shine in the darkness

so i'm doing something monumentally crazy.

i am putting every (well, almost every) blog post i've ever written plus all the comments i've received in a word document.

that's 4 1/2 years of blog posts.  eek!

granted, the last two or so of those years i haven't posted much.  but still--that's a lot of word document editing!

why, you ask?

well, because i can't afford to have one of those awesome hard-bound books printed that you can order online.  so instead i'll have my inkjet printer and copy paper.  but you know what?  it works.

as i've been going back and copy/pasting all of my posts and comments, i'm amazed at how much i've changed.  when i first started blogging, buddy was only 9 months old.  now he's five, and i have a second child--princess, who is 3.  i've moved four times, once across the country.  i've been to who knows how many therapists, been on and off who knows how many medications.

the biggest change of all?  how i FEEL.

sure, i still struggle with depression occasionally.  but, it's OCCASIONALLY now, not every day.  i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on medication that actually works.  i saw a therapist that really helped.  My PTSD combined with the bipolar nearly ended my life--and now pretty much every symptom of PTSD is gone.  there are still some, and it still pops up unexpectedly, but it no longer rules my life.

i forgave my abuser.

i moved on.

my marriage is stronger, i think.  i'm more mature.  i graduated college with a 2-year degree--a huge accomplishment for me.  i can look at the world with eyes less jaded by mental illness and the lingering effects of abuse.

so what's the same?

i still struggle with self-esteem.  i still worry that i'm a horrible mom, that i'm screwing my kids up.  i still loathe the laundry and my house is rarely clean--and when it is, it's usually because hubby cleaned it.

i'm still a mother.  i still am IN LOVE with being a mother.  it's hard, and as my kids get older my role evolves.  but when i hold my now three year old baby girl in the middle of the night, and run my fingers through her hair, and dry her tears--i am filled with so much love i feel as if i might burst with it.

i'm still an artist, maybe even more so--because i try harder to make more time for it.  my little art journal is great.  it doesn't take a long time to get supplies ready, or for paint to dry, or to clean up--because let's face it, sharpies pretty much rock.

i still have a mental illness.  medication is miraculous, but it's still something that i'm learning about and overcoming.  so any of you out there who are in the boat i was in a few years ago, have hope.  look at how far i've come!  i know you can do it, too.

so cry, if you need to.  throw a pillow at the wall.  scream at the top of your lungs.  write pages and pages in your journal about how hard life is.  i did it.  but also know that there's someone out there who cares about what you're going through.  i do!  maybe i don't know you, maybe i never will.  but there is one thing about me that i hope never changes: i love everyone, people i have never met, people i haven't.  it takes a lot for me to dislike someone, and even more for me to hate someone.  and i truly care about people and their lives.

so when it gets hard, just tell yourself--"cornnut loves me.  she did it, so can i."

and remember this very cliche statement--"stars can't shine without darkness."  so even if your light is dim right now, it can get brighter.  just keep shining!

i wonder if any of my friends that commented on my blog so regularly are still out there, maybe reading.  so many women who supported me when i was at my lowest.  so if you're out there, i'd love to hear from you again.  thanks for pushing me through when i needed it.

turn it off...please!

i wish i had an on/off switch for my emotions. i think life would be so much easier. unfortunately i am one of those people who tends to be ruled by emotions (much to the frustration of my husband.)

last night was a hard night. yesterday a hard day. i have been doing pretty well at sticking to my guns when it comes to my interactions with my parents--until yesterday morning. my youngest sister (of whom i am SO proud) had her volleyball banquet last night. at the banquet she signed her contract for a scholarship to play volleyball at one of the best universities in the nation--a PAC-10 university. my mom called me to tell me about it and the first thing she said to me in the voicemail (since i don't answer the phone from her anymore, for this reason) was a very sarcastic "it sure would be nice to talk to you, cornnut." proceeded by a message detailing that the signing was to be that night and i needed to call her back RIGHT AWAY if i wanted to be on the banquet list.

seeing as i was scheduled to work i originally told her no, and that i didn't appreciate her tone of voice via text. i then was able to arrange someone to cover my shift so i called her to tell her that i would be attending. what i got (of course) was her voice raised, an extremely rude and accusatory tone of voice, and she hung up on me--twice. an argument over the way she speaks to me, and she still was rude. (i later found out she thought i was upset about the short notice because i had said it would be nice to have prior notice, which she did not have, so how could i blame her for that? it would have been nice to have, that's all. and she thinks I take things personally. well that's not what i was upset about, i assure you.) i tried very hard to keep my cool but ended up losing it, as i usually do when emotions are high. after inviting me she told me i was no longer invited because i would "cause a scene." (of the two of us, she is much more likely to cause a scene.) i told her it was my sister's decision to make, not hers, so i called my sister and asked her if she'd like me to attend or not in a voicemail. all this happened at 9 am.

