shine in the darkness

so i'm doing something monumentally crazy.

i am putting every (well, almost every) blog post i've ever written plus all the comments i've received in a word document.

that's 4 1/2 years of blog posts.  eek!

granted, the last two or so of those years i haven't posted much.  but still--that's a lot of word document editing!

why, you ask?

well, because i can't afford to have one of those awesome hard-bound books printed that you can order online.  so instead i'll have my inkjet printer and copy paper.  but you know what?  it works.

as i've been going back and copy/pasting all of my posts and comments, i'm amazed at how much i've changed.  when i first started blogging, buddy was only 9 months old.  now he's five, and i have a second child--princess, who is 3.  i've moved four times, once across the country.  i've been to who knows how many therapists, been on and off who knows how many medications.

the biggest change of all?  how i FEEL.

sure, i still struggle with depression occasionally.  but, it's OCCASIONALLY now, not every day.  i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on medication that actually works.  i saw a therapist that really helped.  My PTSD combined with the bipolar nearly ended my life--and now pretty much every symptom of PTSD is gone.  there are still some, and it still pops up unexpectedly, but it no longer rules my life.

i forgave my abuser.

i moved on.

my marriage is stronger, i think.  i'm more mature.  i graduated college with a 2-year degree--a huge accomplishment for me.  i can look at the world with eyes less jaded by mental illness and the lingering effects of abuse.

so what's the same?

i still struggle with self-esteem.  i still worry that i'm a horrible mom, that i'm screwing my kids up.  i still loathe the laundry and my house is rarely clean--and when it is, it's usually because hubby cleaned it.

i'm still a mother.  i still am IN LOVE with being a mother.  it's hard, and as my kids get older my role evolves.  but when i hold my now three year old baby girl in the middle of the night, and run my fingers through her hair, and dry her tears--i am filled with so much love i feel as if i might burst with it.

i'm still an artist, maybe even more so--because i try harder to make more time for it.  my little art journal is great.  it doesn't take a long time to get supplies ready, or for paint to dry, or to clean up--because let's face it, sharpies pretty much rock.

i still have a mental illness.  medication is miraculous, but it's still something that i'm learning about and overcoming.  so any of you out there who are in the boat i was in a few years ago, have hope.  look at how far i've come!  i know you can do it, too.

so cry, if you need to.  throw a pillow at the wall.  scream at the top of your lungs.  write pages and pages in your journal about how hard life is.  i did it.  but also know that there's someone out there who cares about what you're going through.  i do!  maybe i don't know you, maybe i never will.  but there is one thing about me that i hope never changes: i love everyone, people i have never met, people i haven't.  it takes a lot for me to dislike someone, and even more for me to hate someone.  and i truly care about people and their lives.

so when it gets hard, just tell yourself--"cornnut loves me.  she did it, so can i."

and remember this very cliche statement--"stars can't shine without darkness."  so even if your light is dim right now, it can get brighter.  just keep shining!

i wonder if any of my friends that commented on my blog so regularly are still out there, maybe reading.  so many women who supported me when i was at my lowest.  so if you're out there, i'd love to hear from you again.  thanks for pushing me through when i needed it.

reflections of a blog in two parts: insight and history

doesn't that title make you think you're going to get some awesomely intelligent and insightful post?  hehe...fooled ya.  (maybe.)

i got an email today from cat, the doctoral student using my blog for her dissertation.  she asked me several questions about why i started blogging and how it has helped me.  before i knew it, i had written her a new copy of war and peace.  (go, me!)

and i really do know how to talk and talk and talk.  just ask my hubby.  he'd be happy to tell you how i never shut up. (and you can tell by the way i always put these extra parenthetical remarks at the end of most of my paragraphs that i just can't help myself.)

if you've been here with me from the beginning, or close to it, or have spent insane amount of time reading archives, you probably know the answers to these questions.  i'm not going to post what i wrote to her about when and why i started blogging.  (you can read more about that if you read my "about" page, the page called "my story," or the first month or two of my archives.  none of those are hyperlinked because they're on my sidebar and i'm to lazy to find the URLs for all of them.  sorry.)

but as for how it's helped me?

Blogging has most definitely been helpful, for several reasons.  Most of them selfish, I confess.  First, it's a great place to vent.  But not like venting to a journal.  I can vent on a blog, and someone else (maybe my best friend, maybe a complete stranger) can say, "hey!  Me too.  I understand."  I really felt (feel) listened to.  And every time someone leaves me a comment, I feel validated.  I feel worth something.  That is huge for me, when I've spent my whole life feeling worthless and invalidated.

It's also a great way of working through things.  I can go to my blog wound up so tight and so anxious I am hyperventilating, and leave twenty minutes later with a smile on my face.  It's a dumping ground.  I dump my baggage, I shut my computer and leave most of it there.  Talking about it really is helpful, but sometimes it's too hard or scary to say the words out loud.  Letting my fingers put it in print is not the same as voicing it.  I know it sounds strange, but maybe you understand.  Saying it makes it too real, almost like creating a tangible being with my words.  As if saying my abuser's name makes him appear before me.  It kind of does, actually, which might say something about me, I guess.  

A long time ago (when I was a teenager) I decided that if I had to live through hell, I might as well use it to make someone else's hell less terrifying.  I told a few people about what I was dealing with and found that several others had been through similar experiences.  Sharing mine helped them (and me) feel less alone, less isolated.  I perpetuated that with my blog, in a much broader sense.  Instead of telling a few select people in a very confidential way, I put it out on the internet for the whole world.  Granted, a lot of my readers don't know me, but almost everyone I know in real life has access to it as well, between twitter, facebook, my email, and word of mouth.  That was scary for me, but it was also liberating.  No more hiding anything.

The last reason is to raise awareness about childhood sexual abuse.  Telling people about it.  Talking about statistics.  Putting the facts out there, right in their faces, where they can see that the chances of their daughter being molested is 1 in 4--and more than likely by someone that they know and trust.  If my talking about it makes a difference for one child, it's a huge thing.  Not only for that child, and that child's family, but also for me.  It helps me to think that maybe I'm making a difference for someone else.  Maybe I'm saving one person from having to live through what I've lived through.

her third question.  she asked me to look back through my posts and choose one or more to talk about and tell her what inspired me to write it.  (i haven't responded to that question yet.)

i looked through my archives tonight.  i'm not kidding, either, when i tell you i went through three years of posts.  some of them i just skipped over.  most of them i read.  (well, mostly read.)

and i cried.

i cried for myself, mostly, because in reading these posts full of despair, and confusion, depression, isolation, fear, and helplessness, i saw a shadow of my current self.  the shadow that i fear still lurks under the surface, as i saw last week with the sudden reappearance of a nightmare.  i also cried because i'm so grateful that i'm not having multiple flashbacks a day.  because i'm relieved that i'm not constantly struggling with suicidal thoughts.  and i cried because when i started this blog, little buddy was a baby...and i watched as an outsider while he and princess grew up in my posts.  time passes so quickly.

