i am made of clay

have you ever looked back on your life and wondered how you got where you are? what it was that shaped you, made you, molded and created you into who you have become?

i ask myself, how did i become an overweight college drop-out, working part-time selling ties to make ends meet, with a less than stellar job and financial history, and even worse history with every relationship that matters most at the age of 24?

because of choices, that's why.

do you ever wish you could go back and relive your life? make different choices, become a different person?

i used to have so much potential. so many dreams. i had my whole life before me--my depression under control. i graduated high school top of my class, with a stack of scholarships and awards. i looked great (although i didn't think so at the time), i felt great, had tons of friends and thought i knew who i was. i had a plan, a path. i got a little freedom and it all began to unravel. poor choices. being overwhelmed. memories...nightmares...resurfacing. hormonal changes, triggers, my life darkened by post-traumatic stress disorder.

if i could go back and change what happened to me in my childhood, where would i be? who would i be? even if i could just go back six years, to eighteen, and relive it, make changes, deal with things differently--who would i be now?

i have one dream that has come true. i have a beautiful family. if i changed my childhood, would that change? my husband, my two perfect children. if i had found myself, would i have lost them?

i am made of clay, shaped by time, by circumstance, by my own hands and by the hands of others. at any given time one element has more impact than another.


i used to know who i was. but i used to be a different person. i have changed a lot in six years. i have changed a lot in 19 years...19 years since i first began to be abused. by far the majority of my life has been altered and negatively impacted by someone else's choices, by my own choices in reaction to it.

so who am i now?

under the layers

yesterday i posted a letter to my baby girl. and reread the letter i wrote to my baby boy.

it made me think.

would my mom have written me a letter like this? saying these same things? yes, i think she would. in fact...she did. i have a stack of letters my parents wrote to me, starting during my mom's pregnancy up until i was two. all of them telling me how much they loved me, what a beautiful baby i was, and that they only wanted the best for me. i started out innocent, a precious baby just like everyone else.

somewhere along the way something got in the way of that. i was abused. i became angry, depressed, lost, full of hurt and pain--trying to survive, inflicting pain on those around me because i couldn't deal with it myself.

so does that change who i am, deep down, at the core? who i started this life as?

i suppose you could debate this. yes, and no. one thing that i've grown up learning about (but never really believing) is that i have a divine nature, that i am a child of God, and as such i have worth. that no matter what choices i make, God still loves me and i am still worth something.

i don't know the last time i really, truly believed that i was worth something.

but here's the confusion, i guess. no matter what my children go through, no matter what they choose to do, i will love them. they will still be my children, my babies, pieces of me. no matter what life brings, or how they react to that, they will always be who they are right now. it may become hidden, muddled, covered up, confused...but will who they are at the core ever change? i don't think so. my little buddy will always be my sweet little boy, giving his sister hugs and kisses, saying "a boo boo, mommy" (translation: i love you), and lighting up when he sees his daddy. my princess will always be just that--my princess. my sweet girl, giving me hugs, blowing raspberries and grinning huge grins, reaching her chubby little fingers out toward me. how could that ever change? even as they learn and grow, how could the light in their eyes, the innocence and joy they find in such small things go away?

we all grow up. we all change. and, like i said, the innocence gets covered up. but even if it's covered up, it's still there. sometimes we have to go through hundreds, or thousands, of layers to get to it. layers of hurt, of pain, of bad choices, of the consequences of others' choices.

so why can't i see that in myself? why do i only see worthlessness in myself? why do i hate myself so much over something someone else chose to do? why did i respond to that with such hate and anger? why do i take that hate and anger out on the people who love me most?

i never want my children to lose their childlike joy and innocence. maybe that's impossible. it was for me. but even as adults, we can find that, can't we?

i just have to figure out where to look...and how to go about finding it.

the time line is finished

it's been awhile since i posted...things have been pretty busy.