by 3:30 pm i still hadn't heard from my sister. i called her and was able to speak to her. she told me she would like me to come but it was my decision. so i attended. my mother did not speak to me, and i did not speak to her. my father spoke to me briefly, to tell me they had paid for dinner for me (although my mother had previously told me they would not pay for dinner for me because of my attitude) and there was a spot at their table. i refused to sit with them on the grounds of the argument i'd had with my mom, the fact that i was barely keeping back tears, and i did not want to ruin my sister's night. so i chose to sit in the back corner in the dark by myself. i told my dad thank you, i appreciated it, but no.

so throughout the evening i faced the consequences of my choices. i was alone, separated from my entire family while they sat together and ate and laughed and enjoyed the evening. at one point my youngest sister brought me a plate of food which was extremely kind of her. i sat through the program and awards and cried, i was so proud of my sister, and so sad i wasn't part of it. they read off a list of her awards and accomplishments. it was a pretty long list, seeing as she is one of the best high school players in the nation, has been to nationals (and took bronze), and more. the awards she won on her team included "most likely to have her jersey retired from the high school," as well as statistical awards including "most digs," "most kills," "most blocks," and "most aces." the only statistical award she didn't place first in was "most assists" and that's because she's not a setter. the team also voter her as the winner of "the rock" award which essential means she is the rock of the team, the one they all rely on.

after the program ended and she officially became a college player, i left immediately. i gave her a hug and told her i was proud of her and hightailed it out of there...where i cried nearly the whole way home (about half an hour) and cried myself to sleep.

i feel like i am finally standing up for myself, i am no longer putting up with the manipulation and emotional abuse i receive from my mother. the result is being separated from my family--more so than i ever was. as a kid i was the one who fought back and the result was being separated. as an adult i fought back, same thing--and it is always my fault, my problem, my issue, they never make mistakes or do anything wrong, they have zero responsibility in it. all i've asked for is acknowledgment of their mistakes and validation of my feelings. instead i get anger and even more blame. how frustrating and even humiliating.

i'm so sick of the drama i can't even begin to tell you. but this time i'm not backing down. i've told them it is their choice. their choice to validate me, or their choice for me to stay away. obviously they have made their choice, and i have made mine, and now we all have to live with the consequences.

and if anyone is going to leave comments defending my parents, don't bother. i don't want to hear it. the fact is they are masters of manipulation and are really great at twisting reality.

i am made of clay

have you ever looked back on your life and wondered how you got where you are? what it was that shaped you, made you, molded and created you into who you have become?

i ask myself, how did i become an overweight college drop-out, working part-time selling ties to make ends meet, with a less than stellar job and financial history, and even worse history with every relationship that matters most at the age of 24?

because of choices, that's why.

do you ever wish you could go back and relive your life? make different choices, become a different person?

i used to have so much potential. so many dreams. i had my whole life before me--my depression under control. i graduated high school top of my class, with a stack of scholarships and awards. i looked great (although i didn't think so at the time), i felt great, had tons of friends and thought i knew who i was. i had a plan, a path. i got a little freedom and it all began to unravel. poor choices. being overwhelmed. memories...nightmares...resurfacing. hormonal changes, triggers, my life darkened by post-traumatic stress disorder.

if i could go back and change what happened to me in my childhood, where would i be? who would i be? even if i could just go back six years, to eighteen, and relive it, make changes, deal with things differently--who would i be now?

i have one dream that has come true. i have a beautiful family. if i changed my childhood, would that change? my husband, my two perfect children. if i had found myself, would i have lost them?

i am made of clay, shaped by time, by circumstance, by my own hands and by the hands of others. at any given time one element has more impact than another.


i used to know who i was. but i used to be a different person. i have changed a lot in six years. i have changed a lot in 19 years...19 years since i first began to be abused. by far the majority of my life has been altered and negatively impacted by someone else's choices, by my own choices in reaction to it.

so who am i now?

this is how i'm feeling today

a picture is worth a thousand words and i have seven.

i purposefully chose the images of little girls....because it is the little girl inside of me crying for her mommy and daddy to protect and love her.

the adult is confused, frustrated and angry...feeling betrayed by the people who are supposed to love and comfort her, validate and help her.

i'm glad i have my husband to protect me and love me and stand up for me.

it's just part of life, right?

so i've mentioned how much my kids love signing time. so much that not only do we watch it, but we also listen to it constantly in the car.

here is one of the songs on perma-repeat.

