Thursday, July 29, 2010

i want to go there...

By Fireflight

Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight
Can't face me in the light
They'll return but I'll be stronger

God, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I want to go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can't see
To reach my destiny
I want to take control but I know better

God, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I want to go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

Forget the fear it's just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust

God, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I want to go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop meGod, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I want to go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

to the man who saves me when my world is upside down

by Fireflight

Sometimes I feel so cold
Like I'm waiting around all by myself
Loneliness gets so old
I'm in the lost and found sitting on the shelf
Been stuck for way too long
But I hear your voice
You're who I'm counting on

Oh, tell me you're here
That you will watch over me forever
Oh, take hold of my heart
Show me you'll love me forever

I know that you can tell
When I start to let my hope fade away
I need to catch myself
Open my ears to hear you calling my name
Been fighting way too long
But I hear your voice
You had me all along

When I'm starting to drown
You jump in to save me
When my world's upside down
Your hands, they shake me and wake me

Monday, July 26, 2010

more things i love:

cuddling with my hubby

listening to my son sing to himself (lately it's "happy birthday to you" or a song about how he can pee in his diaper....gotta love potty training)

hugs from my baby girl, she lays her head on my shoulder and pats my back with her little hand

warm brownies

getting to know new people and making friends

sarah mclaughlan

seeing my sweet little boy next to his similar they look

hershey's bliss chocolates. a bag full.

baby fat rolls, baby giggles, baby teeth

my iphone

knowing i have people i can turn to when i need help, or just someone to talk to

nap time

feeling accepted in spite of my flaws

holding both my kids at once and knowing that being a mommy is the best thing in the world

my teddy bear, my quilts, my soft comfy bed

my cat

reading sappy romance novels...watching sappy romance movies

fires in the fireplace

rainstorms with thunder and lightning and wind

singing at the top of my lungs when no one is around, while driving in my car


a band i just discovered called fireflight (seriously LOVE them)


a really good workout that gets endorphins pumping...and makes me feel alive


the skulls on the back of my minivan

pandora radio

an ice-cold coke with condensation running down the side of the cup

saving money

the ocean...hearing the waves, and the gulls. the smell of saltwater, the feel of the sand beneath my toes


did i mention cuddling with my hubby?


other things i love

and more things i love

what do you love?

Sunday, July 25, 2010


i stole this from vanessa, who tagged her readers...and since i needed a you go! i tag all of you, too.

1. Open your library (iTunes, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool…

Opening Credits:
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen (haha, love it....a la Wayne's World)

Waking Up:
The Lighthouse's Tale - Nickel Creek (that's depressing...even though it is a beautiful song)

First Day of School:
Excuse Me Mr. - No Doubt (appropriate for high school, i think)

Falling in Love:
360 Degrees of You (also extremely appropriate for me pre-marriage)

Fight Song:

Long Gone Lonesome Blues - Hank Williams (pretty wimpy fight song)

Thriller - Michael Jackson (hehehe)

Get Over Yourself - SheDaisy

Breaking Up:
The Luckiest - Ben Folds (this is not a breakup song...unless you're a stalker...)

Mental Breakdown:
Strawberry Fields Forever - The Beatles (i guess i could see this)

In Terms of Love - SheDaisy

La Vie Boheme - Rent Cast

Getting Back Together:
What Do I Do Now - SheDaisy (lots of shedaisy today, eh?)

Losing Your Virginity:
I'm Alive - Kenny Chesney

Angel - Sarah McLaughlan (one of my all time favorite songs by one of my favorite artists, but probably not a good wedding song.)

