day nine: i am thankful for....

food to eat.

hamburgers, hot dogs, spaghetti, french fries, apples, fish, ham, pears, peaches, tacos, salad, cheese, carrots, celery, pickles, ice cream.....yum!

what a wonderful selection of food we have to enjoy. i have a great variety of food to eat and i do not go hungry because of my husband's hard work for our family. i have a fridge and a pantry full of food, when so many others have nothing.

i am so thankful for the food i have to eat. i am thankful for my husband bringing home the bacon for our family. i am thankful for the variety of tastes, types of food, restaurants we can go to, the ability to cook, and the means to do so.

yay for food!

day eight: i am thankful for....

others' art.

i know i've mentioned before my love for art and art museums....so much love that it is virtually impossible for me to be in an art museum without crying at least once.

i can't describe the connection i feel when i look at a beautiful piece of artwork. i can't even begin to describe the understanding i feel....sometimes as if the artist was painting what was in my soul, not their own.

i am at a complete loss for words...the joy i feel, the beauty i am surrounded by, the understanding i get by immersing myself in my art history texts, in my art books, in a museum.

i am so grateful for the opportunity i have to look at, critique, and experience the art others create, whether it be van gogh or the local artist exhibiting on the street. i am grateful for the ability i have to experience art on such a personal and emotional level, for the happiness it gives me and for the way it makes me feel better about my life.

day seven: i am thankful for....

my art.

i struggle to put my feelings into words. i always have. i do better when i can sit and write them out than i do speaking, but the best way for me to sort through my emotions is through my art.

i inherited my artistic ability and creative mind from my mother. i have always loved to draw, to paint, to sculpt, and she encouraged that in me. when i was in junior high my art began to blossom, to become what it is now. my art became my greatest coping skill as my life began to fall apart. i felt the only way i could really be understood was to show my insides through art. it was as if i was literally using my own flesh and blood to paint what was going on inside me. the darkness and the raw emotion in much of my work was frightening to a lot of people--but it was exactly what i was experiencing.

i began to take more and more art classes and loved every minute of it. as a junior in high school i won several awards in the spring art show, including an award called the purchase award--in which the high school bought one of my pieces which is now on permanent display in the auditorium foyer. over my junior and senior years i began using my art to really heal from the trauma of my life. the way i poured my soul into my art became apparent to those around me, and i showed at several valley wide high school shows, for the best pieces.

looking back on the stacks of pieces i created over those two years i can see the progress i made in my healing. i can see the raw emotion. and i am grateful for the ability i have to put that emotion on paper. i am grateful for my talent, and for the teachers who have helped me cultivate that talent. i am so full of gratitude for the changes i made in myself by expressing myself through art.

day six: i am thankful for....

my Savior.

i don't really know where to begin here. or really where to end, for that matter.

from the time that i was a child i have known who Jesus Christ is. my parents taught me about my Savior. they taught me that He loves me, and that He is there watching over me and blessing me. they taught me that He died for me, and that through His atonement, His sacrifice, i can be made whole and pure.

as i have grown older i have gained a testimony of Christ for myself. i no longer need to rely on my parents' belief in Him. i have had many powerful, personal experiences where i have felt His presence with me through the darkest times. i have felt His unconditional love for me. and even though i am still struggling with the concept, i have at times seen how i believe He sees me: as a child of God, a daughter of infinite worth.

i am grateful for the knowledge i have of Jesus Christ and his ultimate sacrifice for me and for all of us. i anticipate the day that i will see Him again, when he will embrace me and welcome me home. i am so thankful for the support He has given me through the darkest times in my life, through the anger and hate, through the fear, through the uncertainty. i am thankful for His unwavering care, no matter the choices i make. no matter what i do i know He will always love me.

i am also thankful for my Heavenly Father, for the many blessings he has sent to me, even though i don't deserve them--especially my loving husband and my beautiful children. i am thankful for His mercy and His love, for His great plan that gave me my Savior. i cannot even begin to understand His plan for me, but i am grateful for it. i am grateful for prayer, for His holy spirit, for the ability to communicate with Him, for my personal relationship with Him. at times it is stronger than others, but i believe without a doubt that He is always there, cheering for me, sending me His love, laughing with me, crying with me. i truly am His child, and now as a parent i think i understand his love for me more than i ever have.