It's just part of life, you bump and bruise and fall
Sometimes seems like everyday and sometimes not at all

When you're hurt you always become better
When you fall down you always get back up
And when you cry it never lasts forever
I'll help you feel better, we help each other out

It's just part of life and hugs can save the day
With kisses and a bandage we're ready to go play

When you're hurt you always become better
When you fall down you always get back up
And when you cry it never lasts forever
I'll help you feel better, we help each other out
I'll help you feel better, we help each other out

this song is good and it's also bad, at least for me. crying doesn't last forever. being hurt? do we always become better? physically, usually, sure. emotionally? at times i have a hard time believing that i will ever be better. when i fall i sometimes want to just stay down on the ground. my husband is there telling me he'll help me feel better...giving me hugs and kisses, bandaging my emotional wounds. but bandages don't always fix it. every time i hear this song it makes me think.

there is more drama with my parents. (what else is new?) i've distanced myself from them over the last month and a half or so because i've been focusing on trying to heal--and the constant stream of criticism i get from them is far from helping me. with the baby's first birthday coming up in less than a month i sent them an email outlining some boundaries if they choose to come to her birthday party. the response was exactly what i thought it would be--a total blatant disregard for my feelings, completely invalidating me and denying any kind of wrong-doing on their part. as usual. it's like they think it will kill them to admit that they've screwed up here and there with me. then they place all blame on me. i wrote a response that i didn't send because it's just full of my frustration and hurt and years of pent up confusion and anguish where they are concerned. they say i'm the only one who "makes accusations" and tries to "instruct them on their behavior." probably because i'm the only one with the guts to do so, because i know for a fact there are others who feel the same way i do.

i want to have a good relationship with my parents, but i can't keep putting my mental health and the happiness of my own little family in jeopardy for them. i'm tired of maintaining a relationship based on what i HOPE it will become instead of what it is. i love my parents, i really do. they've done a lot of good things for me and i am grateful for that. i've told them that. so why is it so hard for them to just see they've made mistakes as well, own up to them and apologize? really that's all i'm asking for. the worst part is that their stubborn behavior is interfering with their relationship with their grandchildren which is hard on me, too. i want them to get to know my kids but not at the detriment of myself and my marriage.

so the big question is this: is a relationship with them really worth all the pain, hurt, invalidation and frustration i experience?

and why is it my siblings all seem to be able to take it--or ignore it? i took it for years and years...and now that i'm an adult i'm tired of it. i'm tired of them trying to control me, or support me in the way they think i need instead of what i actually need, what i'm telling them i need.

i wish they were there to help me out when i ask...HOW i ask. it doesn't matter if i say i should wear the red shirt and they tell me the blue one is best, that i'm wrong, even though i know i'm right...the red one is better for me...then they criticize me for choosing the red one and get mad because i'm not taking their advice. does that even make sense? then i always end up running back to them and apologizing, even though i know i was right, just to keep the peace.

i just don't know what to do anymore.

blah blah blah and blogs

i had all these great intentions of writing several posts today, including a submission for the july blog carnival and setting them to post automatically. i had a bunch of ideas (which have all flown out of my head at the moment) and i'm pretty sure they were great ones, too.

but then i somehow ended up having a mood swing and now i'm depressed and craving coke and a giant bag of hershey's bliss chocolates so that i can sit in my bed and eat the whole thing and watch a sappy movie that of course will make me cry. maybe romeo and juliet...i've been wanting to watch it again for awhile.

on the plus side i went running again this morning for the first time in far too long. my therapist told me to start exercising, i've told myself to start exercising, i know my psychiatrist would tell me to and anyone with any kind of sense would as well. so i ran/walked about 2 1/4 miles. i lost major steam at the end but i did it in about 33 minutes, not bad considering i was pushing a stroller with both my kids in it, i'm really out of shape, and i got winded.

because i love you all as well i'm going to share a few of the blogs i've been enjoying reading lately.

jia has been writing her life's story on her blog and i'm enthralled--can't wait for the next one to post! plus she's hilarious and i love her sense of humor.

foxy pink cheetah always makes me laugh and also posts things that really make me think about my religion and how her experiences are similar to people that i really love and want to understand.

i also love reading paula's blog, she's out on a big trip right now but you can read her archives!

then there's kaitlyn who happens to be one of my best friends in real-life. she needs to get her rear in gear and post on her blog. (love you, miss kaitlyn...)

and my sister, who is making me insanely jealous because she's in england right now. just went to scotland...and visited croatia and serbia. i think they have plans to visit italy and france too. someday she said she'll take me...

dallas, a friend of mine from high school who is also an artist. she posts her artwork (which is awesome) and pictures that are inspiring to her. i love looking at the posts she puts up.

miss eliza who pretty much rocks in every way.

mormon mommy blogs

my friend vanessa who makes me laugh so hard sometimes i pee my pants. drat those weakened muscles from having kids.

fmh, segullah, and the exponent

among others, but i think this is a good list for now.

so what do you read?

anyone have a bag of chocolate or a giant coke they want to donate?

the time line is finished

it's been awhile since i posted...things have been pretty busy.

i finished my timeline. i haven't measured the second roll but it's probably about as long as the first. surprisingly, the last six or so years were the hardest. i really had to push myself to finish. i had an easier time writing about the actual trauma experiences than i did writing about my adult years. i have a few theories as to why.

the happiest years were my junior and senior years of high school. i had great friends, a great counselor, and i was really working hard on myself and my recovery. i took the SOLE class which helped me immensely.

