i find it somewhat ironic (but completely typical) that on the very day i sing praises to my parents the universe sees fit to have my mother pull another stunt and make me cry. she's really good at that. lucky for me no one in my family cares enough to read my blog no matter how much i ask so i can bitch about it all i want.
as you know, my sister is getting married in a few weeks. and i am not a bridesmaid, because i am "older and married." well her bridal shower is coming up on saturday, and my youngest sister and i were supposed to be doing games for the shower. my youngest sister (we'll call her C) didn't want to help, she was also doing invitations, so i was going to do it myself. well yesterday afternoon i called my mom to make sure i could get a ride with her. and got attacked because C had been crying because she felt left out. and apparently C was the one supposed to be doing the whole shower because she's a bridesmaid. well i told my mom that i understood because i've been feeling left out too. her response? "well there's a difference between being an older and married sister and being a bridesmaid." oh, okay, i see. i got married so my feelings don't matter as much? i'm two years older so i shouldn't be a bridesmaid? it doesn't matter that i got a new dress, because i could have just worn anything i had since i'm not in the wedding party? it's a big deal that i wanted my husband to have a matching tie as all of the other men in the family since we're not included in the wedding party? i really shouldn't be doing anything for the damn shower because i'm not one of the bridesmaids?
then the real kicker. my mother being the lovely woman that she is made a snide comment about how much my sister C cried over being left out of my wedding and she didn't want that to happen this time. excuse me? first of all, they lived out of state. second of all, i did everything i could to include them. last of all, i spent nearly every day of my entire engagement in tears because of my parents. i didn't even know if my family was going to show up to my wedding until the week before. the day before my wedding i went through the temple for the first time, and my mother couldn't bother to be there. oh wait, until it was about four hours before we were supposed to be there and my dad called to tell me she had in fact decided to show up and they were on the way to the airport. my bridal shower? my mom was in the state visiting a friend and didn't show up. and whose fault is all of this? that's right--it's mine. it's my fault my family wasn't going to come. it's my fault my sister felt left out (when my parents are the ones that created the barrier). it's my own damn fault that my hubby's family paid for pretty much the entire wedding.
but can i tell my mom how i really feel? of course not. because it would end up being turned back around on me and i would end up feeling worse about myself than i already do. because i would end up sobbing hysterically and be depressed for a month. so instead i get to hold all of the hurt, the anger, the pain, the resentment, the frustration inside of me. i get to talk to my hubby and vent on the internet until i just let it go. because for the past 23 years every time i try to talk to her about it, things only get worse. so i'm going to just be the bigger person here and deal with it.
besides....it is my sister's wedding. i remember what it was like to want things to go my way for my wedding. i remember being so upset when my family tried to tell me what to do and how to do it. i remember how frustrating it was to have stupid family issues get in the way. so i'm not going to get in the way. after all, the day really is about her and her fiance. she will probably never know how badly it hurts me that i've been disincluded from this wedding. she will probably never know how painful it is that i haven't been invited into the wedding party just because i'm married. i love her though, and that's why i'm just keeping my mouth shut.
sometimes i wish i could just smack my mother across the face and make her wake up and see the way she treats people. especially me....and how she treats me so differently from my siblings.