another week begins

well, it's monday again. i'm working today, tomorrow, and wednesday in the afternoons which is a good thing. turns out we need the extra money more than we thought. why? because we are going out of state this weekend. my husband's grandma had a stroke last week and passed away. it is sad, but also a good thing, for her. she was in her 80s, had been living in an assisted living home for awhile, and had lost her sight and her hearing. her husband passed about 10 years ago, and so i'm sure that she is happy to be with him again. hubby has taken the entire week off with his funeral leave. it will be nice to have him home.

my grandmother is still in the ICU at the hospital. she seems to be doing better, although she is in an incredible amount of pain. we are still not sure how long she will be able to keep fighting this. i'm very worried about her, and it's hard knowing there's nothing i can do other than visit and tell her i love her.

on a little side note, i was slightly surprised that i didn't get many comments on my previous post. would you do me a favor and leave me some feedback if you have a minute? that is the post i submitted for the blog carnival and i would like to edit it if it needs to be edited. thanks!

the touch of the Master's hand

it was battered and scarred and the auctioneer

thought it scarcely worth his while

to waste much time on the old violin,

but held it up with a smile;

"what am i bid good folks?" he cried,

"who'll start the bidding for me?

a dollar, a dollar, then two! only two?

two dollars and who'll make it three?"

"three dollars once and three dollars twice.

going for three..." but no,

from the room far back, a gray-haired man

came forward and picked up the bow;

then wiping the dust from the old violin

and tightening the loose strings,

he played a melody pure and sweet

as a caroling angel sings.

the music ceased, and the auctioneer,

with a sad voice that was quiet and low,

said, "what am i bid for the old violin?"

and he held it up with the bow.

"a thousand dollars, and who'll make it two?

two thousand and who'll make it three?

three thousand once and three thousand twice

and going, and gone," said he.

the people cheered, but some of them said,

"we do not quite understand.

what changed its worth?" quick came the reply,

"'twas the touch of the Master's Hand."

and many a man with life out of tune

and battered and scarred with sin,

is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd,

much like the old violin.

a mess of pottage, a glass of wine,

a game and he travels on.

he's going once and going twice,

he's going and almost gone.

but the Master comes and the foolish crowd

never can quite understand

the worth of a soul and the change that's wrought

by the touch of the Master's hand.

although this poem refers to a man whose life is battered by sin, it speaks to me of my life, battered by abuse. the Master, just as he helps the sinner find his worth, helps those whose worth has been hidden in the tragedy of abuse find theirs as well.

since the announcement of the theme "rebirth and renewal" was made for april's blog carnival against child abuse i have been thinking about it a lot. what does rebirth and renewal mean to me, and how does it apply to my past abuse?

over the course of my childhood i lost sight of who i was. i was angry and i didn't know why. i had no self-esteem and little confidence in myself and my abilities. i was depressed and unable to deal with everyday problems. i began going to counseling at thirteen, which helped some. as i progressed through junior high and high school, i began to see more glimpses of who i really am underneath the pain and anger. but i am still unable to grasp at that knowledge all of the time--in fact, it seems, i rarely am able to see myself for who i really am, who i was before the abuse.

i have had a number of "rebirths" throughout my life and i am sure that i have many more ahead of me. there is one, however, that i am looking forward to with both anticipation and apprehension. a few months ago i spent a week working on myself, working on bringing myself to a point to be ready to confront my past and push myself into the future. while on this difficult and painful journey, with the help of a counselor, i made a decision.

the only way for me to truly be able to move on and let the past be is to tell my abuser what he has done to me.

this statement sends chills of fear and excitement running down my spine. i have a knot in my chest and terrifying images enter my head. i relive nightmares of him laughing at me, throwing it back in my face, victimizing me all over again. and yet there is a part of me that is larger than it has ever been that is determined to tell him exactly what he has done to me, and to my life. a part of me that will demand an apology, that will stand up for myself and dump all of my crap on him--and never look back. that would truly be a rebirth for me.