then i moved out of my parents house to start college. and i made a lot of stupid choices. i got a boyfriend who was in every way wrong for me. i was overwhelmed by school and didn't really show up to class often. i was put on academic warning, then academic probation. my depression got out of control. i stayed up all night and slept all day. i lost several jobs. i distanced myself from my family and from my religion--i stopped going to church as often, reading my scriptures, writing in my journal and praying as much as i had before. i stopped going to counseling. i was doing better so i stopped working.

i married my wonderful husband and shortly after our wedding got really sick. we dealt with my illness and financial struggles. we moved, i got pregnant, and my hormones went crazy--and from there my mental health has really done kind of a nose dive. my anxiety increased. i began having flashbacks and nightmares. i've changed meds several times. my anger and behavioral problems have increased.

it was so hard to look at how well i did, then how poorly i have been doing the last few years--partly due to my own choices. i can't help but wonder how i would be doing now had i made different choices, stayed in therapy, went to class and not wasted so much time with a boyfriend that pulled me down. i'll never know.

at this point all i can do is learn from it, try to make my future better than my past. i'm in counseling and doing the homework she gives me. i'm far from perfect but i'm working harder to be better. i'm taking my meds every day and really paying attention to my behavior although i still feel out of control of it much of the time. and i also don't always see my negative behavior.

for awhile i was doing better. and i think a lot of it correlated with the fact that the nightmares stopped for a couple weeks. but the nightmares have come back, and with it the depression, the sleeplessness, the anxiety, and the overreacting. how do i stop the nightmares? i wish i knew. i'm still writing them all down but i don't know what triggers them. my therapist has me keeping a "mood log" now too to see if how i feel during the day affects the nightmares. i guess we'll see if it correlates.

i am so ready for all of this to be over. i want to be happy. i want to get along with the people around me. i want to be a better person, wife, mother, daughter, friend. i want to move on with my life instead of living in fear and anxiety and depression. is it even possible? will i ever get there? how long is it going to take me?

my top apps for the iphone

i'm depressed today.

crappy night. up late because hubby had school, little buddy refused to go to sleep until after 10, then talking to hubby, slept poorly. in spite of staying up until all hours of the night, little buddy decided to get up around 7:30 am. joy. this meant he was a total pain this morning...whining, throwing fits, even pushed his sister a few times. baby was also whiny. i was able to finish painting the baby's room, which was nice, but the migraine i had a couple days ago came back. lovely. now it's naptime and buddy refuses to go to sleep...again.

as you can tell i'm in a sour mood.

so my attempt at a distraction.

my favorite apps for my iphone! i thought i would share them all with you.

1. my ereader, stanza. love this. i have a book with me wherever i go and it doesn't take up space. it fits in my pocket. i don't have to worry about finding a bookmark. i can download thousands of books for FREE! it is so awesome.

2. pandora. i have stations for every mood, and even some for the kids. little buddy is really into listening to music lately.

3. the iphone, same reasons as pandora. i LOVE music and have it on all the time.

4. my net diary. IF i were still being better at working out and eating this would be even more beneficial. while i was using it though it freaking rocked! it tracks your calorie intake and output, projects your weight loss and helps you lose more weight. it rocks and really worked....when i was using it, like i said.

5. gospel library. for us mormons this rocks. it's free, has all of the scriptures, church manuals, general conference talks, teachings of the presidents, youth and primary publications (for the strength of youth, duty to god awards, etc.) and much more. really easy to use, and i imagine if you were a teacher it would be really nice to have. you can cross reference and highlight through various resources. love it.

6. my camera and video camera. i use these a lot since i have such adorable kids.

7. art puzzles. these are by far some of my favorites. there are four that are free (michelangelo, monet, renoir, and rousseau). they are jigsaw puzzles with an easy, medium and hard setting. each app plays beautiful classical music. they are fun and very relaxing.

8. relax with andrew johnson (free version). this guy is a hypnotherapist from scotland, who has a recording to help you relax. it ROCKS. i've even got hubby using it with me. the music and his voice are perfect for relaxing. by the time i'm done with it (only 15 or so minutes) i feel great. i want to download his others but i can't stomach the $2.99 each right now. (he has apps for social phobia, substance abuse, and other things as well.)

9. words with friends. this is the ultimate game. hubby and i play it a lot. it's scrabble, only without the little pieces that get lost, fall off the board, and go flying when you accidentally bump the table.

10. idrag toilet paper. this one is fun and stupid. you use your finger to unroll the roll of toilet paper as fast as you can.

11. solitaire and spider solitaire. need i say more?

12. bubbles lab. little buddy likes this one, he's always asking me to play bubbles. you point and aim colored bubbles. when you get three of the same color to touch, they fall. you try to knock them all down before time's up.

13. my art apps: i have several art gallery apps that are great. the best one? the louvre's app. i love this. you can search every piece of art in the museum, read about it, see detailed photos of it, and even map its location.

14. itick, my metronome. this is awesome and i use it frequently with my piano students.

