the nightmares keep coming back.
right in the middle of a pleasant dream, there he is. i see his face. sometimes he doesn't speak. sometimes he doesn't look at me. but he is there....and suddenly i am filled with fear, with anger, with...darkness. there is no word to describe the feeling. i wake up panicky, feeling as if i haven't slept at all, and my neck and shoulders so tense they are throbbing. i awake to darkness surrounding me awake as i have within me in unconsciousness.
i roll over to see hubby sleeping, breathing evenly and deeply. i touch his arm, curl up against his shoulder and try to sleep again. within me there is a fight--a fight for sleep i desperately need as a mother of two very small and energetic children, and a fight for consciousness, to escape the man who haunts my dreams.
how do i escape? there is no where to run. i cannot hide from what is inside my head. in my waking hours it is much easier to avoid the darkness and fear, although not always successful. at night, in my dreams....there is no way. there is no escape. my mind is a prison that i am bound to, and i don't know where to go looking for the key.
i am grateful to have a family who loves and supports me, who bolsters me through the daylight. a husband who keeps me connected to reality. children who need me. without them, i might just be lost in the depths of insanity, surrendering to the darkness inside, losing myself piece by piece into the mists of fear and helplessness.
helplessness. yes, that's the word i couldn't place before.
a small girl, six years of age, sitting in a corner. curled up in a tight little ball...face pressed into knees, arms wrapped around her body, shaking and shivering, alone, confused and hurt...tears running down her face. no where to run, no where to hide, no one to talk to.
when i close my eyes, that is what i see.
i see me.