i have found that no matter what steps i take toward a renewal of the knowledge of who i am, i always fall short--unless i have help. unless i allow myself to be like the old violin, unless i let the Master wipe away the dust of pain and guilt and hurt, to tighten my loose strings, to use His love to play the notes of peace and joy in my soul. just as i am working toward this major step in my healing, i know that i will never make it without His love, His understanding, and His strength bolstering me up. as i think about His love, and His sacrifice for me, the knot in my chest slowly eases, the anxiety i feel slowly ebbs away, and is replaced with peace and a calm assurance that i can do this. my tears of fear and hurt turn to tears of joy and gratitude. i CAN overcome my fears. i CAN put the past behind me and move forward with determination, with confidence, with hope for the future instead of dread.

and the crowd may never understand. in fact, i may never understand what changed within me. but the worth of my soul, as a child of God, will shine through the pain, and the change in my heart will show through the hurt, all because of the touch of the Master's hand.

boy or girl? how to infulence it

even though we know now that a baby's gender is decided at the moment of conception, i thought these old wives' tales were fun. they tell you how to influence the gender of your baby.

1. if you prefer a girl, just sleep with a pink ribbon under your pillow. if you want a boy, then a blue ribbon will do the trick.

2. if dad puts sugar in his boots as you are about to deliver, it will be a girl. if he puts salt in his shoes as your labor pains start, it's a boy.

3. swedish folklore says your pregnancy will shift into male gear if you carry a garlic bud with you wherever you go. for a girl, carry an onion.

how about a plus sign?

well i'm at work. i came in yesterday to pick up some pictures and things that i had on my desk, and my boss asked me to cover for the receptionist who is on vacation this week. she is also going to have me do a few things at home for her. i am so happy about this. not only does it mean some extra money (which we badly need) but i have really missed being at work. even though i'm just sitting at the front desk to answer phones, the paralegal i worked for had me do some filing for her because i do such a good job. it's been so nice to hear everyone say they are glad to see me and they have missed me.

the past few days i have been feeling better, too, which is soooo nice, i can't even tell you. headache is still there but not as bad. nausea is still there but i'm keeping most everything down. dizziness sometimes when i stand too fast but i'm trying really hard not to do that.

my grandmother is still in the ICU. we had a scare on sunday--she nearly didn't make it through saturday night. i went to see her yesterday. she is in an extraordinary amount of pain and was in and out of coherency. my grandfather, however, said that she looks better than she had in a few days, ate some pudding (first food since saturday morning) and they were managing her pain pretty well. she has a very long, hard road ahead but i am trying to be optimistic. hubby and i decided that if our baby is a girl we will give her my grandma's name for a middle name. i love my grandma so much and i couldn't bear to lose her right now. she should live another twenty years. i have been praying so hard for her.

well it's about time to go home. thanks for putting up with my complaining. hopefully things will start looking up and my attitude will change--i'm really trying hard to be happier, more optimistic, and a better person.

boy or girl? tests for dad

1. do you notice mom smile more since she got pregnant? an affirmative answer means you've got a boy on the way. if there are no more smiles or fewer than before, folklore declares that attitude is brought on by a girl.

2. dad, if you are more nervous now that mom is pregnant, expect a girl. a boy will make you feel more relaxed.

3. a lot of household projects come with a pregnancy. if you're getting more projects done around the house, there's a new son in your future. if you're not doing any more than you did before, it's a girl.

4. sometimes fathers gain weight with pregnancy, too. if you get heavier as mom's pregnancy advances, it means a boy is on the way. if that's not the case, you're looking ahead to a girl.

5. pull apart a dried turkey wishbone with mom. if your piece is bigger, it's a son. if mom's is bigger, a daughter is coming.

6. thread a needle and stick it into the eraser head of a pencil. use the thread to dangle the pencil over mom's wrist, then wait for the pencil to start moving. if the pencil swings from side to side, it's a boy. if it sings parallel to mom's arm, it's a girl.

7. put a tissue on a table and ask mom to pick it up. if she grabs the edge of the tissue, she will have a girl. if she grabs one of the four corners, she will have a boy.

8. offer mom a cup of coffee (or hot chocolate) and watch how she picks it up. if you see her pick it up by the handle, her baby is a boy. if she keeps her hands warm by holding the cup by its sides, it's a girl.

