day three: i am thankful for...

my daughter.

sweet little princess. she is five weeks old now and i can't believe how fast time flies! my little baby girl has only been a part of our family for a short time and it almost feels as if she's been here forever. i love to hold her, to feel her little chest go up and down, to smell her sweet head. i love to touch her tiny fingers and toes, to hold her tiny hand, to kiss her soft skin. i love to hold her close to me, her head on my chest, my arms around her. i love her tiny sighs and her bright wide eyes.

although our little princess was another big surprise, i can't help but feel like it was planned all along. she is so beautiful and so perfect, how could she not be part of our family? i look forward to watching her learn and grow the way i have watched little buddy. i wonder: what will she be like? what will she look like? what will she grow up to be? will she be a dancer, a musician, a rocket scientist? she is so precious and innocent. i want her to stay that way forever. but i also want her to grow up strong, intelligent, and knowing her own self-worth the way i never did. i am so grateful for the opportunity to love and protect her, to teach her what an amazing, beautiful person she is and will become. i am thankful for the opportunity to give her something i didn't have, to give her the knowledge that she is of infinite worth.

i am thankful to be the mother of such a sweet infant. i am thankful for the months of carrying her inside me, in spite of its difficulties, for feeling her move and grow. i am thankful for being able to give birth to such a beautiful child. i am grateful to be given the chance to raise her, to teach her, to love her.

i love you, little princess.

day two: i am thankful for....

my son.

my little buddy is nearly 21 months old and i can hardly believe it. he was a surprise for us, and the first of two of the greatest blessings hubby and i could ever ask for. i can't believe that God has given me such a precious little boy. his beautiful, clear blue eyes that are just like his daddy's, his blond hair, his perfect pale skin (like his mommy), and his sweet personality.

little buddy is learning to talk and just within the last week he has started saying "mommy." every time he says it my heart just melts. what an amazing thing...to be called mommy by my little boy. i have been so amazed while watching him grow and learn. little buddy also knows some sign language. we started teaching him when he was a year and i can't believe how quickly he learns new signs. just today he learned a new sign: coat. (he also attempted horse but didn't quite get it.) he is so smart, and so observant. he will see me or his daddy do something then imitate us--like putting keys up to a doorhandle. the best one recently is that he's been watching me nurse the baby. he'll pick up one of my nursing pads, lift up his shirt, and put it up to his chest like he's seen me do. so cute! and hilarious, too!

i am in awe of the fact that i am a mother, especially the mother of such a bright little boy. i am so grateful to be his mother and try very hard not to take it for granted. i am thankful for his bright smile and beautiful laugh, for his hugs and kisses, for the sweet noises he makes and the way he asks to be picked up.

i love you, little buddy. thank you for being my baby boy.

day one: i am thankful for...

my husband.

it was kind of a fluke chance that i met my husband. but i like to think of it as fate...that we were destined to be together.

we met online, on an LDS dating site. i should have been studying, instead i decided to log on to the site one morning in the library on campus. he sent me a message and we starting chatting. two weeks later we decided to meet in person. our first date started off terribly (that's a story in itself) and ended perfectly. three days after i met him we were officially a couple.

it has been four years since i met him and i am more in love with him now than i ever thought i could be. we have had our ups and downs, and we are making our marriage stronger. we have two beautiful children together.

my husband is a loving father and husband. he would do anything for me or our children, and i know that without a doubt. he is extremely hardworking and does an amazing job providing for our family. he is supportive of me. he gives the best hugs and i think he smells awesome. i like to just sit and look at him when he doesn't think i'm watching because he is such a handsome man. (he sure does have a sexy butt!) his blue eyes make me melt.

i don't know many people more dedicated to doing what they believe is right. he is a very black and white kind of person and i admire that in him. no matter how hard it is he will do what he believes is right, to maintain his integrity. he is compassionate and has spent much of his life giving to and helping people he doesn't know. he has seen horrific things and has come through it a stronger man. working as an emt and a firefighter has given him experience i admire.

throughout all of my personal ups and downs, my breakdowns and tears, he has been there to hold me and comfort me, to yell at me when i need it, to bring me back to reality, to make me feel loved and appreciated. he has been there telling me that i am not worthless, that he loves me and is there for me. he's been there telling me that everything will be okay and he will help me be a better person.

in spite of our disagreements, in spite of the struggles we have had, he has stuck around. he has put up with more crap from me than most anyone could deal with. and in spite of all i've put him through, somehow he still loves me. i marvel at this. i just can't believe that he is still here, still telling me that he loves me and wants to be with me. i doubt i will ever understand what it is he sees in me that makes him want to be with me. i will never understand--but i will always be grateful. i will always be grateful for his sticking with me, for his continuing to love and support me.

i love you honey. you are my greatest blessing. without you i wouldn't have my beautiful children, my life wouldn't be as full as it is. you have completed me and made me a better person, you have shown me perspectives on life that i never would have had otherwise. you have taught me so much. i am thankful for the sacrifices you make for me and to make me happy.

