shine in the darkness

so i'm doing something monumentally crazy.

i am putting every (well, almost every) blog post i've ever written plus all the comments i've received in a word document.

that's 4 1/2 years of blog posts.  eek!

granted, the last two or so of those years i haven't posted much.  but still--that's a lot of word document editing!

why, you ask?

well, because i can't afford to have one of those awesome hard-bound books printed that you can order online.  so instead i'll have my inkjet printer and copy paper.  but you know what?  it works.

as i've been going back and copy/pasting all of my posts and comments, i'm amazed at how much i've changed.  when i first started blogging, buddy was only 9 months old.  now he's five, and i have a second child--princess, who is 3.  i've moved four times, once across the country.  i've been to who knows how many therapists, been on and off who knows how many medications.

the biggest change of all?  how i FEEL.

sure, i still struggle with depression occasionally.  but, it's OCCASIONALLY now, not every day.  i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on medication that actually works.  i saw a therapist that really helped.  My PTSD combined with the bipolar nearly ended my life--and now pretty much every symptom of PTSD is gone.  there are still some, and it still pops up unexpectedly, but it no longer rules my life.

i forgave my abuser.

i moved on.

my marriage is stronger, i think.  i'm more mature.  i graduated college with a 2-year degree--a huge accomplishment for me.  i can look at the world with eyes less jaded by mental illness and the lingering effects of abuse.

so what's the same?

i still struggle with self-esteem.  i still worry that i'm a horrible mom, that i'm screwing my kids up.  i still loathe the laundry and my house is rarely clean--and when it is, it's usually because hubby cleaned it.

i'm still a mother.  i still am IN LOVE with being a mother.  it's hard, and as my kids get older my role evolves.  but when i hold my now three year old baby girl in the middle of the night, and run my fingers through her hair, and dry her tears--i am filled with so much love i feel as if i might burst with it.

i'm still an artist, maybe even more so--because i try harder to make more time for it.  my little art journal is great.  it doesn't take a long time to get supplies ready, or for paint to dry, or to clean up--because let's face it, sharpies pretty much rock.

i still have a mental illness.  medication is miraculous, but it's still something that i'm learning about and overcoming.  so any of you out there who are in the boat i was in a few years ago, have hope.  look at how far i've come!  i know you can do it, too.

so cry, if you need to.  throw a pillow at the wall.  scream at the top of your lungs.  write pages and pages in your journal about how hard life is.  i did it.  but also know that there's someone out there who cares about what you're going through.  i do!  maybe i don't know you, maybe i never will.  but there is one thing about me that i hope never changes: i love everyone, people i have never met, people i haven't.  it takes a lot for me to dislike someone, and even more for me to hate someone.  and i truly care about people and their lives.

so when it gets hard, just tell yourself--"cornnut loves me.  she did it, so can i."

and remember this very cliche statement--"stars can't shine without darkness."  so even if your light is dim right now, it can get brighter.  just keep shining!

i wonder if any of my friends that commented on my blog so regularly are still out there, maybe reading.  so many women who supported me when i was at my lowest.  so if you're out there, i'd love to hear from you again.  thanks for pushing me through when i needed it.

i would like a definitive answer, please

my life has been so full of ups and downs lately i just don't know what to do here. tuesday i saw a new doctor. my new EMDR therapist referred me to her for med management and also to have labs done, because she suspected i might have a hormone imbalance that is interfering with my treatment. she also said that she doesn't really think i'm bipolar, that it's more of a symptom than a diagnosis. besides, my regular med doc moved (which i'm bummed about because i really liked her) so i needed a new one anyway.

well i sat down and within about ten minutes of me giving her my medical history and background she told me i made it really easy for her--that it was obvious i had a major hormone imbalance. she thinks that all of my mood swings, migraines, exhaustion, the problems i have with pregnancy, issues with meds that don't work, etc. is all because i have too much estrogen and not enough progesterone. obviously she can't be 100% sure because i haven't had the labs done yet. so i'm getting the labs done and hopefully we'll have some better answers. i really liked her and she definitely seemed like she knew what she was talking about. she told me she's pretty much positive that i'm not bipolar. argh. am i, or aren't i?

