." (D&C 121:7-8)

Opening Volumes of Happiness

I think I may have shared this quote before, but I think it is so important that I need to share it again. Read it over and over, and really think about what he is saying to you.

"If you feel there is only a thin thread of hope, believe me, it is not a thread. It can be the unbreakable connecting link to the Lord which puts a life preserver around you. He will heal you as you cease to fear and place your trust in him by striving to live his teachings.

"Please, don't suffer more. Ask now for the Lord to help you. Decide now to talk to your bishop. Don't view all that you experience in life through lenses darkened by the scars of abuse. There is so much in life that is beautiful. Open the windows of your heart and let the love of the Savior in. And should ugly thoughts of past abuse come back, remember his love and his healing power. Your depression will be converted to peace and assurance. You will close an ugly chapter and open volumes of happiness."

Elder Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 1992

seeing past the grime

today i am feeling better physically. yesterday was awful.

with little buddy, i was really sick. i had terrible migraines and i would pass out for no apparent reason. dizziness, weakness, on top of the nausea/vomiting/exhaustion/other fun pregger stuff. i spent the majority of my pregnancy in bed wishing i could die, crying, and attempting to get rid of the pain by sleeping. i am really hoping that i don't have those problems, at least not as severe, with this pregnancy. i have already had issues with headaches, and yesterday was miserable. i had a terrible migraine complete with blurred vision and light/sound sensitivity. thankfully hubby is understanding and supportive.

i am still very stressed out about the timing of this baby. but the good news is that i am feeling better. i have been able to talk to hubby about my fear and my stress. i also got to talk to my mom about it today. although i am still scared out of my mind about my ability to handle my impending illness and take care of little buddy the way he needs and deserves, plus keep working to maintain my financial income, i am feeling better about it. i'm still not....exactly excited....but i am happier. in fact i am looking forward to having two beautiful babies. being a mother is the most fantastic thing in the world, the best thing i have ever experienced, and i imagine it only gets better as it gets harder.

both hubby and my mom said exactly the same thing to me today. things they have both said as long as they have known me. they told me that i am stronger than i think i am. that any failures come from me setting myself up, discouraging myself and beating myself up. not allowing myself to succeed. they both told me that i am a good person, a strong person, a wonderful mother. i have never really believed either of them. i try--but i don't think hard enough.

my mom brought over this picture she has had of me as long as i can remember--hanging in her bedroom. it is large, about 10x13, of me when i was about two years old. i am on the sidewalk by our house, bent at the knee and holding a couple dandelions. on the sidewalk next to me are a few more that i am picking up. i am smiling and happy. my mom cried when she gave me the picture. it is her favorite, one my grandmother had printed and gave to her. she said that she had been thinking about this picture a lot lately, especially with all of the struggles i have faced with the aftermath of my abuse. she felt inspired to bring it to me today. she told me to look at the picture, and use it to help me to find myself. to remember who i really am. that i am a strong, happy, daughter of God. that experiences do not determine who i am or whether i am a bad person or good. she said that she knows who i really am inside, that she knows i can find it--i just have a lot of things to clear out of the way before i can see it. she said she has watched me grow up, watched me struggle and fall, watched me in so much pain after what was taken from me. but in spite of all of that, she said she could always see what was inside of me, even when i couldn't. even though i still can't.

hubby says the same thing. although he hasn't known me my whole life, he didn't know me before i was abused, he can still see what i can't: the person i really am. he tells me how strong, and intelligent, and beautiful i am inside, and what a good person i am. i know he gets frustrated that i don't see it. i know it hurts him that i don't listen to him or believe him.

but maybe, just maybe, he is right. maybe my mom is right. maybe i am worth something. maybe i am a good person...maybe all of this junk, all of this pain, and hurt, and anger, and self-loathing is just hiding the true me. like a penny, left in the dirt, covered in grime. clean it off and it's beautiful, shining, pretty.

at this point i'm still too scared and hurt to see past the grime. but maybe there's a faint glimmer of hope....and although it's a cautious hope, it's still hope....like from pandora's box. thousands of ugly, terrible, horrible things, all covering the most important thing in the world: HOPE.

i'm back!

so my little break is over, and i feel rejuvenated and hopeful. it's kind of a weird feeling, this optimism and hope. i'm almost afraid to be feeling this way, i'm afraid it's not real, that it won't last. but i am holding on to every shred of happiness i can right now. and i am so happy to be back with my family.

thank you all for your comments while i was gone! i was SHOCKED and just THRILLED to come back to find 61 new emails! 61! holy cow! i've never been so popular. i should go away more often.....(okay, not really.)

also, please forgive me for not catching up on all of your blog posts over the last week. i opened my reader and saw that i had 316 unread items. there was my second holy cow, only not a thrilled one. (haha!) so i did just hit the "mark all as read" button. i will be back to reading your blogs as you post them. there is no way i can go back and read everything i've missed.

