i'm sitting here in bed and battling a sudden bout of depression. i really don't know where it came from or why. i'm relaxing and holding a sleeping angel and watching project runway. i have no real reason to be depressed....do i? so why am i feeling this way?
i try so hard to focus on the positive in my life. hubby calls me an "eternal optimist" and reminds me that everything isn't sunshine and roses. how ironic it is that with most things this is how i feel, how i perceive the world....and yet at times everything is so dark and dreary and i'm lonely here in my head. sometimes the depression jumps out and swallows me whole before i even have time to react.
so how do i get outside of my own head? i get so lost, like i'm in one of those giant european mazes made out of bushes and the sun is setting, it's getting dark, i'm surrounded by the same thing, the same thing, the same thing, everywhere i turn....dead ends....going in circles....the light dissipates into the night and i'm alone in a strange and terrifying place with no hope of getting out. i need a guide, a map, a gps, even a tower to climb just to look over the garden so i can at least see the end. how far away is the exit? even if it's a mile away just knowing it's there gives me hope and determination. without being able to see it, even though i know it's there it just doesn't feel real.
what does feel real to me right now is the fear, the helpless fear, the lonely thoughts inside my head. i have a loving husband and supportive family and friends. i know they're there, but they just don't understand. they just don't get what it's like to be surrounded by people and still feel so alone. i've never had a problem connecting to people....but in this sense every connection i have is cut off and i'm floating alone in a cold dark ocean of terror.
i want to sleep. i'm exhausted. my children are actually sleeping...i could go to sleep. but i know that if i turn off the tv, shut off the computer, lay down....i'll be left alone with nothing but the thoughts in my head and the fear in my chest.
so here i go....off to check my facebook for the thousandth time. off to check my empty email inbox for the ten thousandth time. off to try to push these thoughts out of my head and watch tv, hope that christopher will finally get kicked off and someone will just tell irena to shut up and stop being such a witch.
.....why is it that when i'm surrounded by chaos i crave a few hours to be alone, and by myself, and i get it, and i want the chaos and company?
Showing posts with label exhaustion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exhaustion. Show all posts
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
it's TWINS!
just kidding! i got you there though, didn't i?
we went to the dr yesterday and had our first ultrasound done. everything is looking good, only one baby (thank goodness). we heard the baby's heartbeat and it was awesome. the baby is at the bottom of the uterus. our dr said it's "slumming" down there at the bottom...haha!
having a second kid is so much easier. dr knows me, my history, no pelvic exam, no rush on blood work (i'm waiting until next month) etc. the dr suggested acupuncture or hypnosis to help with my migraines. luckily they haven't been too bad so far. nausea sucks, but no throwing up. i threw up a lot with little buddy. just an overall feeling of malaise, the nausea and low grade headaches, sore muscles and being tired. but i am capable of functioning at home and work, which i am so grateful for.
dr also said it was okay for me to go back on my antidepressants. instead of the effexor i will be taking celexa. i took celexa for years, started in 9th grade and took it up through my freshman year of college. it works for me and so i am optimistic. limited side effects and it should affect the baby. he would like me to try and wean off it during the third trimester, but if i have to be on it then it will still be okay. my psychiatrist doesn't want me taking my anxiety med or nightmare meds though, which so far hasn't been too bad. i've had nightmares but nothing too terrifying. hasn't interfered a whole lot with my sleep. and only one panic attack so far. i think the exhaustion from being pregnant has helped me to sleep better at night so far.
i have had really tight muscles in my shoulders and it has been very painful. i didn't have a whole lot of that with little buddy. lucky for me my father in law is a physical therapist, and has his own business. they have massage therapists there that i can see. my in laws don't charge me my copay, so it's free. they just bill the insurance and take care of the rest. isn't that awesome? i'm going in tomorrow night to see if i can get some of my shoulder and back muscles a bit looser.
also another pregnancy annoyance--nasal congestion. and nosebleeds. i hated that last time and i still do. every morning i wake up all stuffed up and my throat hurts because of it. it usually fades within an hour but man is it obnoxious. and getting random bloody noses isn't fun either.