i am a child of God,
and He has sent me here.
has given me an earthly home,
with parents kind and dear.

lead me, guide me, walk beside me
help me find the way.
teach me all that i must do
to live with Him someday.

i have some wonderful news!

my husband has been accepted to a local university and will be going back to school in january! i am so proud of him, i am bursting with happiness and pride. i just want to tell everyone in the world how proud of him i am! congratulations, babe! you are the best!

today is my first appointment with my therapist since february. i am nervous and anxious and kind of scared. i have done this dance so many times....been through hundreds of therapy appointments...and yet i am still struggling. i'm struggling against the part of me that just wants to keep everything buried, that wants to smother my past and ignore my issues. but i am determined to overcome that and move on with my life. not only for me but for my husband and my children. they deserve a better and more mentally healthy me.

wish me luck. even now my tummy is doing flips, and i feel that anxious feeling in my chest. i am glad i have so much support from my hubby....i really need it.

day five: i am thankful for....

my friends.

i have been blessed to have some of the greatest friends anyone could ever have.

growing up, especially through jr high and high school, my friends were my saving grace. they were the ones i could talk to, share my dark thoughts and secrets with, share good times and laughter with, and cry with. all this with their love and support, and without being judged. even today i know that my best friends are still there for me, and that i can go to them with anything if i need to, and i am so grateful for that.

when i think about my best friends and everything we went through, the ups and downs in our friendships, i can't help but smile. i can't help but think about the hours we spent talking on the phone. the millions of crushes we went through. the days we sat around and did nothing. the hard times with our families. the movies we watched (and rewound certain parts to watch over and over). the places we went. the music we listened to. how heartbreaking it was when i moved my sophomore year, and left my friends behind there....only to find new and wonderful friends.

i know those of you who read my blog know who you are. i love you all a ton. thank you for always being there for me. i am so grateful for your love and friendship.

and to my very best friend in the entire world: my hubby. not only are you my smokin' hot husband but also my friend and confidante. i love you.

day four: i am thankful for....

my family.

what to say about my family? like every other family, we have our problems, our dysfunctions, and relationships are sometimes difficult to handle. sometimes i want to throw my hands in the air and say, "screw it," and just give up on them. but the truth is i love my family dearly and i am grateful to have them in my life.

looking back on my childhood, there are a lot of good memories that i have. the dumb jokes my dad always told at the dinner table. the times i got along with my mom, walking through the mall with our arms around each other. playing dolls with my sisters. taking my little brother to the movies. dancing around the living room while my dad played the piano. making cookies and candy at christmas. the race for the "golden egg" at easter. walking home from school with my little sisters. watching each others basketball, volleyball, soccer games. the hugs and the jokes, the love i know my family feels toward me and toward each other.

my family is a work in progress and i'm sure it always will be. i see the changes in my mother, the positive changes, from my early childhood and i am proud of her. i see the way my four younger siblings have grown up and i am proud of them. i remember my youngest sister as a smart ten year old, who idolized me and i never knew it, just the way she was when i moved out of the house. now she is a 16 year old beauty, getting ready to play division one volleyball in college. i remember my baby brother as a blonde little three year old, and see him as a 6'5" brown haired 17 year old giant. i remember my other two sisters, always together, singing disney songs and quoting movies constantly. now one is married, one is engaged, both in college, both adults....and i can't believe how quickly time has passed, how much we have all changed, how different we are. sometimes i feel if i close my eyes we'll all be back home, sitting around the dinner table, kneeling together at night for family prayer, wiping sleep out of our eyes as we get ready for school.

i am so grateful to have my family, for the lessons they have taught me, both intentionally and unintentionally. i am grateful to live close enough to them to see them, to spend holidays with them, to be at important events. i am thankful for the happiness i feel when we are all together again, laughing and playing, acting like kids again.

i love you guys--dad, mom, my three little sisters, and my little brother, and my two new brothers in law.