Friday, December 19, 2008

maybe a breakthrough

have you ever felt like you're trapped inside your own head? inside your own body? like you're not really meant to be there, you're struggling to get out, but you are locked in?

i'm not sure how much of this is depression, how much of it is personality, how much of it is because of normal life struggles. and how much of it stems from abuse. but regardless of where it comes from, it's frustrating. and difficult to handle.

last night hubby tried to get me to open up. i can't. i just...can't....lately. i am so lost inside my own mind that it is impossible to find a way out. and i'm scared. downright terrified to deal with all of the dark corners inside myself. if i open up a little, i'm afraid the floodgates will come crashing down and i will seriously lose my sanity. as it is, i'm barely holding on to it. i get defensive, and angry, and agitated when he pushes me to talk to him. part of it, too, is that i don't want him to see what is going on inside my head. i am scared that he will run away screaming. that he will stick me in a hospital. that he will wonder why he married me.

throughout my life i have had periods of time like this. dark, scary, lonely days and weeks and months. i had different ways of dealing with it. hiding (which i still do) in my room, under my covers. fought with my mom. acted out toward my siblings. did stupid things with my friends. (like jumping out of a tree into a river in the middle of the night, when i had no idea how deep the water was or where the rocks ended and the river began.) played the piano. wrote in a journal. created dark and scary works of art....illustrations of the inside of my mind. a lot of people have been disturbed by them. but one of the scary things about them to me is the way that others have been able to relate. to look at them and understand. i don't want anyone else to feel the way that i do.

last night i couldn't sleep again. i am always exhausted, always feeling lethargic, and sometimes i can sleep for 15 hours straight without a problem. then other nights, most nights, i am totally exhausted and my brain is going so fast there is no way i can sleep. so i got up and went downstairs. and then it hit...inspiration. not the regular kind of inspiration. the kind i haven't experienced in a few years. artistic inspiration. i found a pen and i started to draw...and suddenly i had an illustration of the inside of my mind again. just like i used to. just like when i was 18 and i had a million ideas forming in my head. just like when i believed i could really make it as an artist. and then the words i'd been searching for came to my head. the words i couldn't find to describe my feelings: suffocating. helpless. trapped. alone. struggling.

when i was done, i actually felt better. lighter. not happy...but not so dark and depressed, either. for so long i have had the desire to return to my art...but no desire to put the effort forth. i haven't had the desire to put forth effort in much of anything for a long time. perhaps this is a breakthrough. perhaps this one drawing will spur me forward.

i sure could use your prayers. and so could my hubby. i know he is just as lost, feeling just as helpless as i am. he is frustrated and hurt by my behavior. in fact...send your prayers to him. he needs them more than i do.

and the quest for happiness continues. the quest for normalcy continues....the quest for therapy continues.


Mother of the Wild Boys said...

You'll both be in my prayers.

Ethereal Highway said...

...just like when i believed i could really make it as an artist...

If you are drawing, you ARE making it as an artist. Good for you! It is so easy to get locked out of creativity by the feelings you decsribed in your post.

RhondaLue said...

prayers on their way...keep trying.