i myself am made of flaws

 one of the things my art journal has allowed me to do is reflect on myself in a different way.  in a regular journal, of which i have stacks and stacks of, i mostly write about what i did, where i went, and how i feel about it.  or i write pages and pages about how depressed i am.  in my art journal, it's a different story--it's a story of me.  i'm sure someone who read my journals would know a part of me, someone who looked at my art journal would probably understand me better.

and i've begun to understand myself better, too.

in high school i did a lot of self-portraits.  mostly reflections on the inner turmoil i was dealing with--undiagnosed bipolar disorder, depression, PTSD, self-loathing and normal teenage angst, all wrapped up into one enormous dysfunctional 17-year-old.  now that i am an adult, on appropriate medication, have moved on from the abuse and generally less dysfunctional, it is interesting to me to see the different way i am portraying myself.  there are a lot more words, and a lot more colors involved.

so who am i, really?  a wife, a mother, a woman, an artist.  these are all labels, all things i do--important things.  but what's underneath that?

i'm a person, i struggle with self-esteem.  i don't really like the way i look.  i think i'm witty sometimes, and i can be funny.  i'm smart.  i have artistic talent, which i am trying to hone.  i am a creative person, and i'm outgoing.  i love people.  i'm generally an optimist, when i'm not struggling with mental illness.

so the thing is....i'm made up of a lot of things.  genetics.  experiences.  what i've seen, heard, and felt.  what i believe.  my convictions, ethics, and values.  i change, i adapt, i learn, i grow.  i'm not perfect, but i want to be better than i was, and better than i am.  tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...i will be different--but deep down, still the same person.

i, myself, am made of flaws.  stitched together with good intentions.

shine in the darkness

so i'm doing something monumentally crazy.

i am putting every (well, almost every) blog post i've ever written plus all the comments i've received in a word document.

that's 4 1/2 years of blog posts.  eek!

granted, the last two or so of those years i haven't posted much.  but still--that's a lot of word document editing!

why, you ask?

well, because i can't afford to have one of those awesome hard-bound books printed that you can order online.  so instead i'll have my inkjet printer and copy paper.  but you know what?  it works.

as i've been going back and copy/pasting all of my posts and comments, i'm amazed at how much i've changed.  when i first started blogging, buddy was only 9 months old.  now he's five, and i have a second child--princess, who is 3.  i've moved four times, once across the country.  i've been to who knows how many therapists, been on and off who knows how many medications.

the biggest change of all?  how i FEEL.

sure, i still struggle with depression occasionally.  but, it's OCCASIONALLY now, not every day.  i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on medication that actually works.  i saw a therapist that really helped.  My PTSD combined with the bipolar nearly ended my life--and now pretty much every symptom of PTSD is gone.  there are still some, and it still pops up unexpectedly, but it no longer rules my life.

i forgave my abuser.

i moved on.

my marriage is stronger, i think.  i'm more mature.  i graduated college with a 2-year degree--a huge accomplishment for me.  i can look at the world with eyes less jaded by mental illness and the lingering effects of abuse.

so what's the same?

i still struggle with self-esteem.  i still worry that i'm a horrible mom, that i'm screwing my kids up.  i still loathe the laundry and my house is rarely clean--and when it is, it's usually because hubby cleaned it.

i'm still a mother.  i still am IN LOVE with being a mother.  it's hard, and as my kids get older my role evolves.  but when i hold my now three year old baby girl in the middle of the night, and run my fingers through her hair, and dry her tears--i am filled with so much love i feel as if i might burst with it.

i'm still an artist, maybe even more so--because i try harder to make more time for it.  my little art journal is great.  it doesn't take a long time to get supplies ready, or for paint to dry, or to clean up--because let's face it, sharpies pretty much rock.

i still have a mental illness.  medication is miraculous, but it's still something that i'm learning about and overcoming.  so any of you out there who are in the boat i was in a few years ago, have hope.  look at how far i've come!  i know you can do it, too.

so cry, if you need to.  throw a pillow at the wall.  scream at the top of your lungs.  write pages and pages in your journal about how hard life is.  i did it.  but also know that there's someone out there who cares about what you're going through.  i do!  maybe i don't know you, maybe i never will.  but there is one thing about me that i hope never changes: i love everyone, people i have never met, people i haven't.  it takes a lot for me to dislike someone, and even more for me to hate someone.  and i truly care about people and their lives.

so when it gets hard, just tell yourself--"cornnut loves me.  she did it, so can i."

and remember this very cliche statement--"stars can't shine without darkness."  so even if your light is dim right now, it can get brighter.  just keep shining!

i wonder if any of my friends that commented on my blog so regularly are still out there, maybe reading.  so many women who supported me when i was at my lowest.  so if you're out there, i'd love to hear from you again.  thanks for pushing me through when i needed it.

distraction

i stole this from vanessa, who tagged her readers...and since i needed a distraction....here you go! i tag all of you, too.

