Thursday, November 19, 2009


i hate him.
sometimes i really, really hate him.

i hate him for ruining me.
for damaging me.
for breaking my soul into a splintered mirror.
for making my life a living hell.

i hate him for making me hate myself.

i hate him for making my marriage difficult. being married is already hard enough.
i hate him for making being a mother that much harder.
i hate him because i know i am a worse mother because of him and what he has done to me.

sometimes i wish i could tell him how i really feel. sometimes i wish i could throw something at his head. sometimes i wish i could ruin his life the way he has mine. sometimes i wish i could put all of my anger, hurt, tears, depression, hopelessness, fear, and anxiety right back on him.

i hate his face. i hate his voice. i hate his touch. i hate his smell. i hate how i am reminded of him constantly. i hate that i have to separate reality from the hell that he has put inside my head. i hate that those around me suffer, the ones i love most, because of the suffering he has inflicted on me. i hate that i have to relive what he has done to me, over and over again, turning me from an adult back into a little girl.

i hate what he has done to my family.

i hate that i am triggered by stupid things.

but most of all....i hate feeling this way.

i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.

i just needed to get that out.


SapphireDreams said...

Well said! I totally understand where you are coming from. I wish there was a miracle drug out there that would block out all the bad shit that happened to us when we were younger. I wish I could make it all better but I cant. Safe hugs from my way to yours.

peachytiffers said...

When I first started reading your blog a while back, I had no clue what you had been through and I wasn't sure if this was your blog or not. You are an amazing woman!! You have always been amazing as long as I have known you!!! I can't imagine the pain you must have felt and continue to feel, but never forget that you are amazing! He is nothing. He deserves none of your time. I know you are a wonderful mother and wife. I love that you are able to use art, and this blog to help express and work through your feelings. You're story will continue to help many to grow. Thank you for the time that you have put into it.