...(good?) morning

i'm in a really bad mood today.

yesterday i was really sick, some kind of flu. i'm still not feeling great today but at least i'm capable of getting out of bed. being sick puts a lot of strain on my family and i hate that. hubby came home from work to take care of little buddy, which is really hard on him. i feel really guilty about it. i spent most of the day yesterday sleeping and spiraling down in a well of self-pity because i feel like a terrible wife for putting so much on hubby and a terrible mother for not being able to take care of my son. i guess it wouldn't be so bad if i weren't sick so often. with this pregnancy i've been sick a lot. i went to bed in tears and woke up pretty much the same way.

i had terrible nightmares last night. when i wake up in the middle of the night they don't go away. the shadows are full of my nightmares. in the 20 steps from my bed to the bathroom i have panic attacks, waiting for something to jump out at me. i hear them in my head and then have a hard time falling back asleep. i'm not afraid of the dark, really. it's just those nights that the terror comes alive in my head i can't deal with it. i end up huddled under my covers praying that it will just go away. i have these images of violence, anger, death, suicide in my head that just don't want to leave.

lately i've been having weird dreams about my abuser. not necessarily nightmares, which is the weird thing. but dreams about being around him as if nothing happened. that disturbs me as much as the nightmares do, though. how could i possibly go on normally around him, as if nothing ever happened? i know i did it for years, before my parents found out about the abuse, but the thought of carrying on a conversation with him now makes me sick to my stomach. his face pops into my head at random moments. although it doesn't create the panic it used to it is still hard to deal with.

i'm tired of feeling like i have to defend myself constantly, to everyone...even myself. it's like a part of me just can't believe that i'm that bad of a person, while the majority of my insides tell me over and over again how incompetent i am, how incapable of a wife and mother i am, and how i just disappoint everyone. that no matter what i do it just isn't good enough.

i decided to make french toast this morning for little buddy, since i wasn't too involved yesterday. first thing i did was start a fire on my stove. something had spilled on the burner which promptly caught fire. (not a bad one, i promise.) so i moved the pan to a different burner, where i proceeded to burn three pieces of french toast. got a new pan and started over. burned two more pieces. by this time the house was full of smoke and smelled awful. finally got three decent-looking pieces. little buddy got his, liked it, thank goodness, then i ate mine. burnt on the outside and total goo on the inside. i ended up throwing half of it away. what a great start to the day.

i'm sorry if this seems disjointed. i know i complain a lot, i've been told that i do. i just needed to get it out....get it out somewhere that i don't have to look someone in the face while i'm talking, where i don't have to hear a response. i just needed to release a little of the pain i've got pent up inside of me right now. so thanks for letting me purge this.