last week i attended my first session of group therapy and my first session of EMDR.
group was awesome. i went in feeling nervous, slightly anxious and apprehensive because i didn't know what to expect. turns out i left feeling much better. i really liked the therapist that runs it, and the other three women there were all women i felt i could relate to, although not all of them have been abused.
i then went to my first EMDR session on friday, with the same therapist who runs the group. i can't tell you how anxious i was going in to this session, with a therapist i barely knew. when i left i was in a state of disbelief--it really works! she had me think of a memory, my worst memory, and rate it on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being not disturbing at all, 10 being the most disturbing memory ever.) for me this was by far a 9 or 10. just thinking about it made me cry, shake, and my chest was tight, heart beating fast, started breathing quickly--very close a full-on panic attack. she didn't make me talk about it, just had me tell her how it made me feel. "terrified" was the word i chose--then she asked me where i felt it. in my chest. so she had me concentrate on the feeling while i watched her fingers go back and forth. when she was done it had gone from a 10 to about a 7. the feeling i got was now "disgusted" and i felt sick to my stomach. she did the EMDR again. it was down to about a five and i felt tense, right through my shoulders and my neck. again the EMDR and the memory was to a three. i felt it in the back of my throat, like there were words stuck there that i couldn't get out. more EMDR and the memory was to a two. i could think about it, remember it in detail, and i felt calm and rational. no panic. no physical pain. it was incredible. now several days later it is the same thing--this memory no longer gives me a panic attack. i can't wait to continue doing this to get rid of my past anxieties that still haunt me.
i have been feeling a lot better the past three or so days since the EMDR, and even since i went to group therapy and had a session with my regular therapist. especially since the crash i had after my stupid hypomanic phase last week. i am so glad that my husband and children are so great and supportive of me.
and, on a plus note, my husband's cousin got married on saturday. my mother and sister in law made this beautiful cake for their wedding dinner:
if you've ever seen the movie Steel Magnolias you will understand the hilarity of this armadillo cake. if you haven't seen it, go watch it. you will love it, i promise.