catching up

wow....can you remember the last time i posted on this blog?  i can't, unless i look, which i'm not going to do.  :)  for any readers left....how about an update?  (and a blog post riddled with links just for the fun of it?)

life here in the cornnut household is pretty crazy.  princess just turned two (which is insane....remember when i couldn't figure out what the heck was wrong with me...and i ended up being pregnant?)  little buddy is three and a half now and in preschool.  (ALSO hard to believe he was only six months old when i started this blog.)

i am in school, hooray, and have officially been cleared for graduation in may.  i will be graduating with my associates in general studies, which is a nice way of saying i got all of my crappy general ed classes finished in community college so i can take the fun classes at a university.  i'm so stinking excited to have that piece of paper that says i did something with my education.  i've worked hard and so far have a 4.0.  yay me :)  too bad i left my math classes for my last two semesters.  i hate math.

hubby got a new job, he is now a forensic investigator with the local police department.  real-life CSI, which means i refuse to watch CSI with him now.  apparently TV is nothing like real life.  sheesh.  i'm so proud of him...new job, and he graduated with his bachelor of psychology degree in june, and he's just kicking butt all around.

i'm working too...as a photographer.  for lifetouch, in one of their JC Penny portrait studios.  people pay me to hold their adorable babies.  so if you live in my area and need a photographer, look me up.

hubby and i celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary in august.  hard to believe we've been married five years....we've had a lot of ups and downs, but we're still here, still working together to overcome the downs.  we've been through and dealt with a lot.  thanks babe...for sticking with it and helping me do the same.  i love you.

for those of you who remember...i've made peace with my parents.  some really tough stuff happened a few months ago and we were able to reconnect and overcome our issues because of it.  i'm really grateful to have a good relationship with them again, and for everything they have done for me.  my kids love being around them too.  we were able to spend some time with them yesterday, and i am just so glad we've worked things out and have been able to move forward.

my baby brother (who really isn't a baby anymore, so i should probably stop calling him that) is currently in the MTC (missionary training center).  he is serving a mission for the LDS church, and will shortly be headed to Peru.  i can't believe how grown up he is.  it's kind of giving me an identity crisis, because it makes me feel so OLD.  i'm only 25, you know....even if i look 30...and feel 50.

my youngest sister is a STAR and plays volleyball for a pac12 team!  i'd tell you which one but since this blog is supposed to be anonymous to anyone who doesn't actually know me in real life i'm not telling.  :)  if you do know me, you've already heard be brag about her, so i'm pretty sure you know where she plays.  she is aiming for the olympics...rio de janeiro, baby!  guess i better start putting my pennies in a jar.

new obsession: pinterest.  holy cow, is that thing awesome or what?  love love love finding new inspiration and fun projects to do.  (and i've actually done them, not just pinned them!  accomplishment!)  plus facebook and saving tons of money shopping....i'm a couponer!  (NOT like extreme couponing on TLC.)  i do save anywhere from $100-$200 on my monthly shopping trips, which is pretty darn cool.  i am teaching classes on how to do it, too, so if you know me and want to host a class....you should!

next month we are moving again.  same city, new place.  we got new management in our apartment complex and things have really gone downhill, plus we've had issues with our neighbors and our rent is pretty ridiculous.  we are moving into a townhome that is nicer and $300 a month cheaper.  i'm really excited, even though i hate packing, and unpacking, and moving, and the mess that is associated with it.  we are also downsizing to a two bedroom so the kids will be sharing...that will be interesting.

as many of you know.....halloween is coming, and it is my favorite-est holiday EVER.  this year's costumes are fun.  hubby is a banana again, mostly because he's not into dressing up the way i am, we don't have a lot of money, and we have a banana costume.  i got a snow white costume from freecycle (freecycle=awesomeness, find the one near you!) that fits perfectly and looks pretty cool, if i say so myself.  (in fact, we took the kids to a halloween festival our city puts on and i had moms stopping me to take pictures with their little girls....kind of surreal.)  little buddy is super why, and i made his costume myself.  while i am a perfectionist and will accept the quality of the costume, he loves it.  that's all that matters.  princess is a pirate.  why?  because my little two year old loves pirates.  she is the cutest little buccaneer the world ever did see.  she goes around saying, "arrrrr, matey" in her adorable toddler voice, only she does it deeper and gravely and sounds just like a pirate toddler should.  everyone fawns all over it, including her mama.  the kids are falling in love with halloween, probably thanks to me, and think witches and ghosts and skeletons and bats are the coolest things ever.

