i go through periods of numbness, and periods where i feel everything....all at once. every ounce of negativity in the air around me seems to be sucked into my brain and saturates me with depression and despair.
the past few months have been months of numbness and ignorance when it comes to my abuse. partially because my depression has been pretty well under control, thanks to some great antidepressants. but now....i'm tapering off my meds now that i've got six weeks left before my baby is born. i'm dealing with fatigue and a complete lack of energy thanks to being pregnant and coming off my meds. and this just in: yet another fiasco involving my parents.
yesterday enola sent me an email and asked me if i would consider writing a post for this month's edition of the blog carnival against child abuse. i've been thinking about submitting anyway but haven't had anything to write. i still feel like i have nothing to say. but in thinking about it, that's part of this coping process that my brain has come up with. last january everything caught up with me and my life very nearly fell apart. thanks to the love and support of my husband and doctors i got it back together. i've gotten myself back into a state of being able to cope (mostly) with the after effects of the abuse. and....like so many times before....have become content, numb, whatever you want to call it, and pushed all of the garbage to the back of my mind. but how long until the floodgates burst again?
i'm not at the point where i'm going to lose it like i did at the beginning of this year. i have a doctor helping me with my meds that i like. hubby is concerned about what will happen now that i'm going off my meds. and for good reason. i'm an irrational, emotional basket case with a skewed sense of reality when i'm unmedicated. add to that the hormones of being 34 weeks pregnant and you've got a land mine. then add situational stress....i pity anyone who has to be around me right now, especially hubby.
so i'm trying to be extra aware of my behavior right now. i'm trying to be extra aware of my thoughts and trying to keep myself from spiraling down the depression slide into a black hole. hubby is also watching me closely.
so how long does this cycle last? i feel like i'm on that wheel of fortune, at the mercy of the goddess tyche, wondering if she will feel like spinning me around, wondering where i will end up....at the top? at the bottom? somewhere in the middle?
"He is a foolish mortal who thinks his luck secure and so rejoices; for Fortune, like a madman in her moods, springs towards this man, then towards that; and no one ever experiences the same unchanging luck."
(Euripides, Daughters of Troy, 1204.)
you can read more about tyche, the goddess of fortune, here