i am so grateful for you.

trying to pull out of it

last night was a hard night.

i cried and fell asleep and felt a bit better.

doing a little better today, although i have a headache and the chills....no fever though. hope i'm not getting sick.

i'm still struggling with this depression. i kind of just want to crawl into bed, cry some more, and hide from the world. but i can't. and i shouldn't, either.

today i found the blog of one of my friends from high school. she is blogging about something she's thankful for every day for this month. i've seen people do this in the past but it had totally slipped my mind. i think maybe that is something that can help me overcome this depression. trying to concentrate on the wonderful blessings i have in my life. while we are already a week into the month, i'm too late to do it every day, but i can start now. and i won't guarantee that i'll do it every day but i will try.

so my next post will be the first of my thankful posts.

looking for the end, it isn't in sight

i'm sitting here in bed and battling a sudden bout of depression. i really don't know where it came from or why. i'm relaxing and holding a sleeping angel and watching project runway. i have no real reason to be depressed....do i? so why am i feeling this way?

i try so hard to focus on the positive in my life. hubby calls me an "eternal optimist" and reminds me that everything isn't sunshine and roses. how ironic it is that with most things this is how i feel, how i perceive the world....and yet at times everything is so dark and dreary and i'm lonely here in my head. sometimes the depression jumps out and swallows me whole before i even have time to react.

so how do i get outside of my own head? i get so lost, like i'm in one of those giant european mazes made out of bushes and the sun is setting, it's getting dark, i'm surrounded by the same thing, the same thing, the same thing, everywhere i turn....dead ends....going in circles....the light dissipates into the night and i'm alone in a strange and terrifying place with no hope of getting out. i need a guide, a map, a gps, even a tower to climb just to look over the garden so i can at least see the end. how far away is the exit? even if it's a mile away just knowing it's there gives me hope and determination. without being able to see it, even though i know it's there it just doesn't feel real.

what does feel real to me right now is the fear, the helpless fear, the lonely thoughts inside my head. i have a loving husband and supportive family and friends. i know they're there, but they just don't understand. they just don't get what it's like to be surrounded by people and still feel so alone. i've never had a problem connecting to people....but in this sense every connection i have is cut off and i'm floating alone in a cold dark ocean of terror.

i want to sleep. i'm exhausted. my children are actually sleeping...i could go to sleep. but i know that if i turn off the tv, shut off the computer, lay down....i'll be left alone with nothing but the thoughts in my head and the fear in my chest.

so here i go....off to check my facebook for the thousandth time. off to check my empty email inbox for the ten thousandth time. off to try to push these thoughts out of my head and watch tv, hope that christopher will finally get kicked off and someone will just tell irena to shut up and stop being such a witch.

.....why is it that when i'm surrounded by chaos i crave a few hours to be alone, and by myself, and i get it, and i want the chaos and company?

phone call

the past couple of days have been hard. i've been really emotional and kind of depressed. i think it's the fact that i haven't been sleeping well at all, and when i do sleep it's interrupted every 3-4 hours by a nursing baby. the lack of sleep and resulting exhaustion leads to emotional exhaustion.

today has been a bit better. i'm lucky to have a supportive hubby who tells me that he loves me and does what he can to help me feel better.

this morning i was chasing my toddler around and trying to clean up a bit, and the phone rang. weird phone call....it was my old therapist. i only saw her a few times until our insurance changed and she was no longer covered. it was pushing it just paying the ridiculous copay for mental health so having to pay full price to see her was out of the question. i never found another therapist. hubby and i have discussed several times my returning to therapy but i just haven't done anything about it. she called me this morning to find out how i was doing. she asked me if i had gone back to therapy, and said she had been thinking about me and wondering how i was dealing with things. she said that she felt a connection to me and really believed that she could help me.

i told her no, i hadn't been in therapy but i needed to go back, i just hadn't found another therapist. she said that even though my insurance doesn't cover her she could probably see me for $50 an hour (as opposed to the $200 or so she usually charges). i told her i'd have to talk to hubby, because that's still really steep for us right now. copays alone are hard. hubby and i discussed it, we can probably swing one visit a month. i have to admit that i'm excited and anxious and scared to go back to therapy. i know i need it, without a doubt i really need it, but i also know that it's going to open up a lot of crap i just want to bury. but the wounds have to be reopened to properly heal. the prospect of that....is terrifying. but i'm just at the point in my life where i need it to be over. i need it to be in the past, to be able to function properly, and for more than a few months at a time until i lose control. it's more than just me, and even my hubby. it's more than just my sanity and our relationship on the line now. i have two beautiful children who deserve to have a mother who isn't a basket case.

i don't know when i'll be going back to therapy. i hope this actually works out. i need to fix this hugely dysfunctional part of myself.

lovely blog award

thanks to enola for the lovely blog award!

she tagged me a few weeks ago but i am just getting around to posting. :)