independence: a sort of poem

what does that word mean?
"independence"?
does it mean freedom?
does it mean solitude?
does it mean separation?

separation
from hurt
from pain
from anger

solitude...
finally alone with myself
without him lurking
in the corners and shadows of my head
in the background
always there,
never leaving,
always watching.

freedom
from what my life has become
from what i have become.
from what i do,
from what i feel.

freedom
from the ties that hold me back.
but not from him--
because he doesn't hold me back--
does he?
i think
i do.


my hurt
my habits
my pain
my out of control
my depression
my fear

this is dependence.
dependence on the pain...
who am i without it?
for so long it has ruled me
ruled my life
ruled my thoughts
ruled my emotions
am i lost without it?

no. not lost.
found.
i am found without it.

independence.

i'm searching for you.
searching for freedom
searching for ME.

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written for the july blog carnival against child abuse