art journal entries from my kids

 my little ones love to watch me draw and doodle in my art journal.  so much that i let them add their own artwork.

this one is by Buddy (age 5).  he drew our family.  i'm blue, princess is green, and he and hubby are orange.  he also drew our cat and dog.

the next two are by princess (age 3).  the first one is daddy laying down in the grass.

 this one is me hugging andrew, and she is playing.

i love seeing their drawings and hearing the stories they tell to me about them.

last night i was hugging my little boy and he said, "mommy, i love you SOOO much i can't EVEN stop!"

i just love my babies.

interpreting cornnut's mess, future-style

i'm sitting in bed.  hubby is putting the kids to sleep, because he rocks.  and because they take four times longer to go to sleep with me than they do with him.

have you ever wondered what future people would think if they could see your house exactly as it is today?  maybe like pompeii.  modern-day archeologists try to figure out what life was like there before it was buried in ash.  they'd have a heyday in my house, i think.

there are no less than 10 pillows on my bed.  in all different shapes and sizes.  hubby has to have a million pillows.  then he picks one to toss on my side of the bed (or on me) almost every night because it gets in his way.  so then i end up putting it on the floor because it is irritating me.  we also each have our own blankets.  mine is a huge, fuzzy, thick blanket.  his is a twin-size thin t-shirt blanket.  he has a heater built-in and i freeze all the time.

there are clothes hanging from every door in here.  dresses, suit jackets, t-shirts, tank tops, sweaters, pants and polo shirts.  a lot of our clothes can't go in the dryer.  i no longer have a rod in my utility room so they get hung on doors.  then left there until we wear them, or there is no more room on the doors to hang more.  (because i HATE doing laundry.)  and, although i gather dirty clothes nearly every day, the clothes i wore to work today are on the floor.

next to my bed i have a make-shift night stand.  the base of said night stand is the dog's crate, then a small three-drawer rubbermaid organizer.  this organizer contains pens and pencils and markers of all kinds, a wii remote, rolos, my crossword puzzle book, my address book and a large quantity of bobby pins that i take out of my hair at night.  on top i have a fork, a baby monitor, my phone (charging because the battery died), and a lamp.  pinned to my lamp i have mini yarn zombie voodoo doll things.  they are AWESOME.  three of them, to be precise.  plus my stuffed sally doll (from nightmare before christmas.)  and my chloroseptic spray, because sometimes i just need it.

hubby's side of the bed is a real mess.  garbage, cups, forks and spoons, and phone chargers.  plus buddy left a bunch of plastic mcdonald's play food over there, so it looks like mcdonald's threw up or something.

combine that with my teddy bear, a book about training dogs (which i need to finish so i can train my spastic dog), half-full bags of pretzels and cheetos, toys, children's books, a wii balance board, empty gift bags, and boxes of craft supplies (paint, popsicle sticks, ribbon, glue sticks, felt, etc.) in piles all over. 

so here is what future-people see:
she likes creepy things.
they were messy people.
perhaps clothes are hung in a ceremonious "laundry hating" fashion.
creative people can't keep their crap straight.

you can tell the most about us, however, from what's hanging on our walls.

there are two paintings i did of hubby and me hanging above our headboard.  i spent a long time on these and i'm pretty proud of them.  in general they turned out pretty well.

one wall has a painting of a little boy with a drawing of the american flag and two firemen.  it's a gift i got for hubby.  next to it is a painting that belonged to his grandpa, who was a captain in the fire department in his city.  the painting is of a horse-drawn firewagon.  (is that the right word?)  his grandpa's helmet is up there, too, and a photo of hubby's fire academy class.  two of our engagement photos as well.....we took them on a firetruck.  they're pretty awesome.

the opposite wall is full of pictures of our kids, plus one buddy drew of me last year for mother's day, his handprint and a quote about motherhood.

the last wall has a big mirror half-obscured by the TV, a collage print full of photos of me and my grandmother, and our "i love you because..." frame.  (currently, it says BOOBS.  guess who wrote that.)

future-people now see that we are a family.  we love our kids.  we love each other.  we love our history. 

but we're still messy.

(i blame it on...well...can i say exhaustion?)

corgis pretty much rule.

today marked the beginning of obedience training for my little spaz.  love that dog...even if he drives me crazy sometimes.

i saw this cutesy little sign on pinterest...

and i pinned it because i liked the saying.  but when i went to put it in my art journal, i realized...."doggy" and "corgi" could be switched and it would still sound awesome.  and i'm pretty sure my corgi would just X out the "doggy" part and leave a bright red paw print in his wake.

so it's true....no home is complete without the pitter patter of corgi feet.

missing you

two years ago today my grandma passed away.

i miss her every single day.

i love you, grandma.

bucket list progress

awhile ago i posted some bucket list items here and here.

well....a few of those things have been checked off my list.  hard to believe, but it's true.


1.  get married in the Salt Lake City temple

August 25, 2006.  i married my best friend.

2.  become a mother

my sweet princess...the second time i became a mother.  

18 weeks in utero...2009.
i have the two most amazing children i could ask for.

3.  confront and forgive my abuser

4.  dye my hair black

october 2010.  i kind of miss it.  it made me feel exotic.  

5.  play Frank Lloyd Wright's piano 

may 2004.  i played "polonaise in G minor" by chopin.