Birth of Child:
Don't Stop Me Now - Queen

Final Battle:
Revolution - The Beatles (this is a good one)

Death Scene:
Out Last Night - Kenny Chesney (must be a lighthearted death....due to a DUI or too much partying)

Funeral Song:
Imaginary - Evanescense (an angry funeral, but this is my depression music so i guess it works)

End Credits:
Absence of the Heart - Deana Carter

amazing how many kids songs i had to skip through on my can definitely tell i've got a toddler!
okay, your turn!


things have been bad lately. with the PTSD. with my depression. and now i've been diagnosed with bipolar II. i'm on new meds, which has been a pretty difficult adjustment. i've had some issues with my parents right in the middle of this which makes things so much harder. i am so glad that i have my husband, who is so supportive and loving. i don't know what i'd do without him. and my siblings, and my in-laws, who have also been so supportive. my parents try, i know they do, but it just doesn't work out. thanks for all the support you all have given me, as well.

my therapist thinks that i was pushing myself too hard in therapy, too fast, and it just got too much to handle. she's got me backing off the workbook for a bit and she wants me to see a therapist who does EMDR. she thinks that will help get rid of a lot of the traumatic feelings i still have associated with the abuse so that i can move forward. anyone have good experiences with that?

anyway. i've got to stop dwelling on this right now. so expect a stupid frivolous post coming up next.

blog carnival and expressive arts carnival

i did get a post in to the blog carnival this month. it's up over at treating trauma in chicago, dr. kathleen young's blog. go check it out.

and unforunately i wasn't able to participate in the second edition of the expressive arts carnival. there are some beautiful submissions though, so go check it out at paul's blog mind parts.

Monday, July 19, 2010

i am really struggling right now.

i could use all the prayers and good vibes i can get.

i had an extremely close call...have been put on new meds, diagnosed with bipolar II disorder on top of the PTSD. hopefully new meds will start working soon and i can be somewhat normal again.

hoping i'll be up to posting again soon.

Friday, July 9, 2010

under the layers

yesterday i posted a letter to my baby girl. and reread the letter i wrote to my baby boy.

it made me think.

would my mom have written me a letter like this? saying these same things? yes, i think she would. in fact...she did. i have a stack of letters my parents wrote to me, starting during my mom's pregnancy up until i was two. all of them telling me how much they loved me, what a beautiful baby i was, and that they only wanted the best for me. i started out innocent, a precious baby just like everyone else.

somewhere along the way something got in the way of that. i was abused. i became angry, depressed, lost, full of hurt and pain--trying to survive, inflicting pain on those around me because i couldn't deal with it myself.

so does that change who i am, deep down, at the core? who i started this life as?

i suppose you could debate this. yes, and no. one thing that i've grown up learning about (but never really believing) is that i have a divine nature, that i am a child of God, and as such i have worth. that no matter what choices i make, God still loves me and i am still worth something.

i don't know the last time i really, truly believed that i was worth something.

but here's the confusion, i guess. no matter what my children go through, no matter what they choose to do, i will love them. they will still be my children, my babies, pieces of me. no matter what life brings, or how they react to that, they will always be who they are right now. it may become hidden, muddled, covered up, confused...but will who they are at the core ever change? i don't think so. my little buddy will always be my sweet little boy, giving his sister hugs and kisses, saying "a boo boo, mommy" (translation: i love you), and lighting up when he sees his daddy. my princess will always be just that--my princess. my sweet girl, giving me hugs, blowing raspberries and grinning huge grins, reaching her chubby little fingers out toward me. how could that ever change? even as they learn and grow, how could the light in their eyes, the innocence and joy they find in such small things go away?

we all grow up. we all change. and, like i said, the innocence gets covered up. but even if it's covered up, it's still there. sometimes we have to go through hundreds, or thousands, of layers to get to it. layers of hurt, of pain, of bad choices, of the consequences of others' choices.

so why can't i see that in myself? why do i only see worthlessness in myself? why do i hate myself so much over something someone else chose to do? why did i respond to that with such hate and anger? why do i take that hate and anger out on the people who love me most?

i never want my children to lose their childlike joy and innocence. maybe that's impossible. it was for me. but even as adults, we can find that, can't we?

i just have to figure out where to look...and how to go about finding it.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

independence: a sort of poem

what does that word mean?
does it mean freedom?
does it mean solitude?
does it mean separation?

from hurt
from pain
from anger

finally alone with myself
without him lurking
in the corners and shadows of my head
in the background
always there,
never leaving,
always watching.

from what my life has become
from what i have become.
from what i do,
from what i feel.

from the ties that hold me back.
but not from him--
because he doesn't hold me back--
does he?
i think
i do.

my hurt
my habits
my pain
my out of control
my depression
my fear

this is dependence.
dependence on the pain...
who am i without it?
for so long it has ruled me
ruled my life
ruled my thoughts
ruled my emotions
am i lost without it?

