Tuesday, November 3, 2009

phone call

the past couple of days have been hard. i've been really emotional and kind of depressed. i think it's the fact that i haven't been sleeping well at all, and when i do sleep it's interrupted every 3-4 hours by a nursing baby. the lack of sleep and resulting exhaustion leads to emotional exhaustion.

today has been a bit better. i'm lucky to have a supportive hubby who tells me that he loves me and does what he can to help me feel better.

this morning i was chasing my toddler around and trying to clean up a bit, and the phone rang. weird phone call....it was my old therapist. i only saw her a few times until our insurance changed and she was no longer covered. it was pushing it just paying the ridiculous copay for mental health so having to pay full price to see her was out of the question. i never found another therapist. hubby and i have discussed several times my returning to therapy but i just haven't done anything about it. she called me this morning to find out how i was doing. she asked me if i had gone back to therapy, and said she had been thinking about me and wondering how i was dealing with things. she said that she felt a connection to me and really believed that she could help me.

i told her no, i hadn't been in therapy but i needed to go back, i just hadn't found another therapist. she said that even though my insurance doesn't cover her she could probably see me for $50 an hour (as opposed to the $200 or so she usually charges). i told her i'd have to talk to hubby, because that's still really steep for us right now. copays alone are hard. hubby and i discussed it, we can probably swing one visit a month. i have to admit that i'm excited and anxious and scared to go back to therapy. i know i need it, without a doubt i really need it, but i also know that it's going to open up a lot of crap i just want to bury. but the wounds have to be reopened to properly heal. the prospect of that....is terrifying. but i'm just at the point in my life where i need it to be over. i need it to be in the past, to be able to function properly, and for more than a few months at a time until i lose control. it's more than just me, and even my hubby. it's more than just my sanity and our relationship on the line now. i have two beautiful children who deserve to have a mother who isn't a basket case.

i don't know when i'll be going back to therapy. i hope this actually works out. i need to fix this hugely dysfunctional part of myself.


Colleen said...

Good for you, going back to therapy! I know what you mean about being anxious and scared and excited all at the same time! It is hard for sure. Hope it helps you to know you are not alone. Thanks for visiting my blog!

SapphireDreams said...

I can so understand what you are feeling. I started therapy 10 months ago. This has been by far the longest that I have been anywhere. I was so scared when I started and even before....the thought made me sick. Now I am ok with it and by far it has been a mile step for me to stick with it. The other ones that I went could only get me so far and then I would reach my breaking point only to never return. I am glad that I chose to go back and stick it out. I am sure you will feel that way in the long run. Good Luck!

Kaylynn said...

Good luck--the therapist sounds like a very caring person.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I know it's still a lot of money, but that was nice of your old therapist to check in with you and offer you the reduced rate. I hope you can swing it and it will work out for you. It's hard work, of course, but you deserve to heal!

JAG said...

I hope that works out for you! I've been thinking that maybe I should start going to a therapist again - I don't have any insurance. :\
We got your cute announcement yesterday! She's adorable!!
Let me know if you need anything!