wear blue on friday, april 17th!

as you all know, this month is child abuse awareness month. i'm sure many of you are wondering what you can do to promote awareness in your communities. here is a great answer: wear blue!

this friday, april 17, is "wear blue to work day." if you don't work, wear blue at home. wear it to the grocery store. wear it in bed. walk down the street in a bright blue shirt. if you can't wear blue because you have to wear a uniform to work, wear a blue ribbon. make sure to tell people why you have chosen to wear blue.

get your friends, your family, your coworkers, everyone you know to commit to wearing blue on friday as well. the first step to stopping child abuse is taking a stand, and letting others know what's going on. the simple act of wearing a blue shirt and telling someone about it spreads the awareness of our cause.

so leave a comment, let me know you'll be wearing blue. show support for our children, for our silent victims. blog about it to let your readers know about this important cause. feel free to copy the picture above to put in your posts.

we CAN make a difference, one person, one child, at a time!

national child abuse prevention month

april is national child abuse prevention month. i realize it is a little way into the month and i apologize for posting this late. but regardless of what day or month it is, it is important for all of us to recognize the abuse that happens on a daily basis, all around us, and do everything we can to stop it and prevent it. blog about it. join awareness groups. tell your friends. spread the word. if we all get involved, we can make amazing progress.

happy easter!

tomorrow is easter.

i know that for a lot of survivors of child abuse, holidays can be really bad. full of triggers, and hard to deal with.

i am so lucky in the fact that i don't have that. i don't really remember any abuse taking place on a holiday, although i guarantee that most of those holidays (at least before the age of 10) were spent in the company of my extended family, and therefore my abuser. holidays are a fun thing for me, not a day full offlashbacks and triggers. for those of you who have a hard time with holidays....i'm sorry. i wish i could take it all away from you.

yesterday we went to my in-laws to dye hard boiled eggs. today we will be doing little buddy's easter with his basket and egg hunt once hubby gets home from work because tomorrow we will be going to my parents' for dinner.

even though it's fun to dye eggs, and fill them with candy, and go for easter egg hunts is so fun, it's important (at least to me) to remember why we have easter. on easter, Jesus Christ was resurrected, rising from the dead to overcome mortality. i believe that this really happened.

from the first presidency's easter message (of the LDS chuch):

At this Easter season of hope and renewal we testify of the glorious reality of the atonement and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ. The empty tomb brought comforting assurance and provided the answer to the question of Job, “If a man die, shall he live again?” (Job 14:14).

Because of the Savior’s resurrection we will overcome death and become the beneficiaries of His mercy and grace. In a world of trouble and uncertainty, His peace fills our hearts and eases our minds. Jesus is in very deed “the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6).

We give our sure witness that Jesus is the Christ. Though He was crucified, He rose triumphant from the tomb to our everlasting blessing and benefit. To each member of the human family He stands as our Advocate, our Savior, and our Friend.

inadequacy

i don't even know how to describe what i'm feeling right now. frustrated....hurt...numb. numb is a good one. like i am so tired of the emotions rolling around inside of me creating chaos. so i just want to shut it all off and push it into a corner of myself and forget it's there. unfortunately that doesn't work too well, especially with me.

i'm listening to my cat snore and my son breathe. he is taking a nap, i have the monitor next to me. every once in awhile he will shift his weight and adjust his position, then sigh. i can't believe how perfect he is, how beautiful he is, how blessed i am to have him. and i feel so inadequate. why would god send me such a wonderful child when i don't feel capable of being a good enough mother to him?

i feel less than capable a lot lately. i feel like a failure as a wife. i am constantly saying and doing stupid things to hurt my husband's feelings. i'm not supportive enough, i don't give him enough attention. i create more problems than i solve. often i sit and wonder why he is still here putting up with me. i wonder if one day he will just get fed up enough by being hurt by me and not come home. like he'll wake up and realize that there's got to be someone out there that will love him better than i can.

i feel damaged. i feel ruined. i feel....inadequate...like i was scarred so badly in my childhood i'm not worth anything as an adult. i have no business being a wife and a mother when i don't even know who i am or why i am here. how am i supposed to teach my children to love themselves when i don't love me?

Let It End With Me

This article, in the September 2001 Ensign, is from a woman who grew up in an abusive home. Her name has been withheld.

After an abusive upbringing, I was determined to stop the cycle of humiliation and violence.

