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finally taking a break

sigh. little buddy is asleep. baby is on her way to being asleep, and i am taking a much needed break. poor buddy has been crying and throwing fits all morning long....he didn't take a nap yesterday and i think maybe he's teething. poor kid. he's pretty difficult to deal with when he's like this, especially when i have an infant to take care of and nurse as well. at least he's finally taking a nap.

the past couple days have dragged on, going really slow. i'm not sure why but i am definitely ready for that to change. i miss hubby when he's at work and i get pretty lonely with just the kids for company, even though i'm constantly on my toes chasing a toddler and caring for an infant. i love them both so much but some days i just want to scream i get so tired and frazzled. but then i sit down with my little boy on my lap and he gives me a hug, or my baby smiles that toothless grin that lights up her whole face, her eyes scrunched up, and my heart melts and i am just so in love with being a mommy. i just try to remember those times when the days get hard and the tears and screaming start.

my depression has been a bit better over the past week, which i am grateful for. i am really trying hard not to let it get to me. i've been trying really hard to be a better wife and mother too although i tend to fail frequently. i want to be closer to hubby and i've really been working on that.

i wish there were a way to stop failing at the most important things. if i fail at the stupid little things, oh well i can deal with it. but it's so hard to know i come up short when it comes to my marriage, and showing my hubby that i love him and care for him, and when it comes to my kids. i find myself getting frustrated more easily than i'd like. i'm not very good at communicating my feelings (at least not nicely) and most times i'd rather sob hysterically and run away than deal with the issue.

some days i wish i could run away from my life, too. just take my family and go....to the beach, to a warmer climate, maybe hawaii or something. (maybe not hawaii. you can't drive there and hubby hates planes.) just relax, throw responsibilities out the window, and just BE. leave my past and my issues at home with the dishes and laundry and forget about everything but having fun. wouldn't that be nice? too bad the world doesn't work that way.

on a positive note, can you believe christmas is less than a month away? i ordered our christmas cards this morning. i'm way excited about it, too. 60 photo cards for $5.24, thanks to this fabulous freebies website. all i had to pay for was shipping. they have some awesome deals. i would highly recommend checking it out. it's called freebies for mom but you don't have to be a mom to take advantage of all the cool stuff they've got.

i hope you all had a great holiday weekend. i sure did, spending time with hubby and our extended families. and eating tons of FOOD! i just love thanksgiving dinner.

day twenty: i am thankful for...

my country.

today is thanksgiving, and i have a lot to be thankful for. i have enjoyed coming up with a new topic every day for the last few weeks to talk about, a different thing that i am thankful for every day. and all of those things that i am thankful for, i have because of the wonderful country i live in.

like many others, i tend to take for granted the freedoms and rights that i have as a citizen of the united states. the right of life, of liberty, of the pursuit of happiness. the right to free speech and expression. the right to peaceful assembly, the freedom to choose my own religion. my legal rights, the right of a fair trial (should i ever need it), the right to an attorney. the right to bear arms. the right to vote. the freedom to marry whomever i want, the freedom to have as many children i want. the ability to be involved in local governmental decisions. the ability to go to school, to study, to get a college education. the freedom to choose what i wear, how i want to do my hair and my makeup. so many people across our world do not have the freedom to choose these things. they do not have the rights and protections i do.

our country is not perfect. our government is riddled with corruption, with self-serving leaders. at times the system fails us. many people have very few chances to improve their lives and conditions. but the thing about this country is that as citizens we can change it if we choose to take an active role.

when i look back on our history, i am proud of the way our country has grown and changed. of course we still deal with issues like racism, homophobia, and sexism. but when you think about how our country started out with slavery, and see how far we have come, i am amazed. and i am grateful for those who have given their lives to allow us to move toward equality, for those who continue to give their lives to protect our rights, and our safety.

i am grateful to live in a country where i know i can be whatever i want to be. i am grateful to live in a place where i can say what i want, worship how i choose, and express myself artistically without fear. i am thankful that i was able to choose to marry my husband, and that we have two beautiful children. i am grateful for the constitution and those inalienable rights i have as a human being.

god bless america, and god bless our troops.

i hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving, full of good food and family, love and gratitude.

day nineteen: i am thankful for...

hot showers.