15. signing time. keeps little buddy occupied when we go shopping which is great. it costs way too much though.

if you have an iphone/itouch (or other app capable phone) what are your favorites?

pooh's grand adventure

isn't it funny how when you're really struggling you tend to come across something that makes you stop and think twice?

i've really been struggling lately. my depression is out of control....and i've been having anxiety, no sleep, and i easily get trapped inside my head.

this morning i started reading a book to little buddy. it's a new one that he got for christmas that we haven't read together. it's called "pooh's grand adventure." in the story, it is the last day of summer and christopher robin will begin school the next day. after a day of playing in the hundred acre wood, christopher robin tries to tell pooh goodbye.

he says, "pooh bear, if there's ever a tomorrow when we're not together, there's something you must remember:

you're braver than you believe,
and stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think."

it might be a coincidence...maybe it is...but i'd like to think it isn't. after all of the praying i've been doing, pleading for strength, and for help, perhaps this is an answer.

if i can memorize those three lines, and repeat them to myself over and over, maybe i'll start to believe them about myself.

i'm braver than i believe,
i'm stronger than i seem,
and smarter than i think.

hot mess

stress. freak out.
stress. freak out.
stress. freak out.
stress. freak out.
stress. freak out.

this is the theme for the month of january. remember last january? same thing. january before that....i'm pretty sure it was the same, maybe not quite as bad. so why is this month such a hard one? i don't understand why....as far as i can remember, there isn't really a specific event in my life that would turn me into such a mess in the month of january. seasonal affect disorder? i don't think so, although i guess it could be a possibility.

i'm not going to go into much detail but the past week has been an extremely difficult one depression-wise.

i wish i remembered how it felt to be happy....but then i wonder, have i ever really been happy? maybe as an infant, possibly as a toddler, but i sure don't remember that far back.

positive vibes sent this way would be mucho appreciated....for both me and hubby, because he needs them too.

january is my one hot mess month. anyone else having a hot mess of a january?

the bell jar

since princess was born, i've been waking up in the middle of the night several times to nurse. at first i was keeping myself awake by playing brick breaker on my phone but i quickly got bored of that. so i decided to start reading again. i really missed reading but i definitely don't have time during the day, and at night i spend time with my hubby. so this was a perfect solution. i can read about 15 minutes or so every time i nurse. takes me a lot longer to get through books but at least i'm reading! i started out by rereading twilight and new moon. then i read the second and third books in the outlander series. (very good books, i've enjoyed them a lot.) finally i decided i was going to go to the library and read the books i have always wanted to read but never had the chance to. i read the poisonwood bible and loved it. currently i'm reading love in the time of cholera. but the last book i finished was sylvia plath's the bell jar.

i have to be honest, i have never read anything by sylvia plath before. i have heard great things about her, as well as a lot of comments about how depressing she is. my father in law loves her, but when i told him i was going to read the bell jar he told me it was one of the most depressing books he's ever read. so that's what i was expecting.

for those of you who don't know the story, it is actually a thinly veiled autobiography. it is about a nineteen year old girl named esther who seemingly has everything going for her. she is in the honors program at a great college, straight-a student, with a scholarship. the book starts out with her spending time in new york city. she has won an internship with a magazine, as she is studying to be a writer. after an attempted rape, and the end of her internship, she goes home and descends into the depths of depression. she stays in bed. she can't read, she loses her ability to write. in her head, her future becomes empty. she loses her desire to live and contemplates several ways to commit suicide. she sees a doctor for sleeping pills, who sends her to a psychiatrist followed by a botched session of electroshock therapy. following this, esther attempts suicide by taking the entire bottle of sleeping pills and hiding herself in the basement crawl space. there her mother finds her and she is taken to the psychiatric hospital. she is transferred between hospitals until she ends up in a private hospital, where she begins to recover. a friend from school also ends up in the hospital, and eventually she commits suicide. esther calls her depression the bell jar, where she "stews in her own sour air." she says that "to the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream."

i suppose to most people this book would be extremely depressing. i didn't find it depressing in the slightest. does that make me weird? sick and twisted? on the contrary, i found myself relating to esther greenwood in more ways than one. i understood what she was saying. i have lived in my own bell jar, which still descends at times. it was a positive thing to me, to read this book, to understand and relate. it was a positive thing to me to read esther's story, with her journey into and out of her depression. esther called it her rebirth. "There ought, I thought, to be a ritual for being born twice - patched, retreaded and approved for the road."

this is such a fantastic book and i will definitely reread it again. it's a book i'd like to own. if you haven't read it...i would recommend it. any of you read it? what did you think?

finally taking a break

sigh. little buddy is asleep. baby is on her way to being asleep, and i am taking a much needed break. poor buddy has been crying and throwing fits all morning long....he didn't take a nap yesterday and i think maybe he's teething. poor kid. he's pretty difficult to deal with when he's like this, especially when i have an infant to take care of and nurse as well. at least he's finally taking a nap.

