Sunday, December 21, 2008

finding joy

today i feel very blessed.

i am watching my beautiful baby play with a book. he is such a good boy--so well-behaved, and sweet, and such a happy, laid back baby. he is fun to watch and his smile makes my whole world better. he is strong, and healthy, and looks just like his handsome daddy.

i am so blessed to have such a hard-working, supportive, loving husband. i can't believe he is still here by my side after everything i have put him through. i have a lot of unresolved issues, as you all know, and the effects of those have been devastating to our relationship, to his feelings, and to me. but he is still here, still asking me what he can do to help me, and still loving me. he took the day off today to be with us and i am so glad!

i am amazed at how many gifts we have under our tree. we didn't think we would have much of a christmas because money is tight here (like everywhere else). but then some things worked out for us--i got a christmas bonus--hubby worked overtime--and we figured out how to get some gifts for each other. and some fun gifts for little buddy! (even a bone for the dog!)

i am so blessed to have such a beautiful home. i love this little house. i wish we could pick it up and transplant it elsewhere. but i am grateful that we have a house that we can pay the mortgage for. i'm glad we aren't one of the millions of people going through foreclosure. we have heat, we have power, we have running water, we have a roof over our heads to protect us from the freezing weather outside.

i am also grateful for my extended family. my grandparents, who are on a fixed income, sent us a check for $120 last week. i nearly cried. i am so lucky to have family who loves me so much. for my parents and my siblings. even though they can be crazy, i still love them. and i know they love me. they may go about doing things differently than i would, but i know they have the best of intentions and want nothing more than for me to be happy. same for my in-laws. i love them, too, and in some ways get along with them better than my own family. the crazy is there, too, but they still love us. and i know they love me. i have been surprised at how they have treated me like their own child.

i'm grateful for my dog. sometimes she is stupid. sometimes she gets in trouble. she is sick a lot, which is frustrating. she is almost always in the way, right under your feet. but she is a sweet dog, and she would do anything to protect us. she is so good with the baby. she gets so worried when he cries, and runs to him when he gets hurt. for the most part she obeys us, even though she hasn't had any kind of training.

i also have the best cat in the world. she loves to cuddle, she talks to me, she's good with the baby too (as in she runs away from him instead of swiping at him) and she is just so fun.

i'm grateful for my cell phone, for the internet, for this laptop i use every single day, for the tv, for the ability to learn, and grow, and change. i'm grateful for warm blankets and fuzzy socks. i'm grateful for hot water, bubble baths, and blow dryers. i'm grateful for food to eat and the ability to cook a decent meal. i'm grateful for my talents--art, music, writing. i'm grateful for beauty in the world. i'm grateful for good friends that stick by me through everything. some of whom have been there for me through my insanity since the second grade. i'm grateful for the childlike joy i get when a christmas card comes, looking at christmas lights, our christmas tree, and the pretty little nativity scene we have.

i'm grateful for the knowledge that i have of Jesus Christ and his atonement. not so much for repentance--although i'm grateful for that, too--but for the fact that he knows my pain. he knows my struggles. he knows exactly how i feel, and what i am going through. he has borne my cross, my cross of depression, of the pain of abuse, of the self-hatred and of the self-doubt. i know that i am not alone, even when i feel so alone and cut off from every other human being on the planet.

i'm grateful for christmas, for the constant reminders of Christ we get at this time of year, for the opportunities to serve others.


Ethereal Highway said...

This will be your baby's first Christmas? That's awesome. Those lovely little smiles are so precious.
{{{{{{Cornnut's baby}}}}}}

Kaylynn said...

I am always glad that you share your good days with us as well as your bad days. Have a great first Christmas with your baby!

spencer said...

Im grateful for you baby. And beef jerky, lots and lots of beef jerky :)