Thursday, November 13, 2008

warning: this post is full of self pity.

i am stuck in a rut of depression. and i'm sick of it.

for the last week or so i've been really down. i don't have a reason to be, i just am. i'm tired all the time, i have no interest in doing anything, and if i could i'd just stay in bed all day and all night. last night, i went to bed at 7:30 and (minus the few times i got up with the baby) stayed there sleeping until 10:30 am. that's like 15 hours! it was FANTASTIC because i rarely sleep, but it was NOT fantastic because then i know i won't be able to sleep tonight. the sleep gods have decided i abused my new found ability to snooze and have now taken their blessings and good will away.

i'm sorry if i'm depressing the few of you that read my blog. because i really don't want to depress you. and i realize that my last few posts have not been happy or upbeat. please bear with me, this ugly cycle will turn again and i will soon be on top of the world. well, hopefully soon.

i just feel like my life is so...stagnant. my routine never changes. occasionally hubby and i will go out and do something, but never for very long. and ultimately i end up back at home, back in the same routine. pick up the house/avoid picking up the house. take care of the baby. go to work. watch tv. go to bed. toss and turn and sleep very little. get up in the morning and repeat. i have very little energy and i'm crabby a lot. when i do actually clean my house, i swear it takes twenty minutes and it's a mess again. so then i think, what's the point? i hate doing it, i have to force myself to do it anyway, and it takes every ounce of sanity i have. and then i come home from work and there are dishes all over, and toys all over, and the table is covered in stuff, and clothes all over the floor again. (i think there are trolls or evil gnomes or something that do it.)

so here i am complaining again. and i'm sure you don't want to listen to me complain. heck, i hate listening to me complain.

but now i'm off, back to work, and back to monotony.

any kind of good wishes, and good will, and prayers, and happy thoughts any of you feel like sending my way would be very much appreciated. i need to figure out a way to yank myself out of this hole i've dug. and at this point, i know i can't do it alone.


Untypically Jia said...

I hear you chica. I've been down in the dumps lately too (though I've been blaming mine on the election LOL, which you can't do cause your guy won LOL!) *hugs* Depression sucks. It sounds to me like you're going through some seasonal affective disorder like me though.

Check out this article, I hope it helps:

liss said...

I don't know that yanking helps . . . at least it fails for me. Life is cyclical including our moods and sometimes if we let ourselves just sit and be whatever we are being it goes away. I've done this many-a-time the urge is to fight the unpleasantness but I have found that just letting myself feel whatever I'm keeping myself from feeling is helpful.

Or . . . when things are really just too hard I get down on my knees and pray to feel grateful for the difficulty, even expressing gratitude for it. I have found it difficult and worthwhile.

JAG said...

Hey let's get together and have a self-loathing pity party. (NO sarcasm intended!) This week has been the week from HELL! It only got worse after my last post (if you happened to read that). I'm struggling to stay above water at this point. :(

Mother of the Wild Boys said...

Right there with ya. And it's driving me crazy. But hang in there. You're surely not alone. :)

Lilly's Life said...

Oh you poor thing. Just ride it out but if that feeling doesnt go away go get it checked out. Try an dthink of some different things to do to give you something to look forward to. Life is a routine sometimes and dead boring and everyone gets a little down. Sounds like you needed the sleep though. Take Care of yourself. Its good that you say these things on your blog and get it out of your system. Many feel the same way including me. Its all normal.

Julia said...

Hey I just wanted to let you know that I totally relate to your posts. I found you off fMh, and wish that I could go back to blogging with such open candor. Hope it is okay if I visit from time to time.