Thursday, August 5, 2010

i'm afraid of the dark

this thing called bipolar disorder really sucks.

i guess i never really paid a whole lot of attention to my mood swings prior to the diagnosis. but it's been obvious the past couple of weeks--and this last week i had a very obvious hypomanic phase.

hypomanic phases (from what i understand) suck worse than manic phases in the sense that you don't really get that high. i felt pretty good but it wasn't anything fantastic, it was more anxiety. i had this weird agitation going on in my chest that felt like i was going to explode at any in the alien movies. seriously. i couldn't sit still, and at one point i was shaking so bad i couldn't even fold the laundry. plus side, i cleaned my house. but i was so incapable of dealing with emotion that even the smallest argument with hubby led to me freaking out and running away yet again.

i hate losing control. i HATE it. i'm tired of not being in control of myself. like i can sit back and watch myself lose control of my thoughts, emotions and even physical reaction, while the sane part of me wants so desperately to stop it, but can't. the real me is just helpless, reaching out to restrain the disorder but it always slips through my fingers, just out of reach, and i want to scream out in frustration. i cause the people i love most so much pain, frustration, confusion and anger...and all because i love them. sounds twisted, right? it's the truth. i love them so much i think they deserve better than me so i push them away. i love them so much they are the ones capable of hurting me the worst, so i push them away before they have the chance to.

it really sucks.

at least i have the love and support of my husband. i'd be totally lost, and probably dead, without him. he's helping me get the therapy i need. i'm still seeing my therapist, i have a good med doc, and tomorrow i will be seeing a new therapist to start EMDR. i am also officially going to group therapy, a group for women. it's dialectical behavior therapy and will help me to learn new skills to change my thinking and behavior patterns that cause misery and suffering to myself and those around me. we learn new skills that help with mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotion regulation. these are all things i need MAJOR help with.

so...on i go into the journey of life with bipolar disorder. off into the darkness, the scary unknown, with very little--my husband holding my hand, my therapy "team" guiding me, my friends and family cheering me on. small glimpses of positive. hopefully the darkness will begin to lessen soon, because i'm afraid of the dark.

1 comment:

Paula said...

Dear, there is nothing I can say. I dont walk in your shoes. However scaryness in itself I am well acquainted with. I keep you in my thoughts and send you good vibes, my strength and energy - for now, till you have more of it yourself. Love across the pond.