1. Open your library (iTunes, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool…

Opening Credits:
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen (haha, love it....a la Wayne's World)

Waking Up:
The Lighthouse's Tale - Nickel Creek (that's depressing...even though it is a beautiful song)

First Day of School:
Excuse Me Mr. - No Doubt (appropriate for high school, i think)

Falling in Love:
360 Degrees of You (also extremely appropriate for me pre-marriage)

Fight Song:

Long Gone Lonesome Blues - Hank Williams (pretty wimpy fight song)

Prom:
Thriller - Michael Jackson (hehehe)

Life:
Get Over Yourself - SheDaisy

Breaking Up:
The Luckiest - Ben Folds (this is not a breakup song...unless you're a stalker...)

Mental Breakdown:
Strawberry Fields Forever - The Beatles (i guess i could see this)

Driving:
In Terms of Love - SheDaisy

Flashback:
La Vie Boheme - Rent Cast

Getting Back Together:
What Do I Do Now - SheDaisy (lots of shedaisy today, eh?)

Losing Your Virginity:
I'm Alive - Kenny Chesney

Wedding:
Angel - Sarah McLaughlan (one of my all time favorite songs by one of my favorite artists, but probably not a good wedding song.)

Birth of Child:
Don't Stop Me Now - Queen

Final Battle:
Revolution - The Beatles (this is a good one)

Death Scene:
Out Last Night - Kenny Chesney (must be a lighthearted death....due to a DUI or too much partying)

Funeral Song:
Imaginary - Evanescense (an angry funeral, but this is my depression music so i guess it works)

End Credits:
Absence of the Heart - Deana Carter

amazing how many kids songs i had to skip through on my itunes...you can definitely tell i've got a toddler!
okay, your turn!

survivor meme

i ran across this meme the other day at marj's blog survivors can thrive. it's an old one, from 2007, before i started blogging. but i thought it would be good to do. basically, you list 25 of your needs as a survivor and 5 wants. then you tag five more people to do it. i think this is a good exercise to do for anyone, even if you aren't an abuse survivor. after doing the meme, link back to marj's original post.

i went through and looked at a bunch of the memes that have already been done to kind of get a generally idea where i should begin. so here we go.

my needs (in no particular order):
1. i need to feel loved and cherished.
2. i need to learn to love myself.
3. i need my family, my husband and children, by my side every day.
4. i need to feel validated and understood.
5. i need to be brave.
6. i need to connect with other survivors, so i don't feel so alone.
7. i need to talk, to share my experiences with others.
8. i need my art.
9. i need to work on being a better wife.
10. i need touch, holding my husband's hand, kissing my baby's soft cheek, my son's little hand gripping my fingers.
11. i need to recognize that i will not always be understood or validated...and learn to be okay with that.
12. i need therapy, a connection with my therapist and a start to working through my issues.
13. i need cuddle time with my husband.
14. i need to feel attractive, beautiful, wanted every once in awhile.
15. i need to learn to communicate more effectively.
16. i need to feel close to my parents and siblings.
17. i need quality sleep.
18. i need my own space to be alone sometimes.
19. i need music, music to play, music to listen to, music to connect with.
20. i need to laugh more. every day.
21. i need to work toward confronting my abuser in a way that will be safe for me emotionally.
22. i need my teddy bear at night.
23. i need to be able to forgive my abuser someday, for myself, not for him.
24. i need a relationship with my Heavenly Father and with my Savior.
25. i need to use my trauma to make the world a better place, to make a difference in someone else's life.

my wants:
1. i want to teleport someday. (and say, "beam me up, scotty!" while i'm doing it.)
2. i want comfy pajamas, slippers, soft pillows and warm blankets!
3. i want a coke. i really, really want a coke....
4. i want new furniture.
5. i want to lose weight just by thinking positively.