and, for your viewing pleasure, the pretty awesome sign my mom helped me make yesterday:

i saw a sign similar to this at Michael's for $20.  it was on a stake.  i loved the concept (i do have my own little monsters, after all) but flat out refuse to spend $20 on something like that.  and i wanted one to hang on my door, since i don't have a yard.  so....with three pieces of scrap wood (my mom had them and cut them for me), a little acrylic and puff paint, wire and ribbon (also all thanks to mom's supply), i have an adorable sign for my front door.  it's about a thousand times cuter than the one at Michael's, and we added the hands to it. that was also mom's idea.  we traced little buddy's and princess's hands and turned them into monster hands.  so not only is it cute, but in ten years when i pull it out for halloween i'll get to see how small their little hands were when i made the sign.  i really love it!

so i'm pretty sure that's about it...at least i hope so.  :)  i kind of miss my blog, even though its purpose (to help me heal and hopefully help others) has been mostly served, at least on my end.  i hope i still have new readers coming across the blog and finding some kind of inspiration and maybe comfort in knowing they aren't alone.  i definitely don't want to start over with a new one.  after three years with this blog, and several hundred posts, it's hard to imagine a new one.  i've probably lost most of my readers, though---if you're still there, still reading, let me know you're here, and how you're doing.  it would be nice to kind of catch up with a lot of you.

until next time!

the post that describes my life

wow, i guess it's been awhile since i last posted, huh?

there are several reasons for this.

1. i am busy. with a two year old and a 10 month old i hardly get a chance to breathe. nap time used to be my "me" time but now little buddy thinks he doesn't need a nap most of the time...haha.

2. i have been reading during my "spare" time. don't judge me but i love those stupid romance novels that i can download for free on my phone. (and no, not the pornographic ones, hubby)

3. i have had very little to say

4. i have been in a depressive funk for about a week or so. today has been my first "up" day in awhile, which is nice. hopefully it will stay that way.

today i took my kids to the library (little buddy calls it the libwawy). for some reason i've really been marveling over this whole motherhood thing today. i watched buddy carry a little book around the kids section until he found the little tables and chairs. he immediately sat down and started looking through the book. he LOVES to read and it just makes my heart melt when i see his big smile and when he says "mommy eed a towy?" (translation: read a story.) he is growing up so fast i can hardly believe it. we are still potty training, we've had a few setbacks recently but i'm really proud of him for how well he has done. he loves animals, his baby sister and going outside. i look at pictures of him as a baby and it is so hard to believe how much he has changed in just two and a half years.

princess is also growing like a weed. she is nearly 11 months old, has six teeth now, "talks" a ton and has the cutest giggles ever. she gives me hugs and pats my shoulder when she does, which just makes my day. she also likes to head butt and grab faces, two things i'm trying to get her to stop doing. she adores her big brother and they play together so well. she also loves stuffed animals and eating anything she can get into her mouth. both my kids are really tall for their age. at 9 months (her last checkup) she was the average length of a 12 month old, and i'm sure she's grown a ton since then. buddy, at 24 months, was the average height of a 36 month old, in the 101st percentile. wow! tall kids! and skinny, too, although they both constantly eat and eat. i wish i had that metabolism.

i have successfully kept a betta fish alive for several weeks which is a HUGE accomplishment for me. (in may of 09 i killed three of them...all within a week. and i've also killed two goldfish in the last year.) but this one really seems to be thriving (knock on wood). i gave up naming them after gods (thor, apollo, and ares) because they are obviously not immortal. on the way home from the store with this one, hubby said, "may the fourth be with you" because this is the fourth betta. (get it? i thought it was funny....haha) so i named him darth vader. he's a dark blue and is making me so happy by being alive. let's just hope he keeps up the trend.

