Thursday, November 5, 2009

looking for the end, it isn't in sight

i'm sitting here in bed and battling a sudden bout of depression. i really don't know where it came from or why. i'm relaxing and holding a sleeping angel and watching project runway. i have no real reason to be depressed....do i? so why am i feeling this way?

i try so hard to focus on the positive in my life. hubby calls me an "eternal optimist" and reminds me that everything isn't sunshine and roses. how ironic it is that with most things this is how i feel, how i perceive the world....and yet at times everything is so dark and dreary and i'm lonely here in my head. sometimes the depression jumps out and swallows me whole before i even have time to react.

so how do i get outside of my own head? i get so lost, like i'm in one of those giant european mazes made out of bushes and the sun is setting, it's getting dark, i'm surrounded by the same thing, the same thing, the same thing, everywhere i turn....dead ends....going in circles....the light dissipates into the night and i'm alone in a strange and terrifying place with no hope of getting out. i need a guide, a map, a gps, even a tower to climb just to look over the garden so i can at least see the end. how far away is the exit? even if it's a mile away just knowing it's there gives me hope and determination. without being able to see it, even though i know it's there it just doesn't feel real.

what does feel real to me right now is the fear, the helpless fear, the lonely thoughts inside my head. i have a loving husband and supportive family and friends. i know they're there, but they just don't understand. they just don't get what it's like to be surrounded by people and still feel so alone. i've never had a problem connecting to people....but in this sense every connection i have is cut off and i'm floating alone in a cold dark ocean of terror.

i want to sleep. i'm exhausted. my children are actually sleeping...i could go to sleep. but i know that if i turn off the tv, shut off the computer, lay down....i'll be left alone with nothing but the thoughts in my head and the fear in my chest.

so here i go....off to check my facebook for the thousandth time. off to check my empty email inbox for the ten thousandth time. off to try to push these thoughts out of my head and watch tv, hope that christopher will finally get kicked off and someone will just tell irena to shut up and stop being such a witch.

.....why is it that when i'm surrounded by chaos i crave a few hours to be alone, and by myself, and i get it, and i want the chaos and company?

5 comments:

AmyPoll said...

I love you...just know that your friends and family are here for you...no matter what. You are one of the strongest women I know...hold your head high and remember that this will pass and you will feel good again. Know that you can call me anytime if you need to talk...even at 3 in the morning. You will feel better and just remember that you are loved and supported by many people...draw on their love and strength. YOU ARE A STRONG, AMAZING WOMAN AND I LOVE YOU...remember that!!!

AmyPoll said...

I forgot to tell you...I will send you an invite to your blog, but I need you to email me at amypoll13@yahoo.com so that I can send you the invite. I hope you start feeling better.

Paula and Kevin Palmer said...

Hey first of all you are amazing!! I know you will get passed this and it is totally normal. I had the baby blues when I first had Alex it was crazy and it was so hard! I couldn't imagine having 2 kids yet so kuddo's to you!!! I am here for you if you need to talk!

* Sky * Jausi * Capree * said...

Oh how much I relate to this post. I had a very similar day only instead of drowning out my thoughts with everything else, I cried and tried to make them go away, with no luck still here I am reading your post. I wish I could help you, but please know that reading your post tonight, if nothing else you've helped a friend know that I'm not the only one who does this and feels this way. :) good luck, I'm here if you ever need an extra distraction from your own thoughts. And here if you just need to talk.

April said...

:( I'm finally with you a little. It seems no matter where we are in life we always find reason (or sometimes lack of reason) to just be freaking sad. And the more people say "I'm here for you" or "if you need anything..." the more I want to be sad...for some reason. It seems like life just isn't fair and I keep wondering what I did wrong to get punished.

Since my hubby is in the hospital and I'm infertile and now poor from med bills and all these horrible things...I think of one of my good friends. Her hubby is in a coma right now, she's worse off financially, and she's six years older than me and can't get preggo. I feel horrible for feeling sad for myself when other people are going through much worse. Like that lady on the Biggest Loser who lost her ENTIRE family in a car crash?

Anywhoo...I'm sorry:( And no one has the right to feel any more or less sad than anyone else, you know. Even if you have a beautiful baby and family...it's still okay!

anyway...I'm rambling...lol