Wednesday, December 31, 2008

nightmare

i have had this nightmare, just beginning this last week.

i am in a cold, snowy, wooded place. there is a hill, with a road covered in snow--impassible to cars. my dad is standing there. we are inside a room i am surrounded by four other women, girls really, girls i don't really know. i am trying to tell my dad something--i am in danger. he knows something is wrong. i can't say anything to him verbally, i am trying to communicate with my eyes. my dream self is terrified, my actual self doesn't know why. my dad smiles at me, but with concern in his eyes, and leaves. i don't know why he leaves. but i think he has to--he doesn't want to. my dad has always wanted to protect me.

i find out from the other girls there is a man taking things from them. in my dream, he is taking literal things from them. i find out they are kept in a fridge, at the bottom of this hill, where the man is outside in a clearing. the other girls are sitting in a car at the top of the hill. i am able to steal back one thing from the man out of the fridge without him noticing. inside the fridge are little tupperwares, clear with a blue lid on each. inside is white frosting. (it looks like frosting.) i get away with a small one, slowly sneak up the hill and get to the top to meet up with the other four girls, who are still sitting in the car. it is a convertible. i give the tupperware back to the girl it belongs to. i tell them to leave, to run away. then the man comes up the hill. (my dream self does not recognize this man, he had a face, but it was no one i know.) he pulls out a gun. i am standing on the sidewalk, screaming hysterically as i watch him shoot and kill all four of the girls in the car. i am left alone, realizing i am in what should be a busy place. it looks like a mall. he throws the gun down in the parking lot.

then he comes after me. i cry, i scream. there is no one around to hear me. he yells. his eyes terrify me. he beats me, he takes off my clothes, slapping my face. jerking me around by my wrists. (something i HATE...because i feel so powerless, i can't fight back, i panic when someone grabs my wrists to control my arms.) he starts to undress, threatening me, telling me what he's going to do to me. just before he rapes me, i wake up. sweating, breathing hard, sometimes crying, and always terrified.

i don't sleep well anymore.

2 comments:

Skylar, Jausi and Baby Capree! said...

I've had a very similar dream, well dreams. When I have I dont sleep for weeks sometimes. If you need to talk I'm here. I have been in very similar circumstances and I appreciate this blog and you being courageous enough to talk about these things.. Honestly I can't yet on most things, but you give me hope that someday I can stand strong as a survivor as well.

JAG said...

Oh hunny. That's aweful. I'm so sorry. :(