while i read through all of these posts, i saw comments from readers that i have missed, others whose blogs i felt a connection to.  friends...other survivors.  i miss them.  is that weird?  people i have never met, don't really know, but felt such a strong connection to.  (i swear sometime soon i am going to find their blogs again.  or are you reading, enola?  vicki?  bev?  patricia?  tara?  paula?  cheryl?  and a hundred others?)

it's been a roller coaster tonight.  but i think i narrowed it down to a few that i'd like to think about further.

the post about my teddy bear (which happens to be my most popular post as far as views goes...interesting)

a post about my nightmares

one of the art therapy activities i did, my life's road

lessons from a sparrow

a chapter closing

(guess i'm not too lazy to find those URLs....haha!)

what do you think?  do you have a favorite post?  those of you who have been around for a long time, even those of you who haven't, let me know which posts you like/love/hate or really speak to you.  or the ones that i better not talk about. 

totally random and unrelated sidenote: had to watch some stupid video today for my computer class about how to start a blog on blogger, upload media, create posts and use blog features.  i laughed.  then i aced the quiz.  (go, me!  again.)

a chapter closing

it has been nearly four months since my last post. it's not because nothing has been going on, but rather because i haven't known what to say. the culmination of the last four months--and, in fact, the past twelve years--came just last week. i confronted my abuser in person and forgave him.

i have been seeing a therapist on a regular basis and have been doing EMDR with her. this has had an amazing effect on me. the nightmares stopped. the flashbacks stopped. thinking about my past and the abuse no longer gave me panic attacks, caused fear or anger. i was able to let the anger toward him go. i have been much happier and much less volatile.

i have also been put on hormone therapy, which has helped immensely. i don't have such drastic mood swings and my depression has been better overall. i have had more energy and don't lose control of my emotions nearly as often.

i have had little to no contact with my parents. this has been extremely difficult for me but i believe it has been for the best. i have separated myself from the dysfunction of our realtionship. i still want so badly to try to repair the relationship but in spite of my willingness to do so, my parents have all but refused to alter their method of communication and won't listen to my feelings. i don't know how much longer this will last. i still feel ostracized and cut out of the family. part of this is my doing, i know--but to be frankly honest i felt that way even when i was communicating with them on a regular basis.

approximately two months ago i was visiting my grandmother in the hospital. she has been sick for quite some time; several years, in fact. when i arrived i found my uncle (my abuser) was there. this was the first time i had encountered him since i had done the EMDR work with my therapist. when i saw him, and knew he was there, i was able to remain calm and relatively unaffected by the situation. i left the hospital feeling happier than i had in a long time, proud of myself for my progress and relief at the fact that the fear and anxiety were no longer attached to his memory or presence.

just over a week ago our family had a devastating blow...my grandmother passed away. i have been struggling so much with her death. yesterday is the first day i have not cried since her passing...and even then i had to fight the tears. i cannot go into any more detail than this because i am sure i will lose it again. i was very close to her and i am sure it will take a long time for me to recover from the loss, to lose the ache in my chest every time i think of her.

last friday night was her viewing. i spent all week in agony, anticipating the viewing and funeral. i was so anxious, i didn't think i would be able to handle it. once there i did better than i had expected. i cried--a lot--but i didn't go into hysterics. of course my uncle was there, standing with my dad and his siblings and my grandfather, next to the casket. i avoided him through much of the viewing. but just before we left, i gathered the courage to talk to him for the first time since i was thirteen.

i felt safe knowing that i was surrounded by many people who loved me. my husband was there. he has been so strong for me, so supportive of me. i knew my grandmother would be proud of me. so i did it.

i told him that i forgave him. i told him that i would never be okay, that i would always struggle. i told him it had taken me a very long time to get to this point, but i had finally been able to forgive him.

he tried to touch my arm and i stepped back. he apologized and stepped back from me as well. he told me he was very sorry for what he did. he said that he had been through a lot of counseling, and that the therapy had helped him fix his life. he said that he tried to convey to me how sorry he was through my parents and others. he apologized to me probably five times. he thanked me for speaking to him. i told him thank you for the apology and i shook his hand. then i walked away.

through this entire interaction, which lasted five minutes at the most, i had nothing worse than butterflies in my stomach. afterward i was amazed at the way i was able to maintain my calm. i didn't feel threatened or afraid. it was an impromptu confrontation but i am very glad that i did it. i left the viewing with a mixture of devastation for the loss of my grandmother and euphoria for my ability to confront my uncle.

the next day at the funeral i did not look at him or speak to him, and he still stayed away from me. but knowing that i was finally strong enough to be in the same room as he without being affected was a huge relief.

my interaction with my parents over the course of the last week--at the hospital the day my grandmother passed, in several phone calls with my dad, at the viewing and at the funeral--were overall positive. i maintained some distance for my own emotional well-being (i had enough to deal with) but was able to hug them and cry with them. i believe they enjoyed interacting with my children. i am hopeful that things will eventually be able to change between us--but as of yet i am not holding my breath. i love my parents dearly but i need to hold on to my new found strength, to continue to stand up for myself and my well-being, to maintain emotional stability.

this journey from abuse to healing has taken me much of my life. i have an odd sense of pride in myself, of freedom. this is a very unusual feeling for me. self-loathing, anger and fear have been my constant companions for as long as i can remember. i still have a long way to go as far as my self-esteem is concerned, and as my communication with others goes, but i believe i am on my way. this blog has been a large part of my healing. the ability to share my feelings and thoughts, to connect to others who have been through what i have, to learn from and help other abuse victims has been empowering. i don't know if i will be posting here again. perhaps i will, but this chapter of my life is closing.

the image of the swallow is one that i drew. traditionally, sailors would have swallows tattooed on their bodies to represent their experience sailing--the number of miles they had traveled on the ocean. (one swallow for every 5,000 nautical miles.) it also represented hope for returning home, to safety, as birds are one of the first signs of land and a safe harbor. legend has it that if a sailor drowned at sea, the bird would alight upon his soul and carry it safely to heaven. swallows are also a symbol of freedom, loyalty and love.

this swallow is just that to me--a symbol of freedom, of hope, of a safe return. i am free from the chains of my abuse. i have hope for a better future. i have safely returned from the stormy waters of recovery. it is a symbol of healing, of love and support and loyalty from and for my family.

i wish all of you the same peace, recovery and happiness that i am beginning to find.

my personal coat of arms: part two

yesterday i posted about a personal coat of arms. it got to be pretty long, so i decided to split it up into two posts. here is the second part.

4- future goals. this is a tough one for me. the ultimate goal....to be happy. but is anyone really happy? no one is happy all the time. i guess the goal here is to learn to be happier more than i am now. learn to manage my depression and PTSD in a way that is healthier. my goal is to continue with therapy, deal with my past in a positive and healthy way, and move forward with my life. my goal is to be a better wife, a better mother, a better person...to be nicer to my husband. to laugh more. to joke around more. to not get so worked up over stupid things.

and the scariest goal of all: to confront my abuser, to tell him what he has done to me and my life. how he has changed me. what he has taken from me, what he has done to my family. saying this sends tremors of fear down my spine. but i think it may be one of the only ways to truly be able to move forward--and what a terrifying leap it is.