6.  own red high heels

bought my first pair this month...february 2013.  i LOVE them.

7.  have my own gallery show.  even if it means building my own gallery in my backyard out of refrigerator boxes and inviting the neighbors.

8.  visit europe...paris, london, venice, florence, prague, rome.  at least.

9.  see a rothko, pollock, and klimt in person.

the first time i saw a rothko painting, on my birthday...december 30, 2012.  

i cried, it was so beautiful and i couldn't believe i was finally seeing one.

the first pollock i saw...happened to be the same day i saw an original rothko!  

it was amazing.

10.  feel beautiful.

11.  be able to sit for five minutes and feel nothing but peace...no worry, anxiety, depression.  just peace.

12.  watch my children grow up to be happy people.

13.  finish an associate's degree.  finish a bachelor's degree, maybe a graduate degree.  in art.  

graduated with an associate's of science with honors, may 2012 

14.  feel like a real artist...not an amateur pretending to be a real artist.

15.  have a room in my house that i can hang art prints all over, so when i'm depressed, i can walk into that room and be surrounded by joy.

16.  find out the secret to being happy.

17.  go to the smithsonian, moma, louvre, musee d'orsay and any other art museum i can get myself to.

18.  see a broadway play on broadway.

19.  fly.....

20.  watch a sunset that takes my breath away from beginning to end.

21.  write a book.

22.  learn to play clair de lune.  if not perfectly, then at least accurately.

23.  take more piano lessons.  get better at playing.  find time to practice.

24.  learn to make those around me happy.  with no reservations.

25.  speak another language passably.

26.  purchase an original work of art that i love.  buy a couch to match the art.  inform couch salesman that it is ridiculous to buy art to match a couch.  it should be done the other way around.

27.  paint something i am truly happy with, that i can look at without second guessing or critiquing.

this one is pretty close....january 2013.

28.  own a four-poster canopy bed.

29.  dress up in a regency ball gown.

30.  be a good person, wife, mother, daughter and friend.

31.  sleep under the stars on a clear night; learn to identify a few constellations.

32.  finish my kids' scrapbooks

33.  play roller derby

34.  mail something in to post secret

35.  put blue highlights in my hair

36.  own as many animals as i can--including a giant fishtank

37.  have another baby.  before i'm 30.

38.  inspire someone to do something great.

39.  figure out what i really believe about life and religion, without worrying about what anyone else thinks.  (this one is a work in progress.)

40.  hire a maid to clean my house top to bottom while i sit on the couch and read a magazine and drink an ice cold coke.  pretend i'm a millionaire.

41.  find new friends and be comfortable in our new home--we are moving cross-country in two months.  acclimate to a totally different region and culture of the US, and support my hubby in graduate school the way he needs and deserves. (this one is also a work in progress.)

things i love

being the kind of person that i am, i feel passionately about things.  typically this means i either love something or hate something....or am totally ambivalent.  there aren't many "in-between" emotions.  and, sometimes, i can feel passionately about something and both love and hate it.

it is (generally) in my nature to be an optimist.  often this drives hubby nuts...because he worries, and i just say, "everything will be fine."  or he's stressed about something, and i just say, "no worries, relax.  everything will work out."  we balance each other pretty well in that regard, i think.

there are a lot of things i love.  a few days ago, the kids and i made "things i love" hearts.  theirs turned out pretty awesome, i have to say.

here is mine.  of course, there are a thousand more things i could have listed, but these are the things that stood out to me that day.

but of course, the thing i love most...my man.

studmuffin hubby + cornnut forever, baby.

so what do you love?  what would you include in your heart?  make one and share!

rainbows and books

 this art journal thing is pretty awesome.  i'm really enjoying myself.

found this quote on pinterest...turned it into my own work of art.  i like this...it's good to remember.  the hard times, the scary things, the unknown--they all lead to the good things in life.  new experiences, new people, new chances to learn.

another idea from pinterest--these are my children's hands.  optical illusion....they bring color and life and a thousand shades of emotion to my life.

and this one is just self-explanatory.  :)

anyone else out there use an art journal?

5th birthday

today my little buddy turned 5.

exactly five years ago at this moment, i was holding my brand new baby boy...only 3 hours old.  and marveling at the tiny creature that had come from me.

today i held my big five year old...and marveled at how grown up he is.  how intelligent, and sweet, and sensitive...and that he came from me.

i am so proud to be the mother of this amazing little boy....who isn't so little anymore.

five years old.....

art journaling: the beginnings

a few days ago i decided that i was going to start creating more art.  i've been a bit more prolific with my art production in the last few months with my painting (more on that in another post), which is awesome, but pulling my paints out and getting everything together isn't very convenient sometimes.  hauling a sketchbook and prismas around is more so.

i've posted about how much i love pinterest before (it's a creative person's paradise).  after seeing examples of art journals i decided i wanted to create my own.  many of the art journals i've seen are very beautiful--and very elaborate!  i don't have hours a day to devote to an art journal entry, not to mention the right kind of sketchbook and supplies.  so i'm doing an art journal MY way, with my choice of materials.

this sketchbook is a really nice one--and one that my AP art teacher gave me when i graduated high school in 2004.  (yes, i've been holding on to it that long!)  when i opened it up there were two drawings in it (rather ugly ones, i might add).  out they went.  i typically don't like to rip pages out of bound sketchbooks but i made an exception in this case.  it has probably 200 pages of plain paper in it.  perfect.

