trying to stay positive

i posted yesterday that i had lost my job. i wasn't really in the mood for talking about it. i am really upset about losing that job....i loved working where i did. i have spent a lot of time in jobs i can't stand, it was so great to find one i enjoyed. plus the loss of income is a big deal. the fact that i've been so sick during this pregnancy....i doubt i'll be able to find another job. i'm really depressed about it. i feel like a failure. this puts a lot more pressure on my hubby, too. sigh.

my doctor's appointment on monday went pretty well. i meant to post about it earlier but with the job thing i haven't wanted to. we heard the baby's heartbeat again. i've lost some weight though because of how sick i've been, so the dr wants me to come back in two weeks instead of four. he gave me scripts for phenergan and zofran to try to help me keep food down. it's helped some. usually in the evening i'm sick again but at least it's not so bad during the day.

my grandma is in the hospital again. she's been really sick since christmas. for the longest time they couldn't figure out what was wrong--then discovered that she has lung disease, that looks like that of someone who has smoked their entire life. she has never smoked. she's had heart problems in the past, so it took them awhile to get her meds to where they could do anything with her lungs. she was doing better so they released her. but then yesterday she went back to the cardiologist and they discovered the right side of her heart was barely working. they immediately admitted her to the icu. later that day she was transferred to a bigger and better hospital. we are all really worried about her. she is still really young....68 years old. if you pray, it would be great if you could pray for her. i love my grandma so much, i don't want to lose her. at least not for awhile.

on a positive note, my sister came to see me yesterday. (not the one who is engaged.) she is in town for spring break and we spent a few hours together. it was good to see her. we walked around a little shopping center together and talked. she is 19, and i can't believe how grown up she is. when i left home she was in junior high. i miss spending time with my family. even though they've moved closer i still don't get to see them as much as i'd like. we are going to the zoo tomorrow with two of my sisters and their boys. i think it will be fun, i'm looking forward to it.

i'm trying to stay positive right now. it just seems like i can't get ahead with anything lately. it's frustrating. poor hubby is stressed out as well. if we could sell our house...man, that would be great. maybe soon. i just have to keep a little bit of hope alive.

22nd blog carnival against child abuse

the new blog carnival against child abuse is up. rising rainbow is hosting it over at my clouds, my storm, and multiple personality disorder. the theme for this edition is "telling the secret." my post victims who suffer silently is up. there are also a bunch of other great posts, go check it out.

hurray. (sarcasm)

so much for going back to work. i lost my job. they need someone who can work more hours than i am able to. i cried.

still stumped on post titles

today i have an appointment with my doctor. i am 11 weeks today. in some ways i feel this pregnancy is dragging on and on, and then when i think about the fact that it's already march 9 and i am nearly in my second trimester i can't believe how fast time flies. with little buddy, my pregnancy was the longest nine months of my life. but this time, i think because i already have one child to take care of, it is going by a little faster.

i am so grateful that i have such a loving and supportive husband. i know that this has been so hard on him. i have been so sick that he has had to take on a lot around the house. in addition to doing more for the baby, plus working 40 hours a week, taking care of me, and sometimes coming home from work early because i just can't take care of little buddy the way he needs. he has been awesome and i couldn't do anything without him. i can't imagine being married to someone who wouldn't help out or would complain about it all the time.

my in-laws and my family have helped, too. my mother in law has come over to help with little buddy and saturday my little brother and sister took turns helping me. i'm so glad that they are close enough to help, and willing to do so. my sister even told me i should call her more. i guess it helps that my son is the most adorable baby in the world and they all love him like crazy.

i really need to get back to work. i know that they are hurting without me there, and we sure need the money. i have been so sick....i just need to figure out a way to get back as soon as i can. luckily i seem to do a little better in the afternoons, when i would be working. mornings are bad and nights are terrible. somehow it will work out. hopefully sooner rather than later.