i hope that you are all doing well and have had a good week. thanks again for all of your comments. :)

good mooooorning, good moooooooorning!

so 2009 is here. i just started a new year in my life: i turned 23 a few days ago, and the world moved into a new year as well. i hope that this next year will be full of more ups than downs.

i had another rough night last night. no nightmares (thank goodness) but i think our mattress needs to go the way of the dodo bird. my body aches, and my joints ache, and my neck hurts, and my back hurts, and i blame it completely on that piece of crap. oh well, at least i have a mattress, right? i could be sleeping on the floor covered in burlap sacks.

i took down all of our christmas decorations yesterday. it's crazy how much bigger the house feels, and kind of empty, too. but cleaner, which is nice. i also did a speed clean of the house, because i thought my grandma was going to come see it but she didn't. too bad....but at least the house is sorta clean now. today i have laundry and dishes to do. (gross!)

well off i go to clean the house. i hope everyone had a fantastic new year's!

becoming Lazarus

when i was a senior in high school, i took an advanced lit class. one of the books we were required to read was crime and punishment, by fyodor dostoevsky. this is a pretty standard required read in high school and even in college. i never had a desire to read it, but as i got into the novel i was immediately hooked. i have since read it six times and it has become one of my favorite books. (if you haven't read it, i would highly suggest that you do.)

the novel follows a young man, rodion romanovitch raskolnikov. raskolnikov is a poverty stricken, intelligent, moody person. he hates being around other people. he has a theory that there are two kinds of people: the regular, common people, bound by laws. the second kind of people are the "napoleons" of the world, those who are not bound by law. these people can, and in fact are morally obligated to, commit crimes to provide a way to better the world. raskolnikov murders and robs an old woman and her sister in an effort to prove his a member of this elite class. the novel follows his thought process before and after the crime is committed, and delves into the psychology of a criminal.

another central character to the novel is sofya semyonovna marmeledov (sonia). she is also poverty stricken, and has been forced to prostitute herself to feed and provide for her father, a drunk, her step-mother, who is consumptive, and her three younger step-siblings. she is the savior to her family, although she is sinning to do so. raskolnikov befriends sonia. one day, he goes to visit her. he forces her to read the story of lazarus from the bible aloud to him.

"Sonia opened the book and found the place. Her hands were shaking, her voice failed her. Twice she tried to begin and could not bring out the first syllable.

'Now a certain man was sick named Lazarus of Bethany....' she forced herself at last to read, but at the third word her voice broke like an overstrained string. There was a catch in her breath.

Raskolnikov saw in part why Sonia could not bring herself to read to him, and the more he saw this, the more roughly and irritably he insisted on her doing so. He understood only too well how painful it was for her to betray and unveil all that was her own. He understood that these feelings really were her secret treasure, which she had kept perhaps for years, perhaps from childhood, while she lived with an unhappy father and a distracted stepmother crazed by grief, in the midst of starving children and unseemly abuse and reproaches. But at the same time he knew now and knew for certain that, although it filled her with dread and suffering, yet she had a tormenting desire to read and to read to him that he might hear it, and to read now whatever might come of it!...He read this in her eyes, he could see it in her intense emotion. She mastered herself, controlled the spasm in her throat and went on reading the eleventh chapter of St. John. She went on to the nineteenth verse:

'And many of the Jews came to Martha and Mary to comfort them concerning their brother.

'Then Martha as soon as she heard that Jesus was coming went and met Him: but Mary sat still in the house.

'Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if Thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.

'But I know that even now whatsoever Thou wilt ask of God, God will give it Thee....'

Then she stopped again with a shamefaced feeling that her voice would quiver and break again.

'Jesus said unto her, thy brother shall rise again.

'Martha said unto Him, I know that he shall rise again in the resurrection, at the last day.

'Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection and the life: he that believeth in Me though he were dead, yet shall he live.

'And whosoever liveth and believeth in Me shall never die. Believest thou this?

'She saith unto him,'

(And drawing a painful breath, Sonia read distinctly and forcibly as though she were making a public confession of faith.)

'Yea, Lord: I believe that Thou art the Christ, the Son of God Which should come into the World.'

She stopped and looked up quickly at him, and controlling herself went on reading. Raskolnikov sat without moving, his elbows on the table and his eyes turned away. She read to the thirty-second verse.

'Then when Mary was come where Jesus was and saw Him, she fell down at His feet, saying unto Him, Lord if Thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.

'When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled,

'And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto Him, Lord, come and see.

'Jesus wept.

'Then said the Jews, behold how He loved him!

'And some of them said, could not this Man which opened the eyes of the blind, have caused that even this man should not have died?'