as far as cravings go, i've been drinking a ton of milk. and eating fruit. and other random things that i've seen on tv and such. i want to puke every time i see an arby's commercial, weird because that was one of my cravings last time. curly fries. and now i'm saying YUCK. smell of onions makes me ill. garlic a bit too. and italian food sounds sickening to me. macaroni and cheese sounds yummy. with little buddy i drank tons of slurpees. i would be drinking them a lot with this one too, helps the nausea, but it adds up.
my official due date is september 28th now. i'm really looking forward to getting out of the first trimester, which isn't too far away. i'm glad i haven't been as sick so far with this pregnancy. hopefully it will continue that way.
did any of you who have been pregnant have weird things going on? good/bad symptoms, illnesses, etc?
we went to the dr yesterday and had our first ultrasound done. everything is looking good, only one baby (thank goodness). we heard the baby's heartbeat and it was awesome. the baby is at the bottom of the uterus. our dr said it's "slumming" down there at the bottom...haha!
having a second kid is so much easier. dr knows me, my history, no pelvic exam, no rush on blood work (i'm waiting until next month) etc. the dr suggested acupuncture or hypnosis to help with my migraines. luckily they haven't been too bad so far. nausea sucks, but no throwing up. i threw up a lot with little buddy. just an overall feeling of malaise, the nausea and low grade headaches, sore muscles and being tired. but i am capable of functioning at home and work, which i am so grateful for.
dr also said it was okay for me to go back on my antidepressants. instead of the effexor i will be taking celexa. i took celexa for years, started in 9th grade and took it up through my freshman year of college. it works for me and so i am optimistic. limited side effects and it should affect the baby. he would like me to try and wean off it during the third trimester, but if i have to be on it then it will still be okay. my psychiatrist doesn't want me taking my anxiety med or nightmare meds though, which so far hasn't been too bad. i've had nightmares but nothing too terrifying. hasn't interfered a whole lot with my sleep. and only one panic attack so far. i think the exhaustion from being pregnant has helped me to sleep better at night so far.
i have had really tight muscles in my shoulders and it has been very painful. i didn't have a whole lot of that with little buddy. lucky for me my father in law is a physical therapist, and has his own business. they have massage therapists there that i can see. my in laws don't charge me my copay, so it's free. they just bill the insurance and take care of the rest. isn't that awesome? i'm going in tomorrow night to see if i can get some of my shoulder and back muscles a bit looser.
also another pregnancy annoyance--nasal congestion. and nosebleeds. i hated that last time and i still do. every morning i wake up all stuffed up and my throat hurts because of it. it usually fades within an hour but man is it obnoxious. and getting random bloody noses isn't fun either.
as far as cravings go, i've been drinking a ton of milk. and eating fruit. and other random things that i've seen on tv and such. i want to puke every time i see an arby's commercial, weird because that was one of my cravings last time. curly fries. and now i'm saying YUCK. smell of onions makes me ill. garlic a bit too. and italian food sounds sickening to me. macaroni and cheese sounds yummy. with little buddy i drank tons of slurpees. i would be drinking them a lot with this one too, helps the nausea, but it adds up.
my official due date is september 28th now. i'm really looking forward to getting out of the first trimester, which isn't too far away. i'm glad i haven't been as sick so far with this pregnancy. hopefully it will continue that way.
did any of you who have been pregnant have weird things going on? good/bad symptoms, illnesses, etc?
Friday, January 9, 2009
because i am bored
it's 11 pm and i am not asleep. why? because although i'm depressed as hell (hooray for depression...NOT) my mind thinks that sleep is unnecessary. so instead of laying in bed staring at the ceiling fan and being incredibly jealous of hubby sleeping next to me i will thrill you with this fun little meme.