there is nothing like taking a hot shower. the feel of the warm water on your back, pounding your scalp, running down your arms and legs. coming inside after being out in the cold, and taking a hot shower to warm you up completely. when you've been working out and you're tired and sore, a hot shower makes you feel so much better. when you just feel gross and you're sweaty, taking a shower is almost like being reborn into a clean person! when i was pregnant i'd take a shower and turn the water as hot as i could stand it and let it hit my back....the feeling i had, the pain dissipating, the muscles relaxing, is just indescribable.

i am grateful for my shower. i am grateful for the indoor plumbing and water heater that allows me to have a hot shower. i think i might go take one right now.

day eighteen: i am thankful for....

my hands.

i love this poem that i found, writtten by bruce alan humphrey.

Hands

Hands live to caress and love.
Hands live to fight and die.
Forever living hands, forever exploring are hands.

Remarkable hands, storied hands.
Hands, hands can build.
Hands can mold, shape, and speak.
Hands can grasp for the heavens, touch it and believe in the make believers.

Through the fingers thoughts explode as pen touches paper.
Tones and melodies erupt from inner emotions becoming reality.
Heart and soul become one as fingers scrawl quickly, feverishly.
Pounding blood surges through the fingers forcing the pen onward, causing tears to fall from an eye.

Truth flows from the mind; the hand transports it into being.
Embracers of the brush, digits move carefully following intricate lines drawn on canvas.
Colors blend together, vibrant, beautiful, soaring to mosaics of sky and water.
The calming sense of touch slows the scene until order graces the fabric.

Forgotten til’ their lost.
Forgotten until they are crippled, hands are taken for granted for their life giving talent.
Bent and crooked they are silenced from the song they once sang.
Memories now distant are relegated to the wall or museums.
Dusty shelves house the books of the once pulsating, vital, movements that the hand generated.

Hands have saved lives and taken them just as easily.
They create the saviors of life as well as the purveyors of death.
Creating and destroying with a single move a finger can move mountains or search the unknown heavens.

Hands live to caress and love.
Hands live to fight and die.
Forever living hands, forever exploring are hands.

i am thankful for my hands. i was going to list all the reasons that i love my hands...but i think this poem did it better than i ever could. without my hands, how would i paint? or draw? or write? or play the piano? how would i type, work, drive, pick things up, wash my hair, make food, put on my clothes? how would i hold my sweet baby, and feel her soft skin? how would a throw a ball with my son, wipe away his tears, hold him to my heart? how would i feel my husband's fingers entwined with mine as we sit together, walk together, lay together? how would i run my hands through his hair, touch his face? my hands allow me to live my life as i know it. without functioning hands i don't know what i would do. i am grateful for them, grateful for everything i can do because of them.

tweet tweet

i'm a pretty crappy twitter user. i go weeks between tweets. but i'm going to try to do better. and i want to know if any of you readers have twitter accounts......because if you do i want to check them out! you can see me tweet tweet at http://twitter.com/cornnut32.

day seventeen: i am thankful for....

music.

have you ever noticed that we each have our own soundtrack, a soundtrack to our life? songs that bring back memories, that match our moods, that speak to our souls. songs that make us happy, songs that bring tears to our eyes, that evoke emotion within us. i have certain CDs that i listen to when i'm happy, some i like when i want to relax, some to make me feel better, and some that speak to me when i'm depressed. i have songs that i can sing over and over again and never get sick of them. i am so grateful for music, for the way that it speaks to my soul.

i am also grateful for my ability to play the piano. i started taking piano lessons from my dad when i was about four. at five, i took lessons from a neighbor, and by the time i was in junior high i was taking lessons from a teacher with a waiting list a mile long. after ten years of piano lessons, the piano has become a part of me. playing is a great outlet when i'm sad or angry, it is fun and relaxing. i love to play contemporary music, songs from movies and plays, songs we all know. i also love to play classical music....bach, mozart, beethoven, clementi, handel, schubert, mendelssohn, chopin, brahms.

i am thankful my parents made me take lessons, made me push through the practicing even when i hated it. i'm grateful for the teachers i've had, that have taught me, and disciplined me when i didn't practice, that instilled in me a love of music, that taught me to express emotion through my fingers. i'm thankful for the beautiful melodies, the songs that are a part of me.