Friday, February 20, 2009

fun to be one!

yesterday was my baby's birthday. i can't believe he is one. the last year has just flown by. he looks so grown up my heart aches. i feel as if i have missed the first year of his life, even though i was there watching him grow and learn. it is incredible the changes a single year can bring. my sweet boy is a toddler now. i feel like an outsider already. i can't imagine how hard it will be when he is a teenager!

things have been increasingly difficult for me over the past week. i am getting more sick. my headaches are so painful i want to cry every time i speak or move. i am dizzy and weak. i'm stressed out beyond belief. hubby is having a very hard time as well and that makes me feel guilty. i feel terrible that i have not been working; we desperately need the money. he has been keeping the house clean and taking care of the baby. yesterday we got into an argument and i lost my temper (again). financially we are close to losing everything. his anxiety is through the roof and i can't help him. i feel like a terrible wife, and a terrible mother, because i have been so sick i can't give my son the attention i want to.

i am having nightmares more and more. nothing so far related to the abuse. but nightmares still. i hate them. i don't sleep well as it is. the nights i wake up shaking are terrible. last night i woke from a nightmare and saw the face of a woman in front of me, her eyes boring into me, a half-smile on her face as if she knew something horrible that i didn't. i know it was from my dream, and i was in a waking nightmare. when i closed my eyes she was still there staring at me. within a few minutes i fell back asleep and it was gone. more often i have been having those...apparitions...hallucinations...when i am half-asleep and waking from a nightmare. one night i awoke from a nightmare to find spiders crawling up my wall. (i am terrified of spiders and frequently have nightmares about them.) it took me blinking and clearing my head for a few minutes before they went away and i could relax again. these dreams become increasingly real and i hate it.

it disgusts and angers me the way that the abuse i have been through permeates every part of my life and who i am. it makes me sick to think about how i could be if i hadn't been so traumatized. because of someone else's choices i will suffer, my family will suffer. i don't understand how someone could possibly think it is okay to hurt a child, especially in such a sexual and perverse way. i am tired of being angry all the time. i am tired of hating myself. i am tired of being afraid. i am tired of the nightmares, the panic attacks, the flashbacks. i am tired of this interfering so negatively with my marriage.

i want it to end. i just want it all to go away. but it never will. no matter how much i work at this it will always be there. sure, i may feel better, it may affect my life less negatively eventually, but after ten years of working on it i am still struggling. will it never just...end?


Bethany said...

Oh Sweetheart,
I am so sorry for the feelings and physically feeling. I wish I could take it all away. I know that the problems I am having is due to the effects of my abuse and have that same question and feelings is that my abusers dont even think anything happened. And here I am with some major physical health problems. It isnt fair at all. I totally agree with you. I am so sorry for all the other feelings believe me we are in the same boat. I know lots of people say the same things which pisses me off because they arent in the same position. But believe me I am not one of those people we really are in the same boat. And we have been for a long time. I hate it so much and yet I cant do anything about. Which is even more frustrating to me. Just because physically and mentally I am not in anyway or form to be able to hold a job down. I can barely get out of bed have the days. How am I supposed to get up and get dressed. And use my brain in more ways than normal. I am in the position that I have to face my abusers on a daily basis. Which is very hard. Also they want a relationship with my children. I cant deny them that but they will never go alone. Me or my husband will always be with them. UGH So tuff being the mom, victim, suvivor, and the one trying to break the cycle sometimes just way to much pressure to be all of those.

♥georgie♥ said...

Oh my....Bethany said it best so I am gonna send you hugs and say just know you are not alone