my choice of media is pretty typical for me as well--prismacolor pencils (both standard and verithin) and sharpies.  i LOVE sharpies.  colored sharpies, black sharpies, thick sharpies, thin sharpies, angled sharpies, paint sharpies, fabric sharpies....i love how smooth they are on paper, and the way they smell, and the brightness of the colors.

and thus my art journal was born.

this was my first page--an illustration of what is most important to me.

it is true...what i love most about my home is who i share it with.

my handsome, genius, hardworking husband.  my sweet, intelligent son.  my spitfire, loving daughter.

my home wouldn't be HOME without them.

four years ago...

i was beginning to think i would be pregnant FOREVER.

our baby boy was due on february 20, 2008.  i had spent the nine months of my pregnancy in a perpetual state of illness....and not just the typical morning sickness and aches and pains.  debilitating migraines, unexplained syncope and dizziness.  so when the end of my pregnancy neared, i was extremely anxious for the baby to come.

and i wanted to meet my precious baby boy and be a mother for the first time.

february 17, i began having contractions.  inconsistent but strong and painful.  i passed them off as worse-than-usual braxton-hicks contractions, since i started having those when i was about 13 weeks along.

february 18 came.  contracts still inconsistent.  sometimes five minutes apart, sometimes an hour apart.  that evening hubby and i had some friends over for dinner, then the boys played video games while we girls sat on the couch and talked.

contractions started being consistent and increasingly painful.

i contracted all night long.  they got worse and worse.  i thought i was going to die.  at 2 am, we went to the hospital.  and i had only dilated to 2cm.  an hour walking the hospital later, and i was at 3cm and they admitted me.  epidural several long hours later....and it was an even longer day.  i was tired, but couldn't sleep.  uncomfortable.  anxious and scared.  baby's heart rate dropped with every contraction...sometimes setting off the alarms, which was terrifying. 

i began to push around 3pm.  that baby just did not come.  after almost an hour and a half of pushing, doctor finally got out the forceps (OUCH) and our sweet baby boy was born.

february 19, 2008

4:20 pm

8 pounds, 1.5 ounces

20.5 inches long

healthy and beautiful, even if he was covered in white slime and blood.  mommy and daddy cried with joy.  daddy got to cut the cord, and i got to cuddle my sweet baby while the doctor stitched me up.  my epidural wore off, and it hurt, but my little one was gripping my finger and it was all okay.  everything in my life changed the moment he took his first breath.

being a mother is the most amazing, awe-inspiring thing i could imagine.  today we celebrated little buddy's fourth birthday.

today my sweet boy curled up on my lap, looked at me and said, "i'm glad you're my mommy."

oh, my little man, no one is more glad that i am your mommy than i am.

happy birthday, my little buddy. 

i'll love you forever,

i'll like you for always.

as long as i'm living,

my baby you'll be.

valentine's day in the cornnut household

yesterday was the day of love.
happy valentine's day!

while a number of people (including hubby) grumble about how valentine's day is a stupid holiday invented just for the greeting card/flower/candy companies to make money, i happen to like valentine's day.  for several reasons.

decorations.  let's face it.  decorations are a plus for any holiday.  i, being the nutcase that i am, LOVE decorating for any reason.  valentine's day is no exception.  (here, enjoy a photo collage of a few of my decorations.)  most of these items were made by me.  the wreath i made with dollar store ribbon, wire garland and vine wreath. the conversation hearts and the "be mine" blocks i made at my mom's house, where she and my sisters made some also.  the paper conversation hearts my adorable kids helped me make.  you can tell by the scribbles.  we made a ton of these to put down the stairs along the railing.  the LOVE banner i made with the help of my mom.  the conversation hearts in the vase...vase i already had, dollar store flowers, leftover candy from two years ago.  (i have two of these.)  window clings on the mirror in my living room, and the adorable hedgehog is courtesy of wal-mart.

flowers.  i LOVE flowers.  flowers are the BEST.  i love GETTING flowers.  not just on valentine's day, but, well, that's pretty much the only time i get them, because flowers are expensive.  so valentine's day is GREAT because hubby buys me pretty FLOWERS.  like the ones pictured below.  mini-roses.  aren't they gorgeous?

jewelry.  hubby also buys me pretty jewelry.  this year he got me a pretty necklace and earring set with teardrop-shaped purple stones.  i've worn them two days in a row.  and i LOVE jewelry.  (take a look at my bathroom counter if you don't believe me....jewelry EVERYWHERE.  but don't really look, because it is a mess.  really.)

chocolate.  seriously.  need i say more?  okay, i will.  CHOCOLATE.  lots and lots of it.  CHOCOLATE.  yum.  hubby got me one of those giant symphony candy bars.  chocolate and toffee.  unfortunately, it is not pictured, because i ate it.  and it was DELICIOUS.

kids.  kids are the best, year-round.  kids on holidays even better.  my kids were thrilled with the teddy bears hubby and i got them.  and they were by far the most adorable little valentines the world ever did see in their wal-mart shirts.  (especially little buddy.  everyone commented on that shirt.)

valentine's cards.  while we're on the subject of kids, let's talk about valentines.  my kids LOVED making valentines this year.  i cut out construction paper hearts, they used the glue sticks and crayons and voila.  beautiful cards.  since little buddy is now in preschool, he also had a class party where he got to hand out valentines.  thank you pinterest for the great ideas.  (apologies for the big black boxes, but i had to block out little buddy's name.)

