missing you

two years ago today my grandma passed away.

i miss her every single day.

i love you, grandma.

a chapter closing

it has been nearly four months since my last post. it's not because nothing has been going on, but rather because i haven't known what to say. the culmination of the last four months--and, in fact, the past twelve years--came just last week. i confronted my abuser in person and forgave him.

i have been seeing a therapist on a regular basis and have been doing EMDR with her. this has had an amazing effect on me. the nightmares stopped. the flashbacks stopped. thinking about my past and the abuse no longer gave me panic attacks, caused fear or anger. i was able to let the anger toward him go. i have been much happier and much less volatile.

i have also been put on hormone therapy, which has helped immensely. i don't have such drastic mood swings and my depression has been better overall. i have had more energy and don't lose control of my emotions nearly as often.

i have had little to no contact with my parents. this has been extremely difficult for me but i believe it has been for the best. i have separated myself from the dysfunction of our realtionship. i still want so badly to try to repair the relationship but in spite of my willingness to do so, my parents have all but refused to alter their method of communication and won't listen to my feelings. i don't know how much longer this will last. i still feel ostracized and cut out of the family. part of this is my doing, i know--but to be frankly honest i felt that way even when i was communicating with them on a regular basis.

approximately two months ago i was visiting my grandmother in the hospital. she has been sick for quite some time; several years, in fact. when i arrived i found my uncle (my abuser) was there. this was the first time i had encountered him since i had done the EMDR work with my therapist. when i saw him, and knew he was there, i was able to remain calm and relatively unaffected by the situation. i left the hospital feeling happier than i had in a long time, proud of myself for my progress and relief at the fact that the fear and anxiety were no longer attached to his memory or presence.

just over a week ago our family had a devastating blow...my grandmother passed away. i have been struggling so much with her death. yesterday is the first day i have not cried since her passing...and even then i had to fight the tears. i cannot go into any more detail than this because i am sure i will lose it again. i was very close to her and i am sure it will take a long time for me to recover from the loss, to lose the ache in my chest every time i think of her.

last friday night was her viewing. i spent all week in agony, anticipating the viewing and funeral. i was so anxious, i didn't think i would be able to handle it. once there i did better than i had expected. i cried--a lot--but i didn't go into hysterics. of course my uncle was there, standing with my dad and his siblings and my grandfather, next to the casket. i avoided him through much of the viewing. but just before we left, i gathered the courage to talk to him for the first time since i was thirteen.

i felt safe knowing that i was surrounded by many people who loved me. my husband was there. he has been so strong for me, so supportive of me. i knew my grandmother would be proud of me. so i did it.

i told him that i forgave him. i told him that i would never be okay, that i would always struggle. i told him it had taken me a very long time to get to this point, but i had finally been able to forgive him.

he tried to touch my arm and i stepped back. he apologized and stepped back from me as well. he told me he was very sorry for what he did. he said that he had been through a lot of counseling, and that the therapy had helped him fix his life. he said that he tried to convey to me how sorry he was through my parents and others. he apologized to me probably five times. he thanked me for speaking to him. i told him thank you for the apology and i shook his hand. then i walked away.

through this entire interaction, which lasted five minutes at the most, i had nothing worse than butterflies in my stomach. afterward i was amazed at the way i was able to maintain my calm. i didn't feel threatened or afraid. it was an impromptu confrontation but i am very glad that i did it. i left the viewing with a mixture of devastation for the loss of my grandmother and euphoria for my ability to confront my uncle.

the next day at the funeral i did not look at him or speak to him, and he still stayed away from me. but knowing that i was finally strong enough to be in the same room as he without being affected was a huge relief.

my interaction with my parents over the course of the last week--at the hospital the day my grandmother passed, in several phone calls with my dad, at the viewing and at the funeral--were overall positive. i maintained some distance for my own emotional well-being (i had enough to deal with) but was able to hug them and cry with them. i believe they enjoyed interacting with my children. i am hopeful that things will eventually be able to change between us--but as of yet i am not holding my breath. i love my parents dearly but i need to hold on to my new found strength, to continue to stand up for myself and my well-being, to maintain emotional stability.

this journey from abuse to healing has taken me much of my life. i have an odd sense of pride in myself, of freedom. this is a very unusual feeling for me. self-loathing, anger and fear have been my constant companions for as long as i can remember. i still have a long way to go as far as my self-esteem is concerned, and as my communication with others goes, but i believe i am on my way. this blog has been a large part of my healing. the ability to share my feelings and thoughts, to connect to others who have been through what i have, to learn from and help other abuse victims has been empowering. i don't know if i will be posting here again. perhaps i will, but this chapter of my life is closing.

the image of the swallow is one that i drew. traditionally, sailors would have swallows tattooed on their bodies to represent their experience sailing--the number of miles they had traveled on the ocean. (one swallow for every 5,000 nautical miles.) it also represented hope for returning home, to safety, as birds are one of the first signs of land and a safe harbor. legend has it that if a sailor drowned at sea, the bird would alight upon his soul and carry it safely to heaven. swallows are also a symbol of freedom, loyalty and love.

this swallow is just that to me--a symbol of freedom, of hope, of a safe return. i am free from the chains of my abuse. i have hope for a better future. i have safely returned from the stormy waters of recovery. it is a symbol of healing, of love and support and loyalty from and for my family.

i wish all of you the same peace, recovery and happiness that i am beginning to find.

send me away with the words of a love song

this is such a beautiful song i wanted to share.