so here we go, with tags. i'm going to tag some of you that aren't survivors, too, and if you are a survivor but don't want to write "survivor" needs, just write your needs as a person. please let me know in a comment when you've written your needs...because i would love to read them! and i'm going to tag more than five people because i cheat like that. :D

i tag:
1. jennifer at minding the gap
2. dawn-marie at SOLE
3. ali
4. susannah
5. vanessa at this is the story of a girl...
6. felicia at feliciab design
7. paula
8. jia at color me untypical
9. enola (i think you've done this before, but if you'd like to do it again feel free :) )
10. vicki at here in my world

my 99

(okay so i actually did this about three weeks ago and i'm just getting around to posting it. so i hope you all enjoy it!)
------------------------
this little meme has been going around, i thought i'd do it for fun. ;)

Things I have done are listed in BOLD (my comments in parenthesis)

1. Started your own blog (or two or three or...you get the point)

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band (i'm going to count the orchestra as a band, i played in the elementary and junior high school orchestras)

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity (if you count tithing, i've done that many times. 10% may not seem like a whole lot but sometimes it really is.)

7. Been to Disneyland/world

8. Climbed a mountain (hiking counts as climbing, right? if you mean actually climbing with harness and stuff, i will count the fake one at the rock climbing gym.)

9. Held a praying mantis (fyi, don't piss one off. if they hook you it hurts like hell. happened when i was about nine.)

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight (who hasn't? seriously?)

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping (in my own backyard)

27. Run a Marathon (i am told i am not allowed to tell my dad he is old or make fun of him for being old until i beat him in a marathon. i say i just wait until he's too old to run one and then i can say that i could beat him in a marathon, even if i walked it over the span of three or four days.)

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person (too little to remember, but i have)

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing (oh, here's the rock climbing question, so i guess hiking does count as climbing a mountain.)

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted (you know us weird artists, as students we're constantly painting each other. i have a whole bunch of drawings of fellow students, plus a million more of myself, because when you have no one else you have a mirror and your own face.)

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie (i was in a keith urban music video once, does that count? i was also an extra in an episode of touched by an angel once)

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business (we filed paperwork and paid for it, never did anything with it)

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Gotten flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy (a whole bunch of them, actually)

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper (a few times, the first time i was in third grade. then a few times in high school.)

85. Read the entire Bible

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life (i think so. i talked someone out of suicide once. actually...more than once...also pulled my sister out of the road before she got hit by a car once)

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake (bunches of times! i grew up right next to it.)

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee (last time was just before i started seventh grade, i stepped on one.)

because i am bored

it's 11 pm and i am not asleep. why? because although i'm depressed as hell (hooray for depression...NOT) my mind thinks that sleep is unnecessary. so instead of laying in bed staring at the ceiling fan and being incredibly jealous of hubby sleeping next to me i will thrill you with this fun little meme.

What is bothering you right now?
the fact that i can't sleep, and i want to. and my back. :P

What does your last received text message say?
i'm not sure because my phone is upstairs charging. probably "luvu"

When was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life?
i'm not sure

What are you doing tonight?
blogging

What was the last voicemail you received about?
dr's appointment

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
yes, a whole bunch

Do you look at the keyboard when you type?
no

Do you think your last ex deserves to die?
no

Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
i never go to sleep smiling, my face relaxes when i go to sleep

Did you have a good day yesterday?
it was okay, better than a lot of recent days

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
i married him! i talk to him daily

What is your current mood?
tired, kind of scared and apprehensive

What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
getting on the road to healing, being a better person. little buddy's first birthday!

How's your heart lately?
pumping like normal!

Will this weekend be a good one?
i hope so! looking forward to seeing some friends tomorrow and spending as much time with hubby and little buddy as i possibly can.

Who hugged you last?
hubby

What is your relationship status?
married

Look behind you, what do you see?
a wall

Any summer plans for 2009?
not so far!

How's your life lately?
scary. i don't know what's going to happen, i'm out of control and i hate that.

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
my own

Do you miss anyone?
yes. i miss myself. i hope i can get myself back again soon. i hate who i am right now.