i finished my timeline. i haven't measured the second roll but it's probably about as long as the first. surprisingly, the last six or so years were the hardest. i really had to push myself to finish. i had an easier time writing about the actual trauma experiences than i did writing about my adult years. i have a few theories as to why.

the happiest years were my junior and senior years of high school. i had great friends, a great counselor, and i was really working hard on myself and my recovery. i took the SOLE class which helped me immensely.

then i moved out of my parents house to start college. and i made a lot of stupid choices. i got a boyfriend who was in every way wrong for me. i was overwhelmed by school and didn't really show up to class often. i was put on academic warning, then academic probation. my depression got out of control. i stayed up all night and slept all day. i lost several jobs. i distanced myself from my family and from my religion--i stopped going to church as often, reading my scriptures, writing in my journal and praying as much as i had before. i stopped going to counseling. i was doing better so i stopped working.

i married my wonderful husband and shortly after our wedding got really sick. we dealt with my illness and financial struggles. we moved, i got pregnant, and my hormones went crazy--and from there my mental health has really done kind of a nose dive. my anxiety increased. i began having flashbacks and nightmares. i've changed meds several times. my anger and behavioral problems have increased.

it was so hard to look at how well i did, then how poorly i have been doing the last few years--partly due to my own choices. i can't help but wonder how i would be doing now had i made different choices, stayed in therapy, went to class and not wasted so much time with a boyfriend that pulled me down. i'll never know.

at this point all i can do is learn from it, try to make my future better than my past. i'm in counseling and doing the homework she gives me. i'm far from perfect but i'm working harder to be better. i'm taking my meds every day and really paying attention to my behavior although i still feel out of control of it much of the time. and i also don't always see my negative behavior.

for awhile i was doing better. and i think a lot of it correlated with the fact that the nightmares stopped for a couple weeks. but the nightmares have come back, and with it the depression, the sleeplessness, the anxiety, and the overreacting. how do i stop the nightmares? i wish i knew. i'm still writing them all down but i don't know what triggers them. my therapist has me keeping a "mood log" now too to see if how i feel during the day affects the nightmares. i guess we'll see if it correlates.

i am so ready for all of this to be over. i want to be happy. i want to get along with the people around me. i want to be a better person, wife, mother, daughter, friend. i want to move on with my life instead of living in fear and anxiety and depression. is it even possible? will i ever get there? how long is it going to take me?

using the past to shape the future

a week ends, and another begins. time moves on. things change.

today i have been in a contemplative mood. at times my life does not feel like my own. i think about my past, what i have seen, what i have done, what i haven't done, and it feels like a dream. i think about my future. i think about what is happening now. in two years will today feel like a dream?

i have so many regrets. i have made so many poor choices. choices that, at the time, seemed like the right thing. choices that i had no idea would impact me in the way that they have. even the smallest of choices can cause such a massive ripple effect that your life will never be the same. you will change. those around you will change. your life can become something completely different.

i make millions of choices every day. whether i am choosing not to attend church on sunday (and instead blog about it on normal mormons), whether i am choosing to put the dishes off until tomorrow, or even if i choose to wear the blue shirt instead of the red one. some choices don't matter all that much (like what shirt to wear) and some do--like church attendance.

yesterday i had an opportunity to see some girls that lived in the dorms with me my freshman year of college. nearly 50 girls were invited, but only three came--including me. we met for breakfast at the dormitory cafeteria. i didn't really know the other two girls that came my freshman year. at least not well. i knew who they were, i knew who they hung out with, i knew which room was theirs. but i never really knew who they were. as i sat and talked to them, i was amazed. amazed at how well we got along. amazed at how much we had in common, about how easily we could talk, about the experiences they shared with me. and i was sad. sad that a few years ago i had every opportunity to get to know them. to be friends with them. why didn't i? because i made other choices. choices that, at the time, seemed like good ones. looking back now, i see they impacted me negatively. i missed out on so much. at the very least, i missed out on years of friendship with these fun, insightful, and compassionate girls. and who knows what else i missed?