the cards for the kids were so fun to make.  we took a hotwheels car with tread on the tires, ran it through black acrylic paint then across the cardstock.  doublestick tape to hold the little cars on.  they say:
"you're a WHEELY good friend!"
"you make my heart RACE!"
and "i'll never TIRE of your friendship!"

for the teachers, i got some inexpensive lotion, traced little buddy's hands on cardstock and taped them on.  they say, "miss so-and-so, you deserve a hand!"

greeting cards.  technically this could fall under the category of "valentine's cards," but we'll keep it separate.  hubby got me a cute charlie brown card to go with my fantastic gifts.  but i have to say i was extremely pleased with the card i found for him.

background: i love my husband's rear end.  this embarrasses him.  (sorry, honey!)  but the truth is, i tease him about it all the time, because he really does have the most attractive bottom i have ever seen.  (i could even tell you a story about the first time i realized what a nice butt he has, but i'll save it for another day.)  ANYWAY, i found this card while perusing, you guessed it, wal-mart. 

 

in case you can't read it, i will translate.

TO THE MAN I LOVE: after all this time, i still catch myself looking at you.  especially...well..the butt part of you.  i can't help it.  it's right there, connected to your legs.  how can i not look?  even now, as you read this, if i'm next to you, and even my eyes seem to be looking at your face...one of them is actually--yep, you guessed it: butt.  i can't help it.  my eyes are just that talented.  oh, sure, there's a lot more to you.  you're kind, and thoughtful, and funny, and oh, so handsome.  hands down, you're the best guy a girl could want.  no ifs, ands, or....you know.

HEHEHEHEHE!  i giggled.  out loud.  in wal-mart.  i would say that everyone stared, but there are lots of strange people in wal-mart so i just fit in with the crowd.  and hubby loved it.  he rolls his eyes every time i compliment his derriere, but i think he secretly loves that i love his butt.

giving gifts.  i am a gift-giver.  i love to be a gift-receiver, but one of the true joys in my life is gift-giving.  in fact, i frequently get into trouble for spending money i shouldn't on gifts for others.  this year, thanks to pinterest, i found another awesomely cool idea....a little book called the alphabet of our love.  (originally posted on the blog i love it all.)  it took me a long time to make this book for hubby.  i was thrilled with the outcome, i think it's pretty darn cute.  he loved it, too.  (and will cherish it always, because i said so.)  i have pictured only a few of the pages, because there are a lot, and because some of them i just didn't want to share.

but the best part about valentine's day?  the fact that my hubby loves me (and shows me he loves me) every other day of the year, too.

it comes again

two nights ago, something happened that hasn't happened in a long time.

i woke up shaking in terror...a nightmare.

nightmares aren't really that unusual for anyone.  for the past year or so my nightmares have been mildly disturbing, creating the occasional night of restless sleeping and disorientation that comes with the end of the dream.  i recover from them quickly and forget about them almost immediately.

two nights ago, that didn't happen.  i had another nightmare related to my abuse.  this one was different, though.  it didn't feature my abuser or the actual abuse in the way previous nightmares did.  it was mostly about one specific place.

places have been strongly linked to my memory.  my flashbacks and memories were not typically of events, but rather of the places the events occurred.  for example, i had a frequent flashback that was a single image: a camping site that my family visited almost every year as a child.  even now i see it in my mind's eye, almost like a photograph.  (i am happy to say that this image does not cause me panic or anxiety anymore.)  i thought i had put all of it behind me.  as with everything else, however, there are always setbacks, struggles, and frustrations that come up periodically.

this place...it was the basement of my grandparents' house when i was a kid.  the place where much of the abuse i experienced occurred.  in my nightmare, i was at this house.  i told someone if i had the choice i would torch the house and watch it go up in flame.  later, for some reason, i had to go into the basement.....forcing myself to stop every few stairs in order to calm down and keep going.  when i reached the end of the stairs, there was a door to the bathroom (not where it was actually located in their house).  in my nightmare, i had an anxiety attack.  i made it past the door, into the main room, but i was crying, shaking.  i was alone.  i was terrified.  i could hear my husband talking to someone upstairs...asking where i'd gone.  when he realized where i was, he was upset i'd gone by myself, knowing it was hard for me.  then (in the odd, disjointed nature of dreams) he was there, in the basement, holding a baby.  (i knew it was our baby somehow.)  i turned around and there was a strange man behind me.  the man tried to attack me and pushed me up against a wall.  my husband saved me.  then they were both gone.  i was alone again.  i turned in a circle, seeing the whole basement, the laundry room that was always kind of scary when i was a kid, the stairway to the backyard that always had spiders in it, bedrooms.  playrooms.  the bathroom.  and i panicked.  i screamed. 

my daughter woke me up from the dream.  she cried one word.  "mommy!"  really loudly...then nothing.  she either did it in her sleep, or fell asleep again immediately after.  at the time i was alone, hubby at work, and i was suddenly scared of the dark, afraid to go downstairs, afraid to get out of my bed.  i was a helpless, scared and lonely little girl again, which is a feeling i do NOT like.  in fact, i HATE that feeling.  it is attached to almost every dark moment in my life.  luckily i was able to reach hubby immediately on the phone, and he got home shortly after to hold my hand and comfort me.

