fighting back!

it is time for me to stop wallowing and start making more of an effort to be happy again. last night was the worst night so far in this bout of depression. and i woke up in the same mood.

well, i'm not going to let it last any longer. at least i'm going to do my best. my house is a disaster, and because of the depression i have had no desire and no energy to do anything with it. then i've had anxiety and been even more upset because it's a disaster. it's a deadly cycle, i tell you!

so after i'm done with this post, i'm getting up off my rear end and i am going to clean. i am going to scrub my bathrooms. do laundry. wash my dishes. pick up the junk sitting out all over the place. vacuum. and then this afternoon i'm going to work in my yard and get it ready for the winter. and i am going to force myself to do it, no matter how tired or depressed i am. my strategy is this: if i force myself to expend energy, and get involved in a huge project, and don't stop until i'm finished, i will feel better.

my second strategy is this:

i am going to concentrate on the good, and the bad things will be taken from me. i painted this when i was in high school--and going through a similar bout of depression. i remember thinking i had to get rid of it. so i put my desires into art, and it helped immensely. as i depicted the light, the good, taking pieces of my unhappiness away, i felt so much better. the depression and the darkness was still there, chasing after me, trying to grab me. but i was running as hard and as fast as i could in the other direction.

so now, i am running. some times that running is really me dragging myself on my stomach. and sometimes it's inching forward very slowly. but as long as i'm moving i'm making progress.

so here's to scrubbing my house and escaping the darkness i've housed in my head for far too long.