Raskolnikov turned and looked at her with emotion. Yes, he had known it! She was trembling in a real physical fever. He had expected it. She was getting near the story of the greatest miracle and a feeling of immense triumph came over her. Her voice rang out like a bell; triumph and joy gave it power. The lines danced before her eyes, but she knew what she was reading by heart. At the last verse 'Could not this Man which opened the eyes of the blind...' dropping her voice she passionately reproduced the doubt, the reproach and censure of the blind disbelieving Jews, who in another moment would fall at His feet as through struck by thunder, sobbing and believing....'And he, he---too, is blinded and unbelieving, he, too, will hear, he, too, will believe, yes, yes! At once, now,' was what she was dreaming, and she was quivering with happy anticipation.

'Jesus therefore again groaning in Himself cometh to the grave. It was a cave and a stone lay upon it.

'Jesus said, Take ye away the stone. Martha, the sister of him that was dead, saith unto Him, Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days.'

She laid emphasis on the word four.

'Jesus saith unto her, Said I not unto thee that if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldest see the glory of God?

'Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid. And Jesus lifted up His eyes and said, Father, I thank Thee that Thou hast heard Me.

'And I know that Thou hearest Me always; but because of the people which stand by I said it, that they may believe that Thou has sent Me.

'And when He thus had spoken, He cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth.

'And he that was dead came forth."

(She read loudly, bold and trembling with ecstasy, as though she were seeing it before her eyes.)

'Bound hand and foot with graveclothes; and his face was bound about with a napkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him and let him go.

'Then many of the Jews which came to Mary and had seen the things which Jesus did believed on Him.'"

this story meant so much to sonia, and eventually to raskolnikov, because they, too, would be resurrected from their sins. though dead, they would live again, through the healing power of Jesus Christ. i never thought deeply about the story of lazarus before i read crime and punishment. it was a miracle, and it was amazing, but it was (to me) like the rest of the miracles that Christ performed while on earth. after reading the story from sonia's perspective, it became much more three dimensional to me. suddenly, i was sonia. i was raskolnikov. i was lazarus. the Lord was raising me from the dead. the death of abuse, the death of depression, anguish, loneliness.

if i trust in the Lord, if i have faith in Him and his ability to heal me, i can be healed. i can be a new person, and begin my life over again. no matter our situations--for raskolnikov, it was repentance for a crime; for sonia, it was knowing that the Lord would forgive her in doing what was necessary to feed her family; for me, it is overcoming my abuse; perhaps for you it may be moving past the grief of losing a loved one, the difficulty of moving your family across the world, struggling with an illness, or feeling lost and discouraged.

"Said I not unto thee that if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldest see the glory of God?"

broken

please, everyone, take the time to watch this.

it just might change your outlook on your life at this moment.

it did for me.

thank you to mile 191 for sharing this.

finding joy

today i feel very blessed.

i am watching my beautiful baby play with a book. he is such a good boy--so well-behaved, and sweet, and such a happy, laid back baby. he is fun to watch and his smile makes my whole world better. he is strong, and healthy, and looks just like his handsome daddy.

i am so blessed to have such a hard-working, supportive, loving husband. i can't believe he is still here by my side after everything i have put him through. i have a lot of unresolved issues, as you all know, and the effects of those have been devastating to our relationship, to his feelings, and to me. but he is still here, still asking me what he can do to help me, and still loving me. he took the day off today to be with us and i am so glad!

i am amazed at how many gifts we have under our tree. we didn't think we would have much of a christmas because money is tight here (like everywhere else). but then some things worked out for us--i got a christmas bonus--hubby worked overtime--and we figured out how to get some gifts for each other. and some fun gifts for little buddy! (even a bone for the dog!)

i am so blessed to have such a beautiful home. i love this little house. i wish we could pick it up and transplant it elsewhere. but i am grateful that we have a house that we can pay the mortgage for. i'm glad we aren't one of the millions of people going through foreclosure. we have heat, we have power, we have running water, we have a roof over our heads to protect us from the freezing weather outside.

i am also grateful for my extended family. my grandparents, who are on a fixed income, sent us a check for $120 last week. i nearly cried. i am so lucky to have family who loves me so much. for my parents and my siblings. even though they can be crazy, i still love them. and i know they love me. they may go about doing things differently than i would, but i know they have the best of intentions and want nothing more than for me to be happy. same for my in-laws. i love them, too, and in some ways get along with them better than my own family. the crazy is there, too, but they still love us. and i know they love me. i have been surprised at how they have treated me like their own child.

i'm grateful for my dog. sometimes she is stupid. sometimes she gets in trouble. she is sick a lot, which is frustrating. she is almost always in the way, right under your feet. but she is a sweet dog, and she would do anything to protect us. she is so good with the baby. she gets so worried when he cries, and runs to him when he gets hurt. for the most part she obeys us, even though she hasn't had any kind of training.

