i can't hide from my childhood

last night was....horrific. to say the least. it has been a very long time since i've had a night like that. flashbacks...nightmares...the feeling of fear. terror. loneliness. every time i closed my eyes, i was back there, six years old again, confused, hurt and scared. panic attacks...my chest hurts. i feel as if there is a huge void behind my ribs, and they are so constricted, so tight, i cannot breathe, my lungs will not inflate. i sob hysterically, which makes the breathing more difficult than it already is. i feel as if i might die. today i am still feeling the effects of it. i'm exhausted. i barely slept. my body is weary from the emotional pain. my mind is slower today.

london bridges falling down
like my dreams it hits the ground
crushed and broken with despair
they're left forgotten and dying there
rock a bye baby
in the treetops
please let me sleep so the pain will stop
i'm just so tired and sick of trying
of playing this game while my soul is dying
mirror, mirror, on the wall
i want to fly -- you make me crawl
how did i ever come to be
this person looking back at me
twinkle, twinkle, little star
up there in heaven, you seem so far
oh God above, take away these chains
cleanse my soul,
let me live again.

"not quite a nursery rhyme,"
written by a 13-year old abuse victim
(not me)

lucky for me....i have a husband who, middle of the night and all, woke up to comfort me. to hold me and tell me it will all be okay, that there is nothing that can hurt me. that he loves me. that he is there to protect me.

you know how they say God works through other people to help us? last night (and every night) God works through my husband.