i also got a part time job. i work at the mall about 10ish hours a week, in the evenings. i miss my family but it is nice to have a few hours to myself, plus the money is a huge help.

in other news....i need to get up off my lazy rear end and start working out again. i got the 3o day shred video that jillian michaels does, and i lost 5 pounds-ish the first week i did it. then i got depressed and didn't want to do anything but lay on the couch/floor/bed and wallow in self-pity. i have been trying to do better about what i'm eating, too. like multi-grain bread, the 45 calorie sara lee stuff which is actually remarkably good. better than most multi-grains. and more fruit and veggies and while i'd like to say less coke, that would be a total and complete lie.

so now that i've overcome the "very little to say" part and the "depressive funk" part and also the reading part (since i finished the last book i was reading) maybe i'll get around to posting more. guess we'll see, huh? i have all these good intentions and rarely do they pan out.

moving means unpacking.

wow. it's been a long week and a half. we were without internet for a week here in our new apartment, and since then i've been really busy!

moving day was the 25th, last thursday. and...well...it was a long day, as moving days usually are.

the movers were late, which wasn't that big of a deal. what was a big deal? the fact that they couldn't get the truck up the driveway. yeah. the driveway, which is dirt, and steep, and about 100 yards long. and wet and slippery because it had snowed. so the poor movers and hubby got to haul all of our crap down a slippery driveway in the snow to put in the truck. hubby was stressed beyond belief because he was worried it was going to cost us way more than we had budgeted, due to the stupid driveway. after all was said and done, we were actually under budget, yay! 5 1/2 hours though. sheesh.

i am really liking our apartment. it's so quiet here. i haven't heard our neighbors at all. the kids have their own rooms, and i've started painting a cute border on little buddy's wall. (i will post pics when it is done, i'm so excited for it!) i also started teaching piano lessons last week. things are going pretty well here. i finished unpacking yesterday, which is nice, and everything is put in its place. until we empty our storage unit, which shouldn't be as big of a deal because most of it is staying in boxes.

my depression has been rearing its ugly head again, though. i am now going back onto my celexa, which i haven't been taking because i've been nursing. i can still nurse on it though, which is good. hopefully it will help.

also since moving day, princess has learned to roll over from back to front. she rolls all over the place now. she has also cut her first two teeth, her bottom front ones. she is learning to fall asleep on her own in the crib (which means lots of crying) and is doing better. last night only 20 minutes of screaming! yeah! nap times have not been successful, and for some reason i can't deal with the crying during the day the way i can at night. so the swing is becoming a crutch. i will start with naps more consistently once she gets falling asleep at night down without a problem. (if anyone has any suggestions, i'm definitely open to them.) little buddy is adjusting to nap times, too, and staying in his bed...and not playing with the toys, which are now in his room instead of the living room. (so nice to not be falling over toys in the front room!)

now on to find a job. i haven't gotten enough piano students to cover our extra bills now that we're in our new place so i need something part time. keep your fingers crossed for me!

how about a plus sign?

well i'm at work. i came in yesterday to pick up some pictures and things that i had on my desk, and my boss asked me to cover for the receptionist who is on vacation this week. she is also going to have me do a few things at home for her. i am so happy about this. not only does it mean some extra money (which we badly need) but i have really missed being at work. even though i'm just sitting at the front desk to answer phones, the paralegal i worked for had me do some filing for her because i do such a good job. it's been so nice to hear everyone say they are glad to see me and they have missed me.

the past few days i have been feeling better, too, which is soooo nice, i can't even tell you. headache is still there but not as bad. nausea is still there but i'm keeping most everything down. dizziness sometimes when i stand too fast but i'm trying really hard not to do that.

my grandmother is still in the ICU. we had a scare on sunday--she nearly didn't make it through saturday night. i went to see her yesterday. she is in an extraordinary amount of pain and was in and out of coherency. my grandfather, however, said that she looks better than she had in a few days, ate some pudding (first food since saturday morning) and they were managing her pain pretty well. she has a very long, hard road ahead but i am trying to be optimistic. hubby and i decided that if our baby is a girl we will give her my grandma's name for a middle name. i love my grandma so much and i couldn't bear to lose her right now. she should live another twenty years. i have been praying so hard for her.