Is there one place you'd like to visit?
florence, venice, paris (that's three but maybe if we say EUROPE it will count as one place.)

Have you held hands with anyone today?
hubby

Ever been swimming in a lake or river?
both. once, in high school, i went swimming in the river at dark. actually, i jumped out of a tree into the river but i couldn't see where the rocks ended and the river began. i also didn't know how deep it was there. pretty stupid, huh?

Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
yes. a few friends i've lost touch with.

What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
told hubby i loved him

Do you give out second chances easily?
usually yes. but it depends on why that person needs a second chance.

What woke you up today?
little buddy, like every day.

Your ex shows up randomly at your house what do you say?
get off my property

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
you bet! my hubby.

Two days from now this time, where will you be?
hopefully in bed asleep

Have you ever thought you were going to marry someone?
ever? yeah, like about a million guys, beginning when i was three. like most girls.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
little buddy

How late did you stay up last night and why?
i don't remember

When was the last time you did something you knew was wrong?
not sure exactly

Have you ever been nice to someone who treated you like crap?
yes

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
"anything," yes. but not very much like it. last year i was not a mommy. a lot has changed, i have changed.

When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking?
a few days ago. panic attacks tend to make you feel that way.

Who are your favorite people to talk to when you’re down?
hubby, my friends kaitlyn and steph, now that i'm an adult my mom and dad

Does the person you like, like you back?
i think so. i'm pretty hard to live with lately.

When was the last time you talked with the opposite sex on the phone? Who?
hubby, on my way home from work

Are you friends with someone who lies about the stupidest stuff ever?
yes

Pick a word that starts with the first letter of your first name:
cornnut (haha)

What's something that always gives you the chills?
a beautiful, powerful piece of music.

How was the past week for you?
long. a lot has changed as far as the future goes in the last week.

Whats your favorite color?
red

What are you listening to?
the tv, and the heater

What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
chocolate. i really only like pb in reese's.

If the year only consisted of one season which would you choose?
fall

If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you?
if it were someone other than hubby, no way is a cool way. if it were hubby, i like hugs.

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
nope

What's one thing you want more than anything in your life?
emotional stability

What was on your mind most today?
next week

Last person you gave something to?
gave hubby a kiss

Do you like winter time?
parts of it

Do you believe that if you want someone bad enough you'll get them?
define "bad enough." no--if i spent my entire life pining after, say, some celebrity, no matter how "badly" i wanted him i seriously doubt i'd get him.

What's your favorite fruit?
i like all fruit. i love pears. and fresh pineapple, coconut, raspberries, oranges...

Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
nope i definitely can't

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
in a heartbeat

Do you know anyone named Taylor?
yes, a few people

Are you friends with someone who is older than you?
yep

In the past week have you felt stupid?
frequently. i keep getting my words jumbled and saying stupid and or incoherent things.

Do people ever mistake you for being a different race?
haha. no way. i'm as white as they come.

Do your nails ALWAYS have to be painted?
no. in fact i rarely paint them because the paint chips within 30 seconds and then it bugs me so bad i have to chip it all off.

Do you have your baby picture in your room?
not my baby picture

What did you do today?
cleaned, took care of the baby, worked, visited with my parents, spent time with hubby

What happened at 4AM this morning?
nothing i'm aware of, i was sleeping

Were you happy when you woke up today?
no. baby woke earlier than usual.

Last thing received in the mail?
ads

Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines?
yes and i hate it, i always sound retarded

Do you have any career ideas yet?
a few. mommy, art therapist, art historian, graphic designer. i'd love to be everything all at once. too bad i can't do that.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
every night

At this time yesterday, what were you doing?
i think i was actually asleep

Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?
hubby

so now that you're thoroughly bored, feel free to do it yourself. maybe then you won't be bored.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

so georgie over at decisionally challenged (this great blog i recently ran across) posted this little meme. i decided it would be a fun thing to do to kind of relax a bit.

so here's the deal: she gave me a letter (the letter E) and i have to come up with 10 things i love that begin with the letter e. so here we go!

1. elephants: i love elephants. they are my mom's favorite animal, and i think she gave that to me (even though they aren't my favorite.) they're majestic animals, beautiful, and i love to watch them move. did you ever see that episode of reading rainbow (or is it sesame street?) where they show the elephants getting a bath? to the tune of "splish splash." i always thought it was so cool they used these huge brooms to scrub them down.

