yesterday was my baby's birthday. i can't believe he is one. the last year has just flown by. he looks so grown up my heart aches. i feel as if i have missed the first year of his life, even though i was there watching him grow and learn. it is incredible the changes a single year can bring. my sweet boy is a toddler now. i feel like an outsider already. i can't imagine how hard it will be when he is a teenager!
things have been increasingly difficult for me over the past week. i am getting more sick. my headaches are so painful i want to cry every time i speak or move. i am dizzy and weak. i'm stressed out beyond belief. hubby is having a very hard time as well and that makes me feel guilty. i feel terrible that i have not been working; we desperately need the money. he has been keeping the house clean and taking care of the baby. yesterday we got into an argument and i lost my temper (again). financially we are close to losing everything. his anxiety is through the roof and i can't help him. i feel like a terrible wife, and a terrible mother, because i have been so sick i can't give my son the attention i want to.
i am having nightmares more and more. nothing so far related to the abuse. but nightmares still. i hate them. i don't sleep well as it is. the nights i wake up shaking are terrible. last night i woke from a nightmare and saw the face of a woman in front of me, her eyes boring into me, a half-smile on her face as if she knew something horrible that i didn't. i know it was from my dream, and i was in a waking nightmare. when i closed my eyes she was still there staring at me. within a few minutes i fell back asleep and it was gone. more often i have been having those...apparitions...hallucinations...when i am half-asleep and waking from a nightmare. one night i awoke from a nightmare to find spiders crawling up my wall. (i am terrified of spiders and frequently have nightmares about them.) it took me blinking and clearing my head for a few minutes before they went away and i could relax again. these dreams become increasingly real and i hate it.
it disgusts and angers me the way that the abuse i have been through permeates every part of my life and who i am. it makes me sick to think about how i could be if i hadn't been so traumatized. because of someone else's choices i will suffer, my family will suffer. i don't understand how someone could possibly think it is okay to hurt a child, especially in such a sexual and perverse way. i am tired of being angry all the time. i am tired of hating myself. i am tired of being afraid. i am tired of the nightmares, the panic attacks, the flashbacks. i am tired of this interfering so negatively with my marriage.
i want it to end. i just want it all to go away. but it never will. no matter how much i work at this it will always be there. sure, i may feel better, it may affect my life less negatively eventually, but after ten years of working on it i am still struggling. will it never just...end?