last night i turned the light on in my closet because i didn't want to be in the dark.  i couldn't sleep.  i make myself anxious thinking about how tired i am but how much i don't want to have nightmares.  i was scared and lonely again.  around midnight my little girl woke up crying about something...perfect excuse for me.  i brought her into my bed, and she immediately curled her warm little body against my side.  feeling her next to me, listening to her even breaths, i was able to relax.  even feel a little bit of contentment.  and i immediately fell asleep.

i've learned a few things about myself the past few days.  i will never really get past this abuse completely, although i view this as a minor hiccup in my journey.  (considering it's been about a year since i've had one of these, when they used to happen nightly, is a pretty awesome thing.)  i don't like being alone anymore.  my family can tell you that when i was a kid, that's all i wanted--to be alone.  now, i want my husband.  i want my children.  sometimes i want to be alone, but usually i want a hand to hold, a cheek to kiss, a hug, a shoulder to lay my head on.  just a simple physical touch has the power to make me feel safe and happy now.  before it was almost threatening at times when i was in this kind of situation.  i still, however, have a very difficult time verbalizing my nightmares...like i literally cannot form words to describe it, even when i physically try to force myself.  the words won't come.  writing them, however, is possible. 

so here i am again, on my blog, my place to expel the hurt and fear and nightmares inside me.  my husband is here to hold me, my children are here to give me sloppy kisses on the cheek, the love of my family to keep me safe.  and my blog to let me release it all.

tonight i think i'll sleep better.  without the light on in the closet.  (the baby might end up with me again...but mostly because i love that soft little head and the way she clings to me when she sleeps.)

thank you, hubby, for being there for me when i'm at my worst....thank you, little ones, for loving me even though i may be the most imperfect mother ever...thank you, family, for sticking with me for 26 years of crazy....and thank you, readers, for listening.

.....relief.

goodnight.

side note: i feel compelled to say that while this house held so much horror for me, i also have so many good memories of it.  that is part of the trouble i faced in therapy: feeling such mixed feelings about a place.  i remember the most horrible experiences of my life in that house...but i also remember sleepovers, watching scamper the penguin, my grandmother making tuna sandwiches with lettuce and fried eggs.  playing in the pasture and garden.  pink flamingos, climbing the tree in the front yard, finding fuzzy caterpillars.  riding my pony.  birthday parties and holidays.  playing in my grandma's jewelry box.  the transformers.  the play kitchen in the basement.  the time one of my uncles gave me a crybaby to see me make a sour face and how disappointed he was when i liked it.  rolling on the waterbed in my grandparents' room.  the mustardy/olive green bathtub and sink in the bathroom....playing on grandma's piano.  cutting up old copies of "redbook" to make collages.  easter egg hunts, visits from santa, family dinners.  eating hamburger patties with nothing but ketchup on them, no buns.  the brown couches with blue flowers and birds on them.  the hot tub.  watermelon on the back porch....more than a decade of memories.  i am glad i am able to compartmentalize them now.  i can think about their house, the campsite, my childhood bedroom, and remember the good things without worrying about the bad.

catching up

wow....can you remember the last time i posted on this blog?  i can't, unless i look, which i'm not going to do.  :)  for any readers left....how about an update?  (and a blog post riddled with links just for the fun of it?)

life here in the cornnut household is pretty crazy.  princess just turned two (which is insane....remember when i couldn't figure out what the heck was wrong with me...and i ended up being pregnant?)  little buddy is three and a half now and in preschool.  (ALSO hard to believe he was only six months old when i started this blog.)

i am in school, hooray, and have officially been cleared for graduation in may.  i will be graduating with my associates in general studies, which is a nice way of saying i got all of my crappy general ed classes finished in community college so i can take the fun classes at a university.  i'm so stinking excited to have that piece of paper that says i did something with my education.  i've worked hard and so far have a 4.0.  yay me :)  too bad i left my math classes for my last two semesters.  i hate math.

hubby got a new job, he is now a forensic investigator with the local police department.  real-life CSI, which means i refuse to watch CSI with him now.  apparently TV is nothing like real life.  sheesh.  i'm so proud of him...new job, and he graduated with his bachelor of psychology degree in june, and he's just kicking butt all around.

i'm working too...as a photographer.  for lifetouch, in one of their JC Penny portrait studios.  people pay me to hold their adorable babies.  so if you live in my area and need a photographer, look me up.

hubby and i celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary in august.  hard to believe we've been married five years....we've had a lot of ups and downs, but we're still here, still working together to overcome the downs.  we've been through and dealt with a lot.  thanks babe...for sticking with it and helping me do the same.  i love you.

for those of you who remember...i've made peace with my parents.  some really tough stuff happened a few months ago and we were able to reconnect and overcome our issues because of it.  i'm really grateful to have a good relationship with them again, and for everything they have done for me.  my kids love being around them too.  we were able to spend some time with them yesterday, and i am just so glad we've worked things out and have been able to move forward.

my baby brother (who really isn't a baby anymore, so i should probably stop calling him that) is currently in the MTC (missionary training center).  he is serving a mission for the LDS church, and will shortly be headed to Peru.  i can't believe how grown up he is.  it's kind of giving me an identity crisis, because it makes me feel so OLD.  i'm only 25, you know....even if i look 30...and feel 50.