but not every choice i made has had negative impacts on my life. even some of the bad choices i have made brought about good consequences. some of the best choices i have ever made, some of the seemingly small ones, have created the biggest, most wonderful results. like that day in september of 2005, when i got fed up with sitting at home every night. when i decided to check out that website. that website, that a few weeks later, led me to meet the man who is now my husband. who is now the father of my beautiful son. who would have thought that one seemingly small choice would change my life forever? would change me for eternity? i am so thankful that i decided to push aside the stigma attached to internet dating. i am so thankful that that man decided to send me an invitation to chat with him. he has become my entire world.

i hope that as i continue to learn and grow i can make more choices like that one. more choices that produce joy, that produce love, that produce happiness in my life and those around me.

judge me if you will...

i am american. i love being american. i love my rights, my freedoms, my ability to exercise these rights. so, hooray, two thumbs up for constitutional rights, everyone!

i am lds. i'd like to think of myself as being faithful although (gasp) i don't really go to church on a regular basis, i don't read my scriptures daily, and i do have a differing opinion as far as some church "policies" go. i.e. i support gay marriage and abortion. (that doesn't mean i AGREE with homosexuality or abortion, but i support the right of choice. people need to be allowed to make their own choices and deal with the consequences of them. who am i to tell them they can't?)

so. back to my constitutional rights. as you can see, i am on the more liberal side of (most) things. but. BUT. until i met my hunky hubby, the "right to bear arms" tidbit didn't really mean a whole lot. (liberal, remember?)

as of yesterday, i am officially in the running for my very own, bona fide concealed carry permit. that's right. if i so choose (after my paperwork is processed, that is) i can carry a firearm hidden in my purse/waistband/back pocket/vehicle/bra strap. so judge me if you wish, leave me nasty comments (which i will probably cry over and delete. so really, don't leave me nasty comments.) dh has been trying to get me to do this for some time. i already carry pepper spray and a citizen's issue taser in my purse (at all times, mind you). i guess when your hubby himself is a gun-totin' right-wing badass who works in the field that he does and is concerned with self-defense that's what you get, right? i love that he is so concerned/border-line obsessed with my safety. makes me feel important. :)

so saturday. i keep going off on tangents here. dh's work had a "special" CCW class for the spouses of employees. so i went. four hours--and i was pretty surprised, actually, with how much i learned and how i enjoyed it. the majority of the students were in fact women. we discussed firearm safety, when it is appropriate to use one, how to handle them, how to teach your children about them, how to secure them from children/people who have no business having weapons, why it is a good idea to carry for self-defense purposes, when you shouldn't carry, how to carry, state laws in reference to firearms, where you can and cannot carry, how to travel with them, alternative self-defense weapons and the pros and cons of said alternative weapons vs. a gun. and let me tell you, it was very informative.

i went into the class thinking it would be a good idea to have this permit for three reasons: 1. when the world comes to an end it will probably be necessary to be able to defend myself and my family. 2. the lives of my child(ren) and husband are much more important to me than anything else, and i will do anything to defend them. 3. it will make my hubby happy. (the family who packs together, stays together! according to him.) i do not, in any way, plan on carrying a firearm with me on a daily basis. even a frequent basis. let's face it, no need when i have my dh with me, and in a lot of cases it's not necessary. but regardless of this--the streets will now be safer because i can carry a firearm and protect the masses if needed. and yes, i do know how to safely use one.

i leave you with one final tidbit. guns do not kill people. it is not the gun's fault that some idiot pulled the trigger when he/she shouldn't have. stupid people, careless people, uninformed people, people who will commit murder with or without a gun (with a knife, a bat, a screwdriver, whatever) kill people. so my fellow liberals, please recognize this fact. we should be working on keeping guns from people who are not responsible enough to use them correctly. not from everyone. it's sad that we have to prepare to defend ourselves against jerks who illegally and inappropriately carry weapons like this.

so. let the judging begin....