relaxing...

the time just after the kids fall asleep and hubby is done studying is often the highlight of my day.  it's when i get to just relax and BE.  sometimes hubby and i watch netflix or play a game.  sometimes he surfs the internet while i read or draw, or he plays video games while i sit next to him and relax.

pretty much every night, though, i do at least one crossword.  hubby lovingly teases me and calls me an old lady, but hey--i won't be getting alzheimer's at a young age!

music is something that means so much to me.  i play the piano, and having music come from my fingers is something i don't take for granted.  listening to music really affects my mood.  it makes me happy, silly, sad, reflective, calm, or even angry.  but music, all kinds of music, can bring joy not only to me, but to everyone in the world.

 and, of course, the thing that relaxes me the most is sleep.  lots and lots of sleep.  long naps, short naps, cat naps, all night long...i LOVE to sleep!  and believe me, nothing helps you feel better about yourself and about your life than sleep.  it really does solve everything!

what do you do to relax?

dream on

so this morning i woke up at 6 am. couldn't sleep any longer. last night i didn't fall asleep until around midnight---also couldn't sleep. good grief.

i had the weirdest/kinda cool dream just before i woke up last night. hubby and i were rich (woohoo! love those dreams!) so i decided to head on over to the mall and have myself a little bit of fun. i had my makeup done, got some new clothes, and moseyed over to the salon. where i cut my hair and bleached it, then had those awesome fake acrylic nails done on my hands and feet. the coolest part? the tips were black and had these little bats all over them. freaky i know but i thought it was cool.

so....subconscious telling me i need a change? i think so. and let me tell you i'd love a change involving hair/nails/makeup/clothes. i love those stupid acrylic nails, they make my hands look so pretty. :)

why can't i have cool dreams like that every night instead of nightmares?

because i am bored

it's 11 pm and i am not asleep. why? because although i'm depressed as hell (hooray for depression...NOT) my mind thinks that sleep is unnecessary. so instead of laying in bed staring at the ceiling fan and being incredibly jealous of hubby sleeping next to me i will thrill you with this fun little meme.

What is bothering you right now?
the fact that i can't sleep, and i want to. and my back. :P

What does your last received text message say?
i'm not sure because my phone is upstairs charging. probably "luvu"

When was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life?
i'm not sure

What are you doing tonight?
blogging

What was the last voicemail you received about?
dr's appointment

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
yes, a whole bunch

Do you look at the keyboard when you type?
no

Do you think your last ex deserves to die?
no

Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
i never go to sleep smiling, my face relaxes when i go to sleep

Did you have a good day yesterday?
it was okay, better than a lot of recent days

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
i married him! i talk to him daily

What is your current mood?
tired, kind of scared and apprehensive

What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
getting on the road to healing, being a better person. little buddy's first birthday!

How's your heart lately?
pumping like normal!

Will this weekend be a good one?
i hope so! looking forward to seeing some friends tomorrow and spending as much time with hubby and little buddy as i possibly can.

Who hugged you last?
hubby

What is your relationship status?
married

Look behind you, what do you see?
a wall

Any summer plans for 2009?
not so far!

How's your life lately?
scary. i don't know what's going to happen, i'm out of control and i hate that.

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
my own

Do you miss anyone?
yes. i miss myself. i hope i can get myself back again soon. i hate who i am right now.

Is there one place you'd like to visit?
florence, venice, paris (that's three but maybe if we say EUROPE it will count as one place.)

Have you held hands with anyone today?
hubby

Ever been swimming in a lake or river?
both. once, in high school, i went swimming in the river at dark. actually, i jumped out of a tree into the river but i couldn't see where the rocks ended and the river began. i also didn't know how deep it was there. pretty stupid, huh?

Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
yes. a few friends i've lost touch with.

What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
told hubby i loved him

Do you give out second chances easily?
usually yes. but it depends on why that person needs a second chance.

What woke you up today?
little buddy, like every day.

Your ex shows up randomly at your house what do you say?
get off my property

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
you bet! my hubby.

Two days from now this time, where will you be?
hopefully in bed asleep

Have you ever thought you were going to marry someone?
ever? yeah, like about a million guys, beginning when i was three. like most girls.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
little buddy

How late did you stay up last night and why?
i don't remember

When was the last time you did something you knew was wrong?
not sure exactly

Have you ever been nice to someone who treated you like crap?
yes

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
"anything," yes. but not very much like it. last year i was not a mommy. a lot has changed, i have changed.

When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking?
a few days ago. panic attacks tend to make you feel that way.

Who are your favorite people to talk to when you’re down?
hubby, my friends kaitlyn and steph, now that i'm an adult my mom and dad

Does the person you like, like you back?
i think so. i'm pretty hard to live with lately.

When was the last time you talked with the opposite sex on the phone? Who?
hubby, on my way home from work

Are you friends with someone who lies about the stupidest stuff ever?
yes

Pick a word that starts with the first letter of your first name:
cornnut (haha)

What's something that always gives you the chills?
a beautiful, powerful piece of music.