my youngest sister is a STAR and plays volleyball for a pac12 team!  i'd tell you which one but since this blog is supposed to be anonymous to anyone who doesn't actually know me in real life i'm not telling.  :)  if you do know me, you've already heard be brag about her, so i'm pretty sure you know where she plays.  she is aiming for the olympics...rio de janeiro, baby!  guess i better start putting my pennies in a jar.

new obsession: pinterest.  holy cow, is that thing awesome or what?  love love love finding new inspiration and fun projects to do.  (and i've actually done them, not just pinned them!  accomplishment!)  plus facebook and saving tons of money shopping....i'm a couponer!  (NOT like extreme couponing on TLC.)  i do save anywhere from $100-$200 on my monthly shopping trips, which is pretty darn cool.  i am teaching classes on how to do it, too, so if you know me and want to host a class....you should!

next month we are moving again.  same city, new place.  we got new management in our apartment complex and things have really gone downhill, plus we've had issues with our neighbors and our rent is pretty ridiculous.  we are moving into a townhome that is nicer and $300 a month cheaper.  i'm really excited, even though i hate packing, and unpacking, and moving, and the mess that is associated with it.  we are also downsizing to a two bedroom so the kids will be sharing...that will be interesting.

as many of you know.....halloween is coming, and it is my favorite-est holiday EVER.  this year's costumes are fun.  hubby is a banana again, mostly because he's not into dressing up the way i am, we don't have a lot of money, and we have a banana costume.  i got a snow white costume from freecycle (freecycle=awesomeness, find the one near you!) that fits perfectly and looks pretty cool, if i say so myself.  (in fact, we took the kids to a halloween festival our city puts on and i had moms stopping me to take pictures with their little girls....kind of surreal.)  little buddy is super why, and i made his costume myself.  while i am a perfectionist and will accept the quality of the costume, he loves it.  that's all that matters.  princess is a pirate.  why?  because my little two year old loves pirates.  she is the cutest little buccaneer the world ever did see.  she goes around saying, "arrrrr, matey" in her adorable toddler voice, only she does it deeper and gravely and sounds just like a pirate toddler should.  everyone fawns all over it, including her mama.  the kids are falling in love with halloween, probably thanks to me, and think witches and ghosts and skeletons and bats are the coolest things ever.

and, for your viewing pleasure, the pretty awesome sign my mom helped me make yesterday:

i saw a sign similar to this at Michael's for $20.  it was on a stake.  i loved the concept (i do have my own little monsters, after all) but flat out refuse to spend $20 on something like that.  and i wanted one to hang on my door, since i don't have a yard.  so....with three pieces of scrap wood (my mom had them and cut them for me), a little acrylic and puff paint, wire and ribbon (also all thanks to mom's supply), i have an adorable sign for my front door.  it's about a thousand times cuter than the one at Michael's, and we added the hands to it. that was also mom's idea.  we traced little buddy's and princess's hands and turned them into monster hands.  so not only is it cute, but in ten years when i pull it out for halloween i'll get to see how small their little hands were when i made the sign.  i really love it!

so i'm pretty sure that's about it...at least i hope so.  :)  i kind of miss my blog, even though its purpose (to help me heal and hopefully help others) has been mostly served, at least on my end.  i hope i still have new readers coming across the blog and finding some kind of inspiration and maybe comfort in knowing they aren't alone.  i definitely don't want to start over with a new one.  after three years with this blog, and several hundred posts, it's hard to imagine a new one.  i've probably lost most of my readers, though---if you're still there, still reading, let me know you're here, and how you're doing.  it would be nice to kind of catch up with a lot of you.

until next time!

a chapter closing

it has been nearly four months since my last post. it's not because nothing has been going on, but rather because i haven't known what to say. the culmination of the last four months--and, in fact, the past twelve years--came just last week. i confronted my abuser in person and forgave him.

i have been seeing a therapist on a regular basis and have been doing EMDR with her. this has had an amazing effect on me. the nightmares stopped. the flashbacks stopped. thinking about my past and the abuse no longer gave me panic attacks, caused fear or anger. i was able to let the anger toward him go. i have been much happier and much less volatile.

i have also been put on hormone therapy, which has helped immensely. i don't have such drastic mood swings and my depression has been better overall. i have had more energy and don't lose control of my emotions nearly as often.

i have had little to no contact with my parents. this has been extremely difficult for me but i believe it has been for the best. i have separated myself from the dysfunction of our realtionship. i still want so badly to try to repair the relationship but in spite of my willingness to do so, my parents have all but refused to alter their method of communication and won't listen to my feelings. i don't know how much longer this will last. i still feel ostracized and cut out of the family. part of this is my doing, i know--but to be frankly honest i felt that way even when i was communicating with them on a regular basis.

approximately two months ago i was visiting my grandmother in the hospital. she has been sick for quite some time; several years, in fact. when i arrived i found my uncle (my abuser) was there. this was the first time i had encountered him since i had done the EMDR work with my therapist. when i saw him, and knew he was there, i was able to remain calm and relatively unaffected by the situation. i left the hospital feeling happier than i had in a long time, proud of myself for my progress and relief at the fact that the fear and anxiety were no longer attached to his memory or presence.