What is bothering you right now?
the fact that i can't sleep, and i want to. and my back. :P
What does your last received text message say?
i'm not sure because my phone is upstairs charging. probably "luvu"
When was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life?
i'm not sure
What are you doing tonight?
blogging
What was the last voicemail you received about?
dr's appointment
Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
yes, a whole bunch
Do you look at the keyboard when you type?
no
Do you think your last ex deserves to die?
no
Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
i never go to sleep smiling, my face relaxes when i go to sleep
Did you have a good day yesterday?
it was okay, better than a lot of recent days
Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
i married him! i talk to him daily
What is your current mood?
tired, kind of scared and apprehensive
What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
getting on the road to healing, being a better person. little buddy's first birthday!
How's your heart lately?
pumping like normal!
Will this weekend be a good one?
i hope so! looking forward to seeing some friends tomorrow and spending as much time with hubby and little buddy as i possibly can.
Who hugged you last?
hubby
What is your relationship status?
married
Look behind you, what do you see?
a wall
Any summer plans for 2009?
not so far!
How's your life lately?
scary. i don't know what's going to happen, i'm out of control and i hate that.
Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
my own
Do you miss anyone?
yes. i miss myself. i hope i can get myself back again soon. i hate who i am right now.
Is there one place you'd like to visit?
florence, venice, paris (that's three but maybe if we say EUROPE it will count as one place.)
Have you held hands with anyone today?
hubby
Ever been swimming in a lake or river?
both. once, in high school, i went swimming in the river at dark. actually, i jumped out of a tree into the river but i couldn't see where the rocks ended and the river began. i also didn't know how deep it was there. pretty stupid, huh?
Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
yes. a few friends i've lost touch with.
What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
told hubby i loved him
Do you give out second chances easily?
usually yes. but it depends on why that person needs a second chance.
What woke you up today?
little buddy, like every day.
Your ex shows up randomly at your house what do you say?
get off my property
This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
you bet! my hubby.
Two days from now this time, where will you be?
hopefully in bed asleep
Have you ever thought you were going to marry someone?
ever? yeah, like about a million guys, beginning when i was three. like most girls.
Who was the first person you talked to today?
little buddy
How late did you stay up last night and why?
i don't remember
When was the last time you did something you knew was wrong?
not sure exactly
Have you ever been nice to someone who treated you like crap?
yes
Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
"anything," yes. but not very much like it. last year i was not a mommy. a lot has changed, i have changed.
When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking?
a few days ago. panic attacks tend to make you feel that way.
Who are your favorite people to talk to when you’re down?
hubby, my friends kaitlyn and steph, now that i'm an adult my mom and dad
Does the person you like, like you back?
i think so. i'm pretty hard to live with lately.
When was the last time you talked with the opposite sex on the phone? Who?
hubby, on my way home from work
Are you friends with someone who lies about the stupidest stuff ever?
yes
Pick a word that starts with the first letter of your first name:
cornnut (haha)
What's something that always gives you the chills?
a beautiful, powerful piece of music.
How was the past week for you?
long. a lot has changed as far as the future goes in the last week.
Whats your favorite color?
red
What are you listening to?
the tv, and the heater
What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
chocolate. i really only like pb in reese's.
If the year only consisted of one season which would you choose?
fall
If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you?
if it were someone other than hubby, no way is a cool way. if it were hubby, i like hugs.
Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
nope
What's one thing you want more than anything in your life?
emotional stability
What was on your mind most today?
next week
Last person you gave something to?
gave hubby a kiss
Do you like winter time?
parts of it
Do you believe that if you want someone bad enough you'll get them?
define "bad enough." no--if i spent my entire life pining after, say, some celebrity, no matter how "badly" i wanted him i seriously doubt i'd get him.
What's your favorite fruit?
i like all fruit. i love pears. and fresh pineapple, coconut, raspberries, oranges...
Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
nope i definitely can't
If you could move somewhere else, would you?
in a heartbeat
Do you know anyone named Taylor?
yes, a few people
Are you friends with someone who is older than you?
yep
In the past week have you felt stupid?
frequently. i keep getting my words jumbled and saying stupid and or incoherent things.
Do people ever mistake you for being a different race?
haha. no way. i'm as white as they come.
Do your nails ALWAYS have to be painted?
no. in fact i rarely paint them because the paint chips within 30 seconds and then it bugs me so bad i have to chip it all off.