5- resilience. another question. perhaps this means, how am i going to be resilient? i had to read up on the term 'resilience' in a psychological context. resilience is, in effect, recovery from trauma. taking the horrific experiences and turning them into a strength. becoming a strong person in spite of my childhood.

so how do i become a resilient person? i don't think i can do it alone. i need help. my husband, here by my side, is my biggest help. in spite of being frustrated by my issues, my instability, he is still here (a miracle in my eyes) and he still loves me. he tells me i am strong and tries to get me to see that i can be better than i am. my therapist, as well. she is helping me, treating my mental illness, slowly helping me to heal. if my husband is my support, she is my guide through this scary journey of healing.

the american psychological association suggests "ways to build resilience." these include: maintaining good relationships with close family members
avoid seeing crises/stressful events as unbearable problems
accepting circumstances that can't be changed
developing realistic goals and moving toward them
taking decisive actions in adverse situations
looking for opportunities of self-discovery
developing self-confidence
keeping a long-term perspective
maintaining a hopeful outlook
to take care of one's mind and body
learning from the past
maintaining flexibility and balance
paying attention to one's needs
engaging in relaxing activities that one enjoys

that's a lot to think about, and way more than i can (or wish to) address right now. so i will talk about the ones that i feel are most pertinent to me.

i have already talked about working on my relationship with my family members in my goals section. this is very important to me...and frankly a difficult task. it's hard for me to be nice when i'm struggling with flashbacks and nightmares and my own personal demons. but i have got to learn, for them.

i definitely need to work toward not seeing stressful situations as unbearable. when i get extremely upset...it seems my mind instantly gravitates toward suicide, which is definitely not healthy.

developing self-confidence....that is a big one. possibly the hardest hurdle for me to overcome. i have talked a lot about this in the past and so i won't go into more detail here.

the last i will discuss is engaging in relaxing activities one enjoys. for me...this is my art. for a very long time i have been doing very little, if not nothing, with it. until recently when i started taking an art class again. and i just love this. i love the two hours a week i have to paint....where i feel like myself, at the most basic and most pure level of who i am.

so, resilience. these are some pretty good ways to become more resilient to my past, even to my present, thanks to PTSD and depression. i have become more resilient than i have been in the past and i can continue to be more so.

6- hope. this is a big word. hope. i have hope for the future. hope for a day where i won't think about the abuse. hope for the day that i can be happy....without something big and dark and nasty lurking in the back of my mind. hope for being a better person. hope for better relationships with those i love. i have hope. some might call it faith. to me...it is the same thing. faith that my life will get better. hope is what has kept me alive. without hope for a better life, without hope of being a better person, there is nothing else, is there? even with my family, even having my family, if there is no hope for a better life for them, then what is there? hope is the driving force behind all of us, i think. it is a fundamental part of life, what keeps us moving forward. hope for love, hope for money, hope for a better job, hope for a family, hope for healing, hope for happiness.

so now...for the last part. a personal motto. i wasn't sure how to do this either. so more researching on the internet....and i found a great way to do it. here is the format: "i am a _____, _____, and ______ person who is ____ing" phrase.

i am a passionate, loving, and creative woman who is striving to be a better person in order to enrich the lives of my family, friends, and all with whom i come into contact.

so there it is. my personal motto. i hope that's how it's supposed to be done.

so now...i challenge you, all of you readers out there, to create your own. this was a great way to reflect upon myself and my life.

thanks tara for inspiring me to do this.

my personal coat of arms

recently i discovered a blog of a fellow survivor, tara, who blogs at broken but learning to heal. i saw this idea that she put up on her blog: a personal coat of arms. somewhere in my distant memory i think i have done this before, but obviously can't remember....it was probably ten years ago at least. so i think i'm going to do it again, and would invite anyone out there who would like to participate to please do so.

so here's the setup. it is divided into six sections and a personal motto. here are the sections:
1-something you are proud of
2-something you hold dear
3-child self
4-future goals
5-resilience
6-hope

i have decided that i am going to do both a written and a drawn coat of arms. my coat of arms will also be split into two posts because as i'm writing i've found it's pretty lengthy.

1- something i am proud of. i am proud of my art. i am proud of the way i can pour my emotion out onto a piece of paper by means of a pen, a pencil, a paintbrush. i am proud of the message my art conveys--it is my own, my soul, out there for the world to see. i am proud of myself for being courageous enough to show such personal parts of myself to the world, and to be open for criticism.

2- something i hold dear. i hold my family dear. my husband, my beautiful children. my chest aches thinking about how much i love them, how much they mean to me. my family is my world. i hold onto them inside of me with a fierce grip, one that i will never let go, never loosen. i hold the sweet smiles, the hugs, the word "mommy" and the love dearer than my own breath. i need them, i need their presence in my life, i need my husband's love and acceptance, the love and trust of my children.

3- my child self. to be honest, i'm not really sure what this is asking. who is my inner child? i haven't really addressed this much in therapy, if at all. i have been thinking about it a lot lately, reading others' experiences in healing and caring for their own inner child.

my inner child is scared. she feels terror, betrayal, confusion, physical and emotional hurt. my inner child needs to be held close, and to hear someone she loves tell her that she is loved, she is a good girl, she is worth something. she needs to be rocked back and forth and told that everything is going to be okay, everything is going to work out. she needs to believe that. and understand that even if everything doesn't work out the way she thinks it will...it will still be okay. my inner child needs to feel joy, needs to feel safe and protected.

my adult self needs that, too.

tomorrow i will post the rest of them.

Precious Children, A Gift From God

excerpt from “Precious Children, a Gift from God,” Ensign, Jun 2000, by President Thomas S. Monson

If only all children had loving parents, safe homes, and caring friends, what a wonderful world would be theirs. Unfortunately, all children are not so bounteously blessed. Some children witness their fathers savagely beating their mothers, while others are on the receiving end of such abuse. What cowardice, what depravity, what shame!

Local hospitals everywhere receive these little ones, bruised and battered, accompanied by bald-faced lies that the child “ran into the door” or “fell down the stairs.” Liars, bullies who abuse children, they will one day reap the whirlwind of their foul deeds. The quiet, the hurt, the offended child victim of abuse, and at times incest, must receive help.

A district judge, in a letter to me, declared: “Sexual abuse of children is one of the most depraved, destructive, and demoralizing crimes in civilized society. There is an alarming increase of reported physical, psychological, and sexual abuse of children. Our courts are becoming inundated with this repulsive behavior.”

The Church does not condone such heinous and vile conduct. Rather, we condemn in the harshest of terms such treatment of God’s precious children. Let the child be rescued, nurtured, loved, and healed. Let the offender be brought to justice, to accountability, for his or her actions and receive professional treatment to curtail such wicked and devilish conduct. When you and I know of such conduct and fail to take action to eradicate it, we become part of the problem. We share part of the guilt. We experience part of the punishment.