tomorrow i have my second appointment with my EMDR therapist. i'm looking forward to it. the EMDR we did last time helped and hasn't "worn off" as i was kind of concerned that it would. she has me reading this book called "the ultramind solution" that talks about how our bodies affect mental disorders. it's really interesting. the doctor that wrote it says that systemic issues such as hormone imbalances, food allergies (especially things like gluten) and poor nutrition, toxic environments, brain inflammation, stress, lack of energy and poor digestion can call work together to give us "broken brains." his theory is that when you take out the bad stuff and add the good to your body as a whole it will improve and sometimes get rid of things like depression, bipolar disorder, autism, alzheimers, ADHD, memory problems, etc. i'm only a little bit into it but so far i've learned quite a bit about my body's interaction with my brain. so we'll see if it's really something that will help or not...it seems a little gimmicky but it's worth a try, right?

so i'm really kind of frustrated. am i bipolar? am i just crazy? why is it that no one seems to know what is really going on with me? is it really just something as simple as a hormone imbalance that should have been treated YEARS ago? it it because i eat a lot of gluten? i have a whole ton of questions and no one knows any answers. i know i'm really annoyed with this, though.

i'm afraid of the dark

this thing called bipolar disorder really sucks.

i guess i never really paid a whole lot of attention to my mood swings prior to the diagnosis. but it's been obvious the past couple of weeks--and this last week i had a very obvious hypomanic phase.

hypomanic phases (from what i understand) suck worse than manic phases in the sense that you don't really get that high. i felt pretty good but it wasn't anything fantastic, it was more anxiety. i had this weird agitation going on in my chest that felt like i was going to explode at any second...like in the alien movies. seriously. i couldn't sit still, and at one point i was shaking so bad i couldn't even fold the laundry. plus side, i cleaned my house. but i was so incapable of dealing with emotion that even the smallest argument with hubby led to me freaking out and running away yet again.

i hate losing control. i HATE it. i'm tired of not being in control of myself. like i can sit back and watch myself lose control of my thoughts, emotions and even physical reaction, while the sane part of me wants so desperately to stop it, but can't. the real me is just helpless, reaching out to restrain the disorder but it always slips through my fingers, just out of reach, and i want to scream out in frustration. i cause the people i love most so much pain, frustration, confusion and anger...and all because i love them. sounds twisted, right? it's the truth. i love them so much i think they deserve better than me so i push them away. i love them so much they are the ones capable of hurting me the worst, so i push them away before they have the chance to.

it really sucks.

at least i have the love and support of my husband. i'd be totally lost, and probably dead, without him. he's helping me get the therapy i need. i'm still seeing my therapist, i have a good med doc, and tomorrow i will be seeing a new therapist to start EMDR. i am also officially going to group therapy, a group for women. it's dialectical behavior therapy and will help me to learn new skills to change my thinking and behavior patterns that cause misery and suffering to myself and those around me. we learn new skills that help with mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotion regulation. these are all things i need MAJOR help with.

so...on i go into the journey of life with bipolar disorder. off into the darkness, the scary unknown, with very little--my husband holding my hand, my therapy "team" guiding me, my friends and family cheering me on. small glimpses of positive. hopefully the darkness will begin to lessen soon, because i'm afraid of the dark.

update

things have been bad lately. with the PTSD. with my depression. and now i've been diagnosed with bipolar II. i'm on new meds, which has been a pretty difficult adjustment. i've had some issues with my parents right in the middle of this which makes things so much harder. i am so glad that i have my husband, who is so supportive and loving. i don't know what i'd do without him. and my siblings, and my in-laws, who have also been so supportive. my parents try, i know they do, but it just doesn't work out. thanks for all the support you all have given me, as well.

