Wednesday, August 19, 2009

"like a madman in her moods"

wheel of fortune, by edward burne-jones

i go through periods of numbness, and periods where i feel everything....all at once. every ounce of negativity in the air around me seems to be sucked into my brain and saturates me with depression and despair.

the past few months have been months of numbness and ignorance when it comes to my abuse. partially because my depression has been pretty well under control, thanks to some great antidepressants. but now....i'm tapering off my meds now that i've got six weeks left before my baby is born. i'm dealing with fatigue and a complete lack of energy thanks to being pregnant and coming off my meds. and this just in: yet another fiasco involving my parents.

yesterday enola sent me an email and asked me if i would consider writing a post for this month's edition of the blog carnival against child abuse. i've been thinking about submitting anyway but haven't had anything to write. i still feel like i have nothing to say. but in thinking about it, that's part of this coping process that my brain has come up with. last january everything caught up with me and my life very nearly fell apart. thanks to the love and support of my husband and doctors i got it back together. i've gotten myself back into a state of being able to cope (mostly) with the after effects of the abuse. so many times before....have become content, numb, whatever you want to call it, and pushed all of the garbage to the back of my mind. but how long until the floodgates burst again?

i'm not at the point where i'm going to lose it like i did at the beginning of this year. i have a doctor helping me with my meds that i like. hubby is concerned about what will happen now that i'm going off my meds. and for good reason. i'm an irrational, emotional basket case with a skewed sense of reality when i'm unmedicated. add to that the hormones of being 34 weeks pregnant and you've got a land mine. then add situational stress....i pity anyone who has to be around me right now, especially hubby.

so i'm trying to be extra aware of my behavior right now. i'm trying to be extra aware of my thoughts and trying to keep myself from spiraling down the depression slide into a black hole. hubby is also watching me closely.

so how long does this cycle last? i feel like i'm on that wheel of fortune, at the mercy of the goddess tyche, wondering if she will feel like spinning me around, wondering where i will end the top? at the bottom? somewhere in the middle?

"He is a foolish mortal who thinks his luck secure and so rejoices; for Fortune, like a madman in her moods, springs towards this man, then towards that; and no one ever experiences the same unchanging luck."

(Euripides, Daughters of Troy, 1204.)

you can read more about tyche, the goddess of fortune, here


Anonymous said...

I am truly sorry for the emotions & frustrations that you are experiencing right now.

I, myself, have been very stressed lately, & have found myself in tears from irrational fear over things I can't control...a couple nights ago when my panic was spiraling out of control, all I could think to do was pray for some kinda of peace & comfort. The words from the chorus of Shawn Mullins' song 'Lullabye' began to play in my mind..and while the entire song is not applicable to my life, I have always found solace in the last verse & chorus:

"...all her friends tell her she's so pretty
but she'd be a whole lot prettier if she smiled once in a while.
'Cause even her smile looks like a frown.
She's seen her share of devils in this angel town."

"Everything's gonna be all right.
Rockabye, rockabye.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Rockabye, rockabye, rockabye."

I'll be thinking of you.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Hi. Thinking of you..
Sending you a Hug.

Enola said...

I ended up staying on my meds throughout pregnancy and was on zoloft when Baby was born and now on celexa. So don't let yourself get too far down the mine. There are options, even while pregnant or nursing.

Thanks for submitting.

Marj aka Thriver said...

Wow! You are so awesome to submit this for the carnival with all that you're dealing with right now. Thanks!

Can you consider anything natural for the birth/nursing period? I get about the same results from Omega 3 fish oil as I did from Zoloft. Just me, of course, results for others "may vary." Just an idea to look into. Safe hugs. (((((Cornnut))))

Patricia Singleton said...

Cornnut, thanks for sharing this. I am sending wishes for blessings for you, your baby and your hubby. Tell him that you love and appreciate all of his patience. I have to tell my husband that often when I am in a mood. When I am dealing with the rage from the incest, I can become really bitchy. I am not calling myself bitchy as a put down. It is a fact, an acknowledgement for how hard I am to live with sometimes. I love the support that we get from each other when we are going through a hard time.