the past couple days have dragged on, going really slow. i'm not sure why but i am definitely ready for that to change. i miss hubby when he's at work and i get pretty lonely with just the kids for company, even though i'm constantly on my toes chasing a toddler and caring for an infant. i love them both so much but some days i just want to scream i get so tired and frazzled. but then i sit down with my little boy on my lap and he gives me a hug, or my baby smiles that toothless grin that lights up her whole face, her eyes scrunched up, and my heart melts and i am just so in love with being a mommy. i just try to remember those times when the days get hard and the tears and screaming start.

my depression has been a bit better over the past week, which i am grateful for. i am really trying hard not to let it get to me. i've been trying really hard to be a better wife and mother too although i tend to fail frequently. i want to be closer to hubby and i've really been working on that.

i wish there were a way to stop failing at the most important things. if i fail at the stupid little things, oh well i can deal with it. but it's so hard to know i come up short when it comes to my marriage, and showing my hubby that i love him and care for him, and when it comes to my kids. i find myself getting frustrated more easily than i'd like. i'm not very good at communicating my feelings (at least not nicely) and most times i'd rather sob hysterically and run away than deal with the issue.

some days i wish i could run away from my life, too. just take my family and go....to the beach, to a warmer climate, maybe hawaii or something. (maybe not hawaii. you can't drive there and hubby hates planes.) just relax, throw responsibilities out the window, and just BE. leave my past and my issues at home with the dishes and laundry and forget about everything but having fun. wouldn't that be nice? too bad the world doesn't work that way.

on a positive note, can you believe christmas is less than a month away? i ordered our christmas cards this morning. i'm way excited about it, too. 60 photo cards for $5.24, thanks to this fabulous freebies website. all i had to pay for was shipping. they have some awesome deals. i would highly recommend checking it out. it's called freebies for mom but you don't have to be a mom to take advantage of all the cool stuff they've got.

i hope you all had a great holiday weekend. i sure did, spending time with hubby and our extended families. and eating tons of FOOD! i just love thanksgiving dinner.

depression is still kicking my butt. argh.

on a positive note, i am going to start taking an art class from a neighbor and i am thrilled. $40 a month for four two-hour classes...what a steal! i'm hoping it will help with my depression....art has always been a form of therapy for me. plus it will give me some "me" time out of the house. i hope that it will help me be a better wife and mother to have a little break.

i can't believe that thanksgiving is next week! crazy! and then on to christmas....how time flies. and my sweet baby girl is almost seven weeks old. also crazy.

trying to pull out of it

last night was a hard night.

i cried and fell asleep and felt a bit better.

doing a little better today, although i have a headache and the chills....no fever though. hope i'm not getting sick.

i'm still struggling with this depression. i kind of just want to crawl into bed, cry some more, and hide from the world. but i can't. and i shouldn't, either.

today i found the blog of one of my friends from high school. she is blogging about something she's thankful for every day for this month. i've seen people do this in the past but it had totally slipped my mind. i think maybe that is something that can help me overcome this depression. trying to concentrate on the wonderful blessings i have in my life. while we are already a week into the month, i'm too late to do it every day, but i can start now. and i won't guarantee that i'll do it every day but i will try.

so my next post will be the first of my thankful posts.

looking for the end, it isn't in sight

i'm sitting here in bed and battling a sudden bout of depression. i really don't know where it came from or why. i'm relaxing and holding a sleeping angel and watching project runway. i have no real reason to be depressed....do i? so why am i feeling this way?

i try so hard to focus on the positive in my life. hubby calls me an "eternal optimist" and reminds me that everything isn't sunshine and roses. how ironic it is that with most things this is how i feel, how i perceive the world....and yet at times everything is so dark and dreary and i'm lonely here in my head. sometimes the depression jumps out and swallows me whole before i even have time to react.

so how do i get outside of my own head? i get so lost, like i'm in one of those giant european mazes made out of bushes and the sun is setting, it's getting dark, i'm surrounded by the same thing, the same thing, the same thing, everywhere i turn....dead ends....going in circles....the light dissipates into the night and i'm alone in a strange and terrifying place with no hope of getting out. i need a guide, a map, a gps, even a tower to climb just to look over the garden so i can at least see the end. how far away is the exit? even if it's a mile away just knowing it's there gives me hope and determination. without being able to see it, even though i know it's there it just doesn't feel real.

what does feel real to me right now is the fear, the helpless fear, the lonely thoughts inside my head. i have a loving husband and supportive family and friends. i know they're there, but they just don't understand. they just don't get what it's like to be surrounded by people and still feel so alone. i've never had a problem connecting to people....but in this sense every connection i have is cut off and i'm floating alone in a cold dark ocean of terror.

i want to sleep. i'm exhausted. my children are actually sleeping...i could go to sleep. but i know that if i turn off the tv, shut off the computer, lay down....i'll be left alone with nothing but the thoughts in my head and the fear in my chest.

so here i go....off to check my facebook for the thousandth time. off to check my empty email inbox for the ten thousandth time. off to try to push these thoughts out of my head and watch tv, hope that christopher will finally get kicked off and someone will just tell irena to shut up and stop being such a witch.