2. energy: i couldn't live without it. lately i have had NONE to do ANYTHING (even eat, most of the time) and i sorely miss it. i look forward to getting it back!

3. email: what would we do without email? what did we do before we had email? the instantaneous communication is awesome. plus, you don't have to go looking for stamps. or buy stamps. (even though i ADORE snail mail, there is a reason why it is called snail mail.) hubby and i communicate through email a lot when i'm at work, and it's great.

4. egyptian art: pyramids, frescoes, statues, idols, tapestries...oh the list could go on. beauty meets function. hubby and i were watching antiques roadshow the other day (which i love teehee) and some guy brought in this little idol of a falcon, which was supposed to be for the god horace, i think. anyway, the inside was hollow and it used to contain a mummified falcon as an offering to the god. beautiful. i loved it.

5. electricity: oh, electricity. heat. light. a/c. the ability to use my computer/blow dryer/plug in my cell phone/listen to my cds/watch tv/live comfortably.

6. eyes, and eyesight (i'm combining the two): i am an artist. i adore art history. what would i do without my eyes? my life would not be the same. i would not be the same. plus, i think it's pretty darn cool that i can check out hubby's butt (which is pretty darn sexy). and to see the smile on my baby's face, and his beautiful blue eyes. i would be miserable without my eyesight.

7. eiffel tower: someday i want to visit. someday i want a cliche kiss from hubby at the top, overlooking paris at night. ah, c'est la vie.

8. ernie (as in burt and ernie from sesame street): georgie mentioned sesame street on her blog and it made me think about ernie. he was my favorite character on sesame street, with his rubber ducky. when i was a kid i had an ernie doll that taught me how to do buttons, zippers, tie shoelaces, etc. you know, one of those fun dolls. i loved it.

9. education: i love learning new things. i'm glad i've been able to have such a great education. i adored high school (at least the academics, haha) and was kind of a nerd, i always got good grades and studied hard. i would love to be able to go back to college someday and finish my degree. i think a good education is vital, not just in the career world but also to increase our brain capabilities.

10. english: one of my favorite subjects. mostly because i love to read. i hated grammar, which i suck at. i know what is and what isn't correct (most of the time) but you ask me to point out the participle and i'll give you a blank stare. ask me to point out the noun and verb in "the dog ran" and i could do it but that's probably about it.

if anyone would like to participate in this and put in on their own blog, leave me a comment with your email address and i'll pick a fun letter for you!

even better, go into your blogger profile and enable the reply by email thingy so every time you leave a comment i can reply by email. you have no idea how often i go to reply to the fun comments you leave and i can't because there's no email! and i usually don't reply right on my blog, because i seriously doubt most of you, if any of you, check back to see if i left you a comment. i never do when i leave comments on other blogs. and, if i were to respond on your blog, it would be all weird and out of place. so that would be freaking awesome.

c-e-l-e-b-r-a-t-i-o-n-!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME-EEEE! yep, it's true. today is the anniversary of my birth. 23 years ago...in a blizzard...a beautifully fat baby girl was born to my parents. and now here i am, blogging for you, oh members of the blogging world.

i also just realized that i have posted to this blog over 100 times now. wow! crazy! i swear i just started blogging here.

so, since i totally missed it, happy 100th post to any of you three people that read my blog and comment on it. (i love you more than you know. seriously. i anticipate your comments! i go to bed thinking about it! i wake up and skip to the computer to read them! i continue writing hoping and waiting for the wonderful validation you give me!)

so, in honor of my 100th post (which was a few posts ago) AND MY 23RD BIRTHDAY, i'm providing you with mindless self-centered rambling. (oh wait...you get that daily. haha!)