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a gone
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh


The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need 'em oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls



If I Die Young by the Band Perry

when i get where i'm going

the other night i was driving home from work, and i wasn't in the best of moods. far from it, in fact. i was thinking about death because i tend to do that when things get overwhelming--wondering if life is really worth it, what happens when we die, is death better than life? some would say it's unhealthy for me to think about death. not thoughts of suicide, but of what happens after we leave this life. some say that life, as we know it, is really hell. some days i definitely agree with that stance. other days, though, i think this is a pretty awesome hell if that's what it really is. as i was thinking thoughts along this line, one of my favorite songs came on the radio. one i haven't heard in a long time. as i sang along i really thought about the words.

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.



and you know what?

when i get there, whenever that may be, the first thing i'm going to do...

is spread my wings and fly.

when i get where i'm going, by brad paisley, featuring dolly parton

the funeral

today was grandma's funeral.

it was a beautiful service. the viewing was last night. she looked so...unnatural. i can't explain it. i think because even at 87 my grandma was always so full of life, so bright and animated, so...lit up. seeing her so still was just...wrong. and i don't think i've ever had that feeling before at a viewing, and i've been to several.

in spite of the fact that it was a funeral, i did enjoy it. it was fun to hear about my grandmother and her life. my dad played the piano, her favorite song: laura's theme from dr. zhivago. my great-aunt and uncle sang. all of her great-grandchildren (including me) sang. her children all spoke (with the exception of my grandmother, who was too sick, my aunt read a poem for her).

i was dreading the viewing, and the funeral. not because it is so sad that my grandmother has passed. but because i knew my uncle would be there. and i did not want to see him, to be anywhere near him. and yet...there is no way in HELL i would have missed being there.

he avoided me, and my husband. even visibly changing his path when he saw us coming his direction. but just being in the same room made me anxious. the thing that made me most upset is the fact that nearly everyone there (except my immediate family, parents and siblings, me and hubby) acted as if nothing had happened. my cousins were all around him, talking to him. it makes me sick. they all know what happened to me and my sister. they all know he's a convicted sex offender. and yet it seems as if they don't care that their small children are around him. it's so....invalidating. like no one cares about what i've been through, what he's put me through, what he's put the family through. i saw him holding his daughter and i ached inside. for her. i hope he hasn't touched her. i hope she will be okay. but who knows? and what on earth was his wife thinking, marrying and having children with a known pedophile? he was convicted while they were dating. apparently she didn't care considering they've got two kids together now.

i'm so glad that i had my hubby there. he is such a huge support to me. he took care of the kids who didn't want to sit still or be quiet so i could sit through the entire funeral services and listen. he ran after little buddy so i could talk to my family, many of whom i rarely see. (only at weddings, funerals, and the rare family reunion.) he was there for me when i needed him, and i felt much stronger being around my uncle because i knew he was there to protect me.

i am glad that is behind me. i am glad i can move forward, instead of living with the anxiety of knowing i have to be around him.

i have been wondering over the past week or so, what my grandma is thinking as she sees us from a different perspective now. i believe she is with my grandpa. and her other family and friends who have passed on. is she proud of me? would she be proud of what she sees? of who i am and what i am doing? i don't know. i know she wouldn't be proud of a lot of what i do. but i also know that she loves me no matter what. i want to make her proud. i want to make hubby proud. i want to make myself proud.

i have a lot of work to do. i just don't know where to begin. another appointment with my therapist tomorrow. we will be starting back into my abuse. i'm nervous. i'm anxious. i don't want to talk about this...but i want to. because i need to. i'm ready to put this behind me, to start fixing, REALLY fixing, my problems...taking care of my anger, growing and maturing emotionally.

wish me luck.

miss you...

i found out last night my great-grandmother is dying.

today i was told she is unresponsive, her kidneys shut down, and she is not expected to make it through the day.

while i am so sad and upset about this, it is also a blessing. the day before my wedding she was diagnosed with non-hodgkin's lymphoma. she has slowly been deteriorating. last time i saw her was at a bridal shower in november...and she couldn't remember my sisters' names.

her husband, my great-grandfather, passed away in february of 1997....just over thirteen years ago. i could not imagine living thirteen years past the death of my best friend and husband.

hubby and i were talking today about knowing grandparents. his grandparents have all passed but one, and didn't know any great-grandparents. i have been lucky enough to know five of my great-grandparents, one great-great grandmother, and all of my grandparents are still living. i regret that my daughter was unable to meet her great-great grandmother, but so glad that my son was able to--although he will not remember it.

i was the first great-grandchild. i have photos of me as a baby being held by my great-grandparents, as a child helping my great-grandfather blow out the candles on his 80th birthday cake. (they really did put 80 candles on that cake.) photos of my great-grandmother at my wedding. photos of five generations, of my great-grandmother holding my son as an infant. i know she loves me. and i love her. and i will miss her.

i am so glad that i believe what i do about life after death...that i will see her again. that she will be reunited with my great-grandpa, and my great-uncle eddie, her son that she lost so many years ago.

i love you grandma. i will miss you.

RIP Thor

Thor

? - May 6, 2009

hubby came downstairs this morning before work to find our new betta, thor, had gone on to fishy heaven. i came downstairs and found him in a tupperware on top of the tank (hubby leaves at an ungodly hour when i am still in bed). poor thor. hubby thinks he had some kind of a fungus based on the research he did online. i hope it's not something we did/didn't do with his tank. i'm so sad. :( hubby says we will figure out what went wrong and he will get me another one. i hope i don't kill the next one, too.

to top it all off yesterday my dad called to let me know my childhood cat (i got her when i was barely 11) is really sick. she is very old, and crabby, and has lost a lot of her teeth. they think they will have to put her down. they are taking her to the vet tomorrow. because she's so old if it isn't something simple (like meds) they won't try to prolong her life. this just kills me. i love that crabby old cat that hisses at you every time you walk by.

i'm not having much luck in the pet department lately. hopefully nothing happens to our dog or cat.