Do you have your baby picture in your room?
not my baby picture
What did you do today?
cleaned, took care of the baby, worked, visited with my parents, spent time with hubby
What happened at 4AM this morning?
nothing i'm aware of, i was sleeping
Were you happy when you woke up today?
no. baby woke earlier than usual.
Last thing received in the mail?
ads
Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines?
yes and i hate it, i always sound retarded
Do you have any career ideas yet?
a few. mommy, art therapist, art historian, graphic designer. i'd love to be everything all at once. too bad i can't do that.
Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
every night
At this time yesterday, what were you doing?
i think i was actually asleep
Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?
hubby
so now that you're thoroughly bored, feel free to do it yourself. maybe then you won't be bored.
What is bothering you right now?
the fact that i can't sleep, and i want to. and my back. :P
What does your last received text message say?
i'm not sure because my phone is upstairs charging. probably "luvu"
When was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life?
i'm not sure
What are you doing tonight?
blogging
What was the last voicemail you received about?
dr's appointment
Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
yes, a whole bunch
Do you look at the keyboard when you type?
no
Do you think your last ex deserves to die?
no
Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
i never go to sleep smiling, my face relaxes when i go to sleep
Did you have a good day yesterday?
it was okay, better than a lot of recent days
Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
i married him! i talk to him daily
What is your current mood?
tired, kind of scared and apprehensive
What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
getting on the road to healing, being a better person. little buddy's first birthday!
How's your heart lately?
pumping like normal!
Will this weekend be a good one?
i hope so! looking forward to seeing some friends tomorrow and spending as much time with hubby and little buddy as i possibly can.
Who hugged you last?
hubby
What is your relationship status?
married
Look behind you, what do you see?
a wall
Any summer plans for 2009?
not so far!
How's your life lately?
scary. i don't know what's going to happen, i'm out of control and i hate that.
Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
my own
Do you miss anyone?
yes. i miss myself. i hope i can get myself back again soon. i hate who i am right now.
Is there one place you'd like to visit?
florence, venice, paris (that's three but maybe if we say EUROPE it will count as one place.)
Have you held hands with anyone today?
hubby
Ever been swimming in a lake or river?
both. once, in high school, i went swimming in the river at dark. actually, i jumped out of a tree into the river but i couldn't see where the rocks ended and the river began. i also didn't know how deep it was there. pretty stupid, huh?
Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
yes. a few friends i've lost touch with.
What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
told hubby i loved him
Do you give out second chances easily?
usually yes. but it depends on why that person needs a second chance.
What woke you up today?
little buddy, like every day.
Your ex shows up randomly at your house what do you say?
get off my property
This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
you bet! my hubby.
Two days from now this time, where will you be?
hopefully in bed asleep
Have you ever thought you were going to marry someone?
ever? yeah, like about a million guys, beginning when i was three. like most girls.
Who was the first person you talked to today?
little buddy
How late did you stay up last night and why?
i don't remember
When was the last time you did something you knew was wrong?
not sure exactly
Have you ever been nice to someone who treated you like crap?
yes
Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
"anything," yes. but not very much like it. last year i was not a mommy. a lot has changed, i have changed.
When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking?
a few days ago. panic attacks tend to make you feel that way.
Who are your favorite people to talk to when you’re down?
hubby, my friends kaitlyn and steph, now that i'm an adult my mom and dad
Does the person you like, like you back?
i think so. i'm pretty hard to live with lately.
When was the last time you talked with the opposite sex on the phone? Who?
hubby, on my way home from work
Are you friends with someone who lies about the stupidest stuff ever?
yes
Pick a word that starts with the first letter of your first name:
cornnut (haha)
What's something that always gives you the chills?
a beautiful, powerful piece of music.
How was the past week for you?
long. a lot has changed as far as the future goes in the last week.
Whats your favorite color?
red
What are you listening to?
the tv, and the heater
What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
chocolate. i really only like pb in reese's.
If the year only consisted of one season which would you choose?
fall
If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you?
if it were someone other than hubby, no way is a cool way. if it were hubby, i like hugs.
Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
nope
What's one thing you want more than anything in your life?
emotional stability
What was on your mind most today?
next week
Last person you gave something to?
gave hubby a kiss
Do you like winter time?
parts of it
Do you believe that if you want someone bad enough you'll get them?
define "bad enough." no--if i spent my entire life pining after, say, some celebrity, no matter how "badly" i wanted him i seriously doubt i'd get him.
What's your favorite fruit?
i like all fruit. i love pears. and fresh pineapple, coconut, raspberries, oranges...
Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
nope i definitely can't
If you could move somewhere else, would you?
in a heartbeat
Do you know anyone named Taylor?
yes, a few people
Are you friends with someone who is older than you?
yep
In the past week have you felt stupid?
frequently. i keep getting my words jumbled and saying stupid and or incoherent things.
Do people ever mistake you for being a different race?
haha. no way. i'm as white as they come.
Do your nails ALWAYS have to be painted?
no. in fact i rarely paint them because the paint chips within 30 seconds and then it bugs me so bad i have to chip it all off.
Do you have your baby picture in your room?
not my baby picture
What did you do today?
cleaned, took care of the baby, worked, visited with my parents, spent time with hubby
What happened at 4AM this morning?
nothing i'm aware of, i was sleeping
Were you happy when you woke up today?
no. baby woke earlier than usual.
Last thing received in the mail?
ads
Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines?
yes and i hate it, i always sound retarded
Do you have any career ideas yet?
a few. mommy, art therapist, art historian, graphic designer. i'd love to be everything all at once. too bad i can't do that.
Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
every night
At this time yesterday, what were you doing?
i think i was actually asleep
Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?
hubby
so now that you're thoroughly bored, feel free to do it yourself. maybe then you won't be bored.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
i can't hide from my childhood
last night was....horrific. to say the least. it has been a very long time since i've had a night like that. flashbacks...nightmares...the feeling of fear. terror. loneliness. every time i closed my eyes, i was back there, six years old again, confused, hurt and scared. panic attacks...my chest hurts. i feel as if there is a huge void behind my ribs, and they are so constricted, so tight, i cannot breathe, my lungs will not inflate. i sob hysterically, which makes the breathing more difficult than it already is. i feel as if i might die. today i am still feeling the effects of it. i'm exhausted. i barely slept. my body is weary from the emotional pain. my mind is slower today.
london bridges falling down
like my dreams it hits the ground
crushed and broken with despair
they're left forgotten and dying there
rock a bye baby
in the treetops
please let me sleep so the pain will stop
i'm just so tired and sick of trying
of playing this game while my soul is dying
mirror, mirror, on the wall
i want to fly -- you make me crawl
how did i ever come to be
this person looking back at me
twinkle, twinkle, little star
up there in heaven, you seem so far
oh God above, take away these chains
cleanse my soul,
let me live again.
"not quite a nursery rhyme,"
written by a 13-year old abuse victim
(not me)
lucky for me....i have a husband who, middle of the night and all, woke up to comfort me. to hold me and tell me it will all be okay, that there is nothing that can hurt me. that he loves me. that he is there to protect me.
you know how they say God works through other people to help us? last night (and every night) God works through my husband.
london bridges falling down
like my dreams it hits the ground
crushed and broken with despair
they're left forgotten and dying there
rock a bye baby
in the treetops
please let me sleep so the pain will stop
i'm just so tired and sick of trying
of playing this game while my soul is dying
mirror, mirror, on the wall
i want to fly -- you make me crawl
how did i ever come to be
this person looking back at me
twinkle, twinkle, little star
up there in heaven, you seem so far
oh God above, take away these chains
cleanse my soul,
let me live again.