100 random things you may not know about me:
1. i am married to the sexiest, most wonderful man in the world.
2. i know without a doubt that my calling in life is to be a mother.
3. i used to have a terrible habit of biting my fingernails, until i got to be about a senior in high school. then i just...stopped. don't really know why.
4. when i was a baby, i was so stubborn i got to the point that i'd freak out if my parents didn't let me change my own diapers.
5. i love coconut so much i eat baking coconut straight out of the bag. same for cream cheese.
6. when i was in preschool i wanted to be raphael (tmnt) for halloween really bad--but my mom said it was too masculine and i was a butterfly instead. BORING! (side note: she bought me the dvd of the latest tmnt movie for christmas this year. silly mom.)
7. i started reading shakespeare in 5th grade, after my grandma went to london and brought back a "shakespeare for kids" book. still have it, actually. i have since moved on to the real thing.
8. i am scared of nursing homes. i do much better in them now, but i had a negative experience once with an old lady and a nurse yelling at me for something i don't remember when i was about 13, volunteering there for young womens.
9. i spent two days in AP Art my freshman year of high school until the teacher realized i was a freshman and put me in honors art instead.
10. my junior year of high school, i won an award in the spring art show, and the school bought one of my pieces for $100. it is still hanging in the auditorium foyer with a gold plate with my name on it. they spelled my first name wrong originally and it took my parents three years of hounding the art teacher to get it fixed.
11. one summer in elementary school i was in a play called "the pied piper of scotland" (with kaitlyn...remember that?). they had all of us draw pictures to put in the program, mine was picked to be on the cover.
12. i TAed for the 7th grade orchestra when i was in 8th grade
13. i have read nearly every book in the babysitter's club series, and most of the ones in the babysitter's little sister series as well.
14. one of my all-time favorite tv shows is daria.
15. i love getting mail. it is one of the best things in the world, to get a letter or a package in the mail. especially if you weren't expecting it.
16. music is something i seriously can't live without--when i did something wrong, my punishment was usually having my cd player taken away. boy did my parents know what would really be hard for me!
17. when i was a baby, my mom used to put me in front of the nba games to calm me down.
18. i have no allergies.
19. i remember my mom's 29th birthday. i don't have very many memories from that period of my life, so it's kind of a random day to remember.
20. i rode my first horse when i was about 8 months old.
21. i support gay marriage--and i'm mormon. go figure. :)
22. i hate raisins. really, really, hate raisins. they stink. they squish. they leave a weird residue on your fingers. gross.
23. when i was 13, i decided i was never going to have (biological) children. my mom got me to sign a "contract" saying for every kid i have i will pay her $100. lucky for me she just gave me crap about it constantly...never forced me to pay up. (although she says she still has that "contract" somewhere.)
24. my name is a combination of my parents' names: but i'm still not going to tell you what it is, since i'm staying anonymous here. so sorry! :)
25. i got into a fight with my sixth grade teacher and was sent home for the day. (i hated her.)
26. once i bit a girl on the playground when i was in....4th? grade...and got detention for it. in my defense, she came up behind me and bear hugged me and wouldn't let go.
27. i wore tennis shoes to my first formal dance
28. i went almost two years without drinking anything carbonated in high school
29. my favorite food is spaghetti, my mom made it for me every year on my birthday, with cheesecake for dessert
30. i always wanted to live in paris. i even took french in high school and college so that when i moved there i would know some of the language.
31. two things i've always wished i could do (and never had the talent): sing and dance
32. my favorite search engine is yahoo.com. i don't like to use anything else, except google images--i don't use yahoo images. quirky, i know.
33. one of my favorite cars that i have driven is my dad's old geo metro. so old it didn't have a seatbelt in the middle seat. i learned to drive stick in that thing.
34. i never really watched the news until i met my hubby.
35. one of my pet peeves is the incorrect use of apostrophes. seriously, it is not that difficult people.
36. i hate wearing bracelets. for some reason they just really irk me. but i will wear gigantic earrings.
37. i can type between 75 and 80 wpm.
38. i am terrified of natural disasters--and fires. (i think i watched backdraft when i was too young, had nightmares about fires after that. good thing i married a pyro--i mean, fireman. haha!)
39. one of my favorite places in the whole world is a local waterfall. ironically, that's where hubby and i had our first date. but it was one of my favorite places before that.
40. when taking notes in high school, i was almost OCD about copying what was on the board/powerpoint presentation word for word. i couldn't just summarize it.
41. my favorite teachers were the ones that pushed the hardest, graded the hardest, had the hardest curriculum, and all-around were HARD. i liked that i was challenged.
42. i ADORE roller coasters, but can't do anything that spins in circles. makes me want to puke.
43. i didn't see my first firefly until i was 18.
44. i loooove heights; i've never been afraid of them.
