Tuesday, August 25, 2009

happy anniversary

three years ago today,
my last name changed.

three years ago today,
i said "yes,"
the most important "yes" i would ever say.

three years ago today,
my best friend became my husband.

three years ago today,
we began our lives together.

three years ago today,
our eternity began.

i love you hubby....happy anniversary.

here's to the next three years,
the next thirty years,
the next three hundred years.

thank you for choosing me to be by your side!

Friday, August 21, 2009

parents and parenting themes in the blog carnival

i just finished reading all of the posts from this month's blog carnival against child abuse.

there were two in particular that really struck me, in light of the recent (and not so recent) issues i've had with my parents.

the first: a post from dr. kathleen young, a psychologist in chicago. her post called childhood wounds: understanding yourself in context really struck home. i think EVERYONE should read this, because everyone has issues because of their parents, some worse than others. also, as a parent, it really helped me to put my greatest fear in a little better context: screwing up my kids. like my husband says, we will screw up our kids--the goal is to do it as little as possible.

the second: a blog i've never read before, secret shadows. her post is called fortune cookie. her husband got a fortune that said: “Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but sometimes, playing a poor hand well.” she related this to both she and her husband coming from highly disfunctional families, but choosing to play their poor hands well and stopping the cycle for their own children. i need to keep this in mind for myself--i need to learn how to play a poor hand well. i know my hubby will appreciate this as he loves to play texas hold 'em....and he knows how to play a poor hand well. (me, on the other hand, everything is written all over my face and i really suck at the game.)

it's been a pretty inspiring night, with all of the great posts i've been reading. you should all go check out the blog carnival. it really is a good one.

august blog carnival against child abuse

it's up over at enola's blog. she has done a great job, even got me to submit this month....i've been a bit of a slacker the past few months. i would definitely recommend going to look at it and reading the submissions!

on a personal note: after talking to my OB and my baby's pediatrician, i'm going to be calling my psychiatrist and seeing about going back on the celexa. i think right now it's the best option...for everyone who has to be around me! :)

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

"like a madman in her moods"

wheel of fortune, by edward burne-jones

i go through periods of numbness, and periods where i feel everything....all at once. every ounce of negativity in the air around me seems to be sucked into my brain and saturates me with depression and despair.

the past few months have been months of numbness and ignorance when it comes to my abuse. partially because my depression has been pretty well under control, thanks to some great antidepressants. but now....i'm tapering off my meds now that i've got six weeks left before my baby is born. i'm dealing with fatigue and a complete lack of energy thanks to being pregnant and coming off my meds. and this just in: yet another fiasco involving my parents.

yesterday enola sent me an email and asked me if i would consider writing a post for this month's edition of the blog carnival against child abuse. i've been thinking about submitting anyway but haven't had anything to write. i still feel like i have nothing to say. but in thinking about it, that's part of this coping process that my brain has come up with. last january everything caught up with me and my life very nearly fell apart. thanks to the love and support of my husband and doctors i got it back together. i've gotten myself back into a state of being able to cope (mostly) with the after effects of the abuse. and....like so many times before....have become content, numb, whatever you want to call it, and pushed all of the garbage to the back of my mind. but how long until the floodgates burst again?

i'm not at the point where i'm going to lose it like i did at the beginning of this year. i have a doctor helping me with my meds that i like. hubby is concerned about what will happen now that i'm going off my meds. and for good reason. i'm an irrational, emotional basket case with a skewed sense of reality when i'm unmedicated. add to that the hormones of being 34 weeks pregnant and you've got a land mine. then add situational stress....i pity anyone who has to be around me right now, especially hubby.

so i'm trying to be extra aware of my behavior right now. i'm trying to be extra aware of my thoughts and trying to keep myself from spiraling down the depression slide into a black hole. hubby is also watching me closely.

so how long does this cycle last? i feel like i'm on that wheel of fortune, at the mercy of the goddess tyche, wondering if she will feel like spinning me around, wondering where i will end up....at the top? at the bottom? somewhere in the middle?

"He is a foolish mortal who thinks his luck secure and so rejoices; for Fortune, like a madman in her moods, springs towards this man, then towards that; and no one ever experiences the same unchanging luck."

(Euripides, Daughters of Troy, 1204.)

you can read more about tyche, the goddess of fortune, here

Thursday, August 6, 2009

nesting nesting

it has been nearly forever since i last posted. i'm online every day....and every day i have writer's block. i am getting closer and closer to my due date (only 7 1/2 weeks left!) and the closer i get, the stronger my nesting urges become. i think i've been nesting a lot more and for a lot longer than i did with my first pregnancy. so far i've made a baby blanket, five lace headbands with bows, and about 50 teeny tiny bows for the baby. i've cleaned, i've organized, i've cleaned, i've organized. i'm starting to work on these adorable binky charms (i found the pattern here) and got more ribbon to make more teeny tiny bows.

so i told you i'd post pictures of the baby's blanket once i got it finished. well, here they are!

and here's one of little buddy's:

didn't they turn out adorable? took forever....i did the cross stitch top, then used wonder under to fuse a flannel back to them, bound and tied them.