a chapter closing

it has been nearly four months since my last post. it's not because nothing has been going on, but rather because i haven't known what to say. the culmination of the last four months--and, in fact, the past twelve years--came just last week. i confronted my abuser in person and forgave him.

i have been seeing a therapist on a regular basis and have been doing EMDR with her. this has had an amazing effect on me. the nightmares stopped. the flashbacks stopped. thinking about my past and the abuse no longer gave me panic attacks, caused fear or anger. i was able to let the anger toward him go. i have been much happier and much less volatile.

i have also been put on hormone therapy, which has helped immensely. i don't have such drastic mood swings and my depression has been better overall. i have had more energy and don't lose control of my emotions nearly as often.

i have had little to no contact with my parents. this has been extremely difficult for me but i believe it has been for the best. i have separated myself from the dysfunction of our realtionship. i still want so badly to try to repair the relationship but in spite of my willingness to do so, my parents have all but refused to alter their method of communication and won't listen to my feelings. i don't know how much longer this will last. i still feel ostracized and cut out of the family. part of this is my doing, i know--but to be frankly honest i felt that way even when i was communicating with them on a regular basis.

approximately two months ago i was visiting my grandmother in the hospital. she has been sick for quite some time; several years, in fact. when i arrived i found my uncle (my abuser) was there. this was the first time i had encountered him since i had done the EMDR work with my therapist. when i saw him, and knew he was there, i was able to remain calm and relatively unaffected by the situation. i left the hospital feeling happier than i had in a long time, proud of myself for my progress and relief at the fact that the fear and anxiety were no longer attached to his memory or presence.

just over a week ago our family had a devastating blow...my grandmother passed away. i have been struggling so much with her death. yesterday is the first day i have not cried since her passing...and even then i had to fight the tears. i cannot go into any more detail than this because i am sure i will lose it again. i was very close to her and i am sure it will take a long time for me to recover from the loss, to lose the ache in my chest every time i think of her.

last friday night was her viewing. i spent all week in agony, anticipating the viewing and funeral. i was so anxious, i didn't think i would be able to handle it. once there i did better than i had expected. i cried--a lot--but i didn't go into hysterics. of course my uncle was there, standing with my dad and his siblings and my grandfather, next to the casket. i avoided him through much of the viewing. but just before we left, i gathered the courage to talk to him for the first time since i was thirteen.

i felt safe knowing that i was surrounded by many people who loved me. my husband was there. he has been so strong for me, so supportive of me. i knew my grandmother would be proud of me. so i did it.

i told him that i forgave him. i told him that i would never be okay, that i would always struggle. i told him it had taken me a very long time to get to this point, but i had finally been able to forgive him.

he tried to touch my arm and i stepped back. he apologized and stepped back from me as well. he told me he was very sorry for what he did. he said that he had been through a lot of counseling, and that the therapy had helped him fix his life. he said that he tried to convey to me how sorry he was through my parents and others. he apologized to me probably five times. he thanked me for speaking to him. i told him thank you for the apology and i shook his hand. then i walked away.

through this entire interaction, which lasted five minutes at the most, i had nothing worse than butterflies in my stomach. afterward i was amazed at the way i was able to maintain my calm. i didn't feel threatened or afraid. it was an impromptu confrontation but i am very glad that i did it. i left the viewing with a mixture of devastation for the loss of my grandmother and euphoria for my ability to confront my uncle.

the next day at the funeral i did not look at him or speak to him, and he still stayed away from me. but knowing that i was finally strong enough to be in the same room as he without being affected was a huge relief.

my interaction with my parents over the course of the last week--at the hospital the day my grandmother passed, in several phone calls with my dad, at the viewing and at the funeral--were overall positive. i maintained some distance for my own emotional well-being (i had enough to deal with) but was able to hug them and cry with them. i believe they enjoyed interacting with my children. i am hopeful that things will eventually be able to change between us--but as of yet i am not holding my breath. i love my parents dearly but i need to hold on to my new found strength, to continue to stand up for myself and my well-being, to maintain emotional stability.