45. once i tried to do a backflip of of a diving board. i didn't jump far enough out and hit my head on the bottom of the board.
46. ponytail holders are one of the greatest inventions known to man.
47. my parents were originally going to name me "tiamo" which means "i love you" in italian. (my dad served his mission in italy.) apparently when i was born i looked nothing like an italian baby so that got nixed.
48. my favorite book is "beauty" by robin mckinley.
49. i used to hide under my blankets with a flashlight and read all night long.
50. i love fruit. all fruit.
51. i didn't get my first cell phone until i was 19 and a sophomore in college. my youngest sister just got one for her 16th birthday. har har, thanks mom and dad.
52. i once got thrown off of a four wheeler and cracked my head open on a rock.
53. i HATE the smell of coffee. it is one of the worst smells in the world. alcohol, too.
54. i didn't start wearing pink of my own free will and choice until i was 18.
55. i talk really loud sometimes and don't realize i'm doing it. i'm just a loud person.
56. i always draw pictures on the calendar when we get a new one.
57. i use smiley faces a lot when i type. :)
58. i really, really, really stink at video games.
59. i love those vanilla bean frappucino things (no coffee in them, i hate the smell of it, remember) from starbucks.
60. i don't like using phone books. what's the point when it's faster to use the internet?
61. my favorite flowers are daffodils and tulips
62. i can't drive and talk on my cell phone at the same time. i do better with a hands-free headset but still...not so great.
63. i don't really like spoons. i only use them when necessary (like for soup and cereal). i even prefer to eat my ice cream with a fork.
64. i love cats. if i could be a cat, i would be. i also like monkeys. but i wouldn't be a monkey.
65. i HATE diet stuff. and sugar-free, and lite, etc. i can taste a difference and it makes me want to gag.
66. i am stickler on having things organized...although i don't usually follow through with it. things always end up a mess again.
67. i don't like to capitalize when i type (as you can see) because i think it is a waste of time and effort where my pinky is concerned.
68. i spent two summers in san diego working as a graphic design assistant, which is what i used to want to be when i grew up.
69. i never actually applied for the art school in college, which i regret immensely. i decided that i would never get accepted anyway so i never turned in my application. i still think i wouldn't have been accepted, but it would be nice to know for sure.
70. i was a roadie for the high school band my freshman year, lugging around colorguard flags and water bottles so i could spend more time with my friends who were in the colorguard.
71. my favorite toy when i was little was a blue tractor. i still have it. my mom kept it for me to let my kids play with. she gave it back to me last year, when i was pregnant with little buddy.
72. i used to get up at the crack of dawn and go to the day-after-christmas sales with my mom every year.
73. i love crossword puzzles.
74. i have been pulled over three times but have only gotten one ticket. (all three times i was in high school.)
75. i am very nearly obsessed with modern art.
76. i always hated it when people bought art to match their furniture/decor. you should buy furniture to match your art.
77. i cry at art museums.
78. one year i had my birthday party in july because i wanted a pool party. i got fed up with the fact that my birthday is in december and you can't have pool parties in december.
79. in my single days i would spend $100 on a pair of jeans that were long enough without really blinking. (more than twice.) now i choke on even thinking about spending that much money on an item of clothing.
80. i hate shaving my legs.
81. one of my favorite things in the world is driving around (somewhat recklessly haha) with the windows down, blaring music and singing at the top of my lungs. i don't do that as much anymore though...something about growing up. :)
82. i played joseph in a nativity play once when i was little.
83. i used to hate that i didn't have a middle name, so i made one up once. it was jane.
84. i still watch sesame street, mr. roger's neighborhood, and lamb chop's play along for fun.
85. one of my favorite fair/carnival/amusement park rides are the ones that take you to the top of a really high tower then let you drop. but i've never been on the tower of terror.
86. some of my favorite disney movies are beauty and the beast, lilo and stich, and finding nemo.
87. i used to be a really good swimmer. (used to be = key words)
88. i love fall, and rain, and everything that comes with fall.
89. i was pretty mean to my siblings growing up. and i really regret that now.
90. i've noticed that time passes much more quickly as an adult.
91. i'm really good with directions. if i've been somewhere once, i can find it again without a problem.
92. i don't really like writing with black ink. i prefer blue ink. i think it's easier to read.
93. i can change a tire by myself without a problem. i also know how to change the oil in a car by myself.
94. i am not a morning person. at all. but i can stay up all night long.
95. i'm really bad at remembering things. i forget stuff all the time. drove my parents nuts, and drives my husband nuts. i don't blame them. it's obnoxious for me, too.
96. i hate it when someone tells me they'll call me and then they don't.
97. if i could move back to the town i grew up in i'd do it in a heartbeat.
98. i knew a great-great grandmother, two great-grandfathers, and three great-grandmothers--one of which is still living.
99. i love colored sharpies.
100. i used to do a little dance every weekend in jr high and high school when i could turn off my morning alarm.