9. a romanian old wives' tale says to sneak up behind mom and sprinkle a bit of cornmeal in her hair. the hope she doesn't shake it out before she asks, "why did you do that?" respond by asking her to touch her mouth or her nose. if she touches her mouth, she's pregnant with a girl. if she touches her nose, it's a baby boy.

10. put two pillows on the floor. ask mom to look the other way, then put a fork under one pillow and a spoon under the other. now get mom's attention and ask her sit on one of the pillows. if she sits on the one with the fork, she'll have a girl. if she sits on the one with the spoon, it's a boy.

11. ask mom to lie on her back. tie her wedding ring to a string and hold it so it hangs three inches above her stomach. hold the string still. when it starts to swing, does it swing for a boy, hip to hip? or for a girl, up and down the stomach?

12. when mom gets up after sitting on the floor, watch what she does. if it's a girl, she will put her hands behind her to push and pull herself up. if she used her arms at her side to get up, it's a boy.
13. this one is from italy. pull her hair up from the back of her neck. if you see new hair growth that forms a point or a "v," she's having a boy. if it's growing straight across her neck, it's because of the presence of a girl.

14. ask mom to show you her hands. how does she hold them out? palms up, it's a girl. palms down, it's a boy.

15. place a key in the palm of your hand and ask mom to pick it up. how does she grab it? by the "teeth"? it's a girl. by the base? it's a boy.

16. use this romanian test by sneaking up behind mom and sprinkling salt in her hair. do it without her noticing. in five or ten minutes, look to see if she scratches her lips or nose. if she goes for the nose, it's a boy. the lips, it's a girl.

take a vote!

went to the dr yesterday--i've gained four pounds. yay!

next visit we will find out what the baby is, a boy or a girl. i've put up a poll on my sidebar. you should vote on what you think it is! if you want to ask me questions before you vote, to decide, go for it. you can leave a comment or email me at cornnut32 AT gmail DOT com.

boy or girl? part two of the old wives' tales

here are some more fun ones!

1. add one tablespoon of crystal drano to a small amount of your first-of-the-morning urine, and wait a bit to see what happens. if the mixture turns a bluish yellow color, that signals a boy. if it turns greenish brown, it's a girl.

2. you are more likely to have morning sickness when it's a girl. a boy, it is said, waits until he's born to upset you!

3. overall, do you feel well or not so well during your pregnancy? it is said that bearing a son is the more comfortable way to go. having a daughter, it is said, makes for a more troublesome pregnancy.

4. does your mom--the child's maternal grandmother--have gray hair or is it colored? it doesn't really matter whether the gray or color is natural or died. if grandma has gray hair, a boy will be born. if her hair is another color, a girl is coming.

5. have you been busier in the kitchen? are you baking chocolate chip cookies when the jar is already overflowing? or does a simple dinner turn out to be a feast of hors d'oeuvres, fancy salad, veggies of all colors, a succulent roast, and a pecan pie, which you've never baked before? that hyper kitchen activity is happening because there's a boy in your tummy. is the kitchen as dull a place as ever? then it's a girl.

6. in iowa, they ask if it's pickles or ice cream you're craving. sour pickles mean a boy. a sweet girl goes with a taste for ice cream.

7. in italy, bread is the key to this test. now that you are pregnant, do you find yourself refusing the heel of a loaf of bread? if so, you're bearing a girl. if you actually prefer the heel, it's a boy.

8. do you get up in the morning with the feeling that you must have a glass of orange juice? if so, a girl is coming. if not, then a boy is coming.

9. carrying high or low? according to folklore, a high baby is a girl, and a low baby is a boy.

1o. what does your stomach resemble, shapewise? without stretching your imagination too far, does the belly resemble a watermelon? then it's a girl. more like a basketball? a boy.

11. where do you get kicked most ofen by your little bundle? it's been said that a boy prefers the ribs. the lower stomach is likely to be the choice of a girl.


12. do those tiny feet go flying to your left most frequently, or to the right? in this norwegian wives' tale boys have an affinity for the right, while girls tend to kick to the left.


13. does the baby lie most frequently on the right or left side of your tummy? a boy will lie to the left, while a girl tends to lie to the right.


14. this one originated centuries ago in vienna. supposedly, baby girls "dance" when they hear music. baby boys keep still and just listen.