just over a week ago our family had a devastating blow...my grandmother passed away. i have been struggling so much with her death. yesterday is the first day i have not cried since her passing...and even then i had to fight the tears. i cannot go into any more detail than this because i am sure i will lose it again. i was very close to her and i am sure it will take a long time for me to recover from the loss, to lose the ache in my chest every time i think of her.

last friday night was her viewing. i spent all week in agony, anticipating the viewing and funeral. i was so anxious, i didn't think i would be able to handle it. once there i did better than i had expected. i cried--a lot--but i didn't go into hysterics. of course my uncle was there, standing with my dad and his siblings and my grandfather, next to the casket. i avoided him through much of the viewing. but just before we left, i gathered the courage to talk to him for the first time since i was thirteen.

i felt safe knowing that i was surrounded by many people who loved me. my husband was there. he has been so strong for me, so supportive of me. i knew my grandmother would be proud of me. so i did it.

i told him that i forgave him. i told him that i would never be okay, that i would always struggle. i told him it had taken me a very long time to get to this point, but i had finally been able to forgive him.

he tried to touch my arm and i stepped back. he apologized and stepped back from me as well. he told me he was very sorry for what he did. he said that he had been through a lot of counseling, and that the therapy had helped him fix his life. he said that he tried to convey to me how sorry he was through my parents and others. he apologized to me probably five times. he thanked me for speaking to him. i told him thank you for the apology and i shook his hand. then i walked away.

through this entire interaction, which lasted five minutes at the most, i had nothing worse than butterflies in my stomach. afterward i was amazed at the way i was able to maintain my calm. i didn't feel threatened or afraid. it was an impromptu confrontation but i am very glad that i did it. i left the viewing with a mixture of devastation for the loss of my grandmother and euphoria for my ability to confront my uncle.

the next day at the funeral i did not look at him or speak to him, and he still stayed away from me. but knowing that i was finally strong enough to be in the same room as he without being affected was a huge relief.

my interaction with my parents over the course of the last week--at the hospital the day my grandmother passed, in several phone calls with my dad, at the viewing and at the funeral--were overall positive. i maintained some distance for my own emotional well-being (i had enough to deal with) but was able to hug them and cry with them. i believe they enjoyed interacting with my children. i am hopeful that things will eventually be able to change between us--but as of yet i am not holding my breath. i love my parents dearly but i need to hold on to my new found strength, to continue to stand up for myself and my well-being, to maintain emotional stability.

this journey from abuse to healing has taken me much of my life. i have an odd sense of pride in myself, of freedom. this is a very unusual feeling for me. self-loathing, anger and fear have been my constant companions for as long as i can remember. i still have a long way to go as far as my self-esteem is concerned, and as my communication with others goes, but i believe i am on my way. this blog has been a large part of my healing. the ability to share my feelings and thoughts, to connect to others who have been through what i have, to learn from and help other abuse victims has been empowering. i don't know if i will be posting here again. perhaps i will, but this chapter of my life is closing.

the image of the swallow is one that i drew. traditionally, sailors would have swallows tattooed on their bodies to represent their experience sailing--the number of miles they had traveled on the ocean. (one swallow for every 5,000 nautical miles.) it also represented hope for returning home, to safety, as birds are one of the first signs of land and a safe harbor. legend has it that if a sailor drowned at sea, the bird would alight upon his soul and carry it safely to heaven. swallows are also a symbol of freedom, loyalty and love.

this swallow is just that to me--a symbol of freedom, of hope, of a safe return. i am free from the chains of my abuse. i have hope for a better future. i have safely returned from the stormy waters of recovery. it is a symbol of healing, of love and support and loyalty from and for my family.

i wish all of you the same peace, recovery and happiness that i am beginning to find.

turn it off...please!

i wish i had an on/off switch for my emotions. i think life would be so much easier. unfortunately i am one of those people who tends to be ruled by emotions (much to the frustration of my husband.)

last night was a hard night. yesterday a hard day. i have been doing pretty well at sticking to my guns when it comes to my interactions with my parents--until yesterday morning. my youngest sister (of whom i am SO proud) had her volleyball banquet last night. at the banquet she signed her contract for a scholarship to play volleyball at one of the best universities in the nation--a PAC-10 university. my mom called me to tell me about it and the first thing she said to me in the voicemail (since i don't answer the phone from her anymore, for this reason) was a very sarcastic "it sure would be nice to talk to you, cornnut." proceeded by a message detailing that the signing was to be that night and i needed to call her back RIGHT AWAY if i wanted to be on the banquet list.

seeing as i was scheduled to work i originally told her no, and that i didn't appreciate her tone of voice via text. i then was able to arrange someone to cover my shift so i called her to tell her that i would be attending. what i got (of course) was her voice raised, an extremely rude and accusatory tone of voice, and she hung up on me--twice. an argument over the way she speaks to me, and she still was rude. (i later found out she thought i was upset about the short notice because i had said it would be nice to have prior notice, which she did not have, so how could i blame her for that? it would have been nice to have, that's all. and she thinks I take things personally. well that's not what i was upset about, i assure you.) i tried very hard to keep my cool but ended up losing it, as i usually do when emotions are high. after inviting me she told me i was no longer invited because i would "cause a scene." (of the two of us, she is much more likely to cause a scene.) i told her it was my sister's decision to make, not hers, so i called my sister and asked her if she'd like me to attend or not in a voicemail. all this happened at 9 am.