well that's 100. and it took a long time. and if you made it this far...you must be really bored, because i'm not that interesting. :)

so tell me a random tidbit about yourself!

tag tag tag i'm it

k so i'm doing this tag that april put on her blog. she tagged anyone who wanted to do it. so i decided i might as well.

1. i don't like spoons. if i could eat soup with a fork, i would. something about the shape of them in my mouth...i don't know. i even eat ice cream with a fork.

2. i can't whistle. i never have been able to. please, don't offer to teach me, don't exclaim your shock and suprise at my lack of whistling ability, and don't tell me that i really can do it if i do it your way. i'm pretty sure every time someone finds out i can't whistle they try to teach me how.

3. i cry in art museums. the sheer beauty of everything around me is overhwelming. sometimes it's just getting teary-eyed--and sometimes i really, actually, burst into tears. pathetic, i know, but (as i have mentioned many many times, haha) art speaks to me in a way that nothing else does.

4. in high school, my very first "accident" was me hitting my friend's car. i'd had my license for like two minutes, backed out of a parking spot but didn't go far enough. and hit her car. (remember that, kmo?) i was really embarrassed...

5. one of my goals growing up was to be a famous fashion designer and move to paris. i even took french in high school for that purpose alone. that goal changed when i was about 18 and realized that i wanted a family more than i wanted to be a designer living in france.

6. i love to putter around thrift stores, antique shops, vintage clothing stores, yard sales, and swap meets. you never know what you'll find!

7. i love toffee. my mouth is watering just thinking about it...ooooh....yum. toffee is the best thing EVER.

okay so now i tag....anyone who, like me, has writer's block, and nothing to do. :)

because i don't talk about myself enough as it is

i've done this one before, but i've been moving cobwebs around in my brain for an hour trying to figure out what to write about.

i am: obsessed with all things art.
i think: that snow should be warm.
i know: my husband loves me, even if i am crazy. or mean.
i want: to finish college someday.
i dislike: onions. motorcycles. raisins. scary movies. peppers. peanut butter sandwiches. spiders.
i fear: being resented by my children.
i feel: inadequate with most things
i hear: the incredible sound of my sleeping baby breathing
i smell: pretty bad, probably. haven't showered yet today.
i crave: chinese food....really bad....and coke. always crave coke.
i cry: a lot. all the time. at everything. every time i hear the song "sara beth." when i watch law and order. when i get upset. when i'm really happy. when i'm so proud of my hubby or my son.
i usually: try to stay in bed as long as humanly possible.
i search: for never-ending happiness
i wonder: what my life will be like a year from now
i regret: the way i treated my younger siblings growing up--my relationships with them suffers even now from it
i love: it when my hubby gets all dressed up. he hates it but he is just so freaking sexy. :)
i care: about people i don't know, have never met and never will meet
i always: forget things. lots of things. changing batteries. turning off lights.
i try: to be a better wife and mother. every day.
i worry: i'll never be good enough
i am not: a logical person (most times)
i remember: staying up until 5 am with my hubby because we just couldn't stand to say goodbye when we were dating
i believe: everyone deserves love and understanding, safety and comfort, joy and success
i dance: to make my baby laugh
i sing: really loud, in my car. but only when i'm by myself.
i don’t always: wear my own clothes. dh's are so much more comfy.
i argue: way too much.
i write: about how i feel, what i think, what i see, what i want to see
i lose: perspective when i get angry
i wish: i could protect my family from every kind of fear and unhappiness
i listen: to the same songs over and over again
i don't understand: how people can be so evil
i can usually be found: at work or with my family
i am scared: of losing my husband's love
i need: a coke. always.
i forget: how much fun it was to play sports
i am happy: to have so many family members and friends that care about me and my happiness.