my therapist thinks that i was pushing myself too hard in therapy, too fast, and it just got too much to handle. she's got me backing off the workbook for a bit and she wants me to see a therapist who does EMDR. she thinks that will help get rid of a lot of the traumatic feelings i still have associated with the abuse so that i can move forward. anyone have good experiences with that?

anyway. i've got to stop dwelling on this right now. so expect a stupid frivolous post coming up next.

the mother i want to be

i scrapbooked last night. while i couldn't sleep. i did some pictures from last april and may. i was amazed at how much little buddy has changed. he has grown up so fast. i feel as if i'm missing it, when he is right before my eyes.

will i remember exactly what it is like? will i remember his little wave, and the way he is when i walk into his room in the morning? will i remember the way he climbs on me to give me hugs when i'm sitting on the floor? will i remember how he pulls the laundry out of the basket or how he tries to chew on my cell phone? will i remember that little face he makes at me, when his eyebrows go up?

i am looking forward to his getting older. i'm excited for the day he tells me he loves me. i'm excited for him to be able to feed himself and dress himself. i can't wait to be that proud mamma at the school christmas program. i'm excited to see who he will become as he grows up.

how will he remember me? when he is an adult, how will he look back at his childhood? will he remember a mom who is a total basketcase (which i am), whose behavior is completely erratic, who loved him but wasn't capable of taking care of him the way he needed? will he remember a mother who was there for him, emotionally and physically, who made sure he had everything he needed, who loved him and taught him well?

when i look back on my own childhood, it was a mess most of the time. my mother, whom i love, is bipolar. she wasn't diagnosed with bipolar disorder until i was 17, but she suffered from it for years. her behavior was extremely unpredictable. her mood swings nearly unbearable. i know my mother loved me. but she could not provide the support i needed sometimes, because she was emotionally incapable of doing so, not because she didn't want to.

last night i was talking to my mom. i haven't told her anything about my recent struggles with depression or my flashbacks. but she could tell. twice she asked me if i was ok, both times i told her i was fine. then the third time she said, "are you sure you're okay? you sound really down." so i told her. i told her i've been having nightmares, and flashbacks, and struggling with depression. i told her i was going back to counseling. (tomorrow, by the way.) and instead of the reaction i thought i would get, that i've gotten so many times (we have provided every opportunity for you to get help and you just don't seem to want to work at it. now you are going back to counseling and you should have taken advantage of it when you were at home with us), i was shocked. do you know what she said to me? "i'm so glad you're going back to counseling. and please know that i am here for you. if you ever need to talk, you can always call me, no matter what time." she said that twice.

i am so glad my relationship with my mother is better now that i am an adult. but it saddens me that we didn't have that when i was growing up. not all of it was because of her mental illness. part of it was mine, too. my depression, my anger after being abused, and the fact that i didn't want to understand her issues. she has come a long way since i was a kid. she is still off the wall a lot, she complains (and yells) almost all the time. but at least she tries so hard to be understanding and supportive.

my greatest fear is (and has been for a long time) that my kids will think about me the way i thought about my mother when i was a kid. when i was little i was terrified of her. when i was a teenager, i hated her. (most kids hate their parents, i get that. but i'm pretty sure my issues went further than most.) even after i grew up and moved out, i couldn't stand her. my friends know how crazy she can be. most of them were scared of her, too, i think. so will i be like that? will my mental illness interfere with my ability to be a good mother all of the time?

i'm so proud of my mom for everything she has done to change. i'm proud of her for continuing to work on it in her own way, even though she can be difficult to be around sometimes. i'm grateful for all of the good things she has taught me. she taught me a lot of good things, mixed in with the bad. i know she did her best now, now that i am a mother, now that i am dealing with some of the same issues she has.

i hope that i can overcome this. i hope that i will be able to find the resources to fix myself. that i will find the strength to do so, and the desire to keep it up even when it's hard. i hope that i can be a better wife and a better mother. i hope that my son will not remember a mother who is depressed all the time. i hope that he will remember the good things i did for him, the way i loved him with everything i had. i hope we can have a positive relationship throughout his entire life, not just when he's an adult.