I trust I have not spoken too harshly, but I love these little ones and know that the Lord loves them too. No more touching account of this love can be found than the experience of Jesus blessing the children as described in 3 Nephi. It tells of Jesus healing the sick, teaching the people, and praying to Heavenly Father for them. But then let me quote the precious words:

“[Jesus] took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.

“And when he had done this he wept again;

“And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones.

“And as they looked to behold they cast their eyes towards heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; … and the angels did minister unto them.” 11

You may ask, Do such things occur even today? Let me share with you the beautiful account of a grandmother and a grandfather who were serving a mission years ago and the manner in which their little grandson was blessed. The missionary grandfather wrote:

“My wife, Deanna, and I are now serving a mission in Jackson, Ohio. One of our big concerns as we accepted a mission call was our family. We would not be there when they had problems.

“Just before we went on our mission, our grandson, R. J., who was two and a half years old, had to have surgery to correct a crossed eye. His mother asked me to go with them because R. J. and I are real buddies. The operation went well, but R. J. did cry before and after the surgery because none of the family could go into the operating room, and he was afraid.

“About six months later, while we were still on our mission, R. J. needed the other eye corrected. His mother phoned and expressed her desire for me to be there to go with them for the second operation. Of course, distance and the mission prevented me from being with him. Deanna and I fasted and prayed for the Lord to comfort our grandson during his operation.

“We called shortly after the surgery was over and found that R. J. had remembered the previous experience and did not want to leave his parents. But as soon as he entered the operating room, he quieted down. He lay down on the operating table, took off his glasses for them, and went through the operation with a calm spirit. We were very thankful; our prayers had been answered.

“A couple of days later, we called our daughter and asked about R. J. He was doing fine, and she related this incident to us: In the afternoon after the operation, R. J. awakened and told his mother that Grandpa was there during the operation. He said, ‘Grandpa was there and made it all right.’ You see, the Lord made the anesthesiologist appear to that little boy as though he were his grandpa, but his grandpa and grandma were on a mission 1,800 miles away.”

Grandpa may not have been by your bedside, R. J., but you were in his prayers and in his thoughts. You were cradled in the hand of the Lord and blessed by the Father of us all.

My dear brothers and sisters, may the laughter of children gladden our hearts. May the faith of children soothe our souls. May the love of children prompt our deeds. “Children are an heritage of the Lord.” 12 May our Heavenly Father ever bless these sweet souls, these special friends of the Master.

Cornnut is an art lover and an advocate for child abuse prevention.
She loves being a wife and a mother. Check out her personal blog, Picture of Experience .

june edition of the blog carnival against child abuse: fathers and parents

it is time for the june edition of the blog carnival against child abuse. i have really enjoyed hosting this month's edition and reading all of the submissions.

father's day is in a few short days, and for many survivors it is a day full of reflection--both painful and joyful. i think it is very appropriate that the theme for this month is about fathers and parents in general.

trigger warning: please read with caution, as many posts may be triggering to survivors of abuse.

our first post, Father's Day, comes from Colleen at Surviving by Grace. Colleen shares her decision to stop sending her father cards on father's day. i applaud her for her strength in choosing to do what is best for her!

next up is my post (cornnut), titled the fathers in my life, posted here at picture of experience. in my post i talk about the other side of father's day for survivors--my father and my father in heaven, who have been loving and supportive through my healing journey.

good for Jumping In Puddles for posting Fathers Day at Lifes Spacings. (warning: this may be especially triggering.) this post shows guts. way to stand up for yourself!

Colleen from Surviving by Grace is back again, presenting The Papa I Never Had. i have to admit that this post brought tears to my eyes. thank you for sharing your new found view on God as a Father, not just a Creator!

just after the death of her father, Enola shares The Land of Numb. this post is something i think we can all relate with--that place that we go when we're trying to deal with so many difficult feelings. posted at ~Enola~.

over at her blog ~Perfect~, Kim discusses " A sort of complication of Father work done and Father work remaining to be done." her post Fathers, Fathers, Fathers covers the progress she has made with overcoming her issues with her own father, and her daughter's father, and also the work she has yet to do.

in the form of a letter to her father, Vicki Johnson presents Father's Day posted at Here In My World. vicki shares how she is looking forward to being able to talk to her father about her childhood pain.

advocacy and awareness
Jaynie discusses the appropriateness of rompers for adult women in Rompers: I Interviewed A Designer, And I Liked It! posted at Here's Looking Like You, Kid. this post really got me thinking about childlike clothing on adult women: is it really objectifying? does it really show that our society views child-like women as being more desirable?

Mommy vs. The Monsters » Being “Nice” = Acquiescence posted at Mommy vs. The Monsters is written by Heather M. this is a post all parents should read. Heather discusses the term "acquiesence" and how we should teach our children that "‘Being nice’ is NEVER required when it means allowing someone to hurt or scare them."

Marcella Chester presents RESPECT! Campaign Provides Tools Related To Respectful Relationships, posted at abyss2hope: A rape survivor's zigzag journey into the open. this campaign is an initiative to advance a national movement to promote healthy relationships and stop relationship violence through positive role modeling and respect education.

poetry
i love reading survivor poetry, and this post from Rick Belden is no different. gift (iron man dream #3) posted at poetry, dreams, and the body is a poignant poem discussing a dream gift from his father.

in the news
abuse comes from many sources. Hall Monitor presents Parents Say Cell Phone Video Shows Teacher Choking Student posted at DetentionSlip.org. two wrongs do not make a right!

i especially enjoyed reading Of Abuse & Avatars — And Outrage posted by Alessia at Relationship Underarm Stick. she discusses an article titled Childhood Abuse, Avatar Choices, and Other Risk Factors Associated With Internet-Initiated Victimization of Adolescent Girls published in Pediatrics, the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics. The article discusses a study showing a correlation between teen girls who receive sexual advances, their avatar choices, and past childhood abuse.

i love this post from Eva Marie Woywod, called The Bond in Being a Survivor; it can be a gift posted at Thankfully Chewed Up and Spat Back Out. here eva talks about her reaction to the news story of 5-year-old Nevaeh Buchanan. i especially love this quote from eva: "We have insurance to repair our cars when they are dented in an accident...a child..a victim of domestic violence doesn't have insurance to repair the dent left in their soul when they are harmed...they need the love, care, and concern of society...strangers...to help to heal."

survivor stories
Surbhi Bhatia presents a child's story of abuse titled Our Little Secret posted at The Viewspaper. what an eye-opening account of childhood abuse!

i cannot describe this post, Begin Again Each Day: Be The Light! by Marj aka Thriver posted at Survivors Can Thrive! better than she did: "I didn't get a chance to write up a post about fathers or parents, but this old post--which has a story in it I was prompted to write as an assignment for one of my old therapists--is about the light I believe every child is born with. I also believe that my parents--my father especially--could not tolerate my light and systematically went about trying to snuff it out. As survivors learning to thrive and break the cycle of child abuse, we can all be a light in the darkness."

