transformational self portrait: how i was in the past

i wasn't quite sure where to start with this, and to be honest it ended in a much different place than i thought it would. i knew i wanted to do a self-portrait of me as a child, so i went looking through my childhood photos and found one that spoke volumes to me.

i was six...the abuse had started, but i don't know how long exactly it had been going on. it was a candid shot, my grandmother took it. and the look on my face is the one portrayed here. sadness, loneliness, a bleak sort of numbness--detached. the next photo in the pile was one taken on the same day--a smile plastered on my face. a mask. that's what this drawing represents...the mask i forced myself to wear, i was forced to wear, to cover up what he was doing to me. surrounded by tangles of lies, of hurt, of pain, of confusion, of anguish, of darkness--webs of destruction that were wrapping themselves around me and sucking me down. hands waiting in the darkness for me. and all the while, he was telling me it was a game, it was okay, it was our little secret...and i wanted so badly to be cool, to make him happy, to be his friend instead of his obnoxious little niece. what i became was his object, his toy, his tool for his own sick mind.

this is me, in the past. this is me, six years old. this is me, what my child self still looks like inside.

explanation of the transformational self portrait