i also have the best cat in the world. she loves to cuddle, she talks to me, she's good with the baby too (as in she runs away from him instead of swiping at him) and she is just so fun.

i'm grateful for my cell phone, for the internet, for this laptop i use every single day, for the tv, for the ability to learn, and grow, and change. i'm grateful for warm blankets and fuzzy socks. i'm grateful for hot water, bubble baths, and blow dryers. i'm grateful for food to eat and the ability to cook a decent meal. i'm grateful for my talents--art, music, writing. i'm grateful for beauty in the world. i'm grateful for good friends that stick by me through everything. some of whom have been there for me through my insanity since the second grade. i'm grateful for the childlike joy i get when a christmas card comes, looking at christmas lights, our christmas tree, and the pretty little nativity scene we have.

i'm grateful for the knowledge that i have of Jesus Christ and his atonement. not so much for repentance--although i'm grateful for that, too--but for the fact that he knows my pain. he knows my struggles. he knows exactly how i feel, and what i am going through. he has borne my cross, my cross of depression, of the pain of abuse, of the self-hatred and of the self-doubt. i know that i am not alone, even when i feel so alone and cut off from every other human being on the planet.

i'm grateful for christmas, for the constant reminders of Christ we get at this time of year, for the opportunities to serve others.

looking up

i am feeling a bit better today.

yesterday i called a whole slew of therapists. and left just as many voice mails. when what to my wondering ears should appear but just as many calls back! i have two appointments set up, with two different therapists, and a third that i can see if the first two don't work out. finding a good counselor can be difficult. so, january 5, i will be back in therapy. this is a very good thing.

i think maybe i'm starting to start on the upswing here. since i have fallen so far down, i have a long way to go to get back up. and uphill is always much harder. but at least i am feeling hopeful. that is huge...i haven't felt hope in a long time.

i've been spending a little time over on the child abuse survivor network recently. i think that has also helped me a lot. i've been able to learn about other people's experiences, and their healing, and how they deal with things. people who have been through much, much, much worse than i have. i have been amazed at how supportive they are to me, even as a complete stranger. it's been really good for me, i think.

i also didn't have to go to work yesterday. the weather was miserable, and the roads scary, so i stayed home and just relaxed with the hubby, which was very nice. later we went out grocery/christmas shopping. and i got a new purse with some birthday money that my grandparents sent me. (i freakin' love it!) we also bought trivial pursuit because it was on sale at wal-mart. we played a bit before hubby had to go to bed. (poor guy has to get up at 5 am to get ready for work.) it was nice to just chill out. and i was already feeling better after having made an appointment with a therapist.

so things are looking up. at least for now. i'm going to do my best to hold onto this little shred of hope as long as i can...

resources for child abuse survivors/supporters

there is a new network for child abuse survivors that is great. it was started by the person who runs the child abuse survivor site (blog, resources, news, etc). there is a group specifically for the spouses, friends, and loved ones of people who have been abused as well as forums for abuse survivors.

also, there is a blog carnival against child abuse going on. i submitted my post picture of my most life changing experience. go check it out, there are a number of posts to look at.

even if you have not been a victim of abuse, chances are you know and love someone who has. and if you don't (or are unaware of it), chances are extremely high that you will. as parents, as aunts, as uncles, as siblings, we all pray that nothing so terrible will happen to the beautiful children in our lives. the sad truth is that it just might. don't be caught unaware. do everything you can to prevent abuse. do everything you can to learn about ways to keep it from happening. but, because there is no possible way for us to completely prevent this horror, also do everything you can to learn about how to help those who have been victimized. check out my sidebar--i have links to some various other resources that you can look at.

don't become complacent. don't put off your own healing. help those around you heal. none of us can go through something so horrific alone.

if you are aware of any other good sites for child abuse survivors, please share.

please send prayers

i posted yesterday about a fellow blogger, kathleen, who has gone missing.

here is the lastest update from the local news in anchorage.

by Channel 2 News staff

Saturday, November 1, 2008

ANCHORAGE, Alaska — Police are asking for the public’s help finding a missing Anchorage wife and mother.

Police say 39-year-old Sheila Kathleen McBroom was last seen on Monday during a traffic stop along the Seward Highway. A state trooper suggested she pull over and rest after she stated she was feeling tired.

Her family reported her missing the next day.

McBroom’s truck was found later in the week parked near mile 106 of the Seward Highway. Her cell phone and wallet were inside, but there was no sign of her or of foul play.

Anchorage police and state troopers searched the area yesterday, including the coastline, but say they turned up nothing.

If you’ve seen McBroom, you’re asked to call Anchorage police at 786-8900.

please continue the prayers--they still have not found her. state police have stated that if she has passed it could take months to find her body. we are all praying that is not the case.