Sarah writes about her journey of faith in overcoming the damaging effects of child abuse and rape in her post Braver than you Think on her blog Writing.

healing and therapy
contributor Nancy Richards discusses the importance of Remembering to Mourn, posted at Heal and Forgive. just as many survivors struggle with mourning through the healing process, Nancy does. she shares her mourning "rituals" that have really helped her process this difficult part of healing.

thank you so much to all of our contributors. it can be a difficult thing to share such personal experiences with the world. i admire all of you for sharing your thoughts and histories so that we can all try to make this world a better, safer place for our children. i feel so blessed to be among such an amazing group of survivors!

Keeping Mentally Well

The atoning love of the Savior includes His willingness to bear not only the burden of our sins--which would separate us forever from our Father--but also our day-to-day burdens of fear and anxiety--which would deprive us of peace and joy.

As Sister Patricia Holland explains, giving our burdens to the Lord sometimes requires us "to make that leap of faith toward His embrace when we are least certain of His presence...When we hand our fears and frustrations to Him in absolute confidence that He will help us resolve them, when in this way we free our heart and mind and soul of all anxiety, we find in a rather miraculous way that He can instill within us a whole new perspective--He can fill us with 'that joy which is unspeakable and full of glory' (see Helaman 5:44)."

Cornnut is an art lover and an advocate for child abuse prevention.
She loves being a wife and a mother. Check out her personal blog, Picture of Experience .

the fathers in my life

as a child i endured horrific and prolonged sexual abuse. far too often abuse is at the hands of a parent, especially a father. in my case my abuser was my uncle, my dad's youngest brother. how easy it would have been for my parents, like so many others, to refuse to believe my uncle was capable of such behavior. how convenient it would have been for them to turn their heads and push it under the rug, for the sake of "keeping the family together." for many survivors this is part of their story. my parents did none of those things.

the day my sister and i approached my parents with the details of our abuse is one that stands out in my mind. the unbelievable love and support i received from my parents after the initial shock can not be described. they never questioned us--from the very beginning the trusted and believed us completely. action was taken immediately. my sister and i were put into counseling, my parents approached my grandparents and my uncle, and legal action was taken. as an adult i am aware of how unique a situation this is, and i am in awe of my parents for being able to put their own feelings on the backburner in order to make sure my sister and i got the help we needed.

throughout my teenage years as i painfully and slowly began the healing process, my parents were there for me. in nearly every other aspect of my growing up i struggled with the way my parents dealt with things. with my abuse, i have very few complaints. instead i am filled with gratitude for the understanding and support they gave me, and continue to give me. my father especially has struggled as his relationships with his family have suffered.

i'd like to thank my parents for their unwavering love and the way they pushed me to get the help i needed, especially when i thought i didn't need it.

besides my father, i had another father looking after me and helping me. my father in heaven. over and over again, when i was in the depths of despair, on the brink of suicide, feeling hopeless and the pain was too great to bear, my God was there to bolster me up. had i not had a father here on earth to love and support me i still would have had a literal father to give me the help i needed.

you have all heard this rhyme:

humpty dumpty sat on a wall,
humpty dumpty had a great fall;
all the king's horses
and all the king's men
couldn't put humpty together again.

but the beautiful things is that the king can, and the king will, put me back together again.

father's day is a wonderful holiday for me. it is a celebration of the wonderful father i had growing up, who sacrificed so much for me and my siblings. it is a celebration of the fantastic husband i have, of what an amazing father he is to our son (and soon to be daughter). it is a celebration of my father in heaven, of his unconditional love and understanding.

i hope that all of you, whether you enjoy father's day or not, will always remember that no matter what happens, no matter what has happened, i believe that you always have a father there to love you and be your rock.

upcoming june edition of the blog carnival against child abuse

i can't tell you all how excited i am to be hosting june's edition of the blog against child abuse. for those of you who don't know what it is, a blog carnival is a type of blog event. it is similar to an online magazine, in that it is dedicated to a particular topic (in this case child abuse prevention and awareness). the blog carnival against child abuse is published monthly. each edition of the blog carnival is in the form of a blog article that contains permalinks to other blog articles on the topic. each edition is hosted on a different blog every month, and in june it is my turn to host it.

the theme for june's carnival coincides with father's day. many child abuse survivors have strong emotions tied to their parents. often times fathers and parents are the perpetrators in abusive situations. for a lot of survivors, father's day is a difficult day--sometimes worse than mother's day. on the other hand, sometimes in the case of children who have been abused parents can be a huge support. i look forward to reading submissions that are along this theme of fathers and parents in general.

in addition to the monthly theme there are several categories that are standard that we love to get submissions from. these are:
Advocacy & Awareness
Aftermath
Healing & Therapy
In the News
Poetry
Survivor Stories

you are more than welcome to submit a new post that goes along with the monthly theme or any of the categories. you are also more than welcome to submit an older post that you would like to share. the more submissions, the better!

to submit a post, go to the submission form. the blog carnival will post on friday, june 19th. the deadline for submissions is wednesday, june 17th. this gives you a few weeks to be thinking about what you would like to share.

i'd like to thank marj over at survivors can thrive for giving me the opportunity to participate by hosting this edition. if you'd like to see some of the past carnivals for some great reading and ideas, you can check out may's edition on her blog.

thank you in advance for your participation!

may blog carnival against child abuse

the new blog carnival against child abuse is up! i don't have a submission for this month but there are some great ones to read. this month's theme is in harmony with memorial day---remembering the veterans of child abuse. check it out over at survivors can thrive.

A Willingness to Learn From Pain

The following quote is from Anne Morrow Lindbergh, the wife of pilot Charles Lindbergh. Their baby was kidnapped, which eventually resulted in the child's death. In looking back on her life, Mrs. Lindbergh wrote:

"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable." (Time, 5 Feb. 1973)

Alma and Amulek had the power to bring down punishment upon the wicked men who killed the believers of the word of God. But Alma would not use his power in that manner. He explained that God permits the righteous to suffer for a purpose. (See Alma 14:11)

Spencer W. Kimball said:

"Now, we find many people critical when a righteous person is killed, a young father or mother is taken from a family, or when violent deaths occur. Some become bitter when oft-repeated prayers seem unanswered. Some lose faith and turn sour when solemn administrations by holy men seem to be ignored and no restoration seems to come from repeated prayer circles. But if all the sick were healed, if all the righteous were protected and the wicked destroyed, the whole program of the Father would be annulled and the basic principle of the gospel, agency, would be ended.

"If pain and sorrow and total punishment immediately followed the doing of evil, no woul would repeat a misdeed. If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil--all would do good and not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency, no Satanic controls.

"Should all prayers be immediately answered accordning to our selfish desires and our limited understanding, then there would be little or no suffering, soorow, disappointment, or even death; and if these were not, there would also be an absence of joy, success, resurrection, eternal life, and godhood.

"We knew before we were born that we were coming to earth for bodies and experience and that we would have joys and sorrows, ease and pain, comforts and hardships, health and sickenss, successes and disappointments, and we knew also that after a period of life we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with a glad heart, eager to accept both the favorable and unfavorable. We eagerly accepted the chance to come earthward even though it might be for only a day or a year. Perhaps we were not so much concerned whether we would die of disease, of accident, or of senility. We were willing to take life as it came and as we might organize and control unreasonable demands."