When I was a child, our home was a battleground, rarely safe, rarely peaceful. Our family's daily interpersonal communication consisted mostly of ridicule, sarcasm, and criticism. Approval and warm feelings for each other were nonexistent, as were words of courtesy and apology. We did not listen or have discussions. Instead, we became proficient in arguing, fighting, name-calling, accusing, and faultfinding.

Looking back, I see that our family appeared healthy on the outside. Our parents served in Church callings, and we children were well behaved and knowledgeable. The rest of the world saw accomplished scholars, talented musicians, and capable artists. They did not know that each of us felt isolated and worthless. They could not see the shame and embarrassment our parents felt because we were not perfect. I never even considered telling anyone about our treatment at home, even when my mother dislocated my jaw by hitting me.

In our home, family prayers, family home evenings, and Church activity coexisted with physical violence and emotional battering. Upon arriving home from church, it was common for everyone from oldest to youngest to receive a sound thrashing. How could a family live such a paradox?

Despite my difficult upbringing, I had a testimony and made it my goal to rear a righteous family in the gospel. As a young wife and mother, I diligently did everything I knew to reach my goal, but it was difficult. Something was missing. I often found myself feeling impatient and critical toward my husband and children. It seemed I could never remember in time to stop my harsh words or refrain from striking a child. I felt guilty and unhappy with myself.

As my married life continued, I increasingly sought out positive influences. My sweet, patient mother-in-law became my role model, and I tried hard to emulate her. I read the scriptures daily, and, as I became more acquainted with them, my desire to be like the Savior grew stronger. Occasionally, I would experience the sweet feelings of the Holy Spirit. I yearned to feel its influence constantly, but I couldn't. The contrast between being with and being without the Spirit became more obvious to me.

One Sunday in Relief Society, the lesson was about becoming more Christ like. My desire to become better had become intense. When our teacher gave us personal questionnaires designed to get us thinking about how we could become more Christ like, I took it home, determined to complete it. The first two columns were easy to fill out -- a list of things I wanted to change in myself and then a list of specific courses of action to make those changes. But when I tried to tackle the last column, the struggle began. I had to list my strengths and good points, and I honestly could not think of any. Tears flowed and frustration mounted as guilt surrounded me. I prayed urgently for help, and finally I talked to my husband. He reminded me of some of my strengths, but I could hardly hear his encouraging words as the battle raged inside me. Conflicts about myself tormented me. It was several days before I could face that handout again. Yet in spite of my insecurities and fears, I was determined to be open and honest, no matter how much it hurt. As I struggled to think of my strengths, the realization that I was Heavenly Father's child suddenly surfaced and calmed my pain and tears. I realized that as a child of God I must have inherited some positive characteristics from Him. My pencil began to haltingly fill out that final column, and with the Lord's help I finished it. It was a major victory for me!

As the years unfolded, my husband was my guide as he constantly encouraged, taught, and loved me. We worked together to create order and promote harmony in our home. I was a willing but slow student because many of the gospel's teachings were foreign to my experience. For example, I had to learn to recognize and accept kindness before I could become kind inside. In the scriptures I read that "the Lord God hath given a commandment that ll men should have charity, which charity is love. And except they should have charity they were nothing" (2 Ne. 26:30). As I thought about having the pure love of Christ in my heart and life, I realized that obtaining charity is a journey and that I was finally, consciously, embarking upon it.

I believe that my desire to be obedient to the Lord was one of my greatest gifts as I went through my soul-wrenching changes. Though my understanding was limited at first, I feel like I was blessed simply because I was trying so hard. It seemed that as soon as I learned one lesson, other lessons came as quickly as I could handle them. I knew I couldn't do it myself and humbly admitted that to the Lord and begged for His help. He tender mercies showered me. Help came in unexpected ways, and I began to recognize the Lord's hand in all things. Hungrily I partook of the scriptures, books, tapes, lectures, classes, and anything else I could find that gave me positive information and assistance. When I went for some professional therapy, I made some major behavioral leaps.

Gradually I was able to replace old attitude and habits. I began to love myself. Peace came even through my struggles. Slowly, as I became more loving and gentle, I could feel everyone in our home following my example. As my self-control has improved, I find that I am enjoying being a mother and feeling the Holy Spirit in our home.

It feels marvelous to know that one of the blessings of my repentance, and of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, is to have a home that is safe and peaceful. And now as a parent, I can say that our home is not a battleground.

