seeing past the grime

today i am feeling better physically. yesterday was awful.

with little buddy, i was really sick. i had terrible migraines and i would pass out for no apparent reason. dizziness, weakness, on top of the nausea/vomiting/exhaustion/other fun pregger stuff. i spent the majority of my pregnancy in bed wishing i could die, crying, and attempting to get rid of the pain by sleeping. i am really hoping that i don't have those problems, at least not as severe, with this pregnancy. i have already had issues with headaches, and yesterday was miserable. i had a terrible migraine complete with blurred vision and light/sound sensitivity. thankfully hubby is understanding and supportive.

i am still very stressed out about the timing of this baby. but the good news is that i am feeling better. i have been able to talk to hubby about my fear and my stress. i also got to talk to my mom about it today. although i am still scared out of my mind about my ability to handle my impending illness and take care of little buddy the way he needs and deserves, plus keep working to maintain my financial income, i am feeling better about it. i'm still not....exactly excited....but i am happier. in fact i am looking forward to having two beautiful babies. being a mother is the most fantastic thing in the world, the best thing i have ever experienced, and i imagine it only gets better as it gets harder.

both hubby and my mom said exactly the same thing to me today. things they have both said as long as they have known me. they told me that i am stronger than i think i am. that any failures come from me setting myself up, discouraging myself and beating myself up. not allowing myself to succeed. they both told me that i am a good person, a strong person, a wonderful mother. i have never really believed either of them. i try--but i don't think hard enough.

my mom brought over this picture she has had of me as long as i can remember--hanging in her bedroom. it is large, about 10x13, of me when i was about two years old. i am on the sidewalk by our house, bent at the knee and holding a couple dandelions. on the sidewalk next to me are a few more that i am picking up. i am smiling and happy. my mom cried when she gave me the picture. it is her favorite, one my grandmother had printed and gave to her. she said that she had been thinking about this picture a lot lately, especially with all of the struggles i have faced with the aftermath of my abuse. she felt inspired to bring it to me today. she told me to look at the picture, and use it to help me to find myself. to remember who i really am. that i am a strong, happy, daughter of God. that experiences do not determine who i am or whether i am a bad person or good. she said that she knows who i really am inside, that she knows i can find it--i just have a lot of things to clear out of the way before i can see it. she said she has watched me grow up, watched me struggle and fall, watched me in so much pain after what was taken from me. but in spite of all of that, she said she could always see what was inside of me, even when i couldn't. even though i still can't.

hubby says the same thing. although he hasn't known me my whole life, he didn't know me before i was abused, he can still see what i can't: the person i really am. he tells me how strong, and intelligent, and beautiful i am inside, and what a good person i am. i know he gets frustrated that i don't see it. i know it hurts him that i don't listen to him or believe him.

but maybe, just maybe, he is right. maybe my mom is right. maybe i am worth something. maybe i am a good person...maybe all of this junk, all of this pain, and hurt, and anger, and self-loathing is just hiding the true me. like a penny, left in the dirt, covered in grime. clean it off and it's beautiful, shining, pretty.

at this point i'm still too scared and hurt to see past the grime. but maybe there's a faint glimmer of hope....and although it's a cautious hope, it's still hope....like from pandora's box. thousands of ugly, terrible, horrible things, all covering the most important thing in the world: HOPE.