no. not lost.
i am found without it.


i'm searching for you.
searching for freedom
searching for ME.


written for the july blog carnival against child abuse

dear princess,

you are nine months old now. it's hard to believe it has been nine months since the day we brought you home from the hospital. nine months of watching you grow, watching your little personality emerge. every day i marvel at your tiny fingers and toes, your wide blue eyes and the way your grin melts my heart.

when your big brother was nine months old, i wrote him a letter, sharing a few things with him. i want to do the same for you.

you are such a determined little girl! you are so proud of your crawling abilities that you will go over or under anything in your way--including people, the rungs under chairs and the coffee table, toys, and i think you tried going over the cat once. i just love this determination. but when you're determined to get to something you shouldn't be playing with, mommy wishes you knew how to stay put.

we are all aware when you are unhappy. the high pitched screeching, while adorable when you're excited about something, is not so adorable when i'm trying to take something inedible out of your mouth.

speaking of inedible things in your are a list of things you should not eat, although you have tried. stickers, plastic wrappers, covers for daddy's razors, your brother's underwear, the toilet seat (GROSS!), three-day-old dried up macaroni off the kitchen floor, shoes, poker chips, pieces of paper, electrical cords, bars of soap, crayons, cat food, and the CO detectors. just to name a few. some of these things about give mommy a heart attack.

mommy loves that you can feed yourself, but mommy doesn't love having to scrape half-chewed (or rather gummed) crackers out of your mouth because you put too many in there. i promise they won't run away from you if you only eat one at a time.

i know that chewing on things helps those poor little aching gums when you're teething. mommy's toes, daddy's ears, and the nose belonging to anyone within reach of your little mouth aren't teethers, though. it is acceptable to chew on the pink plastic duck, though, although i'm sure it's not as fun.

how lucky are you to have a big brother that adores you! even when you pull his hair, take his toys, chew up his books and kick him in the face he loves you and begs mommy to put you on the floor. you love him, too. daddy and mommy were talking just last night about how much we hope the two of you get along with each other the way you do now for the rest of your lives. nothing would make us happier.

even though you get frustrated when you pull yourself up on the table and can't walk anywhere, it's okay. mommy is in no rush to be chasing after you as you run from room to room training toilet paper behind you or taking off because you've got something in your hands you're not supposed to have....oh wait. you already do that....just on your hands and knees. and i'm pretty sure that you can go as fast on your knees as you could on your feet, my little speed racer!

kitties don't like hair being pulled. mommy doesn't either. and daddy sure doesn't...but feel free to pull the hair on your teddy bear whenever you'd like! maybe you could take a break from chewing on its face.

your third and fourth teeth finally came in, hooray! instead of getting your two front teeth, you got the side ones instead. you are just mommy's adorable little vampire baby.

you know how to make my heart melt. one moment you're screaming in my face because you're unhappy about something (you're such a diva!), and the next moment you've got your little head resting on my shoulder, your tiny hand patting my back. you know how to work it, don't you!

i am really looking forward to not only the next nine months...or the next nine years...but maybe even the next nine decades with you. (that would make me pretty old, but hey, it could happen!) you are my precious baby girl and i love you so much. the journey we have taken together has only just begun. your daddy, your brother and i are so grateful to have you as a part of our lives. we look forward to watching you grow and learn even more.

never forget what a perfect and beautiful girl you are, no matter what life throws at you. we will always be here to love you, to support you, to help you and teach you.



Tuesday, July 6, 2010

blah blah blah and blogs

i had all these great intentions of writing several posts today, including a submission for the july blog carnival and setting them to post automatically. i had a bunch of ideas (which have all flown out of my head at the moment) and i'm pretty sure they were great ones, too.

but then i somehow ended up having a mood swing and now i'm depressed and craving coke and a giant bag of hershey's bliss chocolates so that i can sit in my bed and eat the whole thing and watch a sappy movie that of course will make me cry. maybe romeo and juliet...i've been wanting to watch it again for awhile.