well it's about time to go home. thanks for putting up with my complaining. hopefully things will start looking up and my attitude will change--i'm really trying hard to be happier, more optimistic, and a better person.

trying to stay positive

i posted yesterday that i had lost my job. i wasn't really in the mood for talking about it. i am really upset about losing that job....i loved working where i did. i have spent a lot of time in jobs i can't stand, it was so great to find one i enjoyed. plus the loss of income is a big deal. the fact that i've been so sick during this pregnancy....i doubt i'll be able to find another job. i'm really depressed about it. i feel like a failure. this puts a lot more pressure on my hubby, too. sigh.

my doctor's appointment on monday went pretty well. i meant to post about it earlier but with the job thing i haven't wanted to. we heard the baby's heartbeat again. i've lost some weight though because of how sick i've been, so the dr wants me to come back in two weeks instead of four. he gave me scripts for phenergan and zofran to try to help me keep food down. it's helped some. usually in the evening i'm sick again but at least it's not so bad during the day.

my grandma is in the hospital again. she's been really sick since christmas. for the longest time they couldn't figure out what was wrong--then discovered that she has lung disease, that looks like that of someone who has smoked their entire life. she has never smoked. she's had heart problems in the past, so it took them awhile to get her meds to where they could do anything with her lungs. she was doing better so they released her. but then yesterday she went back to the cardiologist and they discovered the right side of her heart was barely working. they immediately admitted her to the icu. later that day she was transferred to a bigger and better hospital. we are all really worried about her. she is still really young....68 years old. if you pray, it would be great if you could pray for her. i love my grandma so much, i don't want to lose her. at least not for awhile.

on a positive note, my sister came to see me yesterday. (not the one who is engaged.) she is in town for spring break and we spent a few hours together. it was good to see her. we walked around a little shopping center together and talked. she is 19, and i can't believe how grown up she is. when i left home she was in junior high. i miss spending time with my family. even though they've moved closer i still don't get to see them as much as i'd like. we are going to the zoo tomorrow with two of my sisters and their boys. i think it will be fun, i'm looking forward to it.

i'm trying to stay positive right now. it just seems like i can't get ahead with anything lately. it's frustrating. poor hubby is stressed out as well. if we could sell our house...man, that would be great. maybe soon. i just have to keep a little bit of hope alive.

hurray. (sarcasm)

so much for going back to work. i lost my job. they need someone who can work more hours than i am able to. i cried.

looking up

i am feeling a bit better today.

yesterday i called a whole slew of therapists. and left just as many voice mails. when what to my wondering ears should appear but just as many calls back! i have two appointments set up, with two different therapists, and a third that i can see if the first two don't work out. finding a good counselor can be difficult. so, january 5, i will be back in therapy. this is a very good thing.

i think maybe i'm starting to start on the upswing here. since i have fallen so far down, i have a long way to go to get back up. and uphill is always much harder. but at least i am feeling hopeful. that is huge...i haven't felt hope in a long time.

i've been spending a little time over on the child abuse survivor network recently. i think that has also helped me a lot. i've been able to learn about other people's experiences, and their healing, and how they deal with things. people who have been through much, much, much worse than i have. i have been amazed at how supportive they are to me, even as a complete stranger. it's been really good for me, i think.

i also didn't have to go to work yesterday. the weather was miserable, and the roads scary, so i stayed home and just relaxed with the hubby, which was very nice. later we went out grocery/christmas shopping. and i got a new purse with some birthday money that my grandparents sent me. (i freakin' love it!) we also bought trivial pursuit because it was on sale at wal-mart. we played a bit before hubby had to go to bed. (poor guy has to get up at 5 am to get ready for work.) it was nice to just chill out. and i was already feeling better after having made an appointment with a therapist.

so things are looking up. at least for now. i'm going to do my best to hold onto this little shred of hope as long as i can...

oh, joy to the world!

god bless my boss, for handing out christmas bonuses today.