by 3:30 pm i still hadn't heard from my sister. i called her and was able to speak to her. she told me she would like me to come but it was my decision. so i attended. my mother did not speak to me, and i did not speak to her. my father spoke to me briefly, to tell me they had paid for dinner for me (although my mother had previously told me they would not pay for dinner for me because of my attitude) and there was a spot at their table. i refused to sit with them on the grounds of the argument i'd had with my mom, the fact that i was barely keeping back tears, and i did not want to ruin my sister's night. so i chose to sit in the back corner in the dark by myself. i told my dad thank you, i appreciated it, but no.

so throughout the evening i faced the consequences of my choices. i was alone, separated from my entire family while they sat together and ate and laughed and enjoyed the evening. at one point my youngest sister brought me a plate of food which was extremely kind of her. i sat through the program and awards and cried, i was so proud of my sister, and so sad i wasn't part of it. they read off a list of her awards and accomplishments. it was a pretty long list, seeing as she is one of the best high school players in the nation, has been to nationals (and took bronze), and more. the awards she won on her team included "most likely to have her jersey retired from the high school," as well as statistical awards including "most digs," "most kills," "most blocks," and "most aces." the only statistical award she didn't place first in was "most assists" and that's because she's not a setter. the team also voter her as the winner of "the rock" award which essential means she is the rock of the team, the one they all rely on.

after the program ended and she officially became a college player, i left immediately. i gave her a hug and told her i was proud of her and hightailed it out of there...where i cried nearly the whole way home (about half an hour) and cried myself to sleep.

i feel like i am finally standing up for myself, i am no longer putting up with the manipulation and emotional abuse i receive from my mother. the result is being separated from my family--more so than i ever was. as a kid i was the one who fought back and the result was being separated. as an adult i fought back, same thing--and it is always my fault, my problem, my issue, they never make mistakes or do anything wrong, they have zero responsibility in it. all i've asked for is acknowledgment of their mistakes and validation of my feelings. instead i get anger and even more blame. how frustrating and even humiliating.

i'm so sick of the drama i can't even begin to tell you. but this time i'm not backing down. i've told them it is their choice. their choice to validate me, or their choice for me to stay away. obviously they have made their choice, and i have made mine, and now we all have to live with the consequences.

and if anyone is going to leave comments defending my parents, don't bother. i don't want to hear it. the fact is they are masters of manipulation and are really great at twisting reality.

the best cake i ever made...

so as you know, my little princess turned one last saturday. and what would be better for a princess than a princess party? we decorated the whole house in pink and white streamers, pink and white balloons and princess decorations. she had a little fuzzy pink party hat that said "princess," her onesie said "little princess," and we got her a sparkly pink princess skirt. everything was pink, pink, pink.

but the thing that took the cake was the cake.

a few months ago i was meandering around wal-mart and came across this:

and said, "this is perfect!"

my mother in law decorates cakes and has taken a bunch of classes. so i asked her if she would help me since i know nothing about cake decorating and have never made a two tier cake let alone a two layer cake. she agreed so we spent way too many hours making the cake. i got the wrong kind of cream cheese so the first batch of frosting was ruined. (word of advice: don't use fat-free cream cheese for baking. yuck.) top tier was chocolate, bottom tier was devil's food on one layer and funfetti on the other. somehow my MIL knows how to make delicious cake, i can't make a boxed cake mix taste that good. filled with cream cheese frosting and voila.
next up, the decorating. this took several hours...we were up until about 1 am. the kit comes with the towers, windows, door and little cones for the top of the towers. they are all plain white plastic, so you do the decorating. here they are after i'd piped the purple around the little windows and stuck edible glitter on them.
the cones we smothered in purple frosting and rolled in the glitter.
then little white balls of cream cheese frosting, and leaves...
here is the cake after we'd put on the leaves and flowers plus the door and the front part. the rest had to wait until the day of the party or the towers would all tip over.
so skip ahead to the afternoon of the party. we stuck the towers on, put the cones on them and frosting-glued them to the cake.
and here is the finished product. isn't it amazing?

what a cake for a baby's first birthday! i was so proud of it! it was sad when we dismantled it.
but let me tell you, those chubby little hands sure loved digging around in it!


and it was delicious!

happy first birthday, princess

Today will soon be over
Tomorrow will arrive
Right now I’m going to hold you
Until you close your eyes

Words can’t always sum up
The feelings that I feel
So peaceful when you’re sleeping
I know you’ll hear me still

Singing ‘You are very special to me
And I am very special to you
I know that this is where I am meant to be
I’m glad that my baby is you’

Exactly what I wanted
Exactly who you are
I know we’ll work together
And we will reach the stars

Families stick together
And family lasts forever
Forever, that’s how long
I’ll love you

Singing "You are very special to me
And I am very special to you
I know that this is where I am meant to be
I’m glad that my baby is you"

I know this is where I am meant to be
I’m glad that my baby is you
(from baby signing time)

happy birthday to my baby girl...
i love you more than you will ever know.

love,
mommy

this is how i'm feeling today

a picture is worth a thousand words and i have seven.

i purposefully chose the images of little girls....because it is the little girl inside of me crying for her mommy and daddy to protect and love her.

the adult is confused, frustrated and angry...feeling betrayed by the people who are supposed to love and comfort her, validate and help her.

i'm glad i have my husband to protect me and love me and stand up for me.