Thursday, November 11, 2010

turn it off...please!

i wish i had an on/off switch for my emotions. i think life would be so much easier. unfortunately i am one of those people who tends to be ruled by emotions (much to the frustration of my husband.)

last night was a hard night. yesterday a hard day. i have been doing pretty well at sticking to my guns when it comes to my interactions with my parents--until yesterday morning. my youngest sister (of whom i am SO proud) had her volleyball banquet last night. at the banquet she signed her contract for a scholarship to play volleyball at one of the best universities in the nation--a PAC-10 university. my mom called me to tell me about it and the first thing she said to me in the voicemail (since i don't answer the phone from her anymore, for this reason) was a very sarcastic "it sure would be nice to talk to you, cornnut." proceeded by a message detailing that the signing was to be that night and i needed to call her back RIGHT AWAY if i wanted to be on the banquet list.

seeing as i was scheduled to work i originally told her no, and that i didn't appreciate her tone of voice via text. i then was able to arrange someone to cover my shift so i called her to tell her that i would be attending. what i got (of course) was her voice raised, an extremely rude and accusatory tone of voice, and she hung up on me--twice. an argument over the way she speaks to me, and she still was rude. (i later found out she thought i was upset about the short notice because i had said it would be nice to have prior notice, which she did not have, so how could i blame her for that? it would have been nice to have, that's all. and she thinks I take things personally. well that's not what i was upset about, i assure you.) i tried very hard to keep my cool but ended up losing it, as i usually do when emotions are high. after inviting me she told me i was no longer invited because i would "cause a scene." (of the two of us, she is much more likely to cause a scene.) i told her it was my sister's decision to make, not hers, so i called my sister and asked her if she'd like me to attend or not in a voicemail. all this happened at 9 am.

by 3:30 pm i still hadn't heard from my sister. i called her and was able to speak to her. she told me she would like me to come but it was my decision. so i attended. my mother did not speak to me, and i did not speak to her. my father spoke to me briefly, to tell me they had paid for dinner for me (although my mother had previously told me they would not pay for dinner for me because of my attitude) and there was a spot at their table. i refused to sit with them on the grounds of the argument i'd had with my mom, the fact that i was barely keeping back tears, and i did not want to ruin my sister's night. so i chose to sit in the back corner in the dark by myself. i told my dad thank you, i appreciated it, but no.

so throughout the evening i faced the consequences of my choices. i was alone, separated from my entire family while they sat together and ate and laughed and enjoyed the evening. at one point my youngest sister brought me a plate of food which was extremely kind of her. i sat through the program and awards and cried, i was so proud of my sister, and so sad i wasn't part of it. they read off a list of her awards and accomplishments. it was a pretty long list, seeing as she is one of the best high school players in the nation, has been to nationals (and took bronze), and more. the awards she won on her team included "most likely to have her jersey retired from the high school," as well as statistical awards including "most digs," "most kills," "most blocks," and "most aces." the only statistical award she didn't place first in was "most assists" and that's because she's not a setter. the team also voter her as the winner of "the rock" award which essential means she is the rock of the team, the one they all rely on.

after the program ended and she officially became a college player, i left immediately. i gave her a hug and told her i was proud of her and hightailed it out of there...where i cried nearly the whole way home (about half an hour) and cried myself to sleep.

i feel like i am finally standing up for myself, i am no longer putting up with the manipulation and emotional abuse i receive from my mother. the result is being separated from my family--more so than i ever was. as a kid i was the one who fought back and the result was being separated. as an adult i fought back, same thing--and it is always my fault, my problem, my issue, they never make mistakes or do anything wrong, they have zero responsibility in it. all i've asked for is acknowledgment of their mistakes and validation of my feelings. instead i get anger and even more blame. how frustrating and even humiliating.

i'm so sick of the drama i can't even begin to tell you. but this time i'm not backing down. i've told them it is their choice. their choice to validate me, or their choice for me to stay away. obviously they have made their choice, and i have made mine, and now we all have to live with the consequences.

and if anyone is going to leave comments defending my parents, don't bother. i don't want to hear it. the fact is they are masters of manipulation and are really great at twisting reality.

4 comments:

spencer said...

I just wanted to tell you I love and support you.

Grammy Suzzy said...

I just want to say I am so very sorry.

Eliza said...

I knew your sis was good but I had no idea she was THAT good.

I'm sorry you weren't able to share in her joy.

Enola said...

Hang in there. It's tough when you start to stand up for yourself. But you are doing the right thing. Be proud.