did i ever mention that i hate laundry?

i think i am the only living thing in my house that is awake right now.

the baby is in the crib, napping.
the cat is on the floor, snoring. (our cat snores. funny, huh.)
the dog is on the floor, slightly twitching because she is dreaming.

and here i am, exhausted, and i probably should be taking a nap. instead i am eyeing the pile of laundry that has been on my couch for six days. i have had the best of intentions in folding it and putting it away. but, like usual, i find excuses not to. or i just dont, and don't make excuses. i also have a bunch of dishes that need to be done. bedrooms to pick up. more laundry to put through the wash. bathrooms to clean. sigh. i HATE cleaning with a passion. it stresses me out to have a dirty house but i have such a hard time keeping up with it. a lot of it has to do with the fact that when i clean, it takes about 20 minutes for the house to be a complete disaster again. i clean, i leave for work, i come home, the house looks like a tornado hit it. (again.) sigh.

so i downloaded the twilight soundtrack, and can i say, i adore it. as you know, i wasn't too thrilled with the movie (although i've heard it is much better the second time and i really want to see it again) but the soundtrack is awesome. not only are the instrumental piano pieces beautiful, but i have discovered a new band called paramore that i love. and there are some good rockin' out in the car songs. (i tried them out last night driving home from my parents' house.)

so, can you believe that christmas is NEXT WEEK? seriously! it's crazy. hubby and i are going to finish our christmas shopping this saturday. yes, that also makes us crazy. the last saturday before christmas....ha. we're nuts. i know it. :) i'm really looking forward to christmas. even though i have to work christmas eve...and the day after christmas....lame. there are some law firms that we do business with that closed last week and won't reopen until january 5. wouldn't that be nice!

well, i suppose i should get to the laundry now. (ha. i say that...but we'll see if i really make myself do it!) so i hope you all have a wonderful monday!

back to work today

i'm sad the long weekend is over. :(

(spoiler alert! don't read the following if you haven't seen twilight yet and want to be surprised...)

i went to see twilight on saturday with my friend kaitlyn. it was awful. terrible. horrible acting. cheesy. one scene that was eerily similar to something you would see on general hospital. and awful, awful, pathetic 1950s horror movie flashbacks. and jasper? what on earth was the deal with his hair? and lack of facial expressions? besides that one that made it look like he was surprised at how constipated he was? sad. so sad. i went into the movie with absolutely no expectations at all and i was still disappointed. (and i don't care what kaitlyn says, the actor who played edward is not attractive. at all. so sad.) bella was sulky. alice was almost annoyingly cute. rosalie was not that pretty. edward had matching "sparkly" sound effects when he was in the sun. seriously? special effects weren't that great. and james? don't even get me started. he wasn't scary, he was downright laughable. the facial expressions he had literally made me laugh. in fact, the only two characters that i found to be anything like my idea of them were emmett and charlie swan. i was horrified at how awful the cinematography was. i was appalled by the sheer pathetic-ness of it all.

now for the really sad part? i want to see it again.

but it really was lame. lame, i tell you, lame!

i don't have a good title for this post.

it's been another one of those weekends. (and not just because byu lost.)

lucky for me i have a husband who loves me.

on a positive note (i'm trying very hard to be positive), hubby helped me put up the christmas lights. (yay!) i successfully stopped myself from putting up the tree. only three work days this week. i'm looking forward to my mom's cooking...drool...and we get to see my family two days this week. thursday, so we can be gluttonous, and friday so we can help put up the christmas tree. it has been five years since i've put up the tree with my family and i am really looking forward to it.

on a side note. i lost a bet. (one i knew i was going to lose, but you know, it still stinks losing.) byu, of course, got their butts kicked by the u of u on saturday. my husband is a utes fan. so because i lost the bet, i got to call my mother and say "byu stinks. they are losers. i am ashamed to be a byu fan." (if hubby had lost, it would have been much worse for him--he would have had to call her and say "i am humbled. i should have cheered for byu. the u of u football team is not worthy to stand in the presence of the byu team." and i would have laughed my rear end off.) as it were...he was the one giggling uncontrollably.