on the plus side i went running again this morning for the first time in far too long. my therapist told me to start exercising, i've told myself to start exercising, i know my psychiatrist would tell me to and anyone with any kind of sense would as well. so i ran/walked about 2 1/4 miles. i lost major steam at the end but i did it in about 33 minutes, not bad considering i was pushing a stroller with both my kids in it, i'm really out of shape, and i got winded.

because i love you all as well i'm going to share a few of the blogs i've been enjoying reading lately.

jia has been writing her life's story on her blog and i'm enthralled--can't wait for the next one to post! plus she's hilarious and i love her sense of humor.

foxy pink cheetah always makes me laugh and also posts things that really make me think about my religion and how her experiences are similar to people that i really love and want to understand.

i also love reading paula's blog, she's out on a big trip right now but you can read her archives!

then there's kaitlyn who happens to be one of my best friends in real-life. she needs to get her rear in gear and post on her blog. (love you, miss kaitlyn...)

and my sister, who is making me insanely jealous because she's in england right now. just went to scotland...and visited croatia and serbia. i think they have plans to visit italy and france too. someday she said she'll take me...

dallas, a friend of mine from high school who is also an artist. she posts her artwork (which is awesome) and pictures that are inspiring to her. i love looking at the posts she puts up.

miss eliza who pretty much rocks in every way.

mormon mommy blogs

my friend vanessa who makes me laugh so hard sometimes i pee my pants. drat those weakened muscles from having kids.

fmh, segullah, and the exponent

among others, but i think this is a good list for now.

so what do you read?

anyone have a bag of chocolate or a giant coke they want to donate?

Monday, July 5, 2010

the time line is finished

it's been awhile since i posted...things have been pretty busy.

i finished my timeline. i haven't measured the second roll but it's probably about as long as the first. surprisingly, the last six or so years were the hardest. i really had to push myself to finish. i had an easier time writing about the actual trauma experiences than i did writing about my adult years. i have a few theories as to why.

the happiest years were my junior and senior years of high school. i had great friends, a great counselor, and i was really working hard on myself and my recovery. i took the SOLE class which helped me immensely.

then i moved out of my parents house to start college. and i made a lot of stupid choices. i got a boyfriend who was in every way wrong for me. i was overwhelmed by school and didn't really show up to class often. i was put on academic warning, then academic probation. my depression got out of control. i stayed up all night and slept all day. i lost several jobs. i distanced myself from my family and from my religion--i stopped going to church as often, reading my scriptures, writing in my journal and praying as much as i had before. i stopped going to counseling. i was doing better so i stopped working.

i married my wonderful husband and shortly after our wedding got really sick. we dealt with my illness and financial struggles. we moved, i got pregnant, and my hormones went crazy--and from there my mental health has really done kind of a nose dive. my anxiety increased. i began having flashbacks and nightmares. i've changed meds several times. my anger and behavioral problems have increased.

it was so hard to look at how well i did, then how poorly i have been doing the last few years--partly due to my own choices. i can't help but wonder how i would be doing now had i made different choices, stayed in therapy, went to class and not wasted so much time with a boyfriend that pulled me down. i'll never know.

at this point all i can do is learn from it, try to make my future better than my past. i'm in counseling and doing the homework she gives me. i'm far from perfect but i'm working harder to be better. i'm taking my meds every day and really paying attention to my behavior although i still feel out of control of it much of the time. and i also don't always see my negative behavior.

for awhile i was doing better. and i think a lot of it correlated with the fact that the nightmares stopped for a couple weeks. but the nightmares have come back, and with it the depression, the sleeplessness, the anxiety, and the overreacting. how do i stop the nightmares? i wish i knew. i'm still writing them all down but i don't know what triggers them. my therapist has me keeping a "mood log" now too to see if how i feel during the day affects the nightmares. i guess we'll see if it correlates.

i am so ready for all of this to be over. i want to be happy. i want to get along with the people around me. i want to be a better person, wife, mother, daughter, friend. i want to move on with my life instead of living in fear and anxiety and depression. is it even possible? will i ever get there? how long is it going to take me?

happy fourth of july!

I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him. ~Abraham Lincoln

i hope you all had a great fourth of july---i love living in this beautiful country. the parades, the barbecues, the fireworks, and the joy and pride i feel for being an american.

god bless america!