(See Faith Precedes the Miracle, p. 106 and The Improvement Era, March 1966, pages 180, 210.)

Like Mrs. Lindbergh said, everyone suffers. How we respond to that suffering dictates who we become. Our lives can become like a tragic play, or we can choose to learn and grow, instead of becoming bitter and unhappy. Of course we will have ups and downs. Of course we will suffer, we will be depressed, angry, and resentful. But we must not allow that to consume us, and we must work hard to turn our sorrows to joys.

Throughout my life I have known a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, anger, and frustration. I have also known some joy. I believe that much of the joy that I have experienced has come as a direct result of the pain I have endured. Who I am today and who I will become is so deeply attached to my suffering that there is no way to separate them. My understanding of people, my ability to empathize with another human being without judgment comes completely from the hard times in my life. Every day is a struggle to turn pain to joy, but it is possible to do so. I just have to remember that I knew before my birth the pain I would encounter, but I knew without a doubt that the benefits outweighed the negatives and was eager to endure the pain.

"If Thou Endure It Well"

The following article is by Elder Marvin J. Ashton.

When tragedy, disappointment, and heartache surface in our lives, it is not unusual for many of us to become self-condemning and resentful. In the stress of the situation we declare, "What have we done to deserve this? Why does the Lord allow this to happen to us?"

Sometimes we spend so much time trying to determine what we did wrong in the past to deserve the unpleasant happenings of the moment that we fail to resolve the challenges of the present. Og Mansion wrote in his book The Greatest Miracle in the World, "If we lock ourselves in a prison of failure and self-pity, we are the only jailers...we have the only key to our freedom."

We can let ourselves out of such a prison by turning to the Lord for strength. With His help we can use our trials as stepping-stones. The keys are in our hands.

"I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." (D&C 82:10)

If we are offended and resentful, can we believe that He is bound to help us in our tragedies and disappointments? The scripture does not tell us how or when this commitment will be effective or realized, but His promise is real and binding. Our challenge is to endure. There will always be testing and trials along life's paths. Heartaches and tragedies need not defeat us if we remember God's promise.

A worthwhile attitude for all of us could well be, "Help us, O Lord, to remember thy love for us and help us to be fortifid by thy strength when our eyes are blurred with tears of sorrow and our vision is limited."

It is expedient for all of us, particularly those who may be weighed down by grief because of acts of misconduct or misfortune, to recall that even the Prophet Joseph Smith had hours of despair because of his very trying experiences in the Liberty Jail. Perhaps he too was entitled to question, "What did I do wrong? What have I done to displease thee, O Lord? Where have I failed? Why are the answers to my prayers and please withheld?" In response to the feelings of his heart and mind he cried out: "O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" (D&C 121:1)

The Lord responded to him, as He does to each of us: "My son, peace be unto thy soul: thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." (D&C 121:7-8)

the make a difference award

this is an award i have decided to create. there are so many blogs out there that i think truly make a difference--bloggers who use their personal experiences to boost others up. those who spread awareness by sharing their stories.

i'm not going to make any "rules" for this award. i think this is an award that should be passed on to as few or as many blogs that have made a difference in your life. even if it's a small difference. even if i haven't awarded it to you, feel free to take it and pass it on.

i would like to give this award to a few of my fellow survivors of child abuse--those bloggers whose blogs constantly inspire me and help me to know that i am not alone.

marj aka thriver at survivors can thrive

grace at grace uncensored

mile 191 at come into my closet

enola

mike at child abuse survivor

cassandra at determined to overcome and heal

sapphire dreams at hush puppy don't say finding me

ethereal highway

so thank you for your inspiring thoughts and journeys....i appreciate your courage in sharing your experiences!

Turning Darkness Into Light

In what ways can I use what I have learned from my abuse to help myself grow and to serve others?

Sometimes the Lord calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.

We have all heard popular sayings like this, designed to encourage us and push us forward.

A piece of coal must go through thousands of years of heat and pressure before it becomes a diamond.

A beautiful pearl is the result of irritation and pain caused by a single grain of sand.

As survivors we often feel that we have had all the heat, pressure, irritation and pain we can possibly handle! But, if we allow ourselves to look back at all the things we've learned, the wonderful people we've met, our increase in compassion and understanding, and our slowness to judge those around us, hopefully we can honestly say that we are grateful for what we have gained. We must learn to turn the darkness of the past into light.

As we struggle to make something good out of that which is so wrong and ugly, we can find hope and peace in the following scripture:

"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." (D&C 121:7-8)

Opening Volumes of Happiness

I think I may have shared this quote before, but I think it is so important that I need to share it again. Read it over and over, and really think about what he is saying to you.

"If you feel there is only a thin thread of hope, believe me, it is not a thread. It can be the unbreakable connecting link to the Lord which puts a life preserver around you. He will heal you as you cease to fear and place your trust in him by striving to live his teachings.

"Please, don't suffer more. Ask now for the Lord to help you. Decide now to talk to your bishop. Don't view all that you experience in life through lenses darkened by the scars of abuse. There is so much in life that is beautiful. Open the windows of your heart and let the love of the Savior in. And should ugly thoughts of past abuse come back, remember his love and his healing power. Your depression will be converted to peace and assurance. You will close an ugly chapter and open volumes of happiness."

Elder Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 1992

Let It End With Me

This article, in the September 2001 Ensign, is from a woman who grew up in an abusive home. Her name has been withheld.

After an abusive upbringing, I was determined to stop the cycle of humiliation and violence.

When I was a child, our home was a battleground, rarely safe, rarely peaceful. Our family's daily interpersonal communication consisted mostly of ridicule, sarcasm, and criticism. Approval and warm feelings for each other were nonexistent, as were words of courtesy and apology. We did not listen or have discussions. Instead, we became proficient in arguing, fighting, name-calling, accusing, and faultfinding.

Looking back, I see that our family appeared healthy on the outside. Our parents served in Church callings, and we children were well behaved and knowledgeable. The rest of the world saw accomplished scholars, talented musicians, and capable artists. They did not know that each of us felt isolated and worthless. They could not see the shame and embarrassment our parents felt because we were not perfect. I never even considered telling anyone about our treatment at home, even when my mother dislocated my jaw by hitting me.

In our home, family prayers, family home evenings, and Church activity coexisted with physical violence and emotional battering. Upon arriving home from church, it was common for everyone from oldest to youngest to receive a sound thrashing. How could a family live such a paradox?

Despite my difficult upbringing, I had a testimony and made it my goal to rear a righteous family in the gospel. As a young wife and mother, I diligently did everything I knew to reach my goal, but it was difficult. Something was missing. I often found myself feeling impatient and critical toward my husband and children. It seemed I could never remember in time to stop my harsh words or refrain from striking a child. I felt guilty and unhappy with myself.