so here's to hoping, next year....

warning: this post is full of self pity.

i am stuck in a rut of depression. and i'm sick of it.

for the last week or so i've been really down. i don't have a reason to be, i just am. i'm tired all the time, i have no interest in doing anything, and if i could i'd just stay in bed all day and all night. last night, i went to bed at 7:30 and (minus the few times i got up with the baby) stayed there sleeping until 10:30 am. that's like 15 hours! it was FANTASTIC because i rarely sleep, but it was NOT fantastic because then i know i won't be able to sleep tonight. the sleep gods have decided i abused my new found ability to snooze and have now taken their blessings and good will away.

i'm sorry if i'm depressing the few of you that read my blog. because i really don't want to depress you. and i realize that my last few posts have not been happy or upbeat. please bear with me, this ugly cycle will turn again and i will soon be on top of the world. well, hopefully soon.

i just feel like my life is so...stagnant. my routine never changes. occasionally hubby and i will go out and do something, but never for very long. and ultimately i end up back at home, back in the same routine. pick up the house/avoid picking up the house. take care of the baby. go to work. watch tv. go to bed. toss and turn and sleep very little. get up in the morning and repeat. i have very little energy and i'm crabby a lot. when i do actually clean my house, i swear it takes twenty minutes and it's a mess again. so then i think, what's the point? i hate doing it, i have to force myself to do it anyway, and it takes every ounce of sanity i have. and then i come home from work and there are dishes all over, and toys all over, and the table is covered in stuff, and clothes all over the floor again. (i think there are trolls or evil gnomes or something that do it.)

so here i am complaining again. and i'm sure you don't want to listen to me complain. heck, i hate listening to me complain.

but now i'm off, back to work, and back to monotony.

any kind of good wishes, and good will, and prayers, and happy thoughts any of you feel like sending my way would be very much appreciated. i need to figure out a way to yank myself out of this hole i've dug. and at this point, i know i can't do it alone.

singing the blues

do you ever feel like what you do doesn't really matter?

i feel that way a lot. and i know in my head it's not true, but for me "knowing" something is totally separate from "feeling" something.

like when i clean up the house, and it's a mess within twenty minutes. or when i do something at work and no one really cares. or when i spend time blogging and i don't get any comments. (hint hint) :)

i think my depression today has a lot to do with lack of sleep. it has been...oh...who knows how long...since i've had a good night's sleep. and poor little buddy has been pretty cranky for the last few days because he is teething. he cut his third tooth this week and his fourth is about to emerge at any moment. i'm also stressed out--but i'm not really sure why, exactly. financial struggles. but that's nothing new. lots to do at work. but that's not really new, either. the house that is a disaster. ha, that's also nothing new.

so why so melancholy today?

i'm not sure. maybe there's something negative in the air.

so how do i change it? what cheers you up when you're having a bad day? especially when you don't know why?

things i love:

the noises my baby is learning to make. "bababababa" is lots of fun when interesting faces accompany it. (along with raspberries and flying spit.)

my sweet hubby who loves me even though i'm crazy/unstable/a total nut. and i'm really not kidding here--i'm a crazy unstable nut. a basket case. :)

being used as a jungle gym for little buddy, who would rather climb on me than anything else.

driving the car with the windows rolled down, the sunroof open, music turned up loud, singing at the top of your lungs (offkey, mind you) while other drivers stare at you....that's the best. man, i miss being a teenager. (sometimes.) (rarely.) (okay, only when it comes to being a responsible driver.)

getting caught singing to my mp3 player while at work. (again offkey.) (in my defense, i was in the hole of a file room, by myself. i can't help it that a secretary snuck up on me!)

turning a post-it into a work of art while waiting on hold.

the powerball, which gives my husband fantasies of what to do with 15 million dollars. cross your fingers for us, they draw on wednesday...

the fact that i can officially fit in to EVERY PAIR of pre-pregger pants i freaking own! woo hoo! (they don't look the same, but i can zip them up!)

adorable halloween costumes. one of which was purchased this evening by my hubby for our little buddy's first halloween. i guarantee he will be the most precious infant out there this year.