i am so jealous of all those women who have pregnancies that are easy. even those who are nauseated all the time but still able to handle daily life. if it weren't for these stupid headaches, and the vertigo, and the risk of syncope, i'd be able to deal with the nausea and throwing up without it totally interfering with my life. some women never even have the nausea. i guess it's useless to wish and to be jealous, it won't change anything and really makes me feel worse. i am grateful that i am able to have children. i have so many friends who aren't, or who have had difficulty doing so, and i know how hard it is for them. when i think about that i just feel so guilty for complaining. being a mother is the best thing in the world and i wouldn't give it up for anything.

this post shall be called...untitled.

yesterday we bit the bullet and bought a new computer. we have been having problems with ours for a long time. we bought something smaller and much more inexpensive, but that will be great for internet use and our digital camera. that's pretty much all we use the computer for anyway.

also a little bit of good news on the home selling front. we contested our appraisal and were able to lower it by $4,000 which means we can set the MLS lower. this is a very good thing. we are hoping that we will get more interest in it again.

the past couple of days i have been feeling a little better. yesterday i was well enough to walk around costco for a little bit. today i'm not feeling too great but i'm hoping that will improve as the day goes on.

so now for some help. little buddy has been throwing tantrums lately. hubby and i have read about them and what to do. we think we have some pretty good ideas. anyone else have kids who threw tantrums at 12 months? any ideas on what we should do?

wedding bells are ringing...

my little sister called me last night. she's engaged! she is getting married in july. crazy. her missionary came home less than a month ago. she is really happy and i am happy for her. what bugs me is my parents. when i told them i wanted to get married, i got a lecture and was told i wasn't ready and this was such a big committment and i was rushing into it. with my sister, it's all excitement and happiness. it bugs me so badly the way that my parents treat me so differently from the rest of my siblings. they've always been so much harder on me, expected more of me, been more demanding of me. and i can't live up to their expectations. it makes me sick inside. just once i would like them to be happy and excited for me the way they are for my siblings. it is somewhat comforting, although angering as well, because my youngest sister seems to be having similar problems. she understands what i went through, and i'm not alone. but it makes me so mad that they would do the same types of things with her. i know every child is different. but i think my mom punished me just because i was the oldest child. when she was growing up her older sister got everything and she was pushed aside...so she compensated for that by being harder on me. it's so not fair that i have had to suffer for her issues.

things have gotten better as i've gotten older, which i am thankful for. i think they've stopped trying to control me the way they did before.

on a side note: did anyone watch the bachelor last night? what a freaking jerk! i couldn't believe it. the idiot proposed to melissa after sending molly home. then on the "after the last rose" show, he broke up with melissa because he couldn't stop thinking about molly, then asked for a second chance with her. totally broke melissa's heart. and he was such an idiot about the way he did it, too. poor girl. i hope molly dumps him.

fishy fishy fishy

i apologize for the length between posts recently. i get on every day...and realize i have nothing new to talk (ahem...complain) about and so i don't. still having nightmares. still really sick. gross, gross, gross.

yesterday i was feeling a bit better so we went to the local aquarium as a family. they have a new exhibit open since the last time we went and it was pretty cool. the best part was that little buddy was old enough to sort of understand what was going on. the first time he went, he was maybe five weeks old and slept through most of it. this time, he pointed to the fish and tried to splash in the water at the petting pond. (is that what they're called?) we enjoyed ourselves. by the time we got home, however, my headache was starting to get worse. by the time i went to bed i was seeing flashes of light, had numbness and tingling in my right arm and leg, even some across my abdomen, and i was extremely nauseated. definitely not fun. at least it stayed away long enough for me to get out of the house for a few hours and enjoy my family.

we also had a bit of a scare with our computer this weekend. we kept getting these messages that there had been an internal failure with our hard drive. talk about freak out. luckily my dad was able to help hubby figure out the dos prompts and restore it...there was a file path missing or something. we immediately backed up all of our pictures and video. took me about seven hours to do but we'd been meaning to do it anyway. if we lost all of that we'd be devastated. luckily everything seems to be running fine again. we are thinking about a new computer soon anyway since this one is getting older.

well. i am going to go lay down on the floor and let little buddy climb on me. he rather enjoys that and i still get to lay down. i hope you are all doing well. forgive my absence and lack of comments please!