As my married life continued, I increasingly sought out positive influences. My sweet, patient mother-in-law became my role model, and I tried hard to emulate her. I read the scriptures daily, and, as I became more acquainted with them, my desire to be like the Savior grew stronger. Occasionally, I would experience the sweet feelings of the Holy Spirit. I yearned to feel its influence constantly, but I couldn't. The contrast between being with and being without the Spirit became more obvious to me.

One Sunday in Relief Society, the lesson was about becoming more Christ like. My desire to become better had become intense. When our teacher gave us personal questionnaires designed to get us thinking about how we could become more Christ like, I took it home, determined to complete it. The first two columns were easy to fill out -- a list of things I wanted to change in myself and then a list of specific courses of action to make those changes. But when I tried to tackle the last column, the struggle began. I had to list my strengths and good points, and I honestly could not think of any. Tears flowed and frustration mounted as guilt surrounded me. I prayed urgently for help, and finally I talked to my husband. He reminded me of some of my strengths, but I could hardly hear his encouraging words as the battle raged inside me. Conflicts about myself tormented me. It was several days before I could face that handout again. Yet in spite of my insecurities and fears, I was determined to be open and honest, no matter how much it hurt. As I struggled to think of my strengths, the realization that I was Heavenly Father's child suddenly surfaced and calmed my pain and tears. I realized that as a child of God I must have inherited some positive characteristics from Him. My pencil began to haltingly fill out that final column, and with the Lord's help I finished it. It was a major victory for me!

As the years unfolded, my husband was my guide as he constantly encouraged, taught, and loved me. We worked together to create order and promote harmony in our home. I was a willing but slow student because many of the gospel's teachings were foreign to my experience. For example, I had to learn to recognize and accept kindness before I could become kind inside. In the scriptures I read that "the Lord God hath given a commandment that ll men should have charity, which charity is love. And except they should have charity they were nothing" (2 Ne. 26:30). As I thought about having the pure love of Christ in my heart and life, I realized that obtaining charity is a journey and that I was finally, consciously, embarking upon it.

I believe that my desire to be obedient to the Lord was one of my greatest gifts as I went through my soul-wrenching changes. Though my understanding was limited at first, I feel like I was blessed simply because I was trying so hard. It seemed that as soon as I learned one lesson, other lessons came as quickly as I could handle them. I knew I couldn't do it myself and humbly admitted that to the Lord and begged for His help. He tender mercies showered me. Help came in unexpected ways, and I began to recognize the Lord's hand in all things. Hungrily I partook of the scriptures, books, tapes, lectures, classes, and anything else I could find that gave me positive information and assistance. When I went for some professional therapy, I made some major behavioral leaps.

Gradually I was able to replace old attitude and habits. I began to love myself. Peace came even through my struggles. Slowly, as I became more loving and gentle, I could feel everyone in our home following my example. As my self-control has improved, I find that I am enjoying being a mother and feeling the Holy Spirit in our home.

It feels marvelous to know that one of the blessings of my repentance, and of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, is to have a home that is safe and peaceful. And now as a parent, I can say that our home is not a battleground.

Cornnut is an art lover and an advocate for child abuse prevention.
She loves being a wife and a mother. Check out her personal blog, Picture of Experience .

Becoming Whole Through Repentance

As a victim healing from abuse, what role can repentance play in the healing process? Have I taken the steps needed to repent of wrongs and sins in my life?

"Repentance involves recognition of our imperfections, remorse for having strayed, restitution where appropriate, and resolve that the transgression will never be repeated." Royden Derrick, Ensign, May 1989

In the process of healing we often turn our thoughts to those who have wronged and hurt us. It is easy to pint our finger in blame towards those who sin against us, yet we sometimes fail to recognize our own faults and misdeeds.

The healing process requires that we not only forgive others, but that we also take a careful moral inventory of ourselves. When we see a need to repent, we must take the necessary action to correct our mistakes. If left unchecked our sins will grow and become bitter pains in our thoughts and in our hearts. "Sin is like cancer in the body. It will never heal itself. It will become progressively worse unless cured through the medicine of repentance. You can be made completely whole, new, purified, and clean every whit, through the miracle of repentance." (Richard G. Scott, Ensigh, May 1986)

In April Conference 1986, Elder Richard G. Scott said the following. "If you, through poor judgment, were to cover your shoes with mud, would you leave them that way? Of course not. You would cleanse and restore them. Would you then gather the residue of the mud and place it in an envelope to show others the mistake that you made? No. Neither should you continue to relive forgiven sin. Every time such thoughts come into your mind, turn your heart in gratitude to the Savior, who gave His life that we, through faith in Him and obedience to His teachings, can overcome transgression and conquer its depressing influence in our lives." (Ensigh, May 1986)

As abuse victims, we often have poor models for behavior growing up. We have a lot of psychological trauma that permeates every aspect of our lives. Many times we do not know how to handle certain situations appropriately, and often our thoughts and behaviors are negative toward ourselves and others. Because of the hurt we have been through, we hurt others--intentionally or not. Many abuse victims turn to drugs, alcohol, violence, and other addicting behaviors in an attempt to self-medicate the pain they deal with.

I have found that I have a number of things to work on. I have a lot of anger that stems from the abuse I endured. It is difficult to find an appropriate way to handle my hurt, anger, and frustration, and often I lash out at those I care about most. I also have the urge to run away from my problems. When I feel I cannot handle a tough situation, I want to crawl in bed and hide--or get as far away from it as possible. In the process I have hurt many people, most of all my husband, my parents, and my siblings. It is a daily struggle for me to overcome the negative habits I have learned. They are so deep-rooted within me I sometimes feel I can never change.

But like Elder Scott said, sin is like cancer. And, like the process of healing from cancer, it can be very long, frustrating, and painful. There may be relapses. But with the help of the Savior we can be made whole, and send our cancer into remission.

I know that it is possible to change. There have been many things I have learned to change over the long years of repentance. It may take a lifetime and beyond to completely remove the negative effects of abuse, but it is possible.

the touch of the Master's hand

it was battered and scarred and the auctioneer

thought it scarcely worth his while

to waste much time on the old violin,

but held it up with a smile;

"what am i bid good folks?" he cried,

"who'll start the bidding for me?

a dollar, a dollar, then two! only two?

two dollars and who'll make it three?"

"three dollars once and three dollars twice.

going for three..." but no,

from the room far back, a gray-haired man

came forward and picked up the bow;

then wiping the dust from the old violin

and tightening the loose strings,

he played a melody pure and sweet

as a caroling angel sings.

the music ceased, and the auctioneer,

with a sad voice that was quiet and low,

said, "what am i bid for the old violin?"

and he held it up with the bow.