"not quite a nursery rhyme,"
written by a 13-year old abuse victim
(not me)
lucky for me....i have a husband who, middle of the night and all, woke up to comfort me. to hold me and tell me it will all be okay, that there is nothing that can hurt me. that he loves me. that he is there to protect me.
you know how they say God works through other people to help us? last night (and every night) God works through my husband.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
current mood: blllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh
i have writer's block.
i have officially been staring at this screen for....oh....twelve minutes.
i just love it when i don't have any ideas for brilliant posts. (dripping with sarcasm, if you can't tell.)
and it took me twice as long as it should just to write that, because little buddy keeps pushing the backspace button.
so instead of writing a brilliant, well-thought post, i'm just going to ramble for a bit. in bullets. because bullets are the best.
- it's november 11, and it is veterans day. we should all stop and think about the sacrifices our men and women in uniform (and their families) have made for us, for our country, for our way of life. thank you for your service!
- this morning was fantastic. (there's that sarcasm again....) i got to wake up at 5 am to clean up after the dog, who had at some point during the night gotten sick all over the carpet. in five places. and our carpet is white. needless to say, lots of scrubbing later, i still can't get it all out, and we ran out of carpet cleaner. so later today hubby is going to get some cleaner after work and we'll see if that helps. our dog is sick constantly--she has seen the vet, she has gotten meds, it didn't do anything. vet says she just has a sensitive stomach and responds to stress by getting sick. it's frustrating, how often she is ill.
- i'm in a sour mood again today. (is it obvious?) besides the whole dog sick thing, i'm not really sure why. exhaustion? i'm not sure. but i'm annoyed today.
- i really, really, really could use a GIANT coke and a few HUGE chunks of chocolate. mmmm.....
- on a positive note, it's been raining. and i love the rain. rain is the best.
i have officially been staring at this screen for....oh....twelve minutes.
i just love it when i don't have any ideas for brilliant posts. (dripping with sarcasm, if you can't tell.)
and it took me twice as long as it should just to write that, because little buddy keeps pushing the backspace button.
so instead of writing a brilliant, well-thought post, i'm just going to ramble for a bit. in bullets. because bullets are the best.
- it's november 11, and it is veterans day. we should all stop and think about the sacrifices our men and women in uniform (and their families) have made for us, for our country, for our way of life. thank you for your service!
- this morning was fantastic. (there's that sarcasm again....) i got to wake up at 5 am to clean up after the dog, who had at some point during the night gotten sick all over the carpet. in five places. and our carpet is white. needless to say, lots of scrubbing later, i still can't get it all out, and we ran out of carpet cleaner. so later today hubby is going to get some cleaner after work and we'll see if that helps. our dog is sick constantly--she has seen the vet, she has gotten meds, it didn't do anything. vet says she just has a sensitive stomach and responds to stress by getting sick. it's frustrating, how often she is ill.
- i'm in a sour mood again today. (is it obvious?) besides the whole dog sick thing, i'm not really sure why. exhaustion? i'm not sure. but i'm annoyed today.
- i really, really, really could use a GIANT coke and a few HUGE chunks of chocolate. mmmm.....
- on a positive note, it's been raining. and i love the rain. rain is the best.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
it's 10:00 again, and where is cornnut? oh, that's right! she's awake!
here's a new emotion:
annoyance.
i've had a long day. a very long day. didn't sleep well last night (oh! surprise!), had a hard day at work, my back hurts, been kind of stressed, was accused of being deceptive (when i wasn't!) and just all around had, you know, one of those days. and now that it is at the end of the day, i'm annoyed. i'm on edge. i'm antsy. i'm exhausted but wide awake. i'm fed up with things that are seemingly unchanging. i feel attacked by people around me. i'm bored. i want to yell. i want to cry. i want to laugh.
i think i'm PMSing.
i need a coke.
annoyance.
i've had a long day. a very long day. didn't sleep well last night (oh! surprise!), had a hard day at work, my back hurts, been kind of stressed, was accused of being deceptive (when i wasn't!) and just all around had, you know, one of those days. and now that it is at the end of the day, i'm annoyed. i'm on edge. i'm antsy. i'm exhausted but wide awake. i'm fed up with things that are seemingly unchanging. i feel attacked by people around me. i'm bored. i want to yell. i want to cry. i want to laugh.
i think i'm PMSing.
i need a coke.
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