.....why is it that when i'm surrounded by chaos i crave a few hours to be alone, and by myself, and i get it, and i want the chaos and company?

phone call

the past couple of days have been hard. i've been really emotional and kind of depressed. i think it's the fact that i haven't been sleeping well at all, and when i do sleep it's interrupted every 3-4 hours by a nursing baby. the lack of sleep and resulting exhaustion leads to emotional exhaustion.

today has been a bit better. i'm lucky to have a supportive hubby who tells me that he loves me and does what he can to help me feel better.

this morning i was chasing my toddler around and trying to clean up a bit, and the phone rang. weird phone call....it was my old therapist. i only saw her a few times until our insurance changed and she was no longer covered. it was pushing it just paying the ridiculous copay for mental health so having to pay full price to see her was out of the question. i never found another therapist. hubby and i have discussed several times my returning to therapy but i just haven't done anything about it. she called me this morning to find out how i was doing. she asked me if i had gone back to therapy, and said she had been thinking about me and wondering how i was dealing with things. she said that she felt a connection to me and really believed that she could help me.

i told her no, i hadn't been in therapy but i needed to go back, i just hadn't found another therapist. she said that even though my insurance doesn't cover her she could probably see me for $50 an hour (as opposed to the $200 or so she usually charges). i told her i'd have to talk to hubby, because that's still really steep for us right now. copays alone are hard. hubby and i discussed it, we can probably swing one visit a month. i have to admit that i'm excited and anxious and scared to go back to therapy. i know i need it, without a doubt i really need it, but i also know that it's going to open up a lot of crap i just want to bury. but the wounds have to be reopened to properly heal. the prospect of that....is terrifying. but i'm just at the point in my life where i need it to be over. i need it to be in the past, to be able to function properly, and for more than a few months at a time until i lose control. it's more than just me, and even my hubby. it's more than just my sanity and our relationship on the line now. i have two beautiful children who deserve to have a mother who isn't a basket case.

i don't know when i'll be going back to therapy. i hope this actually works out. i need to fix this hugely dysfunctional part of myself.

today is september 28th

today is my due date.

and not a contraction in sight.

sigh.

i am wallowing in the self-pity today although i am trying not to. i'm huge and uncomfortable and soooooo ready to pop this baby out. i'm torturing myself by watching a baby story and birth day on discovery health. mostly because there is nothing else on tv at this time of day and little buddy is napping...and partially because i can sit here and whine about how these women get to have babies, why can't i already? whine, whine, whine, sigh, sigh, sigh....you get the picture.

it is hard to believe that we will have two kids. i'm excited and anxious for our baby girl to be born, and not just because i'm in pain physically. i'm also scared to death. i have always struggled with feelings of inadequacy, and being a mother seems to magnify that at times. quite often i feel i am an inadequate mother, and now i will be responsible for two children, for their health and happiness.

the good thing is my husband is an amazing father. he is so good with little buddy, and he works so hard for our family to make sure we have what we need. our kids are so lucky to have him--and so am i.

i will probably struggle with feeling inadequate for my entire life. but i know that i have a family that loves me, and that makes things infinitely better. i am so blessed to have such a beautiful family and i can't wait to have our second child join us.

hubby sent me a link to this article called "the total perspective vortex." i found it extremely interesting and wanted to share it. instead of just posting the link (since i know many of you won't click on it) i figure i might as well copy it here so you will all read it.

The Total Perspective Vortex

Written by Christopher S. Putnam

(originally published on 14 June 2007).

Most people think of the “mentally disordered” as a delusional lot, holding bizarre and irrational ideas about themselves and the world around them. Isn’t a mental disorder, after all, an impairment or a distortion in thought or perception? This is what we tend to think, and for most of modern psychology’s history, the experts have agreed; realistic perceptions have been considered essential to good mental health. More recently, however, research has arisen that challenges this common-sense notion.

In 1988, psychologists Shelly Taylor and Jonathon Brown published an article making the somewhat disturbing claim that positive self-deception is a normal and beneficial part of most people’s everyday outlook. They suggested that average people hold cognitive biases in three key areas: a) viewing themselves in unrealistically positive terms; b) believing they have more control over their environment than they actually do; and c) holding views about the future that are more positive than the evidence can justify. The typical person, it seems, depends on these happy delusions for the self-esteem needed to function through a normal day. It’s when the fantasies start to unravel that problems arise.

Consider eating disorders, for instance. It’s generally been believed that an unrealistically negative body image is an important factor in the self-abuse that characterizes anorexia and bulimia. A 2006 study at the University of Maastricht in the Netherlands, however, came to a very different conclusion. Here, groups of normal and eating disordered women were asked to rate the attractiveness of their own bodies. They were then photographed from the neck down, and panels of volunteers were brought in to view the photos and rate the women’s appearances objectively. The normal women, as it turned out, evaluated themselves much more positively than the panels did, while the self-ratings of the eating disordered women were in close agreement with the objective ratings. The eating disordered subjects, in other words, had a more realistic body image than the normal women. However, it is important to note that the study was based upon the broad concept of “attractiveness” rather than body weight specifically—while the eating disordered women may have rated themselves poorly because they felt “fat,” their weight was a controlled variable and not the basis of the volunteers’ assessments.