"a thousand dollars, and who'll make it two?

two thousand and who'll make it three?

three thousand once and three thousand twice

and going, and gone," said he.

the people cheered, but some of them said,

"we do not quite understand.

what changed its worth?" quick came the reply,

"'twas the touch of the Master's Hand."

and many a man with life out of tune

and battered and scarred with sin,

is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd,

much like the old violin.

a mess of pottage, a glass of wine,

a game and he travels on.

he's going once and going twice,

he's going and almost gone.

but the Master comes and the foolish crowd

never can quite understand

the worth of a soul and the change that's wrought

by the touch of the Master's hand.

although this poem refers to a man whose life is battered by sin, it speaks to me of my life, battered by abuse. the Master, just as he helps the sinner find his worth, helps those whose worth has been hidden in the tragedy of abuse find theirs as well.

since the announcement of the theme "rebirth and renewal" was made for april's blog carnival against child abuse i have been thinking about it a lot. what does rebirth and renewal mean to me, and how does it apply to my past abuse?

over the course of my childhood i lost sight of who i was. i was angry and i didn't know why. i had no self-esteem and little confidence in myself and my abilities. i was depressed and unable to deal with everyday problems. i began going to counseling at thirteen, which helped some. as i progressed through junior high and high school, i began to see more glimpses of who i really am underneath the pain and anger. but i am still unable to grasp at that knowledge all of the time--in fact, it seems, i rarely am able to see myself for who i really am, who i was before the abuse.

i have had a number of "rebirths" throughout my life and i am sure that i have many more ahead of me. there is one, however, that i am looking forward to with both anticipation and apprehension. a few months ago i spent a week working on myself, working on bringing myself to a point to be ready to confront my past and push myself into the future. while on this difficult and painful journey, with the help of a counselor, i made a decision.

the only way for me to truly be able to move on and let the past be is to tell my abuser what he has done to me.

this statement sends chills of fear and excitement running down my spine. i have a knot in my chest and terrifying images enter my head. i relive nightmares of him laughing at me, throwing it back in my face, victimizing me all over again. and yet there is a part of me that is larger than it has ever been that is determined to tell him exactly what he has done to me, and to my life. a part of me that will demand an apology, that will stand up for myself and dump all of my crap on him--and never look back. that would truly be a rebirth for me.

i have found that no matter what steps i take toward a renewal of the knowledge of who i am, i always fall short--unless i have help. unless i allow myself to be like the old violin, unless i let the Master wipe away the dust of pain and guilt and hurt, to tighten my loose strings, to use His love to play the notes of peace and joy in my soul. just as i am working toward this major step in my healing, i know that i will never make it without His love, His understanding, and His strength bolstering me up. as i think about His love, and His sacrifice for me, the knot in my chest slowly eases, the anxiety i feel slowly ebbs away, and is replaced with peace and a calm assurance that i can do this. my tears of fear and hurt turn to tears of joy and gratitude. i CAN overcome my fears. i CAN put the past behind me and move forward with determination, with confidence, with hope for the future instead of dread.

and the crowd may never understand. in fact, i may never understand what changed within me. but the worth of my soul, as a child of God, will shine through the pain, and the change in my heart will show through the hurt, all because of the touch of the Master's hand.

I Have A Question: Forgiveness and Contact with Your Abuser

originally posted at modern molly mormon

The following article hits home with me, as my abuser is a member of my family: my uncle. Many abusers are family members, close ones: brothers, fathers, mothers, grandfathers. It can be extremely difficult to heal and figure out if interacting with your abuser will cause more problems. It is possible to forgive and choose to stay away from your abuser completely. Sometimes that is the best way to protect yourself emotionally. Some people are able to be around their abuser. I have chosen to stay away from mine completely, at least for now. There is nothing wrong with this. I can still work toward forgiving him without being around him.

Question: Am I in error to avoid all contact with a family member who has seriously wronged me and continues to emotionally abuse me? I harbor no bitterness toward this person, yet my spouse wonders if I am nevertheless being unforgiving.

By Maxine Murdock, “I Have a Question,” Ensign, June 1994, 60–61 Maxine Murdock, retired member of the Brigham Young University Psychology Department.

Emotional abuse and mistreatment that occur over an extended period of time can be devastating. Those so wronged have the right and responsibility to protect themselves.

If a perpetrator is not a family member, avoiding all contact might be easy. But terminating contact with an abusive family member is difficult, particularly for Latter-day Saints, because of the emphasis we place on the importance of family ties. Nevertheless, victims of abuse must protect themselves from family members and others who freely choose to mistreat them.

Avoiding contact, for a while at least, may sometimes be the only way to achieve that end. When the time is right and if a perpetrator has repented and abandoned abusive behavior, minimal contact might be initiated, perhaps through cards or letters on holidays. Later, a phone call might be appropriate. It may help to make such contact impersonal at first. When renewing personal visits, those who have been wronged should consider doing so in group situations that provide a safe atmosphere and an opportunity to gauge the offender’s behavior and reaction toward renewed contact.

Visits should be brief at first. One of the best ways to determine how, when, and whether to proceed is to appeal for heavenly help through prayer. Those who have been abused, not their well-meaning friends or relatives, must determine when to reinitiate contact.

The ability to discard bitterness is a big step toward reconciliation and forgiveness. Many individuals who have been abused express frustration over their inability to grant forgiveness. The offended often receive great pressure from others to forgive their offender. They are told, “You can’t heal until you forgive.”

Forgiveness is a personal and often lengthy process. Condemning those who have difficulty forgiving places an additional burden on them. Sometimes, under pressure, they will say, “Yes, I forgive,” while deep inside, the hurt not only remains but is compounded by guilt because they do not really believe their own words. On the other hand, those who have been abused should remember that forgiveness is a gospel principle that eventually brings peace of mind. Forgiveness is not only possible but is an essential part of healing, though in some cases it may take years to forgive. “You cannot erase what has been done, but you can forgive,” said Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve. “Forgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds, for it allows the love of God to purge your heart and mind of the poison of hate. It cleanses your consciousness of the desire for revenge. It makes place for the purifying, healing, restoring love of the Lord” (Ensign, May 1992, p. 33).

The Savior said, “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven” (Matt. 5:44–45). Although we do not have the same degree of knowledge that the Lord has, we do have his counsel. While he will forgive whom he will forgive, it is required of us, no matter how arduous the task, “to forgive all men” (D&C 64:10).

Small offenses may be fairly easy to forgive—especially those resulting from accidents, carelessness, or insensitivity. But offenses that are long lasting or that cause deep wounds to the soul are much more difficult to forgive, particularly when an offender does not care, feel sorry, apologize, or even recognize the offense.

Elder Scott further taught, “Forgiveness … can be hard to understand, even more difficult to give. Begin by withholding judgment. … Leave the handling of aggressors to others. As you experience an easing of your own pain, full forgiveness will come more easily” (Ensign, May 1992, pp. 32–33).

True forgiveness often develops slowly, a little at a time, perhaps even unconsciously at first. No one can predict how long it should take to forgive. As friends, family, priesthood leaders, or professional helpers, we must be patient with those seeking to forgive. Few of us can see or feel the invisible wounds they have suffered.

Forgiveness does not require acceptance of abuse or acceptance of an abusive person. But when hurt has healed, when victims have realized that the abuse is not something they caused or deserved, when they have tried sincerely to understand the offender, and when they have prayed for charity and spiritual guidance, then peace of mind and true forgiveness will come.