i don't even know how to describe what i'm feeling right now. frustrated....hurt...numb. numb is a good one. like i am so tired of the emotions rolling around inside of me creating chaos. so i just want to shut it all off and push it into a corner of myself and forget it's there. unfortunately that doesn't work too well, especially with me.
i'm listening to my cat snore and my son breathe. he is taking a nap, i have the monitor next to me. every once in awhile he will shift his weight and adjust his position, then sigh. i can't believe how perfect he is, how beautiful he is, how blessed i am to have him. and i feel so inadequate. why would god send me such a wonderful child when i don't feel capable of being a good enough mother to him?
i feel less than capable a lot lately. i feel like a failure as a wife. i am constantly saying and doing stupid things to hurt my husband's feelings. i'm not supportive enough, i don't give him enough attention. i create more problems than i solve. often i sit and wonder why he is still here putting up with me. i wonder if one day he will just get fed up enough by being hurt by me and not come home. like he'll wake up and realize that there's got to be someone out there that will love him better than i can.
i feel damaged. i feel ruined. i feel....inadequate...like i was scarred so badly in my childhood i'm not worth anything as an adult. i have no business being a wife and a mother when i don't even know who i am or why i am here. how am i supposed to teach my children to love themselves when i don't love me?