Cornnut is an art lover and an advocate for child abuse prevention.
She loves being a wife and a mother. Check out her personal blog, Picture of Experience .

return home

i'm back from our little trip. the funeral was very nice, and it was good to see some of hubby's family that we rarely get to see. it was freezing cold, though, and really windy, which was too bad because the graveside service was really short because of it. little buddy got an adorable new suit to wear. everyone just adored him. i mean, how could they not? he is the cutest baby in the world. (even though i'm biased it's still the truth. :) ) i was surprised at how well he did on the trip. it's about a three hour drive. the way up he stayed awake and was really good until the last 45 minutes or so, when i think he was getting sore from being in the carseat for so long. we stopped and let him walk around for about 15 minutes and then he was great. the way home he slept the entire time. we purposefully had him miss his morning nap so he would sleep in the car.

although it was nice to get away for a few days, stay in a hotel and have a little vacation, i am glad to be home. little buddy had to sleep in our portable crib, and he didn't like it very much. it is smaller than his crib and when he tried to stretch out he couldn't. he slept much better last night than he has in a few days. he also won't sleep if he can see us, so we had to hang up a blanket between our bed and the crib using giant push pins. pretty much genius if you ask me, although it made our already small room much smaller. i do miss the cable tv, though. i watched reruns of project runway and man do i miss it. oh well, it saves us tons of money to have regular tv instead of paying for cable. we got to go swimming too, which was fun. i was slightly put out i could only put my legs in the hot tub (oh the joy of pregnancy!) but it was fun to see little buddy in his swimming suit. he didn't care for the pool too much but he had fun walking in circles around it.

poor hubby had to go back to work today. i know he enjoyed his week off with us. i enjoyed having him home, too. but it's back to the grind this week!

Becoming Whole Through Repentance

As a victim healing from abuse, what role can repentance play in the healing process? Have I taken the steps needed to repent of wrongs and sins in my life?

"Repentance involves recognition of our imperfections, remorse for having strayed, restitution where appropriate, and resolve that the transgression will never be repeated." Royden Derrick, Ensign, May 1989

In the process of healing we often turn our thoughts to those who have wronged and hurt us. It is easy to pint our finger in blame towards those who sin against us, yet we sometimes fail to recognize our own faults and misdeeds.

The healing process requires that we not only forgive others, but that we also take a careful moral inventory of ourselves. When we see a need to repent, we must take the necessary action to correct our mistakes. If left unchecked our sins will grow and become bitter pains in our thoughts and in our hearts. "Sin is like cancer in the body. It will never heal itself. It will become progressively worse unless cured through the medicine of repentance. You can be made completely whole, new, purified, and clean every whit, through the miracle of repentance." (Richard G. Scott, Ensigh, May 1986)

In April Conference 1986, Elder Richard G. Scott said the following. "If you, through poor judgment, were to cover your shoes with mud, would you leave them that way? Of course not. You would cleanse and restore them. Would you then gather the residue of the mud and place it in an envelope to show others the mistake that you made? No. Neither should you continue to relive forgiven sin. Every time such thoughts come into your mind, turn your heart in gratitude to the Savior, who gave His life that we, through faith in Him and obedience to His teachings, can overcome transgression and conquer its depressing influence in our lives." (Ensigh, May 1986)

As abuse victims, we often have poor models for behavior growing up. We have a lot of psychological trauma that permeates every aspect of our lives. Many times we do not know how to handle certain situations appropriately, and often our thoughts and behaviors are negative toward ourselves and others. Because of the hurt we have been through, we hurt others--intentionally or not. Many abuse victims turn to drugs, alcohol, violence, and other addicting behaviors in an attempt to self-medicate the pain they deal with.

I have found that I have a number of things to work on. I have a lot of anger that stems from the abuse I endured. It is difficult to find an appropriate way to handle my hurt, anger, and frustration, and often I lash out at those I care about most. I also have the urge to run away from my problems. When I feel I cannot handle a tough situation, I want to crawl in bed and hide--or get as far away from it as possible. In the process I have hurt many people, most of all my husband, my parents, and my siblings. It is a daily struggle for me to overcome the negative habits I have learned. They are so deep-rooted within me I sometimes feel I can never change.

But like Elder Scott said, sin is like cancer. And, like the process of healing from cancer, it can be very long, frustrating, and painful. There may be relapses. But with the help of the Savior we can be made whole, and send our cancer into remission.

I know that it is possible to change. There have been many things I have learned to change over the long years of repentance. It may take a lifetime and beyond to completely remove the negative effects of abuse, but it is possible.