How was the past week for you?
long. a lot has changed as far as the future goes in the last week.

Whats your favorite color?
red

What are you listening to?
the tv, and the heater

What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
chocolate. i really only like pb in reese's.

If the year only consisted of one season which would you choose?
fall

If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you?
if it were someone other than hubby, no way is a cool way. if it were hubby, i like hugs.

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
nope

What's one thing you want more than anything in your life?
emotional stability

What was on your mind most today?
next week

Last person you gave something to?
gave hubby a kiss

Do you like winter time?
parts of it

Do you believe that if you want someone bad enough you'll get them?
define "bad enough." no--if i spent my entire life pining after, say, some celebrity, no matter how "badly" i wanted him i seriously doubt i'd get him.

What's your favorite fruit?
i like all fruit. i love pears. and fresh pineapple, coconut, raspberries, oranges...

Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
nope i definitely can't

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
in a heartbeat

Do you know anyone named Taylor?
yes, a few people

Are you friends with someone who is older than you?
yep

In the past week have you felt stupid?
frequently. i keep getting my words jumbled and saying stupid and or incoherent things.

Do people ever mistake you for being a different race?
haha. no way. i'm as white as they come.

Do your nails ALWAYS have to be painted?
no. in fact i rarely paint them because the paint chips within 30 seconds and then it bugs me so bad i have to chip it all off.

Do you have your baby picture in your room?
not my baby picture

What did you do today?
cleaned, took care of the baby, worked, visited with my parents, spent time with hubby

What happened at 4AM this morning?
nothing i'm aware of, i was sleeping

Were you happy when you woke up today?
no. baby woke earlier than usual.

Last thing received in the mail?
ads

Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines?
yes and i hate it, i always sound retarded

Do you have any career ideas yet?
a few. mommy, art therapist, art historian, graphic designer. i'd love to be everything all at once. too bad i can't do that.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
every night

At this time yesterday, what were you doing?
i think i was actually asleep

Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?
hubby

so now that you're thoroughly bored, feel free to do it yourself. maybe then you won't be bored.

good mooooorning, good moooooooorning!

so 2009 is here. i just started a new year in my life: i turned 23 a few days ago, and the world moved into a new year as well. i hope that this next year will be full of more ups than downs.

i had another rough night last night. no nightmares (thank goodness) but i think our mattress needs to go the way of the dodo bird. my body aches, and my joints ache, and my neck hurts, and my back hurts, and i blame it completely on that piece of crap. oh well, at least i have a mattress, right? i could be sleeping on the floor covered in burlap sacks.

i took down all of our christmas decorations yesterday. it's crazy how much bigger the house feels, and kind of empty, too. but cleaner, which is nice. i also did a speed clean of the house, because i thought my grandma was going to come see it but she didn't. too bad....but at least the house is sorta clean now. today i have laundry and dishes to do. (gross!)

well off i go to clean the house. i hope everyone had a fantastic new year's!

nightmare

i have had this nightmare, just beginning this last week.

i am in a cold, snowy, wooded place. there is a hill, with a road covered in snow--impassible to cars. my dad is standing there. we are inside a room i am surrounded by four other women, girls really, girls i don't really know. i am trying to tell my dad something--i am in danger. he knows something is wrong. i can't say anything to him verbally, i am trying to communicate with my eyes. my dream self is terrified, my actual self doesn't know why. my dad smiles at me, but with concern in his eyes, and leaves. i don't know why he leaves. but i think he has to--he doesn't want to. my dad has always wanted to protect me.

i find out from the other girls there is a man taking things from them. in my dream, he is taking literal things from them. i find out they are kept in a fridge, at the bottom of this hill, where the man is outside in a clearing. the other girls are sitting in a car at the top of the hill. i am able to steal back one thing from the man out of the fridge without him noticing. inside the fridge are little tupperwares, clear with a blue lid on each. inside is white frosting. (it looks like frosting.) i get away with a small one, slowly sneak up the hill and get to the top to meet up with the other four girls, who are still sitting in the car. it is a convertible. i give the tupperware back to the girl it belongs to. i tell them to leave, to run away. then the man comes up the hill. (my dream self does not recognize this man, he had a face, but it was no one i know.) he pulls out a gun. i am standing on the sidewalk, screaming hysterically as i watch him shoot and kill all four of the girls in the car. i am left alone, realizing i am in what should be a busy place. it looks like a mall. he throws the gun down in the parking lot.

then he comes after me. i cry, i scream. there is no one around to hear me. he yells. his eyes terrify me. he beats me, he takes off my clothes, slapping my face. jerking me around by my wrists. (something i HATE...because i feel so powerless, i can't fight back, i panic when someone grabs my wrists to control my arms.) he starts to undress, threatening me, telling me what he's going to do to me. just before he rapes me, i wake up. sweating, breathing hard, sometimes crying, and always terrified.

i don't sleep well anymore.