i am made of clay

have you ever looked back on your life and wondered how you got where you are? what it was that shaped you, made you, molded and created you into who you have become?

i ask myself, how did i become an overweight college drop-out, working part-time selling ties to make ends meet, with a less than stellar job and financial history, and even worse history with every relationship that matters most at the age of 24?

because of choices, that's why.

do you ever wish you could go back and relive your life? make different choices, become a different person?

i used to have so much potential. so many dreams. i had my whole life before me--my depression under control. i graduated high school top of my class, with a stack of scholarships and awards. i looked great (although i didn't think so at the time), i felt great, had tons of friends and thought i knew who i was. i had a plan, a path. i got a little freedom and it all began to unravel. poor choices. being overwhelmed. memories...nightmares...resurfacing. hormonal changes, triggers, my life darkened by post-traumatic stress disorder.

if i could go back and change what happened to me in my childhood, where would i be? who would i be? even if i could just go back six years, to eighteen, and relive it, make changes, deal with things differently--who would i be now?

i have one dream that has come true. i have a beautiful family. if i changed my childhood, would that change? my husband, my two perfect children. if i had found myself, would i have lost them?

i am made of clay, shaped by time, by circumstance, by my own hands and by the hands of others. at any given time one element has more impact than another.


i used to know who i was. but i used to be a different person. i have changed a lot in six years. i have changed a lot in 19 years...19 years since i first began to be abused. by far the majority of my life has been altered and negatively impacted by someone else's choices, by my own choices in reaction to it.

so who am i now?

dream on

so this morning i woke up at 6 am. couldn't sleep any longer. last night i didn't fall asleep until around midnight---also couldn't sleep. good grief.

i had the weirdest/kinda cool dream just before i woke up last night. hubby and i were rich (woohoo! love those dreams!) so i decided to head on over to the mall and have myself a little bit of fun. i had my makeup done, got some new clothes, and moseyed over to the salon. where i cut my hair and bleached it, then had those awesome fake acrylic nails done on my hands and feet. the coolest part? the tips were black and had these little bats all over them. freaky i know but i thought it was cool.

so....subconscious telling me i need a change? i think so. and let me tell you i'd love a change involving hair/nails/makeup/clothes. i love those stupid acrylic nails, they make my hands look so pretty. :)

why can't i have cool dreams like that every night instead of nightmares?

using the past to shape the future

a week ends, and another begins. time moves on. things change.

today i have been in a contemplative mood. at times my life does not feel like my own. i think about my past, what i have seen, what i have done, what i haven't done, and it feels like a dream. i think about my future. i think about what is happening now. in two years will today feel like a dream?

i have so many regrets. i have made so many poor choices. choices that, at the time, seemed like the right thing. choices that i had no idea would impact me in the way that they have. even the smallest of choices can cause such a massive ripple effect that your life will never be the same. you will change. those around you will change. your life can become something completely different.

i make millions of choices every day. whether i am choosing not to attend church on sunday (and instead blog about it on normal mormons), whether i am choosing to put the dishes off until tomorrow, or even if i choose to wear the blue shirt instead of the red one. some choices don't matter all that much (like what shirt to wear) and some do--like church attendance.

yesterday i had an opportunity to see some girls that lived in the dorms with me my freshman year of college. nearly 50 girls were invited, but only three came--including me. we met for breakfast at the dormitory cafeteria. i didn't really know the other two girls that came my freshman year. at least not well. i knew who they were, i knew who they hung out with, i knew which room was theirs. but i never really knew who they were. as i sat and talked to them, i was amazed. amazed at how well we got along. amazed at how much we had in common, about how easily we could talk, about the experiences they shared with me. and i was sad. sad that a few years ago i had every opportunity to get to know them. to be friends with them. why didn't i? because i made other choices. choices that, at the time, seemed like good ones. looking back now, i see they impacted me negatively. i missed out on so much. at the very least, i missed out on years of friendship with these fun, insightful, and compassionate girls. and who knows what else i missed?

but not every choice i made has had negative impacts on my life. even some of the bad choices i have made brought about good consequences. some of the best choices i have ever made, some of the seemingly small ones, have created the biggest, most wonderful results. like that day in september of 2005, when i got fed up with sitting at home every night. when i decided to check out that website. that website, that a few weeks later, led me to meet the man who is now my husband. who is now the father of my beautiful son. who would have thought that one seemingly small choice would change my life forever? would change me for eternity? i am so thankful that i decided to push aside the stigma attached to internet dating. i am so thankful that that man decided to send me an invitation to chat with him. he has become my entire world.

i hope that as i continue to learn and grow i can make more choices like that one. more choices that produce joy, that produce love, that produce happiness in my life and those around me.