the past couple of days have been hard. i've been really emotional and kind of depressed. i think it's the fact that i haven't been sleeping well at all, and when i do sleep it's interrupted every 3-4 hours by a nursing baby. the lack of sleep and resulting exhaustion leads to emotional exhaustion.
today has been a bit better. i'm lucky to have a supportive hubby who tells me that he loves me and does what he can to help me feel better.
this morning i was chasing my toddler around and trying to clean up a bit, and the phone rang. weird phone call....it was my old therapist. i only saw her a few times until our insurance changed and she was no longer covered. it was pushing it just paying the ridiculous copay for mental health so having to pay full price to see her was out of the question. i never found another therapist. hubby and i have discussed several times my returning to therapy but i just haven't done anything about it. she called me this morning to find out how i was doing. she asked me if i had gone back to therapy, and said she had been thinking about me and wondering how i was dealing with things. she said that she felt a connection to me and really believed that she could help me.
i told her no, i hadn't been in therapy but i needed to go back, i just hadn't found another therapist. she said that even though my insurance doesn't cover her she could probably see me for $50 an hour (as opposed to the $200 or so she usually charges). i told her i'd have to talk to hubby, because that's still really steep for us right now. copays alone are hard. hubby and i discussed it, we can probably swing one visit a month. i have to admit that i'm excited and anxious and scared to go back to therapy. i know i need it, without a doubt i really need it, but i also know that it's going to open up a lot of crap i just want to bury. but the wounds have to be reopened to properly heal. the prospect of that....is terrifying. but i'm just at the point in my life where i need it to be over. i need it to be in the past, to be able to function properly, and for more than a few months at a time until i lose control. it's more than just me, and even my hubby. it's more than just my sanity and our relationship on the line now. i have two beautiful children who deserve to have a mother who isn't a basket case.
i don't know when i'll be going back to therapy. i hope this actually works out. i need to fix this hugely dysfunctional part of myself.