this journey from abuse to healing has taken me much of my life. i have an odd sense of pride in myself, of freedom. this is a very unusual feeling for me. self-loathing, anger and fear have been my constant companions for as long as i can remember. i still have a long way to go as far as my self-esteem is concerned, and as my communication with others goes, but i believe i am on my way. this blog has been a large part of my healing. the ability to share my feelings and thoughts, to connect to others who have been through what i have, to learn from and help other abuse victims has been empowering. i don't know if i will be posting here again. perhaps i will, but this chapter of my life is closing.

the image of the swallow is one that i drew. traditionally, sailors would have swallows tattooed on their bodies to represent their experience sailing--the number of miles they had traveled on the ocean. (one swallow for every 5,000 nautical miles.) it also represented hope for returning home, to safety, as birds are one of the first signs of land and a safe harbor. legend has it that if a sailor drowned at sea, the bird would alight upon his soul and carry it safely to heaven. swallows are also a symbol of freedom, loyalty and love.

this swallow is just that to me--a symbol of freedom, of hope, of a safe return. i am free from the chains of my abuse. i have hope for a better future. i have safely returned from the stormy waters of recovery. it is a symbol of healing, of love and support and loyalty from and for my family.

i wish all of you the same peace, recovery and happiness that i am beginning to find.

happy thanksgiving

i hope you all have a great thanksgiving full of lots of laughter, love, and yummy food!

this year i am so incredibly grateful for my family--my supportive husband and beautiful children. i would be nothing without them.

i am grateful for a home to live in, food to eat, a car to drive, clothing to wear, heat, indoor plumbing, electricity and all of the little things that i usually take for granted.

i am thankful for my friends.

i am thankful for medical care, therapy and medication that is slowly putting my life back in order.

i am thankful for pretty flowers, christmas lights, good smelling candles, fires in our fireplace, the sound of laughter and my piano. i am thankful for the ability to see, hear, taste, touch and feel. i am thankful for the sunlight, good books to read and the many wonders of my iphone. i am thankful for HD TV, cable, the radio, and the library.

most of all, i am thankful for my hubby's hard work, integrity and love for me and our children. i am thankful for the smiles, kisses, and "i love you"s that i get from my babies.

turn it off...please!

i wish i had an on/off switch for my emotions. i think life would be so much easier. unfortunately i am one of those people who tends to be ruled by emotions (much to the frustration of my husband.)

last night was a hard night. yesterday a hard day. i have been doing pretty well at sticking to my guns when it comes to my interactions with my parents--until yesterday morning. my youngest sister (of whom i am SO proud) had her volleyball banquet last night. at the banquet she signed her contract for a scholarship to play volleyball at one of the best universities in the nation--a PAC-10 university. my mom called me to tell me about it and the first thing she said to me in the voicemail (since i don't answer the phone from her anymore, for this reason) was a very sarcastic "it sure would be nice to talk to you, cornnut." proceeded by a message detailing that the signing was to be that night and i needed to call her back RIGHT AWAY if i wanted to be on the banquet list.

seeing as i was scheduled to work i originally told her no, and that i didn't appreciate her tone of voice via text. i then was able to arrange someone to cover my shift so i called her to tell her that i would be attending. what i got (of course) was her voice raised, an extremely rude and accusatory tone of voice, and she hung up on me--twice. an argument over the way she speaks to me, and she still was rude. (i later found out she thought i was upset about the short notice because i had said it would be nice to have prior notice, which she did not have, so how could i blame her for that? it would have been nice to have, that's all. and she thinks I take things personally. well that's not what i was upset about, i assure you.) i tried very hard to keep my cool but ended up losing it, as i usually do when emotions are high. after inviting me she told me i was no longer invited because i would "cause a scene." (of the two of us, she is much more likely to cause a scene.) i told her it was my sister's decision to make, not hers, so i called my sister and asked her if she'd like me to attend or not in a voicemail. all this happened at 9 am.

