the time line is finished

it's been awhile since i posted...things have been pretty busy.

i finished my timeline. i haven't measured the second roll but it's probably about as long as the first. surprisingly, the last six or so years were the hardest. i really had to push myself to finish. i had an easier time writing about the actual trauma experiences than i did writing about my adult years. i have a few theories as to why.

the happiest years were my junior and senior years of high school. i had great friends, a great counselor, and i was really working hard on myself and my recovery. i took the SOLE class which helped me immensely.

then i moved out of my parents house to start college. and i made a lot of stupid choices. i got a boyfriend who was in every way wrong for me. i was overwhelmed by school and didn't really show up to class often. i was put on academic warning, then academic probation. my depression got out of control. i stayed up all night and slept all day. i lost several jobs. i distanced myself from my family and from my religion--i stopped going to church as often, reading my scriptures, writing in my journal and praying as much as i had before. i stopped going to counseling. i was doing better so i stopped working.

i married my wonderful husband and shortly after our wedding got really sick. we dealt with my illness and financial struggles. we moved, i got pregnant, and my hormones went crazy--and from there my mental health has really done kind of a nose dive. my anxiety increased. i began having flashbacks and nightmares. i've changed meds several times. my anger and behavioral problems have increased.

it was so hard to look at how well i did, then how poorly i have been doing the last few years--partly due to my own choices. i can't help but wonder how i would be doing now had i made different choices, stayed in therapy, went to class and not wasted so much time with a boyfriend that pulled me down. i'll never know.

at this point all i can do is learn from it, try to make my future better than my past. i'm in counseling and doing the homework she gives me. i'm far from perfect but i'm working harder to be better. i'm taking my meds every day and really paying attention to my behavior although i still feel out of control of it much of the time. and i also don't always see my negative behavior.

for awhile i was doing better. and i think a lot of it correlated with the fact that the nightmares stopped for a couple weeks. but the nightmares have come back, and with it the depression, the sleeplessness, the anxiety, and the overreacting. how do i stop the nightmares? i wish i knew. i'm still writing them all down but i don't know what triggers them. my therapist has me keeping a "mood log" now too to see if how i feel during the day affects the nightmares. i guess we'll see if it correlates.

i am so ready for all of this to be over. i want to be happy. i want to get along with the people around me. i want to be a better person, wife, mother, daughter, friend. i want to move on with my life instead of living in fear and anxiety and depression. is it even possible? will i ever get there? how long is it going to take me?