Studies into clinical depression have yielded similar findings, leading to the development of an intriguing, but still controversial, concept known as depressive realism. This theory puts forward the notion that depressed individuals actually have more realistic perceptions of their own image, importance, and abilities than the average person. While it’s still generally accepted that depressed people can be negatively biased in their interpretation of events and information, depressive realism suggests that they are often merely responding rationally to realities that the average person cheerfully denies.

Lear's Fool speaks wisdom disguised as madnessThose with paranoid disorders can sometimes possess a certain unusual insight as well. It has often been asserted that within every delusional system, there exists a core of truth—and in their pursuit of imagined conspiracies against them, these individuals often show an exceptionally keen eye for the real thing. People who interact with them may be taken aback as they find themselves accused of harboring some negative opinion of the person which, secretly, they actually do hold. Complicating the issue, of course, is the fact that if the supposed aversion didn’t exist before, it likely does after such an unpleasant encounter.

As one might imagine, these issues present some problems when it comes to treatment. How does one convince a depressed person that “everything is all right” when her life really does suck? How does one convince an obsessive-compulsive patient to stop religiously washing his hands when the truth of what gets left behind after “normal” washing should be enough to make any sane person cringe? These problems put therapists in the curious position of teaching patients to develop irrational patterns of thinking—patterns that help them view the world as a rosier place than it really is. Counterintuitive as it sounds, it’s justified because what defines a mental disorder is not unreasonable or illogical thought, but abnormal behaviour that causes significant distress and impairs normal functioning in society. Treatment is about restoring a person to that level of normal functioning and satisfaction, even if it means building cognitions that aren’t precisely “rational” or “realistic.”

It’s a disconcerting concept. It’s certainly easier to think of the mentally disordered as lunatics running about with bizarre, inexplicable beliefs than to imagine them coping with a piece of reality that a “normal” person can’t handle. The notion that we routinely hide from the truth about ourselves and our world is not an appealing one, though it may help to explain the human tendency to ostracize the abnormal. Perhaps the reason we are so eager to reject any departure from this fiction we call “normality” is because we have grown dependent on our comfortable delusions; without them, there is nothing to insulate us from the harsh cold of reality.

august blog carnival against child abuse

it's up over at enola's blog. she has done a great job, even got me to submit this month....i've been a bit of a slacker the past few months. i would definitely recommend going to look at it and reading the submissions!

on a personal note: after talking to my OB and my baby's pediatrician, i'm going to be calling my psychiatrist and seeing about going back on the celexa. i think right now it's the best option...for everyone who has to be around me! :)

"like a madman in her moods"

wheel of fortune, by edward burne-jones

i go through periods of numbness, and periods where i feel everything....all at once. every ounce of negativity in the air around me seems to be sucked into my brain and saturates me with depression and despair.

the past few months have been months of numbness and ignorance when it comes to my abuse. partially because my depression has been pretty well under control, thanks to some great antidepressants. but now....i'm tapering off my meds now that i've got six weeks left before my baby is born. i'm dealing with fatigue and a complete lack of energy thanks to being pregnant and coming off my meds. and this just in: yet another fiasco involving my parents.

yesterday enola sent me an email and asked me if i would consider writing a post for this month's edition of the blog carnival against child abuse. i've been thinking about submitting anyway but haven't had anything to write. i still feel like i have nothing to say. but in thinking about it, that's part of this coping process that my brain has come up with. last january everything caught up with me and my life very nearly fell apart. thanks to the love and support of my husband and doctors i got it back together. i've gotten myself back into a state of being able to cope (mostly) with the after effects of the abuse. and....like so many times before....have become content, numb, whatever you want to call it, and pushed all of the garbage to the back of my mind. but how long until the floodgates burst again?

i'm not at the point where i'm going to lose it like i did at the beginning of this year. i have a doctor helping me with my meds that i like. hubby is concerned about what will happen now that i'm going off my meds. and for good reason. i'm an irrational, emotional basket case with a skewed sense of reality when i'm unmedicated. add to that the hormones of being 34 weeks pregnant and you've got a land mine. then add situational stress....i pity anyone who has to be around me right now, especially hubby.

so i'm trying to be extra aware of my behavior right now. i'm trying to be extra aware of my thoughts and trying to keep myself from spiraling down the depression slide into a black hole. hubby is also watching me closely.

so how long does this cycle last? i feel like i'm on that wheel of fortune, at the mercy of the goddess tyche, wondering if she will feel like spinning me around, wondering where i will end up....at the top? at the bottom? somewhere in the middle?

"He is a foolish mortal who thinks his luck secure and so rejoices; for Fortune, like a madman in her moods, springs towards this man, then towards that; and no one ever experiences the same unchanging luck."

(Euripides, Daughters of Troy, 1204.)

you can read more about tyche, the goddess of fortune, here