by 3:30 pm i still hadn't heard from my sister. i called her and was able to speak to her. she told me she would like me to come but it was my decision. so i attended. my mother did not speak to me, and i did not speak to her. my father spoke to me briefly, to tell me they had paid for dinner for me (although my mother had previously told me they would not pay for dinner for me because of my attitude) and there was a spot at their table. i refused to sit with them on the grounds of the argument i'd had with my mom, the fact that i was barely keeping back tears, and i did not want to ruin my sister's night. so i chose to sit in the back corner in the dark by myself. i told my dad thank you, i appreciated it, but no.

so throughout the evening i faced the consequences of my choices. i was alone, separated from my entire family while they sat together and ate and laughed and enjoyed the evening. at one point my youngest sister brought me a plate of food which was extremely kind of her. i sat through the program and awards and cried, i was so proud of my sister, and so sad i wasn't part of it. they read off a list of her awards and accomplishments. it was a pretty long list, seeing as she is one of the best high school players in the nation, has been to nationals (and took bronze), and more. the awards she won on her team included "most likely to have her jersey retired from the high school," as well as statistical awards including "most digs," "most kills," "most blocks," and "most aces." the only statistical award she didn't place first in was "most assists" and that's because she's not a setter. the team also voter her as the winner of "the rock" award which essential means she is the rock of the team, the one they all rely on.

after the program ended and she officially became a college player, i left immediately. i gave her a hug and told her i was proud of her and hightailed it out of there...where i cried nearly the whole way home (about half an hour) and cried myself to sleep.

i feel like i am finally standing up for myself, i am no longer putting up with the manipulation and emotional abuse i receive from my mother. the result is being separated from my family--more so than i ever was. as a kid i was the one who fought back and the result was being separated. as an adult i fought back, same thing--and it is always my fault, my problem, my issue, they never make mistakes or do anything wrong, they have zero responsibility in it. all i've asked for is acknowledgment of their mistakes and validation of my feelings. instead i get anger and even more blame. how frustrating and even humiliating.

i'm so sick of the drama i can't even begin to tell you. but this time i'm not backing down. i've told them it is their choice. their choice to validate me, or their choice for me to stay away. obviously they have made their choice, and i have made mine, and now we all have to live with the consequences.

and if anyone is going to leave comments defending my parents, don't bother. i don't want to hear it. the fact is they are masters of manipulation and are really great at twisting reality.

the story of how a one cat family became a two cat family

saturday morning hubby and i took the kids to the local farmers' market. we love going to it and it was the last one of the season, so we headed out and spent a few hours walking around.

when we got home i had to race inside to use the facilities while hubby got the kids out of the car. as i came through the door, i tripped over something that moved. it was a cat. i assumed it was our cat (seeing as it was inside our house) and said something to the effect of, "get out of my way, cat!" and kept on running. well, the cat (that wasn't our cat) followed me into the bathroom. imagine my surprise as i looked down and saw this grey little kitten, about four months old, looking right back up at me.well by this time hubby and the kids made it through the door and they were just as surprised as i was by our little invader. the kids immediately wanted to pet the kitty. princess was giggling, buddy was in heaven, and hubby kept looking at me saying, "no. no. no. no!" eventually the kitten was put back outside, as it must have belonged to someone in our complex. it stayed, though. hubby gave it food and water to kind of see if it was really hungry, as an indicator of ownership. it wasn't, so we assumed someone was taking care of it. inside we went, cat stayed outside.

a few minutes later hubby walked past the door and the kitten was sitting out on our mat mewing to get back in. after some pouty faces on my end and a large sigh and a "fine" from hubby's end the kitten was let back into the house. the kids proceeded to poke, prod, pull tails and ears, and just all around abuse the poor kitten as only kids can do (in spite of the constant "be nice!" warnings from us). the kitten just sat there and took it. no retaliation, nothing. we were pretty surprised by it.

the next day i put up signs at the mailboxes in our complex saying we'd found a cat and if it belongs to anyone, please call. that night i received a phone call--a man who claimed the kitten, but if we wanted it we were more than happy to have it...his mom dumped it on him and he didn't really want it. it's even been neutered already, bonus for us.

so we took it. the kids are attached. i am attached. hubby is even attached (as he says, "i don't want to like this cat!" to me). the only one in our house not attached? our other cat--baby. we've had baby since we were dating, she's about seven or eight years old. mew (the kitten, named after a cat who has recently passed that belonged to hubby's parents) keeps trying to play with baby...and baby responds by hissing and running away. it's only been a few days, though, so i'm sure she'll get used to him soon.

as hubby said..."they say you don't pick your pet, your pet picks you" and how true it is. some random kitten that ran into the house after me one day has become the newest member of the family.

and that is the story of how we got a new kitten.

the best cake i ever made...

so as you know, my little princess turned one last saturday. and what would be better for a princess than a princess party? we decorated the whole house in pink and white streamers, pink and white balloons and princess decorations. she had a little fuzzy pink party hat that said "princess," her onesie said "little princess," and we got her a sparkly pink princess skirt. everything was pink, pink, pink.

but the thing that took the cake was the cake.

a few months ago i was meandering around wal-mart and came across this:

and said, "this is perfect!"

my mother in law decorates cakes and has taken a bunch of classes. so i asked her if she would help me since i know nothing about cake decorating and have never made a two tier cake let alone a two layer cake. she agreed so we spent way too many hours making the cake. i got the wrong kind of cream cheese so the first batch of frosting was ruined. (word of advice: don't use fat-free cream cheese for baking. yuck.) top tier was chocolate, bottom tier was devil's food on one layer and funfetti on the other. somehow my MIL knows how to make delicious cake, i can't make a boxed cake mix taste that good. filled with cream cheese frosting and voila.
next up, the decorating. this took several hours...we were up until about 1 am. the kit comes with the towers, windows, door and little cones for the top of the towers. they are all plain white plastic, so you do the decorating. here they are after i'd piped the purple around the little windows and stuck edible glitter on them.
the cones we smothered in purple frosting and rolled in the glitter.
then little white balls of cream cheese frosting, and leaves...
here is the cake after we'd put on the leaves and flowers plus the door and the front part. the rest had to wait until the day of the party or the towers would all tip over.
so skip ahead to the afternoon of the party. we stuck the towers on, put the cones on them and frosting-glued them to the cake.
and here is the finished product. isn't it amazing?

what a cake for a baby's first birthday! i was so proud of it! it was sad when we dismantled it.
but let me tell you, those chubby little hands sure loved digging around in it!


and it was delicious!

happy first birthday, princess

Today will soon be over
Tomorrow will arrive
Right now I’m going to hold you
Until you close your eyes

Words can’t always sum up
The feelings that I feel
So peaceful when you’re sleeping
I know you’ll hear me still

Singing ‘You are very special to me
And I am very special to you
I know that this is where I am meant to be
I’m glad that my baby is you’

Exactly what I wanted
Exactly who you are
I know we’ll work together
And we will reach the stars

Families stick together
And family lasts forever
Forever, that’s how long
I’ll love you

Singing "You are very special to me
And I am very special to you
I know that this is where I am meant to be
I’m glad that my baby is you"

I know this is where I am meant to be
I’m glad that my baby is you
(from baby signing time)

happy birthday to my baby girl...
i love you more than you will ever know.

love,
mommy

leaves are falling, falling down

it's that time of year again.

my FAVORITE time of year. the leaves are changing colors and falling off the trees. while it's still monstrously hot during the day, the mornings are cooler, the sun is coming up later and my house smells like delicious pumpkin pie. (gotta love scented candles!) our local mountains are turning more red, orange and yellow as we speak. and you know what else fall brings?

that's right, HALLOWEEN!
when the ghoulies and ghosties come out to play, when pumpkins with big grins and scary faces are lit up, bats and witches fly through the night air and tricks and treats abound. i am so excited i put up my halloween decorations more than a week ago. i made a new wreath out of fall leaves for my door and put up our halloween countdown that i made a few years ago. we even came up with our costumes--the kids and i are going to be bumblebees and hubby is going to be a beekeeper. my little bees are going to be so stinkin' adorable. i'm really looking forward to trick or treating this year too, because little buddy will really understand the concept! and he'll be able to actually say "trick or treat."

and what comes with halloween?
one of my most favorite movies of